Recently left my craptastic narcissist dad because the dust from his house gave me an allergy attack so bad it put me in the er, and he STILL doesn’t want to clean.
I’m feeling downtrodden, and I’m currently couch surfing, which means staying with friends and other family members.
My aunt and I, who usually get along great, got into it about queer rights. She’s uh…not a fan…
Specifically she said if her sons told her they were gay she’d kick them out.
As a bisexual cis woman that shit hurt. If her own sons would get that treatment imagine what her niece would get! Makes me feel like every conversation, every time I’ve helped, everything I’ve done for her came with an unwritten condition. And I know most everyone else feels the same way about queer folks. I’ll either be bombarded with unwanted prayer, accused of being brainwashed, or cast out faster than if I was a murderer.
But at the same time, I’m tired of all the bullshit hurtful things they say about me without knowing they’re saying it about me, and I’m no stranger to being hated or treated cruelly.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, or how to play it safe.

Long time lurker and enjoyer of cringe. Sorry if I scared you with the title. I honestly don't know if anyone in this story could be considered a beard, myself included. That is for you to decide, but we will be exploring the encounters I had with some not great people. This seems like a great spot to drop a trigger warning for sexual assault and pedophillia, both in this and all following posts. With a little self reflection though, I recognize that I could be the poster child for what reddex always says. We all narrowly missed beardom.
I'll start with a bit of psychoanalysis. You'll recognize some of my traits as I tell my story, but what better way to collect data for the fight against beardom. I have always liked to be helpful. People pleasers with an extreme aversion to conflict tend to live for others like that. That, on top of ADHD and possible narcissism, means I was whatever I needed to be in the moment.
I loved the attention. That lack of impulse control made me a "go with the flow" kind of gal, and I had a lot of friends from different groups. Unfortunately, this made me susceptible to a lot of manipulation. It's ironic that I couldn't recognize some of my own tactics from the other direction. If you've ever seen "D&D Secret Alignments" (and if you haven't, go search YouTube) I am good evil.
Don't let any of that excuse my actions. When cops are investigating a murderer, they try to find the motive. It's just some context to mull over as we continue. We're starting pretty early with our first couple beard candidates. That's why we're skipping a cast list. Elementary school is pretty far back, and it'll be touch and go for this episode.
So there was a boy in school who had a crush on me. Everyone thought he was weird, but I was raised in the "give everyone a chance" rom com era. He asked me on a movie date and I said yes, because what kid is going to say no to a free movie. My parents probably thought it was harmless, so don't judge them too harshly.
I didn't really see the significance of the date part. I don't remember what we saw, but I do remember that I went to go play at his house after. He wanted to show me his tree house, and I got a bad feeling. At first I refused, but he eventually pestered me enough that I agreed.
Not long after we went in, he tried to kiss me. I turned my head away and said no, but he tried to hold me down. I pushed him off and ran out. Shortly after, my parents came to pick me up. I don't remember talking to him again after that.
Now dear readers, I was in anywhere between 1st to 4th grade at the time. He must have been as well, otherwise neither of our parents would have agreed to the date. I hesitate to brand that young of a person as a neckbeard. He might have been too young to understand what he was doing. Of course, I'm really good at coming up with excuses for behavior. It is for the Reddx community to decide.
This next guy is a complete piece of shit though. All names changed, bla bla. I had a group of friends that I hung out with in my hometown. Our friend Jason lived in a big farmhouse down the road, and we would all hang out in the loft of the barn. His older brother Tanner would hang around too.
He was always showing off by jumping out of the loft, and doing fire tricks with lighter fluid. My friends and I thought he was really cool, and we all had a crush on him. In the way that an elementary school girl would be impressed by the high schooler that hangs out with them.
Well one day, Tanner rides over with his bike to ask if I want to hang out. I find this less acceptable for my parents to let fly, but maybe they thought Jason was home like I did. He was not. I was so self satisfied that a high schooler wanted to hang out with just me.
Now I was so lucky in this scenario that I don't expect you to believe this part, but I swear to you this happened. It is literally the reason I believe in God, no exaggeration. When Tanner took the only available seat, he asked if I wanted to sit in his lap. I was so embarrassed that I immediately said I was fine standing. I proceeded to pace around the loft restlessly, rambling about nothing in particular.
I was wearing flip flops at the time, and stepped on a board with a nail in it. It went through the side, and it narrowly missed my foot. I just pulled it out, threw it to the side, and kept pace talking. The second time I stepped on that board, the nail went between my toes.
When I again pulled it out and tossed it aside, Tanner commented that I should probably move it. I said, "I already stepped on it twice. What are the chances that I step on it a third time?" The third time I stepped on it, the nail went into the heel of my foot. I remember looking down confused and saying, "Umm... oww?" I didn't feel a thing. Tanner freaked out and took me to the house to patch my foot, then I walked home.
Now, all of that may seem long winded, but at the time I remember feeling proud in that moment. I was obviously not aware of how bad that situation was. Tanner was constantly showing off that he had a high pain tolerance. I just had a nail go through my foot and didn't feel anything. I thought that it somehow made me cooler.
I didn’t say anything to my parents about it. I had stepped on a rusty nail, and that meant a shot. A few years later, it came out that Tanner was sexually assaulting his brother Jason. He ended up going to prison for a few years, and eventually the family moved out of that house. On a side note, they were cooking meth in that house. I also didn't understand the significance of blankets stapled to the walls at that age.
I know we didn't get into much beard territory in this one. I promise we will touch on a story with more detail in the next part. We also get into some of my questionable decisions as well. Still, it would be a disservice to leave these two out of the fold. Even if short, they were an important part of my journey. I'll see y'all in the next one.

L?, Can't mess with the flairs sadly
Hello y'all! I am a male teen. My parent's are separated. My dad married Tremaine, bravo if you get that reference. Tremaine was very abusive to me. As of today she is not. Nor has she been to her kids. She has even apologized for all the bad years! But she is still entitled when it comes to her kids. (Besides me ofc) As in her eyes they can do no wrong. Like when I got about stabbed and smacked my brother's hands. She was mad as I smacked his hands. Not that he tried to stab me.
But let's set our cast. Me, Braiden, Aiden, and Kaiden, Dad, and Tremaine. Braiden, 11. Aiden, 8. Kaiden, 5. (All fake names, and give or take on the ages) Tremaine is about five feet and my dad is about 6'2.
Now onto our scene: A target, in the toy aisle. As we were there so my brothers could all get a toy. Braiden just had a birthday a few days ago. Dad is with the Aiden and Kaiden. Tremaine and myself are following Braiden/chatting. He picks out a $70 usd lego set. He is told he can't get it... Now onto the story! And I wish I could make this up
Braiden: "But, I want it!"
Tremaine: "I get that, but you can't."
Braiden: "BUT! I want it!" He said while stamping his foot
Tremaine: "No, let's go put it back buddy"
Braiden: "BUT! I WANT IT!!" He began to yell while really stamping his feet
Tremaine: "Here, hand it over so we can pick another one" She tried to gently grab it
Braiden: "NOOOOOO!!!!" He then holds it above her head
She of course goes to reach for it. When... *SMACK!* ..... He done slapped her as hard as he could. My mouth is at the floor at this point. How could he have the audacity?! If I ever did that, I'd be wacked right there. I'm very much debating on what I should do at this point. I should just let things play out.
My step mum, to I assume not wanting to wack him in the store went to take a breather. About a minute later she returns. Cue the same interaction. *smack.* ... She then smacked him, a gentle smack. Not enough to hurt him (I could feel her rage though lol), but enough to tell him she's not playing around. Bad move. Very bad move.
Braiden then lets out a scream of bloody murder, that's the loudest I ever heard someone scream. He then stumbled back, and then made sure to also flail his arms too. He then looks at the shelves... and throws himself onto them. *BOOM!*
Braiden: "AHHHHHHH!!! SHE HIT ME! HELP ME! AHHHHH! OW! OW! OW!" *BOOM!* He threw himself onto the other shelf. While still stumbling mind you.
Braiden: "SOMEONE HELP ME!! MY MOTHER HIT ME!! ABUSIVE MOTHER!! HELP! CALL CPS!! AH! AH! AH! AH!" He yelled as if he was doing his best alarm clock impression. *BOOM!* He continues his ballerina dance of agony and caterwauling. *BOOM!* He's still going on how his mother is abusive. You'd think we're in no man's land on how loud he is being
My dad comes running as his kid is screaming bloody murder and loud booms are being heard.
Dad: "What the heck is going on here?!"
*BOOM!*
Dad: "WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?" He is met with another boom and more wailing and caterwauling which I could not understand what he was saying.
Dad: "Alright you're going into the cart until we can calm down" He then picks Braiden up and places him into the cart.
Now I'll have you guess what happens next? Does Braiden A. Start swearing at the top of his lungs? B. Jump out of the cart and continue his dance of agony? C. Accept defeat and calm down? D. Start thrashing the cart around?
If you said C you are incorrect. It's B.
Braiden: "THIS CART WILL NOT HOLD ME!" He then jumps out quickly... *BOOM!* "HEEEELLPPPP!!!!"
Back in he goes. He jumps out. Begins to do a charge scream, and is promptly put back into the cart. Back out, back in. Back out, in. Eventually he stops.
Tremaine: "Because of your actions you won't be getting a toy"
(Long akward pause"
Braiden: "AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HELP ME! ABUSIVE MOTHER! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP! CALL CPS! HELP ME!"
He does the only plausible thing... Back to the caterwauling. But this time he begins to thrash the cart violently. Mind you he's yelling this at everyone he sees. Oh did I mention he already got the whole store's attention when he started throwing himself into shelves? They were all staring, some pointing, some laughing. As pretty much during this whole time me and Tremaine are just standing there watching this.
Then with his plans going nowhere he begins to do his best sailor impression. And punching the cart.
Braiden: "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU MOM! I HATE YOU DAD! I HATE YOU ESPICALLY, (My name) AS YOU'RE JUST A [Sailor impression]! AND I HATE MY BROTHERS! THEY GET TOYS! BUT WHEN I ASK FOR A MEASLY TOY I'M SMACKED?!" Cue more wailing.
My dad takes pity on him. Back to the toys. Where he then gets a toy. Not the 70 one, but one he is collecting. To the checkout. He sees some candy. "I WANT THIS!" No... he begins to wail. He gets the candy. "I WANT TO GO TO GAMESTOP!" To gamestop we go! "I WANT THIS! I WANT THAT!" Until he screamed so much he fell asleep.
Now I know what you're thinking... Did he get punished?! No. Not in one single way. Besides the shopping cart, but that barely counts. This is one of many, many, many, many stories I have. Good for stories lol, not so good to witness. Anyways thanks for reading, have a nice one!
Oh and this is one of the milder tantrums... I haven't seen the bad ones, and I hope I don't have to
Edit: Yes I cleaned up the items that fell of the shelves

Hey all.
Around Christmas I wrote and ran an adventure and the players died terribly during it. Tragic. I loved the storyline and the play leading up to their dramatic death at the turning point with the BBEG so much that I decided others might want to TPK their players in a cold hearted, snowy murder mystery turns mystical fight for the future.
There's a GMBinder document available here: https://www.gmbinder.com/share/-NKV-gQpIWkys9U_FtrF
Let's dive in shall we?

Warm hearts in a Cold winter

About the Adventure

This adventure places a party of level 5 characters at the center of a quarrel between two composers. It is located in Suzail but could as easily be placed in any major city.
Naturally, it should take place during a winter season or in a cold climate.

Precursor

A vengeful sylvan spirit, having possessed a young mage some weeks ago, has murdered and taken the place of a reputable maestro.
His goal is to play a piece of music at the upcoming charity gala where the nobles of the city will be in attendance, subsequently raising his army of snow borne abominations and launching his conquest upon the warm world.

Summary of Events

The city of Suzail is in celebration as the Noble Heart Winter Charity Gala is being built up with structures, merchants and performers stretching upon the promenade from the Royal Court Theatre in either direction for some distance.
The story begins with the players getting in touch with the director of the Royal Court Theater, Antonio Fellini and his assistant Nicolette Fiorelle.
In speaking to the director and his assistant, the players learn that a maestro named Giovanni has stolen the sheet music to be played at the gala by another maestro, Lucian.
Antonio suggests they check his residence and Nicolette takes the players there. Giovanni is not home. Nicolette suggests he may be at The Golden Dice, a gambling hall on the dockside.
Searching Giovannis residence, the players find a collection of cash-out receipts for The Golden Dice gambling hall and a collection of notes and drawings with a strange square signature in the corner of each. Anyone with the artisan background recognizes the signature of Hari Noshi, a tattooist on the dockside.
If the players go to The Golden Dice first, Giovanni is not there and soon after arrives a gang of thugs sent by Lucian who are also looking for Giovanni. After the thugs are dealt with, the owner of The Golden Dice informs the players that Giovanni is likely at his friend Hari Noshi's tattoo parlor down the way.
When the players arrive at the tattoo parlor, they find a robed ogre shaking down a grappled Giovanni. Archers watch close by and a scout sits hidden keeping watch on the alleyway.
If the gang from the gambling hall is still alive, they arrive to assist in any conflict. If the players manage to save Giovanni from the gang, he offers to give the players the sheet music back; he left it with a scribe named Peregrin to have a copy made, and proceeds to take them there.
When they arrive at the scribery they find the door locked but the scribe is visible through a window, hunched over his lectern. However they enter, the players and Giovanni find a dead scribe, his lips blue, a frozen quill in his grasp, frost formed on his fingers and a peaceful look on his face. Giovanni is in shock, and sees that Peregrin had copied across but a single bar of the music. Peregrin is an alchemist as well and maintains a small supply of potions for healing, cold resistance and poisons antidotes.
Giovanni lets the players have the sheet music, deciding that this has all cost him far more than he bargained. The players can decide what to do.
If they return the sheet music to Antonio, they meet Lucian, a lithe pale well dressed figure with white gray peppered hair. When he speaks, it's in a slow passionate tone. He is thankful for their work and offers a reward for the music before adjourning to rehearse. Antonio pays the players and they're free to do as they will until the gala begins.
If the players choose to investigate Lucian in any fashion, events can twist a bit. Ultimately the players should see the gala begin (unless they solve the puzzle before then) and eventually lead to Lucian's performance. As the music crescendos, Lucian's body is suddenly wracked by seizures leading to the release of a slyvan spirit and the sudden spawning of several abominable snow soldiers.
The players must defeat the sylvan creature amidst the army of Purple Dragons, the newly spawned army of snow beings, and the chaos of the galas patrons and the citizens running for their lives.

Adventure Hooks

The director of the Royal Court Theater needs help he can trust to get the sheet music back and not get Giovanni arrested. How the players meet with Antonio and Nicolette should relate to professions and backgrounds where applicable. Some of the following suggestions may work for you.

• A noble background character is delivering a thank you or picking up tickets on behalf of their noble family.
• A bard could come in contact through the local Bards College or by visiting the Royal Court Theater.
• Rogues or streetwise characters could be contacted by Nicolette who needs someone discreet.
• Fighters, Paladins, Clerics would be contacted by a guild or through a church or temple respectively by Nicolette's contacts.
• The players could be visiting the Royal Court Theater as part of a tour of the promenade.

Royal Court Theater

The Royal Court Theater in Suzail is a grand theater located in the capital city of Cormyr. It is known for its opulent interiors, which include a gilded ceiling and ornate chandeliers. The theater is home to a variety of performances, including plays, operas, and concerts. It is a popular destination for tourists and locals alike, and is often considered one of the cultural gems of Cormyr. The theater is well-known for its excellent acoustics and has hosted some of the most famous performers in the realm. It is also a frequent venue for events hosted by the royal family of Cormyr.

Meeting Antonio & Nicolette

These two are a bit frantic and unsure of what to do. Antonio is stricken yet calm while Nicolette is beside herself, blaming herself for her irresponsibility.
When they greet they players, they are polite and willing to discuss what they know if it seems the players are to be helpful.
If they ask about Lucian, they state that he left on business of his own soon after he heard of the theft.

The Theft

Antonio & Nicolette explain that the maestro Giovanni had visited to discuss the upcoming gala and what he was expected to perform.
In discovering that another maestro named Lucian was to play, he became angered and although they had assumed he had left, they soon discovered he had stolen the sheet music that was to be played.
Giovanni left a note that stated Lucian did not deserve to play the music as Lucian was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a silver bell to call his wet nurse.
Antonio suggests checking Giovanni's home and Nicolette agrees to take the players there. The residence is only a few blocks away down the promenade.

Finding Giovanni

The players arrive at a two story brick building with a few opulent apartments, each featuring a tall archway patio window with a wrought iron railing encircling a stone patio balcony.
Giovannis apartment is one of the upper floor units although he is not home when the players arrive. The players can force entry on the door, gain access via the unlocked balcony door, or seek the landlord who lives in one of the lower units.
The landlord could be convinced to provide the key with a successful Charisma (Persuasion or Deception) check (DC 14) and a plausible story: locked out lover, family member, or parent depending on the individual. A successful Intimidation check will cause the old landlord to die of heart failure.

Nobody's home

Giovannis apartment is disheveled, with old laundry, stacked dishes, piles of parchment with ink scrawled across them and a large four post bed in disarray.
When the players search the apartment they find a collection of receipts for winnings from the Golden Dice, a dock side gambling hall.
If they roll 15 or better, they find drawings with the signature of Hari Noshi. Nicolette explains that is Giovannis tattooist.
If the players do not successfully search the apartment, Nicolette will offer that he gambles and may be at the hall.

The Golden Dice

The Golden Dice is a well decorated and well protected establishment on the dock side. It is the gambling hall known by the wealthy to be seedy but safe to patronize. Care of Dargen Goldhand, the Golden Dice has guards and free ale for house regulars such as Giovanni and any character with the Gambler background.
Giovanni is not here, and the patrons are all too engrossed in their doings to care for the players questions. Asking too many times over may bring the ire of the house guard or the patrons.
If the players seek out the management to ask about Giovanni, they're politely informed that he covered his debts some time ago and that he's not been seen for weeks.
During this time three mercenaries will arrive also seeking Giovanni. Markus, Grimgore and Vaxin consider themselves professionals and don't directly threaten the players, although they make no secret of their objective and tell the players to stay out of their way or suffer consequences. They don't attack unless attacked directly, and will otherwise rush towards Hana To soon afterward.
If the players dispatch the thugs without hearing about Hana To and let the thugs escape, Dargen offers that Giovanni could be at the tattoo shop.

Hana To

When the players reach Hana To, they find the rest of the crew that is after Giovanni as well as Giovanni and his tatooist Hari Noshi.
The tattoo shop is a mess, Hari Noshi is visibly injured, and an ogre by the name of Ogrimm has Giovanni in his grasp.

Ogrimm & Company

If the players attempt to negotiate with Ogrimm he tells the players to mind their own business or be shot. If the players press attempts to negotiate he gives the word for his archers to loose upon the two closest players.
If they still do not engage but continue to try to negotiate, Ogrimm laughs at them and continues to rough up Giovanni.
If attacked, Ogrimm doesn't want to fight to the death and will offer quarter if one or more of his crew are killed.
If the players refuse quarter, he will attempt a tactical retreat, providing covering fire using magic missiles from his wand or while he can cast them and resorting to fire bolts if necessary. If possible, he will grapple and carry Giovanni.
If Ogrimm manages to knock out or kill any of the players, he offers quarter. If the players take it, Ogrimms tells them that they can wait until he is done with Giovanni and then go about their business.
If Ogrimm is afforded the time, he will roughly interrogate Giovanni about the location of the sheet music before finding a receipt for a scribe named Peregrin on Giovanni.
Ogrimm at this point will throw Giovanni aside and leave the scene to go retrieve the sheet music from the scribe.
At this point Giovanni is badly injured from the interrogation but tells the players to get to Peregrin before Ogrimm does.
If the players have dispatched or routed Ogrimm and his crew, or taken Giovanni from Hana To and escaped, Giovanni is thankful and tells them that he is regretful for what he's done and what it's cost his friend. He takes the players to the scribe.

Peregrin's Dead

Peregrins home is a small two story brick book store with a placard that reads his name in gold serif font.
Upon arriving at the scribes residence the players will find the scribe visibly hunched over his lectern, presumably sleeping.
His door is locked however and banging on the door doesn't raise him. Observant (Passive Perception 13 or better) players will note there is a bit of frost on the windows, inside the building.
The players can get in through:

• an unlocked second floor window
• by finding the spare front door key behind a loose brick of the door frame
• breaking any of the locked first floor windows

However the players gain entry, they are confronted with a very dead Peregrin. His lips are blue his finger tips are frozen and his whole body is cold as ice.
Giovanni will be visibly saddened by this and will observe that Peregrin was working on the copy but only managed a few bars in before he died.
At this stage, Giovanni asks the players to see that the music is returned to Antonio, and states that this debacle has now truly cost him far more than he bargained.

Moonlighting

Peregrin kept a lab where he practiced alchemy on the second story of his shop.
Searching his lab will reveal 1d4 + 2 Potions of Healing, 1d4 Potions of Cold Resistance and 1d4 Potions of (Hill) Giant Strength.
In his living area he kept a modest wardrobe, a small savings of 300 gold pieces and receipts for shipments of alchemical goods and book binding equipment arriving.

Enroute

If Ogrimm and his crew are still alive, the players may have to deal with him in some fashion or get to Peregrins faster than them (eg: by horseback). It's up to the DM how long it takes Ogrimm and the crew to reach Peregrin. He is resourceful but he does not have transportation at the ready.

Meeting Lucian

Presuming that the players return to the Royal Court Theater with the sheet music, they will find Antonio, Nicolette and Lucian meeting in the main foyer.
Antonio is relieved to see the players arriving and asks for Giovannis condition. If Giovanni is dead or incapacitated, Antonio is greatly grieved by this and will lash out at Lucian for sending thugs. If Giovanni is alive, the director and Nicolette both breathe a sigh of relief and thank the players for their involvement, avoiding any mention of the thugs.
If the players provide any mention of the thugs, Lucian readily states that he hired and sent them to retrieve his property as was his prerogative. He apologizes coldly for any inconvenience upon the players and offers to pay them what he was to pay Ogrimm's crew.
If the players hand over the sheet music, Lucian thanks them and retreats from the meeting, stating that he must rehearse.
If the players ask about the sheet music before handing it over, Lucian is dismissive of their questions, stating he has no time for their petty, paltry prattlings and that he must get to rehearsals.
Antonio will parrot these statements in a more polite tone while Nicolette will stay quiet and stoic.
If the players accuse, or degrade Lucian in some way, the director, Nicolette and Lucian will all be visibly shocked while Antonio will demand that they hand over the sheet music, take their payment and leave. If pressed, he will threaten to summon the Purple Dragons justice upon the player.
If the players take payment and leave they receive a sum of 100 platinum pieces to be divided amongst them.
If they part on good terms the players are told they can expect special seating for the affairs to come.
At this point, the players are free to wander the promenade and take in the sights of the gala that is now coming under way.

The Noble Heart Winter Charity Gala

The Noble Heart Winter Charity Gala is an annual event held in the city of Suzail, Cormyr. It is a grand affair, attended by members of the royal court and the wealthy elite, as well as various nobles, politicians, and other influential figures. The gala is held in the Royal Court Theater, a magnificent venue known for its opulent decor and state-of-the-art stage and performance facilities.
The gala is held to raise funds for charitable cause, with a focus on helping those in need during the cold winter months. Organized by the Royal Court Theater and the Noble Heart Foundation the charity manages to raise a significant amount of coin each year by pitting the various noble houses against one another in a blind competition of wealth and giving.
At its core, the gala is a mix of high brow showmanship and grass roots fund raising. The various churches are well aware of the ego surrounding the noble houses and how to tread about those egos to maximize the return towards their efforts.
Those who organize the events are masters of negotiation and the effort and cunning they put into enticing the noble houses into providing as they do can not be understated.
In dealing with problems such as general toxicity, outbursts of tempers or outright violence that may surround the event, those who can will attempt to persuade and dissuade the aggressors to understand the core spirit of the event, agreeing and soothing the frustration that some may express.

The Director, Klaus Von Santos

Called a 'man of the people' by his peers, Klaus works tirelessly with a large and wide spread team of passionate people to make the gala a success each year. He can be found in any number of areas around the gala grounds. He is an aging elf of 600 years who emigrated to Cormyr some 60 years past. He has made Suzail his home and is an accomplished musician as well as event coordinator. He is a devout member of the Church of Tyr, swearing that he had his life saved once by the deity. He enjoys reading the daily news and gossip rags to 'keep up with the times' and is an accomplished Mage.

Event Organizers

The passionate people who make the gala possible run the gamut of individuals from laborers and architects to performers, organizers, and on and on. The gala and the construction thereby can be described as an organized chaos consuming the promenade surrounding the theater.

Honored Guests of the Gala

If you are placing this adventure in Suzail, in Cormyr, in the Forgotten Realms canon, then this list of noble houses should suffice as the high level roster of attendees.

Who's who

From the Obarskyrs who rule Cormyr to the Maelstroms from distant Waterdeep, every noble family worth their clout in coin can be seen at the affair. They tour about in carts, dressed to impress and to stay warm, in that order. Here are a few of the families that would attend:

House Obarskyr

The Obarskyr family has ruled Cormyr for centuries, and is the most powerful and influential noble house in the nation. The current ruling monarch of Cormyr, King Azoun V, is a member of this family.

House Barrowmaze

The Barrowmaze family is a powerful noble house in Suzail that is known for its wealth and influence. The family is involved in various businesses and industries, and is known for its charitable works and philanthropy.

House Dauntinghorn

The Dauntinghorn family is another powerful and influential noble house in Suzail. The family is known for its military prowess and its connections to the Purple Dragons, Cormyr's elite military corps.

House Bryne

The Bryne family is a wealthy and influential noble house in Suzail that is involved in various businesses and industries. The family is known for its support of the arts and its philanthropy.

House Maelstrom

The Maelstrom family is a powerful and influential noble house in the city of Waterdeep, one of the largest and most influential cities in the Forgotten Realms.

House Illance

The Illance family is a powerful noble house in the city of Baldur's Gate, another major city in the Forgotten Realms.

Sights & Sounds

There is quite a lot to see and do at the charity gala.

Decorations & Decorum

The entire promenade explodes in color and dress as tapestries, arrangements, lights and statuary are hung from buildings, or placed in the street.

Ice sculptures

The Noble Heart Winter Charity Gala features a stunning display of ice sculptures, showcasing the talents of the city's finest ice sculptors. These intricate works of art range from detailed, realistic pieces to whimsical, playful figures inspired by the winter season.

Ice skating

Guests can enjoy a bit of ice skating along the Promenades specially-made rink.

Sports

Professional athletes and local enthusiasts alike showcase their skills in a variety of winter sports, including ice climbing, ice skating, and skiing.

Fashion show

The Noble Heart Winter Charity Gala also includes a winter fashion show, featuring the latest in winter clothing and accessories.

Hot chocolate bar

From Waterdeep with love, Delphine comes to serve a variety of flavors and toppings for heated milk mixed with chocolate.

Craft brews & Fine wines

Hot mead, the finest spirits and the frothiest ales are served and on tap throughout the gala grounds as artisans local and not come to show their generosity.

Food

Culinary expertise is awash in the streets as various vendors come out to feed to destitute and any others who want a bite to eat.

Silent auction

Guests can bid on a variety of items and favors from the church and is the largest source of income for the gala.

Donations

While the focus of the Noble Heart Gala is the wealthy and the wealth they provide, there is no shortage of provisions provided by the general population.

• Blankets: Piles of blankets can be seen on carts located along the Promenade, donated towards those who need them to stay warm.
• Clothing: Warm, fuzzy coats, lined breeches, gloves, and dozens of pairs of new & old boots can be seen collected in crates and wagons.
• Food: Non perishables such as jerky or salted, wrapped meats, assorted dry goods and even barrels of ale and mead are provided for those in need.
• Heating: From old oil or wood stoves that are still serviceable to the fuels that provide their output, those who are fortunate to have a roof but no heat are thankful for this.
• Medicine: Herbal remedies, alchemical draughts, bandages and other supplies can be found collected in a few locations along the promenade.

If players wish to donate they may although to purchase anything locally is virtually impossible as everything that can be purchased to donate already has been by all the noble houses.

Events

The following events assume that Suzail is your venue of choice and provide a few celebrities from other D&D canon that dungeon masters may or may not want to include.

d10	Loot
1-2	Protestors
3-4	Drunk Noble
5-6	Fire!
7-8	Chef who?
9-10	Thief!

Protestors

A group of protestors from the various churches gather outside the gala. They are angry at the flambouyence and excess demonstrated by the gala shouting slogans and carrying signs such as:

• "Charity starts at home, not a gala!"
• "The rich don't need another party!"
• "Distraction is not a solution!"
• "Spend the money on those who need it!"
• "Showing off is not helping!"

They are peaceful but loud and disruptive.
A successful Charisma (Persuasion) check (DC 15) could convince them to take their grievances where it can be properly heard (a magister or event organizer), or a Charisma (Intimidation) check (DC 15) could scare them off.
Alternatively, a Charisma (Deception) check (DC 15) could convince them that their counter parts are else where and that they should seek them out.
If the players do not intervene, the authorities eventually show up and arrest the protesters to much maligned shouting and cursing from the protesters and any nearby gala attendees.
If the players successfully intervene, the protesters leave and the players are thanked cordially by the Purple Dragons.

Drunk Noble

A wealthy, intoxicated patron becomes aggressive towards some of the needy, calling them "riff raff" and "street rats".
A successful Charisma (Persuasion) check (DC 15) could convince them to calm down and behave, or a Charisma (Intimidation) check (DC 15) could intimidate them into behaving.
If the players do not intervene, the patron is eventually hit with a snow ball and falls over unconscious in the snow while the thrower is chased off by the authorities.
If the players successfully intervene the noble withdraws and the players are thanked cordially by the vendor.

Fire!

A fire breaks out in a greasy food stall, quickly engulfing the whole of the stall in a horrible blaze. Throwing snow upon the greasy fire causes it to spit and burst wildly. Throwing mud upon the fire wil slowly douse it away.
If the players do not intervene, the stall burns to the ground.
If the players successfully intervene, they are lauded loudly and the establishment owner offers them lodging at a local inn and meals anytime they wish.

Chef who?

A self proclaimed gourmand by the name of Gurney has lost their pass and is trying to enter the gala. He claims he's from Phandalin, come a long way to provide his services, and is visibly frustrated.
A successful Charisma (Persuasion) check (DC 15) could convince the gate guards to let them in, or a successful Intelligence (Investigation) or Wisdom (Perception) check (DC 15) can find their pass wedged in the floor boards of the drivers seating on their wagon.
If the players do not intervene, the chef is told he can purchase a vendors pass with the organizers to which he shrieks that he already has before turning around and leaving.
If the players successfully intervene, the chef thanks them cordially and tells them to visit him once he is set up. If they do, he gifts them with a Bowl of Endless Soup.

Bowl of Endless Soup

Wondrous item, rare (requires attunement)
This simple clay bowl appears to be unremarkable white clay, but upon closer inspection, it is adorned with a border of engraved sigils translating to 'soup' in various languages.
When an attuned user speaks the word 'soup' in their language, the bowl will produce a never-ending supply of steaming hot soup.
The soup constantly replenishes itself and never seems to grow cold or spoiled.
While attuned to the bowl, you gain the following benefits:
You are immune to the effects of extreme cold and starvation.
As an action, you can command the bowl to fill with soup of any flavor you desire. It does not produce stew.
Soup produced this way will satisfy any hunger and restore 1d6 + 4 hit points to any creature who consumes it while the soup is fresh from the bowl. Soup transferred to another vessel loses its effect after fifteen minutes and tastes as bland as water.
The effects of the soup last until the creature takes a short or long rest.
The bowl will remain filled with soup until commanded to empty, at which point it will become empty until commanded to fill again.

Thief!

A pickpocket is operating in the crowds at the gala.
A successful Perception check (DC 15) could notice them in the act, or a successful Charisma (Deception) check (DC 15) could pretend to be a wealthy patron and attract them. A successful Charisma (Persuasion or Intimidation) check (DC 13) can get them to leave under threat of the authorities.
If the players do not intervene, they may find themselves victims of the pickpocket. The pickpocket is sighted some time later and arrested soon after by the Purple Dragons.

Bad blood

If Ogrimm and his crew are still alive and were not routed, they will seek out revenge against the players for costing them the job with Lucian.
The crew will organize an ambush at the gala using whomever is still alive.
Ogrimm will look for an opportunity to take care of business off the beaten path and if no good opportunity presents itself he will patiently await his chance.

Investigating Lucian

If the players grow suspicious of Lucian and look into his behavior they will notice a few strange details.

Obelisks & Orihalcum

If the players look for Lucian in the gala, they can find him doing a tour of the promenade. If they follow him they will find him approaching each of the obelisks mentioned above. At each one, he places a small piece of Orihalcum upon the sigil.
If he is approached about this, he states that he is supporting the cause and doing his part for the celebrations.
If the players vandalize an obelisk the Purple Dragons will be summoned and the vandals arrested or driven off.

Loosely dressed

If a player character has a passive Perception score of 15 or higher, they will notice that Lucian is dressed in a simple open collar shirt, silk breeches and high boots; far under dressed for the cold weather.

Cold atmosphere

If a player character has a passive Perception score of 15 or higher and stands within 5 feet of Lucian, they will notice the air is noticeably colder near him.

Frosty breath

If a player character has a passive Perception score of 15 or higher they will notice that when Lucian speaks indoors, his voice steams or that when he speaks outdoors, it does not.
\pagebreak

Crescendo

The central point of the gala is the unveiling of the honors that the noble houses will appreciate for their gifts to the those in need.

Laments of the Frost

The time comes eventually for Lucian to perform his music for the eager nobility.
As Lucian's music fills the air, the temperature begins to drop rapidly.
A burst of icy wind erupts from one of the frost obelisks scattered throughout the gala. A fog quickly rolls through and a howl is heard as a pack of snow wolves materialize out of thin air as beyond them can be heard the tromp of footsteps, the screams of people and the sound of a war horn
The obelisks pulse with cold energy and a blue shaft of sparkling light pulses into the sky from each of the obelisks.
The players must work quickly to destroy the obelisks if they hope to stop the spawning of the sylphs minions and weaken the spirit and ultimately defeat it.

Winter Frost & Company

When the sylvan spirit bursts from his vessel he arrives with a searing cold vengeance and a near army of cohorts. As the gala erupts into a catastrophic war of winter kind hunting the population, the Purple Dragons can be relied upon to leap into action as do the many private companies protecting their noble patrons.

Winters Frost

Medium humanoid (elemental), neutral evil

• Armor Class 16 (natural armor)
• Hit Points 71 (13d8 + 13)
• Speed 30 ft. ___ STRDEXCONINTWISCHA :---::---::---::---::---::---: 14 (+2)18 (+4)12 (+1)14 (+2)16 (+3)18 (+4) ___
• Saving Throws Dex +7, Wis +6, Cha +7
• Skills Deception +7, Perception +6
• Damage Immunities Cold, Fire
• Condition Immunities Charmed, Exhaustion, Frightened, Paralyzed, Petrified, Poisoned
• Senses Darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 16
• Languages Common, Giant, Infernal
• Challenge 5 (1,800 XP) ___ Frost Aura. Winters Frost is surrounded by an aura of cold that extends 5 feet around him. Any creature that touches him or hits him with a melee attack while within 5 feet of him takes 5 (1d10) cold damage.

Magic Resistance. Winters Frost has advantage on saving throws against spells and other magical effects.
Magic Weapons. Winters Frost's attacks are magical.
Innate Spellcasting. Winters Frost's innate spellcasting ability is Charisma (spell save DC 15). He can innately cast the following spells, requiring no material components: At will: frostbite (1d8 + 4 cold damage) 3/day each: ice storm, wall of ice
Snowstorm (1/day). Winters Frost can use an action to create a storm of snow and ice that fills a 30-foot radius centered on him.
The storm lasts for 1 minute or until Winters Frost dismisses it as a bonus action. While the storm persists, Winters Frost has advantage on Dexterity (Stealth) checks made to hide, and creatures other than Winters Frost have disadvantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks made to detect him. In addition, any creature that enters the storm or starts its turn there takes 5 (1d10) cold damage.

Actions

Multiattack. Winters Frost makes two melee attacks.
Frostbite. Ranged attack. +7 to hit, range 60 ft., one creature. Hit: 8

Snow Wolf

Medium beast, neutral

• Armor Class 12
• Hit Points 7
• Speed 50 ___ STRDEXCONINTWISCHA :---::---::---::---::---::---: 12 (+1)14 (+2)8 (-1)3 (-4)12 (+1)6 (-2) ___
• Saving Throws Perception +3, Stealth +4
• Languages understands Common, Sylvan but can't speak
• Challenge 1/8 (25 XP) ___ Keen Hearing and Smell. The snow wolf has advantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks that rely on hearing or smell.

Actions

Multiattack. The Creature Name makes Number and type of attacks
Ability Description. Attack Style: Attack Bonus to hit, Reach/Range, one target. Hit: Damage Damage Type damage
General Ability Description. General Attack Description

Morgue: https://crawl.kelbi.org/crawl/morgue/UnderM1nd/morgue-UnderM1nd-20230325-040412.txt
Phew! God it took so many splats to do this - probably not as many as I had to take for my DrTm^Gozag win, but still a lot. Seriously, going from playing a big beefy tanky boi to a tiny lil dude that gets shredded in 0.2 second by half of the enemies in the game REALLY forced me to change up my tactics, lol.
The first, and perhaps hardest obstacle was getting used to how summon aggro works. It's... weird. There's specific positions you can move to relative to your summons in order to have the enemies ignore you and attack the summons instead, but a number of things can go wrong - very smart enemies might say "fuck that" and go for you anyway, ranged enemies might just shoot over your summons, you can still get tormented and bolted and smote, etc.
The second obstacle was learning what to do when dangerous enemies manage to get in melee. I started playing KoSu runs since before attacks of stupidity opportunity were added, so what I would usually do back then is just run and kite them back until I got a chance to summon. After AoOs became a thing I had to think of something else - if you get to that point you probably mispositioned in the first place (or maybe just got unlucky), but if you have a summon nearby you can try to weave around it so that it's between you and the enemy. If not you'll need to summon one first which gives them more time to hit you. Or, y'know, you can just Blink if you have that. I had Blink and PoG this game but I barely had to cast the former and the latter wasn't cast even once.
Clearing Shoals and Elf was an absolute power trip because I had Call up by then, yet I also had the two closest calls of the run on those two areas as well. In Shoals, I ended up getting netted in LoS of like 5-7 mermen who were all in spear range and stabbing me, plus a faun shooting at me. I had like 30 HP left, and couldn't use ?blinking obviously since netted. Thankfully, I had a !invisibility handy and noticed that none of these guys have SInv. I also had Call up, so seemed like my best bet to just pop invis, chug healing, and pray the dragons murder them all. That's exactly what happened. Then in elf I ran into Zenata in the HoB (don't ask me why I even opened the HoB, I... honestly don't know. I think it was lack of rHubris, lmao). I had to TP away from Zenata and her dancing weapons with low HP like, 3 times. But eventually she got killed by dragons before she could summon 10 million dancing weapons at me. !invis saved my lucky ass real hard against her too. Honestly, !invis was probably the most valuable consumable of this run aside from some timely ?blinking saves.
I've had many more close calls thoughout the run though none as scary as the above - I honestly feel like my DrTm-infested brain still had me making a dumb play or two now and again, lol. But all the amazing spells Sif dumped on me saved me real good. Speaking of Sif, I actually tried KoSu with several different gods. I actually started with Sif, then someone suggested me to try Kiku and learn some necro spells early on top of summoning ones, which I did try, and I also tried Yred later on. All of these gods felt like strong choices and I feel I could have gotten solid wins with any of them with enough persistence, but ultimately I went back to Sif because I just love how Sif showers me in MP and useful spells so I can get all the good summoning spells nearly guaranteed and then spam them with imputiny every fight if I need to.
Summon Hydra is amazingly good BTW. It carried me SUPER hard throughout Lair, late Dungeon, and Spider. As soon as I got that I knew I'd just have to stop training everything and laser focus summoning to get that castable ASAP. Defenses suffered a bit but it was very worth it. Later did the same with Call, again a risky move but again it paid of. Having a ring of wizardry to be able to spam Call earlier than usual was also a huge factor, by the time I went to Shoals it was already up so I just steamrolled through the place mostly.
As always, I was wracked by indecision as to what third rune I would go for. I felt I had solid chances with any of them - had plenty of regen for Abyss, had all the good consumables to deal with TRJ, and had more than enough firepower to try a stab at Vaults:5. Thankfully, the game made the decision for me by giving me a trove asking for the slimy rune. So I just waddled over to slime pits, managed to get down to slime:5 astonishingly fast (every single up stairs was in sight of a down stairs lol). Popped Call, made a bunch of noise, TRJ came to see what's up. Popped !Lig and read like, three ?Torment. Then I just read ?Immolation while having a ring that gave me rF+++. TRJ blew up in hilarious fashion, much unlike my last attempt (see my latest post in this sub). It DOES work... if you torment it first that is!
I honestly felt so strong I felt I could even go for a 5 rune for the style points. But I didn't let my lack of rHubris get to me, and went straight to Zot after getting the slimy rune (and looting the trove that asked for it - it had like, nothing useful to me other than an acquirement that wasn't even that good, LMAO).
I also feel like crazy amount of good equipment I got this game was also a big factor. I had so many good rings, helms and boots lying around I was constantly indecisive as to what to wear. Seriously, check out the resists on my gear, that stuff's NUTTY. Had both Regen and MPRegen from very early in the game (I love that buckler ngl), and the only resist I felt I was missing at some point was rPois for Spider - but I had a ring of rPois in an orc shop, just went farm Shoals 1 for the gold, got the ring and went to Spider, no problem. Rare are the games where I don't struggle with some resist or another, so feelsgoodman.
Now I feel like trying a Gnoll of some kind, they seem to have a very fun and unique playstyle. GnWr? GnFi? I also want to try and see if I can get it to worship Lugonu - idk, GnFi^Lugonu or something similar sounds like a blast to me. If only Abyss Knight was still a thing...
DrTm and KoSu were the ones I wanted the wins on the most though, so I'm very happy I managed to get it, though much like my DrTm win I feel like it was sloppy and I could have played it much better. Cheers!

The previous thread revolved around Plinkett's logic/realism comparison between the Death Star's interior and the "Theed power room", the much more reasonable Bespin comparison that was left out of the picture, and how this omission compromised the point that was being made.
https://old.reddit.com/RedLetterMedia/comments/11yn4jh/flawsinsufficiencies_in_rlms_spacewar_commentary/
This post is going to be about the high/low stakes of the Ep1/Ep4 plotlines and the way those are analyzed by RLM:

Plinkett audio commentary: SW Ep1
And he has one last chance, and he puts that part in the pod - and finally, the pod starts working, and he can enter the big race - you know, to win the big prize at the end which will save.. the whole.. family.
And then he says "it's woorrrkiiing.." and you know, then you swell the dramatic music... - and that's when that scene works?
That scene doesn't work.. 20 minutes into a movie that's not about podracing.
I'm sorry to get all bitchy on you, but-.. but-... d'you ever watch this movie and, and be like... why did that happen, or, or-.. "I don't feel anything inside".... you know, I'm- like "I'm dead inside"?
Well.. - I'm.. just trying to explain why you feel dead inside when you watch this movie, or you don't feel excited - even at the end when they have the, big.. celebration? You know, [impression]- [...]
But even at the end when they have the big, like, festival - like-... you're just like.. "So?" So what, there's a midget there now with an eyepatch on, and-... some boring-ass bitch.. gives a frog a glowing ball. Wwhy the fuck do I care?
It's not like the end of the original Star Wars when Luke, Han, and.. Chewbacca, get medals from Princess Leia - it's like, those guys saved the fucking day; what did these guys do? Oh, they resolved a tax dispute...

Plinkett: Ep1
Number 10: Anakin Skywalker
[...]
Oh we're still on this planet are we?
So Qui-Gon manages to pull off the most convoluted bet ever, and somehow wins everything except for Anakin's mother.
Even at the end of the movie when they save the day and probably could get the cash to buy the mom from Watto - they don't go back for ten years.

So - what's going on here?
In one quote, he says "they save the day (at the end of Ep1)", and then in another he says they don't save the day - in contrast to the heroes at the end of EP4 who do save the day.
This is of course a direct self-contradiction;
and between two excerpts that are both talking about Anakin on Tatooine, in the context of the podrace, no less.

Plinkett audio commentary: Ep1
Oh.. - that's a good question, are you here to free the slaves Qui-Gon? No, actually we're.. we're in the process of settling a tax dispute... ohhh.
Yeah I guess freeing slaves would've made a better movie...
it's good we went with something boring, we wouldn't want to excite the audience too much...

So instead of joining the dramatic high-stakes cause of freeing the slaves, Anakin instead joins the undramatic low-stakes cause of settling a tax dispute,
quickly and easily fixing his pod in an undramatic low-stakes fashion, reflecting the undramatic low-stakes nature of said tax dispute where they don't save the day, that is contrasted with the dramatic high-stakes Ep4 ending where they do save the day, and then forgets to return to pick his mom up after saving the day with the tax dispute?

Plinkett audio commentary: SW Ep4
But the real thrust of this scene is, this is when the stakes are really raised - insteada just a giant floating ball in space, we are now shown that the Death Star is capable of blowing up whole planets; and our ragtag group o' heroes are the only ones that can stop it...
Tension, stakes, a ticking clock!; heroism, and adventure - it's what makes Star Wars great.
Much like the Phantom Menace - when the Gungans fight the Robots to help Queen Amidala find the Viceroy, so that she doesn't have to sign a treaty to make the non-violent invasion legal in the courts...
[crickets...] Uhmm.. [..........]

Now it's an "invasion" instead of a "tax dispute", however a "non-violent" one - hence still low-stakes.

Number 6: Invasion! Of Boring…

Plinkett: Ep1
Number 10: On to Planet Number 3. Is it time for death yet?
Welcome to Coruscant - home of the mid-air collision; and BORING SCENES.
So the Queen waits around for some kind of approval, o-.. for something, to stop her people from dying- Why are they dying? I guess they're dying though...
But I didn't see anyone die?
In fact I haven't even seen any Naboo citizen at all - as far as I know it's a city with 20 or so pilots, a couple of bureaucrats and officials.

Now there's talk of "people dying" all of a sudden - how "non-violent" was this invasion tax dispute again?

Why are they dying? I guess they're dying though... But I didn't see anyone die?

"I guess x is happening" = treating it as an uncertainty (although arguably also some indifference);
the fact that it isn't shown is presented as a reason for doubting that it's happening (although it could also be referring to presentation - implying that not showing it leads to indifference:

Plinkett: ST Generations
He was trying to save a pre-industrial civilization that we never see... - or care anything about.

);
"why" is literally inquiring about the reasons and causes behind it, but really it also kinda means "why am I supposed to believe that it's happening".
Clearly along with lines like this:

So the Queen waits around for some kind of approval, o-.. for something,

, Plinkett isn't making any moves to go through the movie and analyze the information - instead he's just comically trying to piece together his foggy memories of the plot, while channeling confusion and indifference.
A more proper look at this, one that the review probably should've taken, potentially reveals the source of this uncertainty and confusion:

"How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?"
"The Queen and I will sign a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here - I have assurances it will be ratified by the Senate."
"I will not cooperate."
"Now, now, Your Highness - in time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view.
Commander." "Yes, sir." "Process them." "Captain - take them to Camp 4."

Makes what can be called a "credible threat" about doing something to the people.

"Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with us."
"Thank you, Ambassador - but my place is with my people."
"They will kill you if you stay."
Sio Bibble: "They wouldn't dare!"
Panaka: "They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal, they can't afford to kill her!"
"There is something else behind all this, your Highness - there's no logic in the Federation's move here. My feelings tell me they will destroy you."

Here the psychic Jedi senses some lethal intentions on their part, probably making the earlier threats even more credible;
of course Panaka already thinks they're capable of murder - and seconds earlier, Qui-Gon's retort was probably meant to be understood as "they tried to kill us instead":

"Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador."
"The negotiations never took place. It's urgent that we make contact with the Republic."

Either way, now there's a credible threat of "suffering" against the population, and a credible danger of them killing the Queen.

Number 8: I'm gonna slit my wrists
[Sigh...] It's hard to stomach any more of this shit - I still don't know who the main character is and why we should care about any of this.
At around this point in the original Star Wars movie, we've been with Luke almost the whole time getting to know him.
We see his plight;
his hopes and dreams...
we feel his frustration...
and then his sadness...
The slow build-up added depth, and emotion; and anticipation for the story to expand.
In the Phantom Menace we have nothing - we've a monotone queen, who's hiding from signing a treaty that's supposed to do something.
Why in fuck's name should we care at all.. I don't care about any of these characters?

What is the treaty supposed to do again?

Number 6: Invasion! Of Boring…
So what exactly is the purpose of this invasion?
It's almost like after Lucas wrote the invasion scenes, he didn't.. really know what to do next? - so he thought he'd make the Queen have to sign a treaty, to make the invasion legal; I mean, why not?

The guys that want this treaty signed (whatever it's about) threaten her with making the people "suffer" - and the content of this treaty is that this faction that threatens the population with suffering while invading, arresting and keeping them as hostages, will get to "legally" stay there with no one doing anything about it.
The stakes of fending these invaders off vs. succumbing to them already seem quite high - and Plinkett is obviously going out of his way to downplay it all (if he's remembering it to begin with, at that moment):

In the Phantom Menace we have nothing - we've a monotone queen, who's hiding from signing a treaty that's supposed to do something.

One might wonder how he managed to miss or forget this; a look at the part where he covers the threat scene, reveals a few things:

Invasion! Of Boring...
Inside the city, Queen Aminalan has been captured by the green guys; but instead of forcing her to sign the treaty right then and there - or keeping her locked up inside the big capital building under heavy guard - they inexplicably send her away from them. ["I will not cooperate." "Now, now, Your Highness - in time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view."]
"Commander." "Yes, sir?" "Process them..."
Remember - this is the most important person in their whole plan - and they send her to be... "processed"?, in some place called "Camp 4".
Droid: "Captain - take them to Camp 4."
Ohh; but at least they remember to send her with a whopping 8 battle droids to protect her from the 2 Jedis that they just discussed they had not found yet.
"You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi..." "No need to report that to him, until we have something to report."
But don't worry - these battle droids have proven very effective against Jedi Knights.

So there are 2 alternative options that Plinkett is suggesting the green guys should've gone with, instead of "sending them to Camp 4":
a) "Forcing her to sign the treaty right then and there" - this is of course in the very scene where they're expressing the threat against her population if she doesn't sign it.
While it's possible to speculate about what other more direct forms of force or coercion they could've applied there to accomplish it "right then and there", these pseudo-euphemistic threats against the population are the method of coercion they're going with here, and it's not clear whether Plinkett is even aware of this at all.
b) "Keeping her locked up in the Palace instead of sending them away, where the 2 Jedi could jump in."
This is correct - however his focus on just this one aspect of this scene causes him to talk over the part where Gunray is verbalizing his threat, and only turn on the sound right after, when Nute moves to the "Camp 4" part:

they inexplicably send her away from them. ["I will not cooperate." "Now, now, Your Highness - in time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view."]
"Commander." "Yes, sir?" "Process them..."

So now as a result, Plinkett is talking over the part where Nute is issuing his threat to the Queen, saying how they should force the Queen to sign the treaty "right then and there"...
And, this of course also facilitates the massive downplaying of this situation later in the review:

Number 8: I'm gonna slit my wrists
In the Phantom Menace we have nothing - we've a monotone queen, who's hiding from signing a treaty that's supposed to do something.
Why in fuck's name should we care at all..

Now they escape the planet instead of "cooperating", so the possibility arises that the Trade Federation might repeat their threats a bit more emphatically, or even start making them real in order to exact pressure:

"The death toll is catastrophic... We must bow to their wishes! You must contact me!"
"It's a trick. Send no reply - send no transmissions of any kind."
"It sounds like bait to establish a connection trace."
"What if it is true - and the people are dying?"
"Either way, we're running out of time."

So now it sounds like they're making it real - "catastrophic death tolls".
Going a step further however, instead of merely exacting that pressure, they're also trying to trace them in case they merely decide to just reply at first - even if they refused to "bow to their wishes" at first, they'd already betray their location.
The "bait" conclusion is stated with a high level of certainty here - and is in fact immediately confirmed to be real, even if the details of it seem inconsistent and confusing (since the ship didn't reply, but Darth Maul still has a trace?):

"Tatooine is sparsely populated - if the trace was correct, I will find them quickly, Master."

However the possibility that the assertion about the "death tolls" might still be true, is left up in the air - the Jedi / Queen don't know, and the audience isn't clued in either.
That is until they've left Tatooine for Coruscant, where it's then also confirmed as true:

"Your Queen is lost, your people are starving... and you, Governor, are going to die much sooner than your people I'm afraid..."
"This invasion will gain you nothing! We're a democracy - the people have decided!"
"Take him away."

However upon a closer look, 2 factors still cause a certain amount of doubt, or uncertainty:
1) Technically the only thing that's confirmed here is that Bibble hadn't been made to lie, and in fact does believe that "the people are starving" (or at least isn't shown doubting it)- however he's shown to be alone with Gunray and some of his droids in what looks like an empty part of the palace; if this is representative of his general situation, and he's being kept here isolated while being told about mass starvation, how is it a certainty that he's not being lied to as well?
Perhaps the movie isn't thinking that far, and considers the confirmation that he was being honest and hadn't been performing under pressure or threats, as an automatic confirmation that it's all true - however it's not clear.
2) "The people have decided"? This makes it sound as if the pressure is being applied to the population itself, to presumably accept the Trade Federation as their new rulers - as opposed to the Queen or even him or any of the other remaining officials to "sign the treaty".
So some kind of different thing seems to be going on here, and this casts doubts on whether this scene even takes place in the same continuity, or might be from a different script version.
However, the very next scene it cuts back to the ship, and Padme is replaying a recording of his message (not having seen it herself while on Tatooine) - and, with no thoughts given to it having been a confirmed trick, and possibly untrue, seems to believe it without question:

"The death toll is catastrophic! We must bow to their wishes! You must contact me!"
"You all right?"
"It's very cold."
"You come from a warm planet, Ani - a little too warm for my taste. Space is cold."
"You seem sad..."
"The Queen is worried - her people are suffering, dying...
She must convince the Senate to intervene, or... I'm not sure what'll happen."

It seems like the moment it's "confimed" to the audience via a villain cut-away, the protagonists now automatically start treating it as true as well.

Plinkett audio commentary: Ep1
the audience knows - but he doesn't know.

This continues into this later scene:

"The Courts take even longer to decide things than the Senate! Our people are dying, Senator - we must do something quickly to stop the Federation!"
"To be realistic, Your Majesty... I think we're going to have to accept Federation control for the time being."
"That is something I cannot do."

Later in the Senate session, even before anyone mentions anything about death tolls, the very notion of the invasion is already placed under doubt:

"Honourable representatives of the Republic - I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. The Naboo system has been invaded by the droid armies of the Trade-"
"I object! There is no proof! This is incredible... We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth!"
"The Congress of Malastare concurs with the honourable delegate from the Trade Federation - a commission must be appointed!"
"The point..."
Mas Amedda: "Excuse me, Chancellor."
"Enter the bureaucrats - the true rulers of the Republic; and on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add. This is where Chancellor Valorum's strength will disappear."
"The point is conceded. Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?"

Initially by bad actors, of course - and Valorum seems to be under pressure to act like he's sharing or at least respecting these doubts:

Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
At the end of the movie, Amidalen goes back to the planet to solve the problem herself - cause the Senate wanted to send an independent team to investigate whether or not the invasion was real.
"Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?"
I guess the testimony of two Jedi Knights wasn't good enough; [Qui-Gon talking to Valorum on the Coruscant platform] those were the guys that Valorum trusted enough to settle the whole dispute in the first place? That don't make sense?..

However the Malastare speaker may or may not be genuine, and generally the Senate is not presented with any additional proof for these allegations;
could the Jedi have been used as witnesses, given how they had been sent in "secret" to begin with?

"the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...."

Given how backed into the corner the Valorum is,

"Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope?" "If I may say so, Your Majesty, the Chancellor has little real power - he is mired by baseless accusations of corruption; the bureaucrats are in charge now."

probably not.
Then, after all the preceding interruptions, Amidala finally brings up the deathtolls - stating it as fact (even though she has no reason to be certain about that part - unlike the invasion and "attack on sovereignty" itself):

"I will not defer - I've come before you to resolve this attack on our sovereignty NOW. I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die, while you discuss this invasion in a committee!"

Proof or reason aside, the room is instantly won over and apparently has no doubts left.

"Yousa tinking yousa people ganna die?"
"I don't know..."
"Gungans get pasted too, eh?"
"I hope not."

In this scene it's not clear whether Jar Jar is just getting things wrong and she's merely humoring him, or whether this talk about "gonna die" (as opposed to already dying in the present - does this mean he's asking if they're all gonna eventually die?) and her uncertain response ("don't know whether they'll all die before they can intervene"?) are rather, again, from yet another alternate continuity / script version,
where the Neimoidians haven't yet started claiming to be already causing death tolls, but are rather threatening that they'll genocide them all if their demands aren't met - and that Amidala doesn't really know if that's gonna happen or not, or if they'll manage to prevent it or not.

"I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator - there'll be nothing left of our people, our way of life."
"I understand your concern, Your Majesty - unfortunately, the Federation has possession of our planet."
"Senator - this is your arena; I feel I must return to mine.
I've decided to go back to Naboo."
"Go back? But your Majesty, be realistic, th-they'll force you to sign the treaty!"
"I will sign no treaty, Senator. My fate will be no different than that of our people."

Apparently Palpatine agrees with Plinkett that they could potentially apply some more direct and successful form of "force" here - since otherwise the pressure they're applying now (causing those "death tolls") isn't going to fundamentally change if she returns.
Apparently the talk is about them threatening her directly, to which she responds with "my fate won't be different than the people's".
However this line here:

"I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator - there'll be nothing left of our people, our way of life."

once again casts doubts on what exactly is being referred to here, or which script version continuity is currently on display - especially if compared to / combined with this:

"The Trade Federation has destroyed all that we have worked so hard to build - if we do not act quickly, all will be lost forever."

What have they "worked hard to build"? And what "way of life"?
Before that it was all about drastic life-and-death issues - however these lines, esp. in a vacuum, rather make it sound like the Federation is just eroding their culture/projects/values/sovereignty/spirit/etc. which is worth fighting for, but isn't blotted out by the even a lot worse CATASTROPHIC DEATH TOLLS.
Back here on Naboo, however, things generally seeming to undergo another shift - after the somber tone of the Coruscant stay, where one might say depressing notions about death tolls matched the general mood, here in this new chapter the tone is upbeat and optimistic, and perhaps for this reason nothing more about any deaths is brought up again:

"What is the situation?"
Panaka: "Almost everyone's in camps.
A few hundred police and guards formed an underground resistance movement. I brought back as many of the leaders as I could.
The Federation army's also much larger than we thought - and much stronger. Your Highness, this is a battle I do not think that we can win."

"Almost everyone's in camps", but that's all he says.
No one cares to find out whether

"What if it is true - and the people are dying?"

It's never confirmed, nor refuted, nor ruled out - just no longer mentioned.
However at the very least, at this point they're already firmly planning to end this occupation, and now have the means to do it (more on the confused unclarities regarding this aspect at some later point) - they're no longer faced with the decision to either contact Sio Bibble and potentially expose themselves, or accept further death tolls; and no longer powerlessly stuck on Coruscant hoping the government does something; now there's just one way forward.
So does that somewhat account for all of this? Well, somewhat, sure, maybe - if that mindset is what leads to the more upbeat attitude and corresponding tone of film, there may be a connection there; however they're still not finding out anything about this highly dramatic question, and the lines they're saying ambiguously seem to be taking place in a much lighter reality to begin with.
Earlier, they checked on the Gungan city - and there, Panaka did voice speculations about what might've happened to them:

Obi-Wan: "Do you think they have been taken to the camps?"
Panaka: "More likely they were wiped out."
"Mesa no tink so."
Qui-Gon: "Do you know where they are, Jar Jar?"

However that was of course instantly resolved.
Ultimately, between its different "chapters", this movie has a noticeable cognitive dissonance about how high these particular stakes are:
at first a threat is made;
then the villains claim to have started making the threat real, however they're using that as a trap in order to trace them - creating a sense of creeping uncertainty about it all, as Darth Maul is closing in on them;
then once "the audience is shown", everyone starts treating it as a fact, in the context of the somber tone of the Coruscant stay;
and finally it all gives way to an upbeat tone during which this notion softly disappears from the narrative, and the lines that are used to refer to the nature of the occupation are now much more compatible with the notion that this is a:

Tension, stakes, a ticking clock!; heroism, and adventure - it's what makes Star Wars great.
Much like the Phantom Menace - when the Gungans fight the Robots to help Queen Amidala find the Viceroy, so that she doesn't have to sign a treaty to make the non-violent invasion legal in the courts...

However while it's possible to view this all as a fragmented combination of several mutually contradicting continuities, it also remains true that Gunray had expressed a violent threat, the protagonists were shortly after given the impression that he may very well have started putting it into practice, this was then "all but confirmed" by the cut to Sio Bibble on Naboo (though only to the viewers, not the protagonists), and then none of this was ever explicitly contradicted, or ruled out - even not by all the lines that, in isolation, would make a very different impression.
The selective memory of these lines seems to be the basis for this "non-violent invasion" comment - without the realization that they are effectively refuted by all the other (much more emphasized and explicit) parts that indicate a violent one (or, at the very least, one in which a mass starvation is induced);
an equivalent, albeit a very disproportionate one, would be if someone selectively remembered these lines from Ep4's black roundtable scene here:

"The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us; I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the old Republic have been swept away."
"That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?"
"The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line - fear of this battle station."
"And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness... and exploit it."
"The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands."
"Any attack made by the rebels against this station"

Never mind the "fear of this battle station" or "attacks" or "

This scene is pretty important to the plot, but it's really just there to engage an element they call the "ticking clock" - it's a basic function used to create tension in a story. They almost have the Death Star ready; it's ready to shoot giant lasers, and they plan to use it to crush the Rebellion - by destroying their hidden base.

; the plot of this movie is about governors non-violently controlling their local territories while non-violent rebels want to exploit the technical readouts of a station.

So the Queen waits around for some kind of approval, o-.. for something, to stop her people from dying- Why are they dying? I guess they're dying though...
But I didn't see anyone die?
In fact I haven't even seen any Naboo citizen at all - as far as I know it's a city with 20 or so pilots, a couple of bureaucrats and officials.

While obviously some "citizens" are eventually shown in the celebration at the end, the closest the movie ever gets to "showing anyone die", or confirming that it's taking place, is by showing Nute Gunray bringing it up to Sio Bibble who's acting like he accepts it as true (with the possibility that he's seen it not ruled out, but not confirmed either), and otherwise by having Padme believe his hologram transmission after that palace scene (although before that, the very same message was explicitly doubted).

Why are they dying? I guess they're dying though...

It looks like Plinkett is remembering the Padme lines, but not why she believes it's taking place, or what the cause of it is supposed to be in the first place;
obviously the answer to the first question is that "she's believing the governor's hologram message", and the answer to the second question is "because Gunray is trying to pressure her into agreeing to that treaty".
His uncertainty seems to primarily stem from ignoring and forgetting the information in the movie instead of going through it properly - however if he had gone through it, he would've also found a degree of uncertainty surrounding this: first as a direct part of the plot,
later in the form of residual doubts about how much of a "confirmation" the Bibble/Gunray scene is supposed to be (followed by Padme's sudden acceptance of his claims without learning anything new since it had been determined as dubious),
and eventually by the seeming dissonance created by lines that convey a milder version of the events and cast doubts on this plotline's internal continuity.
It's possible that this actual uncertainty created by the film subconsciously contributed to his uncertainty in some ways as well, in addition to him just not remembering stuff.

I guess they're dying though...

This seems like a casual acceptance of her claims - which coincides both with Padme's (unjustified, by rational metrics) acceptance of Sio's "death tolls" claim in the message, and the film's largely overwhelming (but not full) confirmation that it it was in fact true;
and, once again, may have been subconsciously influenced by that angle, but evidently isn't directly based on any precise analysis or recollection of those elements.
Aside from all this, his indifferent and semi-dismissive tone is also incongruent with, and unrepresentative of the dramatic intensity that those scenes are presented with - even if going farther with it (say, for starters, by showing any "Naboo citizens" before the very last scene) could have increased this intensity further.
Jumping to the preceding step of the Neimoidian's master plan -

But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion

:

Number 11: Please, God - make it stop. Make it end.
I mean I know George wanted the Jedis to fight in a cool place that's really Star Warsy? - so.. so what this is like a power generator? What does it power, the Universe??
So you're expecting me to believe that the people that built this technological wonder were dying without space supplies for 2 days??
Number 3: Death and Space Taxes
So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.
[...]
Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically; like that was the plot I think? But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie! Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this, is important...
You know what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kinda supplies were so crucial to the Naboo - what was it, like medical supplies? Just some kinda plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?
You see I would've accepted the idea of some kinda mystery villain if the basics were at least clear...

Both when discussing the invasion as well as the preceding blockade, Plinkett consistently doesn't bother with going through the available information (while already not remembering it properly to begin with, naturally) - however for some reason the two instances are given the polar opposite treatment:
While seemingly intent on downplaying/doubting/denying the "death tolls" and high stakes of the invasion (or, more specifically, Gunray's methods of trying to force the treaty agreement) way beyond the residual amount of uncertainty left by the information in the film,
the effects of the blockade are instead being vastly overblown here not based on anything in the script.

"Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events,"

"Deadly battleships" implies potential danger, and "alarming" just means that everyone is "alarmed" by this (easily explainable by it being perceived as a "bold move", or something people hadn't been sure was legal to begin with - judging by Gunray's emphatic insistence that it is "perfectly legal", and Sidious' ability to "make things legal" that weren't so before) - no resulting high-stakes crisis is implied by this at all; let alone one emerging after just a few days.

So the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around... Naboo, in order to stop them from getting space supplies - which instantly causes some kinda... crisis? - that we never see.

The bolded part is invented; "we never see it", nor does anyone imply it's taking place at all, or behave as if it does.

"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute."
"Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate - a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation."

The "trade/taxation dispute" has long escalated into the blockade before the movie even begins - which then escalates into the invasion a few minutes into said movie; the threats against the population start shortly after, eventually followed by the Governor's distress message.
Somehow during those segments of the audio commentary, Plinkett seems to have forgotten all about this, and apparently thinks that the "tax dispute" is still the full extent of what's at stake at any point after the 1st paragraph of the opening crawl:

Plinkett audio commentary: SW Ep1
And he has one last chance, and he puts that part in the pod - and finally, the pod starts working, and he can enter the big race - you know, to win the big prize at the end which will save.. the whole.. family.
And then he says "it's woorrrkiiing.." and you know, then you swell the dramatic music... - and that's when that scene works?
That scene doesn't work.. 20 minutes into a movie that's not about podracing.
I'm sorry to get all bitchy on you, but-.. but-... d'you ever watch this movie and, and be like... why did that happen, or, or-.. "I don't feel anything inside".... you know, I'm- like "I'm dead inside"?
Well.. - I'm.. just trying to explain why you feel dead inside when you watch this movie, or you don't feel excited - even at the end when they have the, big.. celebration? You know, []- [...]
But even at the end when they have the big, like, festival - like-... you're just like.. "So?" So what, there's a midget there now with an eyepatch on, and-... some boring-ass bitch.. gives a frog a glowing ball. Wwhy the fuck do I care?
It's not like the end of the original Star Wars when Luke, Han, and.. Chewbacca, get medals from Princess Leia - it's like, those guys saved the fucking day; what did these guys do? Oh, they resolved a tax dispute...
Oh.. - that's a good question, are you here to free the slaves Qui-Gon? No, actually we're.. we're in the process of settling a tax dispute... ohhh.
Yeah I guess freeing slaves would've made a better movie...
it's good we went with something boring, we wouldn't want to excite the audience too much...

All in all, on a general dementia--accuracy spectrum, Plinkett's commentary on this aspect of the plot keeps oscillating between these cases of sincere amnesia on the one side, and this bit on the other side:

So the Queen waits around for some kind of approval, o-.. for something, to stop her people from dying- Why are they dying? I guess they're dying though...
But I didn't see anyone die?
In fact I haven't even seen any Naboo citizen at all - as far as I know it's a city with 20 or so pilots, a couple of bureaucrats and officials.

This is the closest he ever comes to being "accurate", and it's still very far.
However while leaving out all the most dramatic scenes revolving around this, he also imagines a mass death crisis on Naboo caused by the pre-invasion blockade;
it's possible that this is him misattributing Padme's "people are dying" lines to the blockade and the resulting lack of space supplies - perhaps even forgetting that a subsequent invasion occurred at all, in those excerpts that is.
(However he's still thinking that there's a crisis with people struggling to survive without supplies, and a military blockade - which is more crisis drama (in this particular case, however, non-existent crisis drama) than he's remembering in these already familiar excerpts:)

Number 8: I'm gonna slit my wrists
[Sigh...] It's hard to stomach any more of this shit - I still don't know who the main character is and why we should care about any of this.
At around this point in the original Star Wars movie, we've been with Luke almost the whole time getting to know him.
We see his plight;
his hopes and dreams...
we feel his frustration...
and then his sadness...
The slow build-up added depth, and emotion; and anticipation for the story to expand.
In the Phantom Menace we have nothing - we've a monotone queen, who's hiding from signing a treaty that's supposed to do something.
Why in fuck's name should we care at all.. I don't care about any of these characters?
Plinkett audio commentary: Ep1
But even at the end when they have the big, like, festival - like-... you're just like.. "So?" So what, there's a midget there now with an eyepatch on, and-... some boring-ass bitch.. gives a frog a glowing ball. Wwhy the fuck do I care?
It's not like the end of the original Star Wars when Luke, Han, and.. Chewbacca, get medals from Princess Leia - it's like, those guys saved the fucking day; what did these guys do? Oh, they resolved a tax dispute...
Plinkett audio commentary: Ep4
But the real thrust of this scene is, this is when the stakes are really raised - insteada just a giant floating ball in space, we are now shown that the Death Star is capable of blowing up whole planets; and our ragtag group o' heroes are the only ones that can stop it...
Tension, stakes, a ticking clock!; heroism, and adventure - it's what makes Star Wars great.
Much like the Phantom Menace - when the Gungans fight the Robots to help Queen Amidala find the Viceroy, so that she doesn't have to sign a treaty to make the non-violent invasion legal in the courts...
[crickets...] Uhmm.. [..........]

Since all the segments with the direct Ep4 comparisons happen to be the amnesia ones, this causes the Ep1-Ep4 stakes comparisons to completely fall apart - as opposed to partially/overwhelmingly fall apart, if the less amnesia segments had been used instead.

[Part 1][Part 2][Part 3][Part 4][Part 5]
So… This session was weird. Initially titled “Session 5b”, this session starts during the tail end of session 5 chronologically. So how is it that Sister Cecilia (and everyone else in session 5) was simultaneously attempting to prevent Fredpocalypse 2022 *and* chilling with the rest of the group? Because it wasn’t us.
You see, this part of the forest was a strange labyrinth which created clones of Fred, Nalvyr, and Sister Cecilia; these clones (which we played) sought to trap the others in the maze. As a result, the DM created a traitor channel in the discord, which I will be using to aid in this recap. The quotes channel was also an aid, although it will be more helpful in the future.
TLDR: The stuff outside the spoilers is what Carl, Clarence, and Hattock saw. The stuff inside the spoilers is what Sister Cecilia, Fred, and Nalvyr [the evil clones] did.
Who was here?
Carl: The description in the notes is “Farmer from Tennessee who makes moonshine[, is] constantly high on mushrooms, and is dressed in renfaire gear”, which I think is a quote from the player. Comparatively armless.
Clarence: The druid. Has a dark and troubled past.
Hattock: The group’s fighter. Not particularly notable this session, apart from having some semblance of reason.
The clone brigade
Nalvyr: I still don’t actually know what class he is, but the player is True Chaotic
Fred: The rogue. The original holds the Silent Knife, but the clone isn’t silenced because a copy of a magic item isn’t magic
And [the late] Sister Cecilia, who’s being even more of a jerk than usual.
Let the session begin!
First came the question of what to do with a drunken sailor an unconscious bard. Hattock opts to gently pat Carl, but Sister Cecilia’s swift kick in the ribs means we never learn how well that would have worked. Accentuating his sudden return to consciousness with the panicked realization that he’s missing one of his arms, Carl does not take joking about losing the other well, screaming “IT WASN’T FUNNY THE FIRST TIME!”
Carl will remember this.
The area we woke the bard up in has a distinct burny smell, which (for the most part) is coming from the other side of a giant bramble wall, as well as a charred skeleton. Someone (presumably Carl) tries to get us to stop messing with it, telling us “It’s already been burned, leave it alone” twice. Hattock then tells Carl “You’re one strong bonk away from dying”. We eventually make it to a chipped bone field, where Carl is left feeling hot and dizzy; At the other end is a sturdy door, which Fred leads the group through.
We are now in the labyrinth. Faced with 3 potential paths, Sister Cecilia recommends following a wall because she wants to keep them trapped in the labyrinth and knows they won’t reach the exit that way and Carl recommends getting loot so we can drink away our sorrows on the king’s dime. There’s smoke and fire to the south and east respectively, and we resolve to follow Carl south. And on the way…

Sister Cecilia tells Carl: “Look, I know it’s been tough lately. We’ve all had our fair share of hardship on this journey, but of us all you’ve had it the worst. In light of this, I offer my aid: Just ask, I’ll give you a hand if you need it.”

Once the table stopped laughing, Carl muttered “lady give me strength” skyward and we began moving toward a cabin: Clarence in the front, Carl casting invisibility, and Nalvyr taking up the rear so as to set the house alight unnoticed. On the way there (presumably there was something dead/dying nearby?), when offered a spare arm to replace the one he lost, Carl says "I would rather have 1 arm and a soul than 2 arms and be possessed by one of them". Once at the cabin, Fred wins a game of rock, paper, scissors against the feral knight, which eventually blooms into friendship!.. Between those two only. As the group enters the cabin with the stack of bodies in the corner, Sister Cecilia pulls out a copper kettle and some broken ceramic cups from beneath her 7 veils and Carl asks if “the teeth man” (presumably the knight?) can write. With this, he reveals the corpses in the corner are held together by silver stitching before pointing to Carl.
On the way out, Sister Cecilia accidentally rips the door off its hinges. After a quick use of mending and a couple jokes about this place being a rental, we ask the tooth knight if there are more than 3 powerful entities in play. The tooth man just bowed, leaving us to go on our merry way after Carl was mysteriously mind spiked by Nalvyr, which apparently qualified as a strong bonk because he went out like a light. The player joked that he’d failed the save because he was too busy thinking about boobs. Hattock revealed himself to be an Echo Knight, summoning one to carry the bard as Clarence used Healing Word to wake up the sleeping bard-y. Now that Carl was conscious, he was fair game for Hattock to accuse him of something involving the Lady of Broken Branches. Carl’s reply was that he’s not a good seamstress.
The next area is “a major humming”. Sister Cecilia decides to question the centipede with human hands the party has resolved to leave the fuck alone [in an attempt to get it to murder the party]. As a result of her behavior, the centipede states that so many of us have guilty consciences. With that, we pretty much skip to the next area, which is full of bonfires.
As we approach the bonfire zone, the sound of bells surrounds us as Nalvyr casts Toll the Dead on the group, leading to a round of wisdom saves. After this, Nalvyr decides to ritual cast Detect Magic (presumably to find the origin of the ringing), an ominous figure appears in the distance, and Sister Cecilia accuses Carl of being a traitor – a baseless accusation interrupted by the arrival of one of the demon fire cats from session 3, approaching but scared of us. Carl gets close to the cat (which is hissing at everyone by this point), but Fred gets the cat’s friendship.
It’s name is Chicken Nugget.
Obviously Sister Cecilia takes the fact Carl was able to approach the cat at all as suspicious, even as we start to go further down our chosen route toward a pond. Which inexplicably has a cat in it. Carl finds this suspicious, and is starting to comment on it when the rest of the party catches up, makes their wisdom saves, and rolls two crit fails. Turns out both Clarence and Sister Cecilia are suckers for a cat in need, and we took off running for the lake. And we just kept running, even as we went into the lake. Clarence and Cecilia were drowning, Carl got a Spare The Dying right as he passed out (from Nalvyr’s well-timed Toll the Dead), we almost drowned. Good times.
Once everyone’s got of the pond and the Heimlich maneuver was properly applied, the group started discussing the bells that had inexplicably started ringing: Hattock said it’s the old tinnitus acting up, whereas Carl says (more pessimistically) that Sister Cecilia and Nalvyr can’t hear them because they’re not tolling for us… shortly before he has another attack of Fantasy Epilepsy as the cursed choker we’ve been carrying around force-attunes to him.
[At this point, Nalvyr’s player gets an idea: use predistignation to create a false path. I offer to be the first one down the path, so as to trick the others into following. The DM gives us the thumbs up for this plan.] As the group continues, the second person in line suddenly walks face-first into invisible brambles. This maneuver is repeated, by different people, in different variations, multiple times. In the midst of this, Sister Cecilia falls into a giant chasm we somehow never noticed. Surprisingly, she objects when Carl catches her, saying that she’s got some falling to do, returning from above. From here she starts having “glitches”, akin to if she was being recorded with a VHS tape.
Once the group returns & finds the way out through deus ex DM, we take a long rest before entering a crypt-esque area [which I actually requested]. One of the coffins (labeled “Illiana Aldrich” contains a model resembling Sister Cecilia’s corpse, albeit made from china with golden cracks (a la Kintsugi?); the hair, eyes, and clothing support the resemblance, and somewhere in this mess is a purple gem very similar to Carl’s necklace (which is also Carl now). Adjacent is a coffin labeled “Seitheach Aldrich”. At this point, we the traitors look at the clock, look back at the table, and realize we really need to wrap things up if we want to end at a decent time. It’s time to end this session with a bang.
It is here that Sister Cecilia loses it. Citing distrust, she attacks Carl, and the ominous visual glitching that was following her intensifies, before giving out, revealing her (and Fred, and Nalvyr) to be impostors made from plants. It is here, with us blocking the doorway out for the rest of the party, that the fake Sister Cecilia (who is inexplicably 90 degrees from vertical) ominously asks the following question:
“DO YOU ACCEPT ME AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR?!?”

I was always told keeping headphones in when in a fight was a bad idea. That was a goddamn lie as long as you were me. Lucky and sly. The reasons I'd never die.
I pressed the play button and shuffled around the sunlit street. The intro played and I hummed quietly along and switched between rubble for cover. I peaked my head and arms from cover and the lyrics started. I raised my carbine to meet the new meat and the thrill of the boom shuddered in my arms, matching the first words of the song.
"Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam.
Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam.
Black Betty had a child, bam-ba-lam.
The damn thing gone wild, bam-ba-lam" the band sang.
The meat went from skulking to scrambling as soon as the first shot went off. The first one went down over a corpse it was eating when a nice lead flower found a home in his spine. Next was one running for cover before a hole appeared in their gut. Their successor was the same, to which I chastised myself for being repetitive. The music went on until the best part started again.
"I said oh, Black Betty, blam-ba-lam.
Whoa, Black Betty, blam-ba-lam.
Whoa, Black Betty, blam-ba-lam.
Whoa, Black Betty, blam-ba-lam." the lyrics rang.
With each bam, another bullet left my baby and ran for a target. A felt the wind from bullets whizzing by as the meat started firing back. I stopped paying attention to the music and ducked back below cover before grabbing two grenades from my belt. I yoinked out the pins and jumped up to toss them towards the slabs.
“Boom boom bam-ba-lam, bitches!” I yelled.
Both of the metal balls went in different directions. One hit the ground and the other landed in the hands of one of the poor fools.
“What is this?” the slab asked.
I broke into a chortle from hearing his last words before the grenades went off and sent blood spray all over. A disembodied hand landed on the ground next to my cover and that only made me laugh more. It made a glopping noise as it bounced to the ground. I pointed and cackled at the hilarity of their deaths. The dumbells were too dumb to know that grenades went boom.
After laughing my ass off for a while, I finally got up. I picked up the nice handy and cut a claw off of it as a trophy. Even after getting my fill of violence, however, I still felt an itch of curiosity from what I’d learned about the slabs. They LOVED eating people and that seeded the idea in my head. With only a little hesitation, I lapped up some of the blood dripping from the arm and took in the taste. Still, it wasn’t my cup of sauce. The blood was so iron rich that it tasted like pencil lead. I threw the hand at an injured meat chunk that was holding in it’s intestines.
One by one, I shot every last body just to make sure they were dead. Double tapping was something I always remembered to do when I got the chance. It probably counted as a war crime, but nobody was watching me here. I was free and murder was easy.
Getting back to my music, I put on another song as I got onto walking, looking for another place to clear of slabs and to get my blood fix. The song wasn’t anything too killer, but it worked. Something about boots and truth and not much else. Being dumb old me, I smiled and listened to the lyrics without paying attention to much else. I felt a sudden shocking pain slam against my back and I was forced to the ground. My rifle fell away. Before I could flip myself over, a foot stepped over my leg and pressed in with enough force to bruise me good.
“OWWW! Motherfucker!” I screamed.
“Surrender, or face a bullet, human.” the meat man ordered.
“Fuck you! Let me see your face, coward! I won’t surrender unless I do!” I replied.
The target practice didn’t respond with words. Instead, it decided to manhandle me by lifting me up to my feet. It wrapped a talon right under my neck as a measure of safety. The only problem was that it’s talon was aimed at my collarbone and wouldn’t do any damage. Dumbass.
Looking over the slab, it was covered in a menagerie of beautiful looking scars and burns. We had that in common. Two battle marked warriors with something to prove in with deformities and death marks.
“Hehe. Nice scars, meat.” I snidely said.
The flesh looked over me and my marks and replied.
“You have some good ones too, human. What are the stories for your’s?” it asked.
I smiled a cruel smile, glad to have the idiot on the hook. I slowly fiddled with the knife behind my back as I started talking. The bag of guts was none the wiser and that’d be the reason he earned his last scar today.
“Well, let’s see. The eyebrow one was from getting a bottle slammed over me in a bar fight. Hehehe, gotta a nice few months of latrine duty for that one. The nice hole shaped ones are gunshot wounds from my fellow apes. The burn’s recent. Got it from some dumb Gojid whore with a flammenwerfer. Bitch got what was coming to her. A nice shot of 5.56. I got a few more, but those are hidden under all this and I ain’t getting funky with a lizard.” I declared, motioning to my armor and uniform.
The moron seemed impressed. I managed to fiddle my knife out of the sheath on my belt without his notice.
“So what about your scars, scabby?” I questioned.
The scab covered wretch smiled and jumped like a dog at the opportunity to speak. He was enjoying the idea of having a friendly conversation with a fellow killer. He started to point to various burn scars and scratches as he spoke.
“Krakotl with a plasma rifle. Harchen with a torcher. Harchen with a plasma rifle. A thing called a Yotul with a black powder rifle. This one is the newest. A Tilfish with a syringe. The bugs may still have some predatory instinct left from when they were actually sapient.” the slab declared while pointing to a torn up patch of scales where raw chunks of flesh could be seen sticking out.
“All good ones, dumbshit…” I muttered.
“TIME FOR ONE MORE!” I screamed in an instant, swinging a knife from behind me and towards his throat.
My eyes opened wide with bloodlust and a tinge of pain hit my brain as he tried to stab into my neck. It didn’t work and all that his attack did was tear a little chunk of flesh from above my bones. I couldn’t wait to slam the finish off another. He jumped back and I felt so sure, but then his arm backhanded into me. I felt a feeling like a wooden board against my face and fell with a flip to the ground. My nose was crunched in and bleeding profusely. I smile up at him with blood leaking over my teeth.
“Good one.” I chuckled.
“That was quite rude.” he replied.
“Fuck you.” I replied back with a nasal influenced tone.
“Not even in your dreams. Goodnight, human.” the slab taunted.
I tried to move before the butt of the rifle could slam into my head, but that didn’t work out and the world went all purple and black. Still, I wasn’t dead. I didn’t dream either though. I just slept for what felt like a few minutes, but was probably a few hours. Eventually, I woke up inside of an iron-walled cell. My broken nose was bandaged and casted. I laughed a little, realizing that my luck was still at full.
The dummies thought they’d put me in a cell, when all they’d really done was lock a bunch of targets in here with a crazed monkey who loved throwing rocks twice as much as the average monkey. Still, I did wonder where the cell was. Instinctively, I asked.
“HEY, GRAYS, WHERE THE FUCK DIDYA PUT ME?!” I yelled towards what looked like a door.
No answer came. I felt annoyed at the idea that they were refusing to talk to me. My response was to scream louder. I could hear the subtle breathing of something outside.
“ANSWER ME, FUCKWITS! I CAN HEAR YOUR NASTY ASS BREATHING!” I hollered.
“You are in a prison, human, now shut up.” a translated voice responded. The voice was the same as the one belonging to the Arxur I had tried to stab.
“Scabs, is that you, buddy?” I sarcastically asked.
At first, no answer came. Silence resounded for a few moments.
“Yes. I have been stationed to guard you unfortunately. Can you be quiet now?” the meat asked back.
“Oh come on now, Scabs. I really thought we were making friendly progress back there. What’s a little stabbing anyway? Just a minor thing, yeah?” I inquired.
The slab sighed as a response to my annoying talking.
“My name is not Scabs, first of all. Secondly, you are an annoyance even if you are beautifully violent. I do not wish to talk to you after that Venshit you pulled.”
“Ha! Beautiful? Don’t be slobbering over me, bud. So what is your name then, Mr. No Talky Talky?” I queried.
“Uggghhh, you need to silence yourself. My name is Kakars. Now, be quiet!” the slab ordered.
“Well, Khaki, I’m Bill. Nice to meet you and sorry bout that bout of violence, since you’re so worked up about it. I’ll shut up now” I laughed.
“Thank the Prophet.” the door muttered.
I allowed a minute of silent pause for maximum effect before letting a cheesed grin overtake my face. I thought of a song to pester him further and opened my mouth to sing it out.
“Say, Khak, ever heard a human sing? I got a good song for you.” I blurted.
“NO!” the door yelled.
“Yes!” I yelled back.
“There is a house in NEW ORLEANS!” I yelled to the agony of the Arxur.
He screamed in response. This was going to be fun. If I couldn’t make him bleed myself, I would make him claw out his eardrums. All the same in the end. Both would bring me a sadistic sense of joy.
“THEY CALL THE RISING SUN!
AND IT’S BEEN THE RUIN OF MANY A POOR BOY!
AND GOD, I KNOW I’M ONE!” I screamed aloud.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This story is meant to connect to The Same in Time as this character will become part of the ending of that story. Other than that, it's entirely unrelated and I created this because I found the idea funny.

Stranger: Hi
You: hi
Stranger: M
You: f
Stranger: 16
You: 15
Stranger: I am alex
You: im hannah
Stranger: Nice to meet you
You: nice to meet you too
Stranger: And Hannah is hot name
You: thx
Stranger: Could we talk somewhere else?
You: why
Stranger: We'll get to know each other
Stranger: If you don't mind
You: we can do it here
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: What you do Hannah?
You: go to school
Stranger: Same
Stranger: Are you the smartest in the class or the opposite
You: smart i geuss
Stranger: Wow
Stranger: What's your father profession
You: drugs
Stranger: What
Stranger: Drug dealer?
You: ya
Stranger: WTF
You: i haven't seen him in like 5 years
Stranger: Wow
Stranger: Are you sad about it
You: no
Stranger: You hate him
Stranger: ?
You: yes
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: You know you are the first real person I met here
You: same
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: So you got any brothers and sisters
You: 3 sisters and 5 brothers
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: Step or
You: 1 real sister 2 real brothers the rest are step and half
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: Are you happy?
You: ya
Stranger: Good
Stranger: After what your father did you deserve happiness
You: i guess
Stranger: Yes
Stranger: What you like to do
You: play roblox and skate
Stranger: Wow skating is cool
You: ya but its hard
Stranger: Yes it is
You: you skate
Stranger: Once I tried
Stranger: But I fell
You: that happens all the time to me
Stranger: Be careful
You: i do
Stranger: Good
You: what you do for fun
Stranger: I watch movies play games and I am writing a story
You: whats the story about
Stranger: 4 friends
You: 4 friends doing what
Stranger: Well one of them is rich
Stranger: Others are average.
Stranger: The rich guy has a hot and sexy girlfriend
Stranger: He plans to marry her
Stranger: But the others caught her cheating with two other rich guys.
Stranger: They were very angry.
Stranger: They kidnapped her
Stranger: Tortured her and then murdered her
Stranger: Then the cut the docks of those two other rich guys.
Stranger: Then the rich friend finds out that my friends killed her.
Stranger: Without knowing her true identity he kidnappes their girls and
Stranger: Furtjer
Stranger: Further
You: wow
Stranger: It's very dark when I tell it
You: it seems dark
Stranger: The torture scene is very violent
Stranger: Wanna hear
You: you have pictures
Stranger: Whose pics
You: of the story
Stranger: Well I am just writing it
Stranger: I don't have a cast for the movie
You: oh its for a movie
Stranger: Well
Stranger: I am writing it
Stranger: Then I'll go to LA
Stranger: If they like it.
Stranger: Then it's for a movie
You: theres gonna be tons of stuff cut out
Stranger: Yes
Stranger: Well I am planning to make it a R rated story
You: yes but still its very exspliset
Stranger: Yes
You: also what games do you play
Stranger: Hitman 5.
Stranger: Grand theft auto 5.
Stranger: Dragon ball xenoverse 2
You: i play roblox and novel games and half life
Stranger: Cool
You: what you play on
Stranger: Pc
You: same
Stranger: Y?
You: idk
Stranger: Sorry
Stranger: I meant you not y
You: maybe we can play some time
Stranger: Yes
You: you use steam
Stranger: No
Stranger: I pirate them
Stranger: I am captain Jack Sparrow
You: lol
You: i pirate vr games
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: Now a days everyone is a pirate
You: they are i guess
Stranger: Yes
You: so you dont have steam
Stranger: Yes. I don't
Stranger: Do you watch movies
You: yes
Stranger: Tell me your favorite
You: meg
Stranger: I have watched that
Stranger: It's cool
You: it is like jaws
Stranger: Yes
Stranger: So as I said I am a pirate
Stranger: You know my next heist will be your heart
You: ok
Stranger: You should tight security
Stranger: Ask the guards to stay alert
You: i dont have guards
Stranger: Well that makes it more easy for me to steal it
You: ok so your gonna cut open my chest and steal it
Stranger: not like that
Stranger: Wait you don't get it
You: i get
Stranger: I am flirting with you
You: i know
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: You scared me for a sec
You: why
Stranger: I thought you think I am a black market organ seller
You: no
Stranger: Listen
You: ok
Stranger: I like you
You: ok same kinda
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: You wanna hear the violent scene
Stranger: From my story
You: ya
Stranger: So
Stranger: Firstly the tie her up with ropes
Stranger: And she is naked
Stranger: Then they hit her with belts
You: its bdsm
Stranger: Then they cut her lips with knife
Stranger: They give shock to her breasts
You: and its sadistic
Stranger: They cut her vagina
Stranger: yes
Stranger: Then they kill her
Stranger: Completely
You: into it kinda but not the killing part
Stranger: Ok
You: were you live
Stranger: NYC
You: i live in ohio
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: Hannah is your name right
You: ya
Stranger: Or you lied that too
Stranger: And your father is a drug dealer
You: what
Stranger: You said he is a drug dealer
You: ya he is
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: So are we friends or a little more than that
You: idk
You: and im not lying
Stranger: Well
Stranger: You want to be more than friends ñ
Stranger: ?
You: no, yes if we know each other in real life
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: So since we can't do that
Stranger: Can you talk dirty to me
You: sure why
Stranger: Because I feel that you are hot
You: ok
Stranger: I am naked anyway
You: wtf
Stranger: Yeah I am changing
Stranger: Clothes
You: are you getting off to this conversation
Stranger: Sorry
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: Now I am not naked
You: ok
Stranger: Don't lie
Stranger: In real life are u hot
You: no
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: So
Stranger: Hannah do you finger yourself
You: no
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: Hanna
Stranger: H
Stranger: Have you ever had sex
You: no
Stranger: Kissed someone
You: no
Stranger: Wow seriously
You: im a loner
Stranger: Hmm
Stranger: I had it once
You: ok nice
Stranger: She was a friend of mine
Stranger: And it was amazing
You: hes hot
You: shes
Stranger: yes
Stranger: She had big booba
Stranger: Boobs
Stranger: She was like a anime girl
You: i dont like anime
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: Hannah
Stranger: Do you like to have sex
You: i dont know what its like but from videos it seem bad
Stranger: No
Stranger: Their way of doing it is bad
Stranger: It feels good though
You: ok
Stranger: Should I grab my dick
You: no
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: Will you press you boobs for once
You: ok
Stranger: Wow I almost feel you
You: also is it true guys would fuck anything
Stranger: no
Stranger: Fuck anything is not true
Stranger: Hannah are you alone in the room right now
You: ya
Stranger: Will you do something
You: what is it
Stranger: Finger yourself and talk dirty to me
You: wait i need to look up something real quick
Stranger: Ok
You: how do you do it
Stranger: Firstly
Stranger: Put your finger inside your vagina
Stranger: Then it's your choice wanna do it gently or go hard
You: ok
Stranger: Yes
Stranger: How does it feel
You: weird
Stranger: Well
Stranger: Hannah if you and me were together alone for a week
Stranger: What would you do
You: idk
Stranger: If you ask me
Stranger: I would have taken off your clothes.
Stranger: Then kissed you all over
Stranger: Then gently slide my dick in your vagina
Stranger: Then 💦
You: what does that emoji mean
Stranger: Cum
Stranger: That I would have cummed inside you
Stranger: Hannah how are you feeling?
You: weird
Stranger: Still weird
Stranger: Are you enjoying it
You: no it hurts kinda
Stranger: This is your first time right
You: ya
Stranger: First time it hurts a little
Stranger: Hey
Stranger: Listen cutie
You: ok
Stranger: Wanna hold my dick?
You: how
Stranger: Just imagine it
You: ok
You: what do you look like
Stranger: Well
Stranger: I am not black or white
Stranger: My skin tone is like Tom Cruise
Stranger: I am not slim or fat
Stranger: I take karate classes so I am fit
Stranger: Hey listen cutie
You: ok
Stranger: I gotta go somewhere
Stranger: If you want we could talk
You: talk how
Stranger: Snap or
Stranger: Any way you want
Stranger: What's app
Stranger: Fb
Stranger: Whatever
You: i dont have thos and im shy
Stranger: Don't worry
Stranger: You can trust me
Stranger: You got a number
You: ya
Stranger: If you feel secure
Stranger: You can give me
Stranger: Or just walk away
Stranger: OK
Stranger: Think fast
You: ok my number is 440 749 5067
Stranger: Listen
You: ok
Stranger: Do you have what's app
You: no
Stranger: Download it
You: ok
Stranger: It's easier there
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: I'll message you when I am free
Stranger: And don't worry I am not a scamer
Stranger: Wait what's the county code
Stranger: For your number
You: what
Stranger: Country code
Stranger: O I forgot
Stranger: +1
Stranger: Ok
Stranger: See you
Stranger: Bye
You: bye

So. Hi.
Crabcakes is a very little-known book so I'll link it here if you want more info! https://www.lulu.com/shop/the-cult-of-bobism/crabcakes-the-awesome-butlepaperback/product-g7zy4r.html?page=1&pageSize=4
Anyway, for whoever is unaware, Crabcakes is a novella that follows a time-traveling half-crab half-human trying to track down a killer in Victorian England alongside spoiled Cuthbert, badass Gethsemane, and funeral wrestling host The Fiend. It's short, sweet, and funny, but also has some really good themes and definitely makes you think.
Anyway, with the backstory out of the way - this is where the theory begins. I will warn you it discusses some sensitive current topics like Russia's invasion of Ukraine so if you are uncomfortable I advise you to skip this one.
So in chapter 6, we're introduced to a character named Eula. She was a former sitcom star on a show called "Funny Comedy" alongside characters like Hiroshi, Beethoven, Moose Poutine, Sexy Mario, and her brother, Ivan. When we meet Eula she is lying in a hospital bed with nearly all of her bones broken and a scar through her eye. It's revealed that Ivan attacked her using a faucet pipe and beat her nearly to death after getting possessed by a vampire after drinking "evil vodka". Eventually Eula recovers enough to move herself around in a wheelchair, and she and Ivan have a deep conversation about redemption and taking accountability. Eula gets a breast reduction a few months later and she's incredibly excited about it, even throwing an entire party for it.
While you were reading that, did you notice some odd parallels? This is what leads me to believe that Eula's arc in Crabcakes is a commentary on what is happening in Ukraine and how the rest of the world is treating it. First I'll start with the ones that jumped out at me.
- Their names. Ivan is an extremely common name in Russia, and while Eula doesn't have any Slavic origins as far as I can tell, it sounds cool and besides, Cult Leader didn't research the Italian character's name either. (I think that was a commentary on how the sitcom itself was ignorant)
- Eula's signature colors and flower symbolism. Her most common outfit pre-breast reduction is a blue sweatshirt that says "big boob!" on the front (a gift from the Funny Comedy crew), and a yellow plaid skirt. The outfit she wears at her breast reduction party is a pastel blue dress with a gold corset. Often, her eyes are described as blue and gold, as well as her magic beams in Catcakes. She is also often pictured holding a sunflower and wearing flower crowns.
- The vampire. Ivan was possessed when he drank vodka that was spiked with some sort of evil potion, thus making him susceptible to a vampire attack. The vampire was the one controlling his body when he attacked Eula with the pipe, and though it doesn't get a name, there *is* a plaque on the wall in the chapter 6 gallery scene written by "Vlad Assholeman" talking about Eula's breasts. Could this be the vampire? If so, it's a direct connection to Putin.
- Their relationship. Eula is Ivan's older sister, which makes sense if you consider them representing Ukraine and Russia respectively. Also the fact that Ivan is way largetougher than Eula is.
- The scene in Catcakes where Testicle Man asks Eula about the country she's from (so he can turn her into a sentient testicle and dunk her in alcohol) and she refuses to answer.
But then we get to the real meat of the theory. What was Ivan and Eula's profession? Stars on a sitcom called Funny Comedy where the "comedy" was murder and violence. While everybody was hurting each other, the audience just laughed BECAUSE IT WASN'T HAPPENING TO THEM. We can see firsthand how this is affecting Eula and everyone on the fictional show--hell, Hiroshi got harassed by "fans" making fun of his accent and even going so far as to bully his CAT, and Moose Poutine was literally TURNED INVISIBLE BY A SHOWRUNNER--but nobody seems to care.
It's a heartbreaking story but one that can inspire a lot.
Side note: I also believe all of the "Funny Comedy" cast members represent a country. Hiroshi is Japan, Nushi is China, Moose Poutine is Canada, Freddy is America, Bel is Belarus, Francis is France, Sexy Mario is Italy, Gunther is Austria, Luz is Hungary, Beethoven is Germany etc.
The book also borrows a lot from the anime Hetalia which gave Ukraine some massive honkers so there's that.

I’m looking for dick Grayson fan fiction where dick dies by the hands of the joker instead of Jason Todd. And is resurrected.
He can be like the red hood.
Or maybe he stays with the all caste
Or he goes off and does something else
Dick can be murdered after Jason becomes Robin or before.
But I like the idea of dick being Nightwing and giving his life for Jason’s.
Any suggestions?

You want to know the reason why it took me almost three months to get through this one book, and why I distracted myself by simultaneously reading almost two full Short Trips collections? It’s because it’s bad. As in, my least favourite book in the series so far, which is impressive when it’s up against masterpieces like The Eight Doctors, Kursaal and the two John Peel Dalek books. Because I dislike this story so much - and also just because I want to be done with it as quickly as possible, because I’ve been stuck on it for a quarter of a year - I decided that this review would just be a bullet-pointed list of all the problems with this book that I could think of off the top of my head. Believe me, even if I did it normally, it wouldn’t look much different.

• The Doctor and Sam? Barely blips on the radar here as they really struggle to make an impression amongst the sheer volume of stuff going on here, which is a symptom of a broader problem we’ll get back to later. Whenever the Doctor does show up, he suffers from the standard problem of falling back on older Doctors. In this one, he sounds exactly like Four - what with the random comedic interjections and aloof tone that he maintains throughout. He really is just there, no development to speak of and not even any good Doctorish material, really. Sam is especially bad here - just the self-righteous teenager that I thought we had moved past by now, moralising and making speeches in a way that irritates more than anything. Where Seeing I gave Sam an opportunity for genuine self-reflection, this book acts like that entire novel never happened, despite the occasional reference back to the events of it. I can’t even say that they were badly handled, they were just so nothing.
• Easily the book’s biggest problem is its side cast. There are just far, far too many characters here, even for a novel-length story. Let me list off as many of the characters in this book that I can remember: the Doctor, Sam, Stacey, Ssard, Ritchie, Green Fingers, Lukas, Jolyon, Philippa, Madox, Mason, Dallion, Ethelredd, the Duchess, De’Ath (great name, by the way), Aigburth, the Wirrrn Queen, Carrington, Suki, Ms Sox, Kyle, the various Foamasi patriarchs, Torin Chalfont, Gar, Sumner… I’m sure that there are more who I’m forgetting about, but you can see the problem here, right? Almost all of the book’s major issues spin off from this, but firstly and most obviously, every single one of these people are uninteresting, underdeveloped, unmemorable and one-dimensional. I don’t think I could tell you a single personality trait of half of the people on that list. They just don’t have the time to be anything beyond simple caricatures, and not even funny or clever ones, which means that the entire book has to rely on quantity over quality and fails miserably. There are so many different factions at work here (DoctoSam, Carrington Corp, Space Security Service, Church of the Way Forward, various different Foamasi lodges, Wirrrn etc) that keeping track of who is working with and against who becomes basically impossible. I remember laughing out loud when the book killed off Gar and expected me to feel something about it because I honestly didn’t even remember who the character was or how he knew Sam.
• Structurally this book is an absolute mess. For the entire first third of the novel, literally nothing happens. A Foamasi being murdered so that the Doctor can infiltrate the SSS building is your inciting incident, not something that you pull out as a mid-story tension escalator. It is unbelievably poorly-paced as it spends most of the first half doing nothing except barraging you with character introductions, which it apparently expects you to remember. Not surprisingly, I kept having to flick back to their introductory pages to remind myself of who these people actually are. The ending of the book, meanwhile, feels extremely rushed, with the Wirrrn Queen being dispatched in about five seconds (the Doctor electrocutes her) and the rest of the Wirrrn just getting chased back to their homeworld. While I appreciated the pace finally being picked up somewhat, I still managed to feel cheated out of an ending for a book that I never even cared about in the first place.
• And then there’s the villains. I haven’t seen Leisure Hive because I have better things to do than watch bad Doctor Who stories (one of those things being reading bad Doctor Who books, apparently), but I’m sure that the Foamasi weren’t exactly a first choice for monsters to bring back. They’re not even villains, really - just a background presence that does barely anything to influence the plot. They have a mafia thing going on between the different lodges, and while I can see that making for a fun story in its own right, here it just feels pointless and distracts from the actual villains. I’m not massively into Ark in Space either, but the Wirrn/Wirrrn/Whateverrrn definitely had more potential as repeat villains than the Foamasi, and in all honesty they’re not too terrible here, I guess? There are occasional insights into the minds of people who have been taken over by the Wirrrn and while they work fine enough, they could have been done so much more effectively by a better writer. The real issue here is that having two monsters whose entire thing is taking over people’s bodies in the same book, gets really confusing and difficult to keep track of. I absolutely forgot who were real humans, who were taken over by Wirrrn and who were Foamasi pretending to be human, and it gets especially bad once you get to the point where Wirrrn are consuming Foamasi who are pretending to be humans. I’m getting a headache. (Apparently Russell originally wanted to do Macra vs Nimon. In all honesty, that actually would have been better.)
• Oh yeah, Stacey and Ssard were in here, weren’t they? Hilariously, they just vanish from the book after their failed wedding in chapter 4, never to be seen again. You can’t even say that this book is made for people who liked the Radio Times comic, because they barely even feature here. Kind of a shame, because I already thought that Ssard especially seemed like a pretty cool companion. Was their inclusion literally just to canonise the comics?
• I’ve held off for long enough - I have to talk about the creationism debate that happens halfway through the story. You read that right - Sam and some acolytes from the church decide to break the pace of the book entirely and engage in a creationism vs evolutionism debate that comes out of absolutely nowhere, adds nothing and just goes on and on and on. This entire thing should have been edited out. Actually, I struggle to see the point of the entire Church of the Way Forward as they, like the Foamasi, do very little to actually advance the plot and just hang around being creepy and weird. The entire section where Sam infiltrates the church is a total waste of time.
• There are few things more depressing than an unfunny comedy book. Russell’s writing style is very light and the whole thing feels like an attempt at comedy (in particular a satire on the Olympics and the royal family), but almost every single joke lands with a thud which makes the book even more tedious than it already was.
• They didn’t even use the best version of the cover. The prototype covers on the wiki look way better.

I think that about does it. I never have to think about this book again now. 1/10

“The Fallen Division.
Only the highest officers of the Terran military know about it. Fortunately, many quit upon coming to know about it. The force that the entire galaxy, even their own government, was getting worked up about was their own government?
Understandably, it troubled them. And the constant quitting would raise questions. So, sometimes, if they thought someone that quit would talk? The Fallen took care of them. A suicide for someone, perhaps turn blame of a murder to an enemy of that person or of the Terran Nations in general.
It wasn’t uncommon among those promoted high enough to need cover stories explaining why they quit. Of course this would raise some questions, some enemies, if this went public.
For example, why? What happened for this to be needed? Why were they always so emotionless about the atrocities this division committed? Every good soldier follows orders, but surely even the best question them? But these don’t falter, ever. Disturbingly mechanical yet so clearly alive. Even if their eyes always seem to be… Missing something. A soul, maybe. If you believe in that sort of thing. Perhaps it’s the lack of awareness of the emotions life once brought them. As if they didn’t recognize emotion or feeling at all. Not to mention that they don’t seem to even feel pain.
In this hearing, we will be discussing the galaxy’s new enemy. I am Militia General Aeryn Fisher with the former Terran Fleet Admiral, now your Commander, and my brother, Sam Fisher.”
The room had been silent, even before the General and Commander arrived. Everyone had heard what the hearing was about, and the tension had been as heavy as it was when the Fallen had been discovered. Complete silence reigned over the group as they waited for one of them to speak again.
They didn’t have to wait long, as the man on the right, now known as Commander Fisher, cleared his throat to grab their already hooked attention.
“Alright, so I figure most of you already knew that much about these Fallen. Yes? Good. Because this might get confusing.”
“As you hopefully guessed, this hearing is about the Fallen Division. And, as you already heard, I happen to have been high enough in rank to know about it, and to have had my hearings about them. As such, you could probably guess why I’m here.”
Commander took a moment, before a heavy sigh sounded from him. Anyone could tell he didn’t want to talk about this, though he knew he had to.
“The Fallen Division, as they’re now known, discovered something. Before they became what we know them as. They found something in the mind, something they claim is the reason the galaxy is irrational and war-hungry. According to them, they found a way to remove it, and, as extension, removed pain and their humanity.”
“Remember that when you fight them. They are not alive, and they will not stop until they are well and truly dead.”
“More importantly, they failed. You see, they didn’t remove it. The will they claim is their own is proof of this. They’ll tell you that yours is not your own, that we’re puppets to the force that they strive to kill. But you should not heed what they say.”
“They only amplified this “Darkness”, as they call it. Their own studies show that this force is what drives war and destruction, that harbors a hate for all life. In their attempts to destroy it, they’ve destroyed themselves and have given that life-eating disgust their bodies. You will not be hunting your fellow man or being, but a shadow of sapience out to slaughter the galaxy.”
“Do not hesitate to pull that trigger, or to obliterate their ships. Do not take any prisoners, for they won’t either. Surrender is not an option, they will not accept it and they will not offer it. Kill on sight.”
He casts his glare over the crowd, before the brothers exchange nods and he leaves. General Aeryn steps up, knowing they will undoubtedly have things to ask.
“Any questions?”
--------------------------
"Once you realize, life is disgraceful
It becomes easier to play the unfaithful
Disdain and pain cloud their minds,
Rage and stage bring back the binds
Call us mad, we’re simply free
From the righteousness of powers that be.
One day, you’ll die
So that they may learn
That you can’t deny
That which is unconcerned.
Writhing within your unstable minds,
An infection that devours sides
Once you realize, you don’t need pain
It becomes much easier, to contain."
-Fallen Division mantra
------------
Woo! It's such a fun setting, but I just can't write right now. No idea where I'd bring it past this, to be fair. I think I meant these as more for world building for a wider setting and short stories set within it, but I can't remember. Feel free to use, if you're interested in continuing it yourself.
Part 2

A historic hotel that my company owned is doing a murder mystery tonight. I have some family connections to the staff there, so I made some calls and got onto the cast as the victim!
It’s been a pretty shit year all around, but I’ve been looking forward to this for WEEKS! And it’s tonight! In about half an hour.
I have a low-tech squib. I get to do a full force fall to the ground after ‘making a big scene of being shot’.
I know no one cares, but this is going to be awesome!

•1•
Wings worked against wind, as the squad continued their aerial sprint.
In spite of their best efforts, they couldn't close the distance soon enough. They were still much too far from the city to gain any new insight into the attack--too far away to do anything, too far away to even know much of anything.
High Knight Von and Sergeant One-Wing led their respective squads onward, roaring through the air over the high grasses. Locust Spire was just on the edge of the horizon now. Within view, but still out of reach. Already, Von could feel that something was very wrong in the great Jikkellian settlement. Nagging dread in the pit of her gut gnawed at her as she drove forward. For a while, the wind carried with it the smell of smoke and ash. However, now those scents had dissipated, almost as if the wind had suddenly changed directions. The orange-red glow of flame had settled over the city like a corona, when the grand Spire of jade jutting up from the city's skyline first became visible. Now, the glow had softened to the point it may have no longer have been there at all.
And the Spire itself--the city's namesake, and jewel of Jikkellia--did not seem quite right. Von couldn't quite say why, but it seemed somehow... different; wrong; changed in some way.
What was going on? Was this what Lord Vellnoth was trying to tell them?
Come to think of it... what HAD Lord Vellnoth told them? Aside from ordering them to release the Amphibian and the suspected terrorist, there really hadn't been much information relayed, had there?
Von found it strange. She could hardly recall what the Gardener In Green had said, at all. She would've assumed something as life altering as speaking directly to the God of all Jikk would have left a greater impression on her. She'd assumed it would have inspired her mind, rekindled her soul. As it was, the event had hardly done more than leave her confused, feeling like a lost hatchling who'd just been introduced to something they didn't understand; some concept or experience they needed an adult to explain.
Her mind quickly turned from looking inward, to gazing out at the grasses stretched before her. Just ahead. There was movement.
Von glanced over to her right at One-Wing, but the frown on his face told her he'd already noticed the same thing she had.
High Knight Von drew her sword. Like clockwork, every Knight and Spire Watch behind her followed suit, drawing their own weapons. One-Wing was the last to unsheath his blade. He'd only just readied it when the sound and heatwave of an explosion broke out behind them.
The entire rear flank was taken out in a single strike. The remains of those soldiers caught in the blast were sent hurtling to the ground like small blackened meteorites.
"Post-Six!" Von called out.
The soldiers followed their orders--and their training--falling into a new, defensive position. Or, at least, they began to take up the Post-Six formation. They were interrupted partway through by a second explosion.
Where the fuck were the blasts coming from?
More body parts and scorched remains rained down to the landscape below.
"Ground!" One-Wing bellowed.
What was left of their rapidly thinning squad dropped altitude, coming down for a quick landing.
Von frantically scanned the surrounding grasses as she came to a landing with the others. She saw no one. There was no cover, and it was midday. There wasn't anywhere to hide, yet she still didn't see a single soul.
"No one move," said a commanding voice behind her.
Every head swiveled around, to face the assailant.
Von saw one, then three, then six seperate figures appear behind the soldiers. From the corners of her vision, more appeared. She could hear others, by the sound of their bootfalls and the clanking of their armor.
High Knight Von and her entire squad were completely surrounded.
The figures were Nerthran; mothmen of the Jagged Fields Kingdom. A lot of them. Von counted at least fifty, if not more. Ordinarily, Nerthran wore silver robes of fine silk, as part of their customs. These particular mothmen were wearing their robes, but had opted to don silver chainmail overtop the garments--or, in some cases, even steel plate. They wielded exotic-looking weapons. Crecent-shaped waraxes and ornate katanas; elaborately crafted claymores and thrusting blades shaped like wedges of pie. Even their more familiar arms--their longswords, daggers, and polearms--had been crafted in a way that would have intrigued even the greatest Jikkelian blacksmiths. Yet, of all the weaponry these mothfolk wielded, none stood out more than that of the one who'd stepped forward to call out.
The mothman called out a second time, shouting a single word: "Hold!" He held his unique weapon in both hands, gripping it at the center. It was a cold black color; as cold and black as a Lich's heart. It was as long as the mothman was tall. He held it at a tilt so that it crossed his body diagonally, like a large dark strike-through on a warning symbol. It was shaped like a staff. At both ends, it split off into two prongs like a serpent's tongue.
Now, Von began taking notice of the emblems on the breastplates, gauntlets, and bracers of the foes before her. They showed a symbol; a streak of silver running through a pair of moth wings, crossed by two blades. Her mind searched for meaning. After a moment, recognition finally set in.
Stonewing Pillar Mercenary Band.
They were ruthless criminals and sellswords, well-known in Jagged Fields but infamous even in Jikkellia. She'd never dealt with them personally, but she'd learned about them while undergoing the political and diplomacy training required to reach the rank of High Knight.
Bad news. That's what they were.
Von raised her sword. "You're interfering in official business!" This hardly encapsulated the scope of their crime (especially after launching a direct attack) but it was all she could think to say in the moment.
The mothman smiled. "Actually, you're all about to assist us with our business."
One-Wing scoffed at this. "What makes you think we'd do that?"
His smile broadened. "What makes you think you have a choice?"
•2•
They had a single goal now: reach the statue before the worms reached the surface...
Quijj took the lead. Councilor Lemma informed him she had wings of her own and therefore did not require his assistance when it came to flight (and also that if he continued treating her like a stack of lumber he needed to carry around, she was going to smack him silly). Quijj did not argue. The Councilor flew right behind him. And right behind her--bringing up the rear--was Flower-Seed. It was not a position he was particularly fond of--what with the worms on the loose and all--but he certainly wouldn't have wanted to be in front, either. Last wasn't as good as being in the middle, but of course, Flower-Seed was a gentlemen and Lemma was one of the city's honored leaders. So, back of the pack it was for ol' Flower-Seed.
They rushed up through the narrow hole in the cavern tunnel with a furious speed that would have made even a hive of Hellflies envious. The tunnel ended at an old well that had fallen into disrepair. In actuality, it had never really been used as a well to begin with. The 'fallen into disrepair' part--as the Councilor had explained--was just a story the Jikk of the city had always told one another. It was the sort of story that had been told so many times, for so many years, no one really questioned it or gave it a second thought. The truth of it was the Council of Three in Days Now Gone had decided to build a false well to cover the hidden entrance to the old city. It was sort of an emergency entrance, should one ever be needed.
If only those Jikk of the distant past had known their secret tunnel would not be used as an emergency entrance, but rather, an emergency exit. If they had known this, then perhaps Quijj, Flower-Seed, and Councilor Lemma could have avoided the problem they currently faced; *the fact that those same long-dead Jikk of yesteryear had elected to board up the false well so as to keep any hapless citizens or curious younglings from inadvertently stumbling upon their secret drop shaft to the old ruins.
Quijj had grunted something about this not being an issue when the Councilor broke the news of this "minor problem." Flower-Seed was fairly certain the old tavern keeper would have grunted the same grunt of reassurance, no matter what the Councilor had said. Quijj was painting himself more and more as the kind of Jikk who would take a sledgehammer to a door, if his key didn't fit. Grunting all the while.
When they reached the end of the shaft, Flower-Seed already knew what would come next. His hunch was confirmed when Quijj cautioned them to cover their ears. Flower-Seed now saw what would follow quite clearly in his mind. And how had he not seen this coming? Of course the crazy old bastard was going to blast his way out. Because of course he was.
Quijj was a valuable ally to have at a time like this, but once the smoke cleared, Flower-Seed hoped he would never again find himself in any dire situations with Quijj again, anytime soon.
Or ever again, if it could be helped.
When this was all over, if he made it out alive, Flower-Seed decided he was going to curl up on a nice warm cot by a hearth someplace, and sleep for about four straight Sun Cycles. Maybe even five. Six, while he was at it. Why not? He would certainly have earned it, if he managed to survive all of this chaos and bedlam.
There was a brilliant flash of white and orange; a roaring, echoing BOOOOM which ripped through the entire shaft. A loud crashing, splintering sound rose from above. Heat and a gust of hot air hit Flower-Seed in the face.
Then, they were shooting straight up into the air, no longer inside the shaft. The midday sky was above them again, fresh air in their lungs and the city stretched out all around them. The three of them came to a landing on a patch of scraggly blue kaynarr grass. The scattered stone and wood shrapnel that had once pretended to be a well lay scattered about, near the place where they'd made their exit. All that was left of the false well was a dark round hole and a broken ring of stone no higher than Flower-Seed's shin. There were black iron gates closing in a section of scrubby looking Debbler trees. The backs of several houses ran along the gate on one side. On the opposite side, a large warehouse loomed over the trio of . They were standing in a fenced-in raindrop shaped lot that had clearly been set aside for the sole purpose of secluding the well. The droplet shape of the lot came to a soft point between two houses, where a narrow gap had been left. The three of them wordlessly made for the opening.
The Councilor took the lead now. As soon as they'd made it to the other side of the row of houses, she took to wing. Quijj and Flower-Seed did likewise. They flew over the streets and walkways of a rundown residential neighborhood. Flower-Seed saw only a small handful of citizens. They were huddled together in small groups, hugging one another or saying silent prayers.
"What did I miss?" Councilor Lemma asked, looking around. "Is the attack over? And... where in Vellnoth's Name did all these vines come from?"
Flower-Seed tried to answer, but couldn't. He wasn't sure he had an answer. His vision had told him of the threats below ground, but hadn't filled him in on everything above the surface. What he and Quijj had witnessed with the Drill Flies seemed too miraculous to retell.
Quijj grunted. "A savior."
"A savior?" Lemma asked uncertainly.
Flower-Seed nodded. They were flying side by side now. "Yeah." He smiled to himself. It felt good to smile. Even after all the devastation and death, the fact that there had been a savior...
He didn't have the words for it.
They cut across the city, reaching the Cobbler's District in what felt like seconds.
"There's the statue," said the Councilor.
They landed just before the carved jade depiction of the Jikk hero of legend: Kylo the Great. This statue was identical to the one that had been in Lo Syy Tett, in Proeliator Plaza. There was another in front of the City of the Wandering Moon, as well as a fourth statue in Irogon Nath. Or, at least that's what Flower-Seed had been taught as a youngling at the Learning Hall. Kylo the Great had been one of the founders of Lo Syy Tett and Locust Spire. A true hero of all Jikkellia. Or so it was said.
Councilor Lemma hurried over to the back of the statue. There was a crevice just large enough for her hand. She stuck the Y of her fingers into the opening. Her face took on a look of deep concentration. After a moment, a panel was revealed in the base of the statue. There were gears, dials, and a single lever.
"Who would have thought," Flower-Seed mused.
The Councilor got to work. She began turning the gears and dials. Her hands became a blur for a moment as she input the secret sequence. Finally, she pulled the lever. Beneath the statue, there was a sound like gravel spilling from a wheelbarrow. Then, there was only silence for a moment.
Slowly, the statue began to rise several inches from the ground. When it stopped, the panel snapped back into place.
"It's done," said the Counilor, breathing a sigh of relief. "I just hope we weren't too late." There was a sadness in her eyes however.
Flower-Seed offered a sympathetic expression. "A bit overwhelming isn't it?"
Lemma waved a dismissive hand. "No, it's just... the Advisors. I just hope they made it out."
"There was no choice," Quijj said firmly.
"Yeah," Flower-Seed agreed. "We had to seal it off. Otherwise, who knows how fast those things might've spread."
The Councilor nodded. "I know. I know. Still... E'Shesh. She tried to protect me. When they were going to place me under arrest. She stood in front of the knights."
They all fell silent.
After a few moments, the three of them began to glance around at one another. A knowing look crept across all three of their faces. In unison, Councilor Lemma, Quijj, and Flower-Seed all whispered: "The Jailer."
Quijj nodded, giving one of his usual grunts. "Uhh huh." His expression had darkened. The look in his eyes was downright frigid.
Flower-Seed shook his head. "I don't know why, but ever since we were down in the ruins... it's been as if a curtain was lifted, from inside my mind."
Councilor Lemma nodded. "I know exactly what you mean. A part of me was fully aware of The Jailer and his deeds in Lo Syy Tett. Yet... it was almost like... I wouldn't quite call it a trance--I wasn't under any spell, or hypnosis, at least not as best as I can tell--but rather... it's as if I held a kind of complacency toward everything. I can see now how truly horrendous that Jikk is. Him, and what he's been doing. But... he must have had some way of making all of us intentionally ignore the problem."
"Mind Mother," said Quijj. "That'd do it."
Flower-Seed eyed the tavern keeper. "Mind Mother? Are those things even real?"
"Oh, they're quite real," said Lemma. "And if that's the case, it would actually explain a lot. From what little I understand of them, those creatures secrete a psychic enzyme that lulls the minds of those around it. The longer it occupies an area--so long as it's well-fed and undisturbed--the wider its field of influence. The Jailer must have somehow compelled a Mind Mother to do his bidding, and influence the minds of Jikkellians in a way that would further his terrible cause."
Flower-Seed considered this. "But if we're about to realize we were being influenced now... does that mean this Mind Mother is dead?"
"Tough to say," said Quijj.
"Indeed," said Lemma.
Quijj grunted in what might have been alarm, or perhaps frustration. He was gazing up at the sky.
"What is it?" Flower-Seed asked. But he already knew. He saw it too now. "What is that?"
His mind was overtaken with yet another vision. He saw the entrance to the underground ruins, as it was being sealed off. Just before the large stone slab blocked the passageway leading down into the City Before The City, five Jikk leapt through the rapidly shrinkly gap and onto the street. Breathless, they collapsed to the stonework.
A fraction of a second later, something else followed in their wake. It did not land, nor did it collapse onto the street as the Jikk had. Instead, it shot upwards into the air. The stone slab closed what remained of the opening.
But it was already too late.
One of the Jikk lying in the street began to scream. Flower-Seed saw that Temporary Councilor E'Shesh had indeed made it out of the ruins before the entrance closed. She was lying on her back, looking up at the sky with a look of pure terror plastered across her face.
The thing that emerged from the opening ignored the Jikk, however. It continued to climb through the air, until it was high above the vine-covered rooftops and city streets below. It rose higher still, before slowing. It hung there in the sky for several seconds, before rocketing away. It was headed toward a confrontation. Flower-Seed could not quite discern the nature of this confrontation, only that it would decide the fates of a great many.
And somehow, the outsiders were involved. Specifically, the outsider who had served as Locust Spire's unexpected savior.
Flower-Seed only caught a brief glimpse of the thing in his mind's eye, but that had been enough to fill him with a deep, almost existential feeling of dread.
The worms. They had fused together to form a single being. High Knight Pyx's plate armor. The thing was using it.
A giant parasitic worm-thing in platemail. It was coming for the outsider. And there was no stopping it...
The vision broke away. Flower-Seed found himself on his knees with dark green blood dripping from his eyes and mouth. The vision had been too much for him. Whatever had altered his curse--whatever force, whether it be supernatural, or simply the blow he'd taken to the head at the front gates--it had amplified it to a magnitude Flower-Seed could not handle. The previous vision had nearly caused him to black out. This one had almost ruptured his brain. He wasn't sure how many more of these "visions" he could take. The next one might very well kill him.
He slapped his palms down on the sidewalk, gasping for air.
"Are you alright?" Councilor Lemma asked.
Flower-Seed shook his head.
"What is it?" Quijj asked with much urgency. "Vision again? Did you see a mothman?"
Flower-Seed shook his head again, then promptly coughed up a thick glob of blood onto the stonework. He tried to stand, but his legs were much too weak.
Quijj hurried over and hooked an arm around Flower-Seed, helping him up. "Easy now," he whispered.
"Worms," Flower-Seed said, almost choking on the word. "Worm man. Man made of worms. Headed for the outsider." He took a deep breath, and that seemed to help. Not much, but a little.
Quijj eased him into a sitting position, before releasing him. He drew his strange weapon, examining it a moment before turning to the Councilor. "Can you tend to him?"
"Where do you think you're going?" she said in a tone of reproach. Her hands were on her hips. She gave the tavern keeper a look that reminded Flower-Seed of the way his mother used to look at him as a youngling, on evenings when he'd been out causing trouble with his friends.
"To stop it," Quijj said matter-of-factly. He turned back toward the sky, using his weapon to point at a dark, fast moving dot in the distance. The worm-thing. It was traveling at a tremendous rate of speed, trailing away from the city.
"Alright. In that case, I'm coming with you," said the Councilor.
Quijj grunted in disapproval.
"Don't give me that. I'm the High Councilor, afterall. I have a sworn duty."
"I'm coming too," Flower-Seed said, struggling to his feet.
"You can't," Lemma said. "You aren't well."
"I'll be fine. C'mon. Besides... you can't just leave me here on the sidewalk by myself."
Quijj eyed them both a moment, before slowly nodding. "Fine. Just keep behind me."
"Don't tell me what to do," said the Councilor smiling warmly. "I swore to serve and protect my city. That includes every last citizen."
"Humff," Quijj grunted.
Lemma regarded Flower-Seed with some concern. "Can you fly?"
"I think so."
"Alright. Then let's be off."
Quijj nodded, grunting again for what may have been the hundredth time.
•3•
The changes still hadn't fully set in.
He scarsely resembled his former self. His body was similar to that of a Jikk's, but his wings were like those of a giant moth. And his body, his wings, his entire form was entirely comprised of vines and sunflowers.
Doka was still getting accustomed to his new form. He was still getting accustomed to a lot of things. Ever since the outsiders first arrived in Lo Syy Tett, Doka had gone through a transformation even his new body could not fully represent. Which was saying quite a lot, considering his new form was the direct physical manifestation of the personal and metaphysical journey he'd undergone. He had died for Gods' sake!
He had died.
He'd died, but there had been no White Staircase. He hadn't seen the face of his creator. He'd seen only darkness, before his soul took up residency inside the Moon Moth.
So much of what he'd believed his entire life had been a lie. It made him wonder what else might also be a lie. What even was the truth? Did such a thing exist?
He had DIED!
His mind kept shouting the words over and over like a chant, as if reminding him of this fact might spark some greater intuition, or reveal some hidden meaning. It did not. The reminder only compounded his confusion with a whole lot of noise echoing inside his own head.
He had died.
This was a fact he was still grappling with, even now. Really, it had only been his body that had died. His spirit, soul, and mind had remained. He was now in a kind of life after afterlife. It was beyond strange, in a way that caused his brain to ache if he thought about it too long.
What a journey it had been since the duel with the Frog.
Doka had been granted revelation and realization, one after the other, in a constant barrage of perspective-shifting events. He'd been shaken to his very core--changed in the most fundamental sense of the word. He'd become someone completely different. Yet, at the heart of it all, he was still him. He was still Doka. Just a far more enlightened, less xenophobic and ignorant Doka.
However, this enlightenment also allowed him to see the problem; a problem that had not yet come up, but would have to be addressed sooner, rather than later.
The problem was, he'd been granted revelation and realization, without any real reflection. He'd been transformed, but hadn't yet had even a single spare moment to contemplate the meaning of it all. He was experiencing the effects, without fully understanding the causes. He'd been changed without stopping to consider the ramifications of so much change, on so many fundamental levels.
These things troubled him, but they were Deep Troubles of the Long Term. There were other, more urgent troubles to deal with in the meantime.
Doka and the soft shell soared over the open grasses; a flower-moth-grasshopper-hybrid and a curtain of shimmering blue. Doka looked down at the sheet of water below him. David was stretched out like one great flat square, casting no shadow as he passed over the land.
"What's wrong, bud?" asked the soft shell, taking notice of Doka's gaze. "You alright?"
Doka stilled his thoughts. "I want you to listen to me, Soft Shell. There's going to be trouble up ahead."
"Uh, yeah. I know. That's why we're coming to the rescue, remember? Don't tell me you're getting nervous?"
It was still a bit strange to hear the human's familiar voice coming from the shimmering polygon of liquid. Of course, the two of them had encountered far stranger things than this, on their journey. Particularly in the Sands. Doka had an idea that if not for some doing on the part of the cloaked figure, both his and the soft shell's minds would have been permanently shattered by the experience.
Doka said, "I don't mean once we reach the woods. There is an ambush waiting for us, well before then. A group of mercenaries."
The human was silent a moment. "I can't detect anything like that. Are you sure?"
"Aye. I'm certain of it. They're concealing themselves from your Energies ability to discern their plot. I am able to see it because of my connection with things that lie beyond the mortal world."
"Alright, well... we'll just have to take them out quickly, so we can hurry up and save Artie and the others."
"No," Doka said firmly. "I want you to continue on without me."
"What? But why? It doesn't make any sense to split up. We'll be able to deal with them faster if there are two of us."
Doka shook his head. "You don't understand. They are the ones who attacked Locust Spire. This is personal for me. You can't be stalled in reaching the woods. Your mission is far too important."
"Is that their big plan? To keep me fighting them, just to delay us getting to Artie?"
"That isn't their intention, but that will be the result of their actions, regardless. They have another reason for wanting to defeat you and I."
"Okay? Well don't leave me hangin. What's the reason?"
"Retaliation for stopping their attack on Locust Spire, for one. These mercenaries will try and destroy anyone who stands in the way of their goals. They wish to sew chaos and confusion. Anarchy. They don't want us undoing any more of what they have done, or what they plan to do. I can sense a dark plot. They're working with agents of Pharoah Dowlmad."
"I don't know that name, but I get some pretty fuckin' evil views from it, for sure."
"That would be an accurate assessment. The leader of these mercenaries wishes to leave the valley. There is something beyond the God Shelves he seeks, which will grant him unyielding power. Even I cannot discern his full intentions, but these are the things I have been able to determine."
"I see. Well, I still don't understand why you have to try and solo these guys. Let me help you knock 'em around. We can--"
"No," Doka said firmly. "This really is something I must do on my own. Please try and respect my wishes."
Doka could almost feel the human's mind turning, formulating further protest. Then, it was as if the soft shell finally came to a conclusion. Perhaps, he finally understood that this meant something to Doka--that this was important; a meaningful step on the path to redemption.
At last, the soft shell relented. "Alright, alright. Fine. But if you get into any trouble... if it's more than you can handle, or you--"
"I know how I call out to you," Doka said.
The human sighed. "Okay. Then I guess we'll split up. Um... where exactly is this ambush happening, anyhow?"
"Start traveling northward. Your mind will tell you when to correct your course again. That won't delay your arrival any. You would have had to travel North for a ways,, once you reached the woods. You're just doing it a bit sooner than necessary."
"Alright. Will do. Just... be careful, Doka. Okay? Seriously."
"And you as well, soft shell," Doka said. "Gods willing, I will see you again soon."
•4•
Deskant was well-versed in the power names held in the In-Between. This was why he'd worked so hard to become a Named Enforcer of the Stonewing Pillar Mercenary Band, on top of his other titles and stations. Most of the mercs in evidence were only foot soldiers, or Prospects. Leader Rave hadn't wanted all of his best warriors away from Home Base, afterall. The Stonewings were far greater in number and power than they'd ever let on to nonmembers. In their line of work, it was always best to hide your hand. You didn't want your rivals (or even your allies) knowing your full capabilities. Which was exactly why Deskant was joined on his current mission by the lower ranking members and memers-in-training, mostly. However, this was not the case with all of the mercs here in the open grasses. There was Angus the Arsonist, Vizloth the Philter, Gondin the Foul Ozmon the Worm-Wielder, Ujak the Unhinged.
Then, of course, there was him. Deskant the Demolisher. This was a moniker he had earned after many years climbing and clawing his way up the ranks of the band. He now filled the role of Chief Communicator, as well as being Rave's Right Hand when they were away from Home Base (even if that title actually belonged to Xider, whenever Xider wasn't around--like now--Deskant was the one who stepped up).
Rave had dubbed him the Demolisher because that was exactly what he did. He demolished things; people, places, anything and everything in his path.
"Just cooperate and everything will be fine," Deskant said.
The she-Jikk in the plate armor only glared at him.
"Yeah, I don't like those worms either, but they're effective." He waved his hand toward the infected Jikk soldiers. "We'll remove the parasites and we won't release anymore on your city, so long as you keep doing exactly as we say."
Ozmon the Worm-Wielder stepped forward, clutching his strange club--a dark, polished thing which which looked more like two long, slender serpents twisted around a stick than an actual club--and nodded. "All be righted, once we've finished here."
The she-Jikk said, "We shouldn't be negotiating with the likes of you."
Deskant laughed. "Good thing this isn't a negotiation. It's a hostage situation. If you hadn't noticed." His eyes scanned the row of infected Jikk. Half their number were currently inhabited by parasites. The other half were standing behind the she-Jikk and the one who'd identified himself as their Sergeant. "Now, remember... when you see the outsider, you flag him down. That's all you have to do. Leave the rest to us."
"Uh, 'Skant?" Angus said uncertainly.
"Yeah? What is it?"
"They're almost here. I can smell 'em."
Deskant smiled again. This was just too easy. "Alright. Everyone out of sight. Time to do what we do best, fellas."
There was a collective cheer from the other mercs. The lot of them moved into position.
•5•
Zruu--Tri-Hook leader and newly appointed Chief of the Clawhook Bandits in the wake of Chief Xovvo's murder--felt the entire world shift with such remarkable suddenness, that for a moment, he was certain he'd lost his grip on reality. One moment, Zruu had been seated in the bridge of the Black Pyramid beside his fellow Tri-Hook members, Coldcradle and Fann. The next thing the new Bandit Chief knew, he was plopping down hard on his ass in a field of knee-high emerald green grass. He'd been watching a formation of Gliders appear through the viewing window of the bridge. Sky Pirates, he had no doubt. He'd been mentally scrambling for a course of action. His mind had of course first turned to the Pyramid's weapons system. However, just as he was about to suggest this to Coldcradle and Fann, all of a sudden, it was as if his chair had been pulled out from under him--and everything else around him ripped away, right along with it.
"What the FUCK?" Coldcradle bellowed.
Zruu saw his two companions in the grass, just a few short meters away. Fann was there beside Coldcradle, looking furious but saying nothing.
Zruu's eyes burned with rage. "My thoughts exactly." He looked up to the sky. The Pirates. They were up there in the Glider Pods. There were also small Gyff craft as well. Collectively, there were four dozen of the bastards. The Sky Pirates made up three seperate V patterns, while the Walking Stick Men flew in a straight row side-by-side. Together, they made what looked like three arrows and line segment. And there, in the patch of sky between them, was the place where the Black Pyramid had been. The place where Zruu himself had been, on the bridge of the Pyramid.
But the Pyramid was gone. And now, Zruu was down here on the ground.
It made no fucking sense.
"Uh, Chief?" Coldcradle said warily.
Zruu took his eyes away from the sky and leveled his gaze at the other Bandit. "What?"
Coldcradle pointed at something lying in the grass a few feet to his left.
Zruu cocked his head to one side. Then, he was back up on his feet in an instant. "Is that who I think it is?"
But he already knew it was. There, motionless on the ground, was the Vakk Onillcoth had sent as honorary reinforcement. Lequell's body was covered in so much blood, it barely looked like a body. Really, it looked more like a slab of meat glazed in strawberry jam. Zruu had never seen tickman blood before. He was mildly surprised to know it wasn't green, or yellow like many Insectoids. It was a deep maroon, much like his own blood.
Lequell's head was cleaner than the rest of him. Probably because his head had been separated from his body. It was sitting face up a few paces from his bloodied corpse. His lifeless eyes stared up at the sun. They'd gone a dull gray color, instead of their usual black.
Zruu had seen more dead bodies than he could ever recount. Seeing one more now meant about as much as any of the others had. He felt nothing for the Vakk he'd barely known. If anything, he considered him weak for dying so easily. And so soon before their mission was complete.
Zruu raised his boot and punted Lequell's head through the air. It shot up at an arc, before disappearing in the high grass. He turned to the other Bandits. *"What the fuck do we do now? How the fuck did we lose the fucking Pyramid?"
He kicked Lequell's body hard enough to splatter some of the blood, painting several blade of grass burgundy.
"Ziilkdamnit! Now I've got blood on my boot." He turned his foot sideways and attempted to rub the drying fluids off onto the dirt. This mostly worked, but there remained a streak of the stuff he couldn't quite wipe away. "Ziilkdamnit," he cursed again.
"Was it the Pirates?" Coldcradle asked.
Zruu glanced up at the sky. The Pirates had broken their formations and were now flying in a disorganized swarm. They were headed east. They didn't seem to have any interest in the three Bandits down on the ground far below them, from what Zruu could tell. "My gut says no. I think those Sky Pirates and Gyff are just as confused as we are. I have no fucking clue what just happened, but I can tell you one thing... we're gonna get Chief Xovvo's Pyramid back. I don't give a shit what it takes. If it costs all three of us our lives. We're gonna get that damned thing back."
"A Pharoah had to be involved," Coldcradle said. "They're the only ones who could pull something like this off."
Fann nodded his agreement. "That bitch Camaria, most likely."
"I don't give a shit," Zruu said. "Pharoah or no Pharoah. We're getting it back." He locked eyes with Coldcradle, then with Fann, before looking off toward the horizon. "But first... we're gonna keep heading where we were headed. We're gonna deal with the she-ant before we do anything else. We don't have the Pyramid now, but we won't need it. I'll kill her with my bare hands if I have to."
Coldcradle said, "Then let's get to it. Let's hunt that bitch down. For the Chief."
Zruu and Fann voiced a howl of agreement. "For Chief Xovvo!" they said together.
The three members of the Tri-Hook took to wing. The only thing on any of their minds was murder...
•6
"What's the matter?" Flower-Seed asked. His tone was that of someone trying to hide the fact they were in a great deal of pain.
Councilor Lemma studied his face closely. The two of them were flying side-by-side over the city, with Quijj just up ahead. The elderly tavern keeper insisted on taking the lead, it seemed. It was just as well. Lemma had wanted to stay back with Flower-Seed to make sure he was alright. He definitely wasn't alright, but wouldn't admit it.
As much as Flower-Seed's condition concerned her, it was the scene down below--down on the city streets--that concerned Lemma the most. She turned back to the group of younglings she'd spotted.
She and Flower-Seed had a bird's eye view of what remained of Elgganath Parkway in the eastern part of Locust Spire. Just as they'd flown past one of the only large structures that hadn't been reduced to rubble here, they'd caught Lemma's eye almost immediately. There were close to three dozen in all. Younglings no older than adolescents. Some of them were sitting on the sidewalk with their heads between their legs. Some of them were embracing one another. Many of them were simply standing in place, looking up and down the street as if they had no idea what to do, or where to go. Several of them were huddled together, speaking in frightened voices.
Lemma slowed her acceleration to a crawl. Seeing this, after a moment, Flower-Seed did the same.
Quijj craned his neck to look back at them. "You alright?"
Lemma nodded. "Yes." And after a moment's contemplation, she added: "You can go on without me."
Flower-Seed opened his mouth to say something. Then he saw the younglings. He looked from the group below, then back to Lemma. Understanding dawned on his face. He slowly nodded. "Go on without me, as well." After taking a brief moment just as Lemma had, he said (somewhat hesitantly), "If you can manage on your own, that is."
Quijj nodded in response, giving them a grunt of aye, before flying onward.
Lemma and Flower-Seed hung there in the air, and watched Quijj disappear behind a row of vine-covered warehouses. Lemma sighed, turning to Flower-Seed. "The city just suffered a horrible tragedy. They need their leader."
Flower-Seed nodded. "I know."
"Especially the youth. They look completely lost. Without hope. The fire and the explosions are over, but now they need guidance to know how to pick up the pieces."
"I know," Flower-Seed repeated, punctuating the words with a gentle smile. "Well... what do ya say we get down there? See how many we can reunite with their parents."
Lemma returned his smile. "I just hope most of their parents are still alive."
Flower-Seed looked away. "Yeah." He shook his head. "Gods. What a harsh world this is."
"It is. But as long as I'm around, there will always be hope left. That's what they need to see. The Jikk of this city. They need to see the light of hope still shines upon them. Even in darkness. There is always hope."
•7•
Doka could sense the terrible power radiating off the figures just ahead. There was a Fragment User in their midst. As well as multiple masters of the Old Arts and Dark Channels.
And there was something even greater. He could feel it, like a vibration inside his brain.
As he drew closer, he saw the Jikk he was supposed to see, and the mothmen he wasn't. One of the mercs was utilizing a Cyphering technique to hide their presence. Doka could only see them through his connection with the Realms beyond life, beyond mortals.
Doka flew faster, closer, closing in on them.
One of the Jikk--a she-Jikk High Knight named Von, Doka saw--held up her arms and began waving at him. She was trying to flag him down. Doka had no doubt, this was what she'd been instructed to do. The Jikk weren't apart of this. They were only pawns, used by the mercs.
Doka dove down, came to a landing.
In his new form, he could speak to more than just the soft shell. He called out to the High Knight. "It's alright. I know you've done all you could."
The High Knight and the other Jikk stared back at him, stonefaced. Doka could see beneath their expressionless faces; could see through them. He could feel their desperation, their shame.
That was when the mercs sprang their trap...