Greetings, PubTips!
The mod team is thrilled to welcome our AMA guest: u/CompanionHannah!
We have opened the thread a few hours early for users in different time zones to be able to leave questions, which will be answered at 7-9pm EDT.
Here is CompanionHannah’s blurb:

Hello PubTips! You might have seen me commenting here and there, but as a formal introduction I worked in the publishing industry for over 6 years, spending time as an intern and agency reader before making my way up to an Assistant Editor position at a Big 5 children’s imprint. In those 6 years I worked with many amazing colleagues and even more amazing authors, including award winners and bestsellers.
Shepherding new writers through the gauntlet that is publishing has always been a passion of mine, so I’m happy to talk about the publication process and the industry in general. Have a question about the acquisition process, or the editorial collaboration between author and editor, or even about publicity or marketing? Send them my way! Want to know why no one is answering your emails, or why your editor wants you to rewrite your book, or what goes through an editor or agent’s mind as they read your manuscript? Or maybe you’ve just got a question you’re too afraid to email your editor! I’d love to talk about all of it.
When I was still working in publishing, I loved helping new interns and assistants break into the business. Now that I’ve switched careers, I’d love to extend that same mentorship to writers and authors, helping to offer some transparency wherever they may be in the publication process.

All users can now leave questions below.
Please remember to be respectful and abide by our subreddit rules and also Reddit’s rules.

I am a 23 year old male. My dad and mom are both severely mentally I’ll as well as drug addicts/alcoholics. In the last year they have both relapsed. My mother began using again as soon as she got out of rehab, but my dad had been clean for 5+ years. For context my grandmother has been my main support system within my family. She had a severe stroke and was hospitalized for nearly a month. My dad has lived with her for my entire life because of his illness. While I’m the hospital he stole a lot of money from her to fund his relapse. This broke my heart. It made me angry and sad, I felt as though I failed in some way. I have always felt as though I haven’t done enough to protect them from themselves. I have had so many people telling me I need to be angry and let it out but I don’t want to. I’m just tired. I love them both so much but I hate them and I hate myself because I feel as though it’s all my fault. That I could have helped more. I could have been home more or helped them emotionally more. I feel guilty because I know they do these things because of their illness. I just wish I could have helped them. I’ve been told to cut them off but I’m afraid they would hurt themselves. And as much as people would tell me that’s not my fault it would be. I’m just lost. I want to help them but I don’t know how.

I (18F) have been dating a boy (18M) for the past 4 years. Yes we are high school sweet hearts. We’ve had our ups and downs but always worked it out. I started dating him because I thought he was more mature then the previous guys/girls I’ve been with, in retrospect we were really young so neither of us were mature but we were working on it. I grew up extremely fast because I was abused for most of my childhood and had to take care of both my older siblings and younger one as well, so I learned to be an adult by the age of 8. My boyfriend on the other hand was raised the exact opposite of me, he grew up like a child and with everything being handed to him and is still treated to this day as a baby. He comes from a 2 parent household with love and all the attention he was an only child for majority of his life. We don’t see eye to eye on much because of how differently we were raised, however here is the problem I don’t feel like I love him anymore. He is very immature and babied. Like I stated he has always had everything handed to him cars, money, sports, etc. He has never work for anything in his entire life because his parents always gave it to him.He even stated “I don’t need a job already have everything that I want”. Due to my bf always being handed things his never learned to work hard in his life making him lazy and weak minded. He complains about not having enough money but refuses to work actual hours to get money. He just graduated high school so he can now work full time at his current job but doesn’t want to because it’s to much work and he feels like he should be getting paid more, he shouldn’t! He does the bear minimum at work. He doesn’t know how to save because he has never had to. My bf also stopped working out and started to complain he is getting fat which he is because he doesn’t go to the gym no more. Me on the other hand had to work for everything that I got. I Learned to save early and now owns my own car and apartment. Nothing was ever handed to me I had to fight for everything that I had which he doesn’t understand. I feel like his being handed everything put a major strain on our relationship because now he has no idea how to take care of his self from not knowing how to cook to not being able to even open a credit card he has no idea what the real world is like. I’m tired of being his mother and showing him how to properly take care of his self. I’ve been teaching his how to cook and save among other things but it doesn’t feel like I’m his gf giving him advice it feel more like I’m his mom teaching him basic shit. I don’t know what to do should I wait for him to grow up a little more or just cut my losses while I’m ahead?

I fell in love with American hip-hop (I'm from Eastern Europe and Vinnie was like one of the biggest idols for local rappers I grew up with) thanks to Vinnie Paz and Stoupe, but here I am now 10 years later and I feel I'm stuck.
I went through all of Vinnie's boys' stuff, every Army Of The Pharaohs member, especially Apathy, Celph Titled, Planetary. But Vinnie introduced me to Ill Bill, Slaine, La Coka Nostra, Immortal Technique, Diabolic, Necro, Ruste Juxx, Recognize Ali, Brother Ali, Sean Price, Block McCloud, Randam Luck, NBS, Sicknature, stuff produced by Snowgoons, Stoupe, Stu Bangas, C-Lance etc.
Now I'm kinda stuck because these guys often feat with each other so the "if you like xy you would like ..." always show me the ones I know and already got bored of their stuff from listening to them so much.
What other artists would you recommend?
Onyx too, obviously

Let me preface that I enjoy my current job and my boss is very nice, I am coming up on 1 year here in a few weeks. I work as an Office Manager for a Financial Advisor. It has taken a lot for me to get to this position. I never graduated college. I was originally a hair stylist for 5 years, then I worked in banking as a teller for 2 years, and now I'm here.
This job is so laid back; I get to read at work, play on my phone, I have even watched movies while working (with headphones, of course). The downside is that it is an on-site role. My commute is 20 minutes on average. I only really "work" 3 hours out of my 8 hour days. I feel like I could get so much done if I were in a WFH position, but I'm not sure exactly where to go from here or if I should. Another downside is that our annual raises only allow for an "up to 2.5%" raise. I live in one of the most expensive areas of the country and make $54k annually now. I know I could do my current job remotely, but that will not be happening for me here unless the world shuts down again.
I want to try out Financial or Data Analytics, pursued through a Google Cert program, but I also wouldn't mind staying administrative, but I do not want customer interaction or at least very limited like my current role is. My main priorities are WFH and wages/benefits. I also have disabilites and chronic illnesses that would benefit from WFH when I have flares. Even if I have to "work" more I want to WFH so I can walk/bicycle and work, I can't do that in my office job, I'm just stuck at my desk. I also want WFH for when I have children, planning on sometime in the next 2-3 years.
Any advice or insight?

Old man comes into Tim Hortons I work at.
He’s here every thursday
Anytime this guest uses the bathroom he dirties the toilet beyond use (he’s obese so he can’t really wipe properly so he leaves sh*t on the toilet and all over
Guest comes to the counter SCREAMING at my supervisor that we need to learn how to clean our bathrooms when we haven’t done it yet because there was no toilet paper so he had to wipe his ass with his hand
Supervisor apologizes and brings toilet paper to the bathroom
Guest exclaimed that he always keeps his bathroom clean and that we should be doing it every 5 minutes
He hits our supervisor and sits down where he doesn’t get up for 8 hours after that. Supervisor tries to kick him out but our owners say he’s a paying guest

• who is in the wrong?

Basic information about me is I am 19 years old, a girl, and a graduating senior high school from the Philippines. So first of all the event I am going to is a Cosplay/Gaming Convention called ConQuest. My friends and I have been planning this since the start of the year. We purchased a ticket in March, and already planned to book a hotel or Airbnb so we would not commute with all of our belongings, and to make our lives easier.
As months pass by fast, I told my mother at April or May (I cannot remember, but I know I told her) that me and my friends would go to an event in June. I also told her that my friend bought the ticket for me for free. I also told her the location. (The location was in Manila in SM Mall of Asia. It's an hour's drive away from my home.) So tomorrow is the day that we are going to the Airbnb we booked. My friend's parents are going to drive us there, and they would also drive us back home.
I told my Mother, just a moment ago, that tomorrow would be the day we would go to SM MOA and that we are going to be there in our Airbnb until Monday. She got furious. She thought that we would just go there and come back home after. She did not know that we would be there until Monday. So I begged her to let me go to the event. I also fucking cried, cause I can't help it. She told me I always go out. Yes, I always go out because those are school-related things. I only go out when we have group works that we needed to do that is outside the school. Unlike my other colleague and friends, I always let her know where I would be going. I would always tell her what we would do, because I do not want her to lose her trust on me. I want her to trust me, and I also wanted her to understand me at the same time. I was crying hysterically at her. Letting her know that I want to go. I need her to let me go, because I've done everything for her. She told me to go to my father, if I would not follow her words. My father was telling my mother that I am already 19, and nearing in college. He was telling her why won't she let me go to things/events like this. He was saying that this was normal, that he also did this kinds of events when he was a teenager. They were shouting and stuff, but my mother's words were the loudest in my ears. After that I go straight to my room, and thought to myself, should I still go to that event, and angered my mother after, or should I just stay here again.
Im sorry for the bad english TT. I just needed to let this out, and get some advice about my mother. This was not the first time she did not let me go. But I understand the first time. I was also sick at that time. But right now, I'm fully fine. I told her a month before the event already because i knew that there will be a possibility that she wouldn't let me...and here I am. I am already old enough, so why wouldn't she let me. I am missing a lot in my teenage life.

New to Dungeons and Dragons? Or a seasoned adventurer looking for new quests? Join us every other Monday night at Stronghold Games in Hull for thrilling high fantasy one-shot adventures!
Experience the thrill of D&D in a friendly, welcoming environment, perfectly suited for both new and experienced players. Our sessions are focused on immersive role-playing and interesting stories, promising an unforgettable journey into the world of D&D.
As your Dungeon Master with over 11 years of experience, I offer:

• Engaging adventures for 4-8 players, set in a vibrant high fantasy world.
• A beginner-friendly atmosphere, with help available for character creation.
• The option to play custom prebuilt characters for those new to the game.
• Free-of-charge sessions!
• No long-term commitment necessary - drop in and play whenever you like!

Our campaign will kick off at level 3. Prior to the game, a Session 0 will be organized with each player individually, ensuring your characters are ready and you're comfortable with the rules. Players of all ages are welcome!
Interested? Contact me on Reddit DM's. Let's embark on an unforgettable journey of adventure, friendship, and the unexpected!
Let the adventure begin. I can't wait to see you at the table!

Think brand first. Site exclusivity second.
Reddit still has caché. They are pre-ipo and looking at how to get bigger, keep users, and not get stung like Facebook which is old school, unused by most under 25 years old.
They should rethink the now old idea that social sites are simply a play to bring people on to a domain to serve ads.
Instead, they should embrace the 3rd party app. Instead of seeing it as an on ramp that you end-of-life as a company matures, they should do more of them. Reddit should provide APIs at a reasonable price so the content is broadcast to more places. And to make money, the apps need to include ads.
Yes - I know - everyone hates ads, but welcome to the modern web. And unless people subscribe to content, and even when they do (see New York Times, eg) they get ads. It’s how people get paid to do jobs.
There would be ad tiers. Apps that allow more ads per organic post pay less. An app that wants to have subscribers to create an ad-less experience, pays more and likely costs more. And Reddit takes their cuts of it all.
As 3rd party apps proliferate with Reddit content, the brand gets bigger.
Reddit becomes more than just a site with subs. It becomes a news generator and brings on personalities to ‘oversee’ content. Like OnlyFans (maybe without all the porn…or maybe not). But it embraces pushing its content to more places, more kinds of content aggregating apps.
Now, more devs, like Christian, pop up. More creators come up with great ways to use the content - which is always branded as Reddit - which builds the brand as the true voice of the people.
This idea isn’t terribly novel. Its what young Twitter did, til they didn’t. And what Reddit kinda did, til they’re latest changes. It’s just turning on it’s head what right now is considered ‘the only way to mature our social media site on the web.’ Instead of the old ‘bring them here to my house only!’ strategy — Change it up. Go back to what made the internet go at the beginning.
Reddit wants to get their brand everywhere - I posit that they can do it if they follow what a brand like Starbucks did: put it on every corner. In this case, every corner of the web.

'Totairiku' is a new Worldbuilding project that seeks to combine Indian, Japanese, and other Asian cultures in a Medieval Fantasy Game of Thrones styled world.
Introducing the Nerabudi Clan!
As vassals to the Ulara Clan (The Archipelago Daimyo), the Nerabudi Clan resides in the Serpent Tower. Their founding story is one of love & duty.
Motto: “Shields in the Darkness” and “Always Watching”
Residence: The Serpent Tower by the Wanryu Straits leading into Wanryu Lagoon, protecting Shuri City and the Red Serpent Palace of the Ulara Clan (Daimyo of the Archipelago)
History: The Nerabudi Clan is known to be an offshoot of the Ulara Clan, related by the blood of a male ancestor. The son of the Queen of the Archipelago at the time, Jomo Ulara, had expressed his desire to marry a common girl of Shuri City. His parents disapproved of this due to their plans to marry him to a princess of the Timura Clan. Thus, they gave him the ultimatum of either fulfilling his duties to the family or being disowned if he were to go through with the marriage. He was heartbroken in having to decide between duty and love, but ultimately chose love. Knowing of his responsibilities, he decided to begin his own vassal-house called ‘Nerabudi’ (the Heballian-Goghullian word for ‘Balance’), and erected a castle tower on an island in the center of the Wanryu straits. Doing his best to fulfill his duties, this castle tower protected the inhabitants of the lagoon (including his relatives of the Ulara Clan) from the region’s infamous pirates by keeping a watchful eye day and night.
Entry through the straits is limited to the gates in the two thick walls connecting the Serpent Tower to the edges of the lagoon. The Nerabudi Clan has repelled invaders and protected the Wanryu Lagoon for centuries.
See This Post with Pictures: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1snGopnwUcfznvPdK9mDOcn_E9lDk4b1MKg2eAWhLmLo/edit?usp=sharing
Enjoying our content?
View The Rest Of Our Exhibition: https://snapt.io/NXNUd
Check Out The World Map: https://snapt.io/feIqp
Note: We use Snapt.io to count the number of clicks to see our user engagement. Each link hosted on Snapt.io is verified by their team to make sure the content is safe to click on!

I come to a complete stop (gradually) at reds, but I don't always signal. Then I'll decide whether to run it. I guess the biker behind me expected me to blow through the light, because they screeched their brakes and audibly expressed their frustration. AITA?

Hello fellow teachers,
as we near the school year and we get our rosters, I discovered I will have five sections of 9th graders (freshmen in HS) next year. I have five years under my belt and am located in the Midwest.
This year I had a couple, with incredibly different personalities in them. One of my most problematic class was a class that didn't know how to lower the volume when working together. I tried switching partners, having them work with friends, work with gallery walks/stations around the school, I managed the groups, etc.
For every solution, I always had people who could not lower the decibels. I understand the students that naturally have a high volume and I am not asking them to whisper, I am just asking them to keep quiet(er) so I can assist everyone in the class.
I understand this whole problem can be a consequence of not engaging in activities. I tried my best to have "fun" activities, however, given the subject (grammar), sometimes the assignment where based on repetition.
Any advice would be appreciated, I am honestly worried that next year will be a nightmare.

My wife and I both work full-time, but our schedules are staggered so there is nearly always somebody home with our 20-month-old. He is not in daycare, but we use babysitters occasionally. Our schedules are very random and can include days, evenings or overnights. My wife will only work eight hours at a time, but, sometimes I am gone for 24 hours.
We’re both heavily involved with child care, and he’s appropriately attached to both of us.
He’s always struggled with bedtime when his mom is at work, especially if he’s been through a long stretch with her around. If she’s gone two evenings in a row, things typically get better by the second evening.
Of late however, he is struggling more and more, especially during the daytime when she’s gone, or if he wakes up and she’s left already. He’ll ask for mama and I’ll reply with something like “Mama’s at work” or “Mama will be home later today” or “you miss your Mama.” he’ll immediately break out in tears after I say that.
I realize this attachment is completely developmentally appropriate, I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice or tips for what to say to a toddler in this situation, or ways we can ease his transition between caregivers.

Hi all. Just for context, I have a slew of mental & emotional issues (too much to list). One of my problems is I have trouble making friends. I would say right now, I have 5 friends who live locally. I've never been a popular person so I have always had a limited to 0 friendships. At one period for about 5 years, I think I only had 3 friends. No lifelong friends. Friendship dies, people move, etc.
So the little friends I have, I try to keep. I will be moving into a new place with my friend from Atlanta. We've met and was able to find a two bedroom place. He doesn't know anyone here so I would be his only connection. One of my worry/fear is that if my friends meet him, they may like him more than they like me. This is not to say, I don't think my friends now dislike me. To add a little back story. One friend (We'll call him Alan) I had in college was cool, we'd hang out, joke around etc. He was my big bro in our fraternity. When a new student (we'll call him Mike) joined the frat, they just connected. Alan hung out, spoke with him every day, they did everything together. I went to a party and both of them were there and Alan didn't acknowledge me. No hi, just saw me and turned away. I thought he was mad at me about something.
I went to say hi to him and he talked to me like nothing was wrong, he wasn't dismissive, I didn't get any bad vibes but I could tell he wasn't going to talk to me unless I talked to him. Eventually, there was just no communication. No hi, no how are you. One time, I walked into McDonalds and he and some of our frat members were eating (Alan had graduated and had come back for a visit). At one point, he said to me don't tell the other members I am here. Which means he didn't want me to know he was here, I just happened to catch him at McDonalds.
Still don't know what I did or didn't do and this is just one example of how I lose friends or never really had any. I know its irrational and I can't control who likes and doesn't like me. I can't force anyone to like me and I wouldn't want to. It is what it is. I am just worried that if he meets my friends, they are gonna just hit it off and one day, one of my friends are gonna visit and just invite him out. It's not that I don't want my roommate to not have friends. Of course he should. I guess I just don't know if I should be concerned. Even if this does happen, I wouldn't know what to say. It would be like I am begging them to like me again. Am I overreacting? (Also I know how reddit is, I just ask to please not insult or attack me) Thank you.

I liked a girl I met her during online classes in 2021 she was pretty and smart at first I didn't feel anything towards her but as time went i started developing a crush towards her i gathered up my courage to send a friend req to her on snap and she didn't accept it .2 days after I send her my request on snap my father died. I was heartbroken and on the 3rd day after my father's death she accepted my req .as I was going thru a tough time she was my pillar we used to talk everyday watch cricket matches together everything I fell in more love with her every single day .while we were playing a casual game of truth or dare i asked her if she would say yes if I asked her out.she without hesitation said yes.the happiness that came to me was not describeable i felt happy after a long time.then our classes started offline as the pandemic ended .i was thrilled to see her.but to my surprise she ignored me everytime in class didn't even look at me and hung out with other boys.i wasn't jealous that she was with other boys and talking to them ,i was jealous of the attention she gave them the the looks she gave them she never gave them to me she was always awkward with me .after that I finally decided to ask her to be my girlfriend.i asked her that in April 29 8:03 night time my heart was racing i felt like dying ahhh.she replied my message with i m not interested in a relationship.which was a shock to me i felt devsated.but she still wanted to talk to me and still chatted with me every single day ,even after that she still used to ignore me in school.on the day may 30 my brithday she wished me a happy birthday that was an experience tbh haha.we talked and talked for nearly a year and then it was farewell day . everyone got dressed in the best manner took photos and things.i wanted a photo with her but I was not courageous enough to ask her .i wish she would just ask me for one i prayed for her to just approach me .she never did she didn't care.she went around taking pictures with her guy friends but didn't want to take one with me.i was sad but I didn't wanna ask her about it as she would just give me a dumb excuse .and one morning i decided to text her bestfriend for advice.she helped me a lot in talking with her and stuff but one day her bestfriend accidentally told that I asked for advice (I don't think it's a accident that's what she told me)at that time my crush refused to talk to her bestfriend because of me i was feeling guilty because it happened because of me i asked my crush to Just forgive her and I would never do a mistake like that again ,she told me a valid point that the conversation between us should be between us which I respected and understood was my fault and i sincerely apologized . things went back to normal I saw her for the last time during farewell and never again' we chatted every single day but the only difference was she became very rude and dry to me she used to became angry at me get irritated hide her online status and i felt like she hated me i know I made a mistake by telling bestfriend and i apologized my ass off she accepted it too. After that she just did things to hurt me like used to send me pics of her with other boys and asked me if she looked good in it and shit.i was feeling like I was her plaything a toy to be exact.i was fed up with the constant fights and ignoring she did so one day i told her that we needed to stop talking,and i asked her if she cared if I left she didn't say anything and refused to answer me .i stayed because I thought her refusing to answer me was a sign that she wanted me to stay.and on May 21 it was one of her guy friends birthday she put like a story' wishing Happy Birthday to him.and since my brithday was only 9 days from then I thought she would do the same thing with me .my brithday came ,she didn't wish me ,i told her 2 days before my brithday that may 30 was my brithday day,yet she didn't wish me ,and at may 31 i asked her did u know what day was yesterday,and she replied yes it was your brithday,she had on purpose didn't wish me , she talked like she didn't even care .at that point in time I knew exactly what I had to do.i told her that I'm done and i said bye to her forever to which she didn't reply anything just left me on read.its been 3 days since I told her bye .ofc I miss her.but i feel like I shouldn't go back to her and apologize.i know nobody's gonna read all this but to those who did what do u think?did I do the right thing?
My English is bad(sorry)

Hi, first of all sorry if I'm not very specific with my situation, i want to try to avoid giving information that could lead to my family knowing this account.
I am a pre-transition trans woman. I live with my mother and brother, which are very transphobic. They know what i am, and are very much against it.
I have plans to leave this place, since it's not just my family but also the place where i am that has given me a bunch of trouble with my identity, and has actively stopped me from doing any progress in my transition besides growing my hair long.
If things go well i should be able to leave and never go back by the start of next year.
Now my issue: my mother.
She has been incredibly abusive, and is the root of a lot of the traumatic experiences in my life. But she is still my mother.
My brother is basically non-existent, he does whatever my mother wants but is useless for everything else. He never needed to do anything since my mother always made me do any kind of job he didn't want to.
I am afraid that if i leave her she will get sick. I don't know how to approach it. If i tell her i will leave she will make a huge deal of it, and i know it's just her being manipulative.
I could basically just dissapear, slowly gather my stuff and leave one morning before she wakes up, but that would basically kill her.
That being said i can't stay, that's for sure.
Staying here will mean never transitioning, or doing it after so many years i don't know if I'll be alive by then. I am a woman, I want to look and talk like one, I don't want to stay in a body i hate for all my life because my family will hate me or i might get killed in my city.
If you could give me your opinion i would be very thankful, and also thank you for reading.

I have an anxiety disorder due to past abandonment issues and a sexual assault when I was a teenager. My husband has his own share of demons—hitting himself but this wasn’t known to me until during the pandemic.
When I married, I told my husband about this and the first thing I told him was I can’t rely on you to fix me and I need therapy to sort myself out. So, I’ve gone to therapy, feeling comfortable in my relationship. I’ve never constantly checked on my husband, never called him multiple times, or was anxious about his whereabouts at all times. If anything arguments were hard for me including placing boundaries because I felt they would end in him leaving me and Id constantly worry about whether people like me at work and ruminate on mistakes…But he’s reassured me it’s normal to get in a tiff once in a while..and would constantly assure me I’m well loved.
One day, we went on a trip where I was a nightmare emotionally. I forgot to bring my meds, the right shoes, I had food poisoning, and I apologized to him for it. He said he felt alone and that every time he expresses how upset he is about something he ends up feeling bad and taking care of me when it should be the other way around. I expressed my emotions are mine alone and it’s not his responsibility. I may cry and be hurt but it’s just because I’m sad I’ve made him sad and the uncertainty scares me. So, to please not comfort me because the focus is still him.
I thought I was making strides. I bought a marriage counseling book, I focused on my myself, my work, my classes, and put extra work in therapy to understand myself because the last thing I wanted was my husband to resent me. When I felt fine, I thought I was confident enough to stop my medication..
In between this time I’ve noticed my husband progressively get worse. He didn’t go to college, hated where we lived, worked jobs he hated, and it was mostly me trying to get him to do things he enjoyed or asked him if he wanted to go run or walk with me. He would say no..and at that point I’d try and just focus on myself but continue to worry about him…he reassured me everything was fine.
One day, my manager made me cry and brought back a trauma experience. It ended up with me crying and being frustrated for 3 days and my husband being there. At the end of it, he expressed he didn’t know who he was nor was he happy.
He ended up telling me he wanted a divorce, that I’ve done nothing wrong, and that he doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be alone. I felt blindsided—i lost 40lbs in 2 months, I immediately went back on my meds, I stopped eating, sleeping, and proceeded to call and beg him to come home. He told me everything was fine…nothing made sense.
The experience was exhausting for the both of us. My anxiety was through the roof and trampled over every boundary he kept giving me just so I could understand what was happening to the point where he felt sick.
Once I’ve calmed, my focus shift from easing my anxiety to being patient, and trying to understand his emotions and being there for him. I went to individual marriage counseling to make more changes at home..
He finally did open up—he said being with me made him feel like he was a parent and I a child. He felt like he lost himself entirely due to taking care of me emotionally and he just wants time to find himself and see who he is. He said this has been the worse 3 months of his life and he had more space being with me then being away from me. That if I hadn’t begged and contacted him he’d already have made a decision about whether to come home or not but me clinging to him has made him extremely unsure. He feels like if he doesn’t come back I’d fall apart and that places pressure on him. He said he can’t even focus on enjoying himself because he’s always worried about me and feels maybe it’s the right thing to do to end the marriage because while the pain will be short at least he’ll be able to finally focus on himself. He said that doesn’t mean he knows if he’ll come back or not as right now he is genuinely confused. He wants me to leave him be for a weekend so he can focus on getting job and feels he won’t be able to focus if I’m talking to him. He said he wants control of his thoughts and just wants me to chill out. He said me telling him I’ve been going to marriage counseling and psychoanalyzing makes him feel more pressured and that he’ll reach out once he got the job or not.
I guess at the moment I feel like a monster. Like, I’ve contributed 100% to all of this and thought I was improving. All I did was apologize..my intentions were just to compromise and do better for our marriage..it was pure but I told him I understood…how bad is my codependency what can I do to show my husband I can take care of myself..
Thank you.

Introduction:

I'm writing this tutorial to accommodate beginners and experienced users alike. If you would like to skip the introductory part and get right to the point, just look for the chapter entitled “My list of the best Plex Server devices”.
Next, I ask the subreddit admins not to remove this post and move it to the Builds megatread; have mercy.
Note: further down the line, I will refer to Plex Media Server as Plex Server and Plex Client Apps as Plex Client(s).

Plex Server vs Plex Client Overview:

When we talk about Plex, we cannot talk about the Plex Server without also talking about the Plex Clients. Both sides are equally important. However, they serve different purposes.

1. Plex Server: This is the server component of Plex. It organizes and streams your videos, audio files, and photos from your computer or online sources to your client applications. The server software is available on various platforms, including Windows, macOS, Linux, certain models of NAS devices; heck, even Raspberry Pi can run Plex Server. Once installed, it catalogs your media, fetches metadata from the internet to provide additional information about your media such as cover art, summaries, ratings, etc. It also has the capability to transcode (convert on-the-fly) your media to a format that is compatible with the client device you're streaming to, making it very versatile.Finally, what makes a good Plex server is its ability to hardware transcode media content in as many streams as possible. That's what we're trying to do as cheaply as possible. Find more about the transcoding process here and know it by heart, it will be important later.
2. Plex Clients: These are the applications you use to access your Plex Media Server. They can be installed on various devices like smartphones, tablets, smart TVs, streaming devices (AppleTV, Nvidia Shield Pro, Roku, Amazon Fire TV Cube, etc.), gaming consoles, web browsers, and even desktop PCs. These clients fetch the content from the Plex Media Server and display it to the user. They allow you to stream your content, browse your libraries, create playlists, etc. Each Plex Client has a different set of supported video/audio codecs (formats). Why different set? Codec support depends on the underlying hardware, for example, the Nvidia Shield Pro will have a different set of supported video/audio codecs than the Amazon Fire TV Stick or LG Smart TV

To illustrate, if you install Plex Media Server on your home computer, and then install the Plex app on your smartphone, you could stream movies stored on your computer to your smartphone. The computer with the server software would be considered the Plex Server, and the smartphone with the app would be the Plex Client. The Plex Server does the heavy lifting (like file conversion) so the Plex Client(s) can have an optimized viewing or listening experience.To summarize, when we talk about Plex Clients, we are primarily talking about price and supported video/audio codecs (formats). The logic here is that the more expensive the client, the more audio/video codecs it supports.On the other hand, when we talk about the Plex servers, we talk primarily about price and performance (power). Similar to Plex Clients, the more expensive the Plex Server, the more powerful it will typically be. This relationship is not always straight forward and we will talk more about this later.

Simple Plex Setup

The simplest Plex setup would be one Plex Server and one Plex client.The simplest Plex setup is also a perfect Plex setup. If you only have one Plex Client, you can customize your audio/video media to perfectly match the codec(s) supported by that Plex Client. In such a setup, Plex Server will never need to do any transcoding because Plex Client will also play fully supported media formats.If your Plex server is never used for transcoding, then a Raspberry Pi can also be used as a good Plex server.If this is the case, why is hardly anyone talking about using Raspberry Pi as a Plex Server at all? Because what I call a simple and perfect Plex setup is just wishful thinking. We, end users, we always connect more then one Plex Client.

Realistic Plex Setup

A more realistic setup may include many different Plex Clients, like Plex Web Client, Plex TV Client, Plex Mobile/Table Client, and more frequently, Plex clients for the streaming box devices.Now remember, even if your current Plex Client device fully supports your media content, if you add another Plex Client device, it may or may not have the same codec (video/audio) support. Thus you may encounter the need for transcoding. This is no longer a simply process and devices like Raspberyy Pi will not be able to handle transcoding tasks.
This is the root of our problem and the main reason for this article. You should expect that some of your media files will require transcoding, and for video transcoding you need a machine capable enough of handling this process. More importantly, you want a machine that can hardware transcode your content, which means your Plex Server must have a dedicated hardware transcoding component. Likewise, there's a software transcoding process that requires pure CPU power, but you would be lucky to get 1-2 4K transcoding streams with modern Intel i7 or i9 CPUs. We want to avoid software transcoding, as hardware transcoding can do much more for a fraction of the power of software transcoding.For example, a 10th generation Intel i7 CPU can handle one 4K software transcoding task or 10+ 4K hardware transcoding tasks; that’s a huge difference.And before anyone comments, yes, we could make sure we only stream video/audio files that are fully (mostly) supported by all Plex Clients, but that would limit us in size, quality, and most importantly, the time it takes to make sure all the files meet the exact video/audio requirements.

Understanding Plex Server Requirements

Okay, so we've got a good handle on the importance of Plex Servers, what Plex HW transcoding is and why it's important. But now you might be asking, 'What do I need to make sure my Plex server can handle all this HW transcoding business?' Great question! Let's dive into that.Remember, your Plex server is the heart of your Plex ecosystem. It's where all your media lives, and it's the place that's doing all the hard work when it comes to streaming to your devices.When it comes to Plex server requirements, there are four main things to consider: CPU, GPU, power consumption, and storage.

• First, the CPU. The CPU is probably the most important component for HW transcoding, and when we talk about the CPUs we will primarily talk about the Intel-based CPUs with integrated GPUs (to be more precise, QuickSync-enabled iGPUs). Yes, AMD CPUs and Apple M1/M2 CPUs can also handle HW transcoding tasks, but AMD CPUs are not officially supported and Apple CPUs or Apple hardware in general are not cheap.Overall, Intel CPUs with QuickSync iGPUs provide a dedicated hardware solution for efficient and accelerated video transcoding, making them highly valuable for Plex servers that require hardware transcoding capabilities.The newer the Intel CPU generation, the better the QuickSync technology is likely to be for Plex hardware transcoding. The advancements in each generation have brought improvements in performance, quality, codec support, and energy efficiency, enabling more efficient and higher-quality hardware transcoding experiences on newer CPUs. Any 7th generation or newer Intel CPU with iGPU will be able to HW transcode both H.264 and H.265 video codecs (more or less 99% of today's modern video media). 10th generation of Intel CPUs have even better performance with H.264 and H.265 video encoding/decoding. Intel CPUs with iGPU, 12th generation or above is required if you require hardware AV1 video codec support.Finally, do not use Intel CPUs whos version name ends with F; they lack iGPU.In summary, CPUs are important because they provide excellent HW transcoding performance at low power consumption.
• Second, the GPU. The GPU is probably as important as the CPU, and in some cases more important, and when we talk about GPUs we will primarily talk about Nvidia GPUs as they are officialy supported by the Plex team.NVIDIA GPUs are important for Plex hardware transcoding due to their dedicated video encoding/decoding units, superior performance, wide codec support, improved video quality, reduced CPU load, power efficiency. They offer a powerful hardware acceleration solution that can greatly enhance the transcoding capabilities of a Plex server. It's also important to note that Nvidia GPUs require a patch to unlock the number of HW transcoding streams.Dedicated GPUs are large pieces of hardware and have their place in desktop PCs. However, they can also be used with mini-PCs by using an external GPU enclosure.
• Third, power consumption. Plex Server will run 24/7 as a general rule. The larger the device used for Plex Server, the more power it will consume. Usually. Desktop PCs consume more power than NAS devices, which consume more power than mini PCs paired with NVME drives.
• Fourth, Storage. Each Plex Server requires dedicated media storage. Desktop PCs and NAS devices have enough space for several HDDs, while mini PCs require external storage like DAS (or even NAS devices). Although, mini PCs can avoid external storage with NVME drives (expensive approach, but small enough for mini PC integration).

To summarize, we’re looking for:

• Mini PCs with any Intel-based CPU based on QuickSync-enabled iGPU.
• Desktop PC with Intel-based CPU based on QuickSync-enabled iGPU
• Desktop PC with any AMD CPU as long it runs Nvidia-based GPU (minimum GTX 1050 or bettenewer)
• Intel-based NAS (Synology, QNAP ....) as long Intel-based CPU is based on QuickSync-enabled iGPU (even Celerons will do)
• Intel-based Apple Mac Mini or M1/M2 Mac Mini if available

Desktop PC vs Mini PC vs NAS

​

• Desktop PC
  • Power Consumption: Large desktop and gaming computers use between 200 and 500 watts of electricity on average. Using a computer for 8 hours per day will use about 12.2 kilowatt-hours of electricity per month and 146 kilowatt-hours of electricity per year​ (This is not my calculation so I may update it over time).
  • Cost: Desktop PCs are typically the most expensive setup due to component costs and high power consumption over time.
  • Performance: Desktop PCs in general offer the best performance and quality if paired with dedicated GPUs
• Mini PC
  • Power Consumption: A basic Intel NUC, a type of mini PC, will use around 30 watt-hours per hour, or 0.03 kilowatt-hours per hour. A high-end model will use more, up to around 0.5 kilowatt-hours per hour on average​.
  • Cost: Mini PCs are usually the most cost-effective devices if paired with NVME drives. This is somewhat blured if external DAS storage is used, or worse if NAS devices are used for strage.
  • Performance: Excluding dedicated GPU, Mini PCs offer similar if not identical performance to their bigger desktop PC siblings.
• NAS (e.g., Synology)
  • Power Consumption: Power consumption for a Synology NAS device like the DS1621+ is not specified in terms of watts, but it's generally understood to be quite low, as these devices are designed to be energy-efficient.
  • Cost: Depending on a setup, running NAS as a Plex Server and storage can also be a good cost-effective alternative
  • Performance: Usually the less powerful compared to desktop PCs and mini PCs. Still powerful enough to run multiple 4K HW transcodings thanks to the QuickSync-based Intel CPU.

My list of the best Plex Server devices:

Keep in mind that this is my list, and as such it is completely subjective. If you know of another device, mention it in the comments and I may add it to this list. Even better if you elaborate your view.
Note: Below links do not hold any tracking numbers or references.
Intel NUC Mini PCs:Intel NUC mini PCs are often favored as Plex servers for several reasons. First, they offer relatively high-performance processors and support for more RAM compared to less expensive mini PCs like Beelink, allowing for smoother streaming and transcoding on Plex. Second, the build quality and reliability of Intel NUCs are generally regarded as superior. Third, Intel NUCs have good support for various operating systems, including those commonly used for servers. While other mini PCs can be cheaper, they may not offer the same level of performance and compatibility, which can affect the smooth running of a Plex server.
Intel Nuc 11 NUC11ATKC4 - $208 (11th gen Celeron N5105 with 8GB DDR4 and 256GB SSD)
Intel Nuc NUC11PAHi5 - $449 (11th gen i5 with 16GB DDR4 and 512 SSD)
Beelink/Minisforum Mini PCs:To put it bluntly, when compared to Intel NUC, Beelink or MINISFORUM Mini PCs provide a similar performance at a potentially lower price point, yet still somewhat superior in quality to other cheap mini PCs from China. I'm a little split on recommending these devices; while I've never had any problems, I know some people who have. Personally I would go with Intel NUC just based on its reliability, but cheaper is cheaper.Last piece of advice, both Beelink or Minisforum come with pretty mediocre SSDs/NVMEs and RAM, and it's better (and even cheaper) to buy everything separately (barebone).
Beelink N100 - $189 (12th gen Celeron N100 with 16GB DDR4 and 500GB SSD)Beelink Sei12 - $449 (12th gen i5 with 16GB DDR4 and 500GB NVME)Minisforum TH80 - $384 (11th gen i7 with 16GB of DDR4 and )
Dell Optiplex Desktop PC:Any Dell Optiplex with at least 7th gen Intel CPU. I can say that many users often choose Dell Optiplex computers due to their robustness, reliability, and most important affordability. They come with a variety of configurations that can be customized to suit the needs of a Plex server, such as good processing power, ample memory, and storage. Additionally, their size makes them a practical choice for Plex.
Refurbished DELL Optiplex 7060 - $179 (8th gen i5-8500 with 16GB DDR4 and 256GB SSD)Refurbished DELL Optiplex 5060 - $299 (8th gen i7-8700 with 16GB DDR4 and 500GB SSD)
**Synology DS423+, Synology DS920+, QNAP TS-453be NAS’**Intel-based NAS devices are also preferred as good Plex servers for several reasons. You get all-in-one package with power-efficient 4K HW transcoding, built-in storage, and Linux-based OS.Synology DS423 - $370 (Intel J4125 Celeron with 2GB DDR4)Synology DS920 - Deprecated but still a fan-favorite. DS923+ switched to AMD-based CPU without iGPU so it should not be considered as a Plex Server.QNAP TS-464 - $589 (Intel N5105 Celeron + 11th gen iGPU with 8GB DDR4)
Any custom-made Desktop PCWhile custom-made desktop PCs are not my favorite option, I cannot justify not giving them a shout out here. Yes, they are big, noisy, and power hungry, but when it comes down to it, they can serve as a Plex server just as well as any mini PC. Just make sure you’re either running at least Intel 7th gen CPU (although some modern AMD CPUs will also do) or older CPU paired with at least Nvidia RTX 1050 GPU or newer.
Here's a benchmark for Nvidia GPU transcoding capabilities.
Mac Mini (Intel or Arm-based)Mac has always been known to handle Plex Server very well.Older Intel-based Mac Minis are on the same level as Mini PCs, so what applies to Mini PCs also applies to Intel-based Mac Minis.On the other hand, even though M1 and M2 Macs are Arm-based, they offer excellent value for HW transcoding tasks. Both M1 and M2 are overkill for a Plex server and the only reason they are not higher on this chart is their price.
Mac Mini 2018 - $402 (8th gen i5 with 8GB DDR4 and 256GB SSD) Mac Mini M1 - $430 (8GB memory and 256GG SSD)

My narc father called me yesterday. Our conversations consist of him telling me what’s going on in his life. Who he’s dating, almost always someone much his junior (or so he claims…He’s a good looking guy but any young women he could obtain will have issues)how he’s buying a $400k Porsche….won’t ever happen. How he’s going to Europe on a motorcycle tour (also won’t ever happen). When I got off the phone I said to my husband, why can he just be himself? Why does he have to try and impress me? I’m his daughter. The only time I ever see the true him anymore is when he’s with my uncle, otherwise it’s like a performance.
The conversations are so disheartening. You can’t even speak to him without the cost of something coming up, or how he knows this person yada yada.. If I share a home project I’m working on, he’ll change the subject to a project he’s working on, on a $10million dollar home etc. okay..
Anyone deal with this?