in me and my friends campaign (dnd 3.5e), we've just come into the possession of 2.5 million gold pieces, and im wondering what would be some fun ludicrously expensive magic items to take a look at. Party is level 12, classes are: Rogue (me), Crusader, Psychic warrior, Archivist and Artificer.
Anything and everything is a good suggestion

In keeping with my habit of making long posts (Harry Potter, Generic Cartoon World) I wanted to take a beat to discuss a surprisingly potent set of magical disciplines: the ones in the Generic A Song Of Ice & Fire Fanfic Jump.
In-universe, the magic of the world of "Planetos" has atrophied by the time the books and the show take place (and assuming the fanfic you use in-jump is more or less based on the Planetos of the show & the book, at the beginning of the show/book, your jumper may well notice this). This is said, by some, to be linked to the presumed extinction of the dragons, and in-universe, magic levels begin to increase again shortly after the birth of the Dany's dragons.
The history of Planetos (which, as far as I can, is just the fandom name of the setting) is filled with magical traditions. Over the course of the show and the books we get to see some of these magical traditions, from the products of alchemy (wildfire), the R'Hollorist school of magic (one of Melissandre's schools of magic, along with shadowbinding), the school of magic used by the faceless men, the magic employed by the three-eyed raven, and the ice magic used by the white walkers. Other magical traditions don't get as much screentime (at least in the show, it's possible they'll appear more in the remaining books).

Mage (Magic Booster)

If this is your first magic system, which is a bold choice, I recommend you snag this perk. This is a perk booster for all of the systems of magic you can purchase in this jump, and tremendously speeds the rate at which you will gain mastery over the magic styles you see in Westeros, Essos, and elsewhere in Planetos. One of the most useful traits of this perk, which persists across all jumps, is that this gives you a pool of magical energy (which is VERY helpful for ASOIAF magic, and is also handy for other schools of magic, as it is universal) that can be used in place of things like magical components or even incantations (though at an increased cost in terms of how much energy each spell uses, so it will often be preferable to do the spells as intended). It's also a potential booster for magic, broadly, and lets you learn mutually exclusive schools of magic. This is just a really good perk for any and all magic stuff.

Faceless

The school of magic employed by the assassins of the House of Black & White. This mysterious school of magic is fantastic for rogues and assassins. It revolves around the means through which the Faceless Men take and use faces. Mastery, through "Mage" or otherwise, gives jumpers greater and more flexible means of stealing and preserving faces. True mastery gives jumpers the power to shapeshift and imitate people even without stealing someone's face! Basically, at a high enough level of skill you lose the restriction that you need to take a face to shapeshift into someone else.
Synergies:
This school of magic blends well with the illusionary school of magic, Glamouring, and also with Blood Magic. Shapeshifting and the power to forcibly control people, or shapeshifting and illusion magic always blend well together. If you take the special Harry Potter magic perk (or become a mind-magic user some other way, such as from Generic HP fanfic jump) and use legilimency with Faceless, you can easily steal someone's memories and become a perfect copy of them. It's a nasty combination, especially if you want to sow confusion and discord, without directly assassinating someone.

Glamouring

Illusion magic! This is just illusion magic. Which is always solid. The boosted version of this makes you an excellently powerful illusionist, with the ability to make solid, and at true mastery, actually existent illusions. The boosted version also makes you an illusion-breaker.
Synergies:
This is great with less subtle magicks. It's also really, really good with elemental magic, as you can cloak your magic and trick people into doing self-destructive things. At high enough levels of power, or with enough preparation, you could probably pull off feats like tricking city guards into letting armies past city gates, or not noticing as dangerous beasts are let into royal palaces.

Gift Of The Children

The form of magic used by Bran, the Three-Eyed Raven, and some of Westeros's northerners. This is the magic used by skinchangers, and is a frighteningly potent school of magic in the right hands. When empowered by Mage, this perk allows you to reach the heights of the feats supposedly performed by Garth Greenhand: boosting fertility, healing injuries, and even terraforming your surroundings. In a sense this is one of the elemental schools of magic this jump offers, alongside the Ice, Fire, and Water magics that will be talked about later on.
Synergies:
This powerful school of magic is great for spy work, and for modification of your surroundings. It is great for defensively preparing for invasions, and for helping be a leader of rural or isolated communities. As far as how it synergizes with other schools of magic, it is a neat utility school of magic, and meshes well with Garin's Gift: water and disease magic.

The Ice's Touch

White Walker magic. This is my favorite school of magic in this jump, as it's both environmental & necromantic magic. When it gets buffed by Mage it becomes magic on par with the Night King's magic, the sort of stuff that lets you reanimate giants, create spears of ice, and even do forceful environmental manipulation such as letting you freeze bodies of water and forcefully changing how places look through ice and snow.
Synergies:
This powerful school of magic is one of the schools in Westeros that meshes incredibly well with warriors. Skilled warriors can not only create weapons out of ice that are superior to steel, they can also kill their foes and then reanimate them as wights under their control, thus making this NASTY when taken alongside the Stranger or the Warrior, two of the divine, skill-boosting perks in this jump. This form of magic also works well with magic like Valyrian magic which can enable you to kill foes, fleshcraft their bodies, and then reanimate the monstrous toys you make.

Garin's Gift

Water magic. And disease magic, as well. This is Mother Rhoyne's magical discipline, and is linked to the history of Planetos, as well as the birth of Greyscale. The description makes me think of water bending, but probably on a larger scale than most individual water-benders can pull off. When buffed by Mage this becomes a very fascinating holy perk that lets you commune with Mother Rhoyne, a Rhoynish divinity who was the chief goddess of some of the enemies of the Valyrian Freehold. It also makes you a powerful curse wielder.
Synergies:
This is very powerful, very wide magic. With it you can brutally drown enemies, or you can be meaner and unleash plagues that persist for generations and shape societies. Inversely, you can also be kind and generous and heal, bring water to dry places, and cure diseases. It meshes well with other healing magics, such as R'hllorist and the Gift of the Children. It also blends well with the Mother perk, which is a divine, healing & medicine booster that is one of the seven perks linked to the seven, the gods and goddesses most worshipped throughout the seven kingdoms.

Alchemy

Alchemy's portrayals in fantasy media tend to come in two different forms. One form is that it focuses on making potions (Harry Potter). Alternatively it tends to be a sort of wider, more broad transmutation-centric field of magic. In Planetos alchemy is the wider, broader field of magic we sometimes get to see. This has a LOT of potential. When bolstered by Mage, this field of magic goes beyond simple tricks, relatively speaking, like creating Wildfire and allows for things like the creation of all manner of esoteric substances. Presumably you COULD creating healing salves and tonics, or you could create BRUTAL poisons, or you could create powerful drugs.
Synergies:
This synergizes well with creative schools of magic. If you use White Walker magic to create a sword and then cover it in poison you handmade using alchemy, that could be sick. It could also mesh well with glamouring or faceless, both of which are tricky schools of magic that require finesse to master and use effectively, but could be made a lot more effective with supernatural, mind-bending drugs.

R'hllorist & Shadow Magic

Ah, now we're playing with fire. R'hllorist is fire magic. It's MORE than that, but that's the big thing. It's also healing magic, divination magic, and temperature manipulation magic.
The magic employed by worshipers of the lord of light is a tricky field of magic. You can do powerful, reality-bending things like resurrect the dead as Melisandre and Lord Beric Dondarrion (though he is less successful with Lady Stoneheart, through the last kiss, than Melisandre is with Jon), and you can do decidedly more subtle things like peer into the future and the past by staring at a flame, or subtly manipulate fire. When boosted by Mage this form of magic becomes decidedly more powerful, a lot faster. The passion you feel becomes a fire inside of you that you can use in the same way you use other fires, or to enthrall a congregation, and the skills of the red priests quickly become second-nature to you, allowing you to see into the future, heal and even resurrect more easily. You can externally manifest your internal fire, and control how it affects the world around you. At true mastery you can shape your inner fire, when it's externalized, and create fiery constructs to serve you, as well as manipulate heat and temperature, such as pulling the heat out of a living person to freeze them.
Shadow magic, the fel eldritch wizardry used by Melisandre to birth shadow assassins and by the Bloodstone Emperor in the distant past to bind man and monsters to his will, is a foul art used by dark magicians to perform vile miracles. At its base level this is a magic of manipulation and darkness that lets you perform teleportation and corruption. When honed by Mage, this becomes a sickly art that lets its masters jump across entire kingdoms through shadows and corrupt entire nations using the same dark rituals that heralded the first Long Night.
Synergies:
All of the elemental magics synergize well with each other, allowing for clever and thoughtful manipulation of the environment. They also all blend well with Shadow Magic, allowing for powerful acts during the night as well as in broad daylight. Shadow Magic meshes well with illusionary arts and skills in assassination, and by mixing these disciplines one can easily enslave entire empires over the course of hours, days, or weeks.

Dragonborn & Blood Magic

The magic of the Valyrian Freehold and the magic of witches like Mirri Maz Duur. Dragonborn refers to the stone, metal, and fleshcrafting magics of the Valyrian Freehold. It also confers power over the dragons of Westeros, and if you take it as a perk you can choose to gain the appearance of a Valyrian. When boosted by Mage, you become an incredibly skillful wielder of the magics of the Freehold, from biomanipulation to instantaneous road-forging.
Blood Magic is one of the foulest forms of magic in Planetos. It allows for emulation of the other schools of magic, provided you have the right type of blood, but also allows you to do things like rip or boil someone's blood, and manipulate people by warping their vital fluids. When boosted by Mage, this nasty school of magic allows for outright obliteration of even armies of organic lifeforms, and for truly disgusting feats of biomanipulation.
Synergies:
These are just two powerful, fairly freeform schools of magic. They are both nasty, and gorey, and fun. You can use them to wipe out armies or to turn people into your obedient servants. They mesh well with lordship stuff, and are fun schools of magic if you either HAVE power or WANT power. Powerful rulers who want to ensure their rule is absolute would want mastery over these schools of magic, as both can be used to fortify you personally and to secure the loyalty of your subjects, and your ability to defend against armies.
What are your favorite schools of magic from Planetos? Do you really like any single school, or do you think they all speak to you broadly?

After a lot of thinking and scheming, I realized I don't actually need to play an artificer to play an artificer. Barbarian fits what I'm going for, but I want to make sure my Barb has that arcane zing (Was really disappointed with Artificer Initiate.) Right now, the idea is to pick up two levels of Wizard for War’s reaction. I know about the “no spells” thing while raging, that doesn't bother me. Ideally, I'd like to have some set-up spells or some sort of mechanical I can reflavor as being techy. I plan on making Charisma my “dump stat” (I rolled pretty well.)
Some other things to note: The character is Variant Human. We get a free feat at level 1. We get a free uncommon magic item to start with.
The level doesn't matter so much right now since I want a vibe more than a set-in-stone build.

The Spongebob franchise is widely known and loved by many. But many things in the series don’t make much sense. I am going to try to explain a lot of it. Spoilers ahead.
THE ANIMALS
Spongebob Squarepants, as we all know, is a sponge, specifically an “Aplysina fistularis”. Sponges are in the Porifera phylum and were the first animals to appear on earth. But he is very inaccurate to a real-life sea sponge. For one thing, sponges can’t move. They only move in larvae form. They are asymmetrical animals, lacking definite shape. Spongebob is rectangular shaped (like a sponge you would have in your kitchen), which doesn’t happen in nature. They are the most primitive multicellular animals, as they lack internal organs, nervous tissue, limbs, circulatory systems, respiratory systems, and digestive systems. They are hermaphrodites, possessing both male and female reproductive parts. They procreate by shooting their reproductive cells into the sea. Sponges can also regenerate body parts, which is shown in the show’s theme song.
Squidward Tentacles, despite his name, is actually an octopus. You can tell by the bulbous head. Octopuses are part of the Cephalopod class in the Mollusk phylum. They are highly intelligent and can camouflage, regrow limbs, jet-propel themselves, and spray ink when in danger. And since octopus lack bones, they can easily squeeze in and out of tight places. They often feed on clams, crabs, and fish. Octopuses have a lifespan of about 2 years, and their lives usually end after mating. The male will die from dementia or being cannibalized by the female, while the female will die from starvation because she sits on the eggs full time. Only about two of the thousands of eggs will survive to adulthood. Not an easy life. Might explain why Squidward is so miserable. Squidward also has a mouth instead of a beak, six limbs instead of eight, and his nose might not actually be a nose.
Patrick Star is a pink starfish, part of the Asteroidea class in the Echinoderm phylum. Patrick is noticeably more humanoid than a normal starfish. Normal starfish have their mouths in the center of their bodies and use their many tiny hydraulic feet to crawl around. Starfish have no blood or brains, and sense through their feet and small eye spots. They reproduce similarly to sponges, but most aren’t hermaphroditic. Starfish feed on oysters, snails, and also sponges. So SpongeBob should have been Patrick’s dinner.
Plankton is a plankton (hence the name). They are microscopic plants (phyto) or animals (zoo) found in water all over the world. He is specifically a crustacean-like species known as a Copepod.
Crabs are Crustaceans in the Arthropod phylum, with jointed appendages and exoskeletons. Mr. Krabs is specifically a red crab, which is about 6 inches long. Larry the Lobster is a spiny red lobster.
Pearl Krabs is a Sperm Whale and Mr. Krabs' (adopted) daughter. Sperm whales are the largest toothed predators in the world, at around 50 feet long, as well as having the largest brain. They are also the loudest animals in the world, and use echolocation to navigate the ocean. Before the discovery of petroleum, whales were hunted for their oil to use as energy. They have a large diet and are famously known to hunt the giant squid. They have four stomachs filled with methane gas, and old perfumes used to be made from ambergris, which is actually aged and hardened sperm whale feces. I bet we are all wondering, what the heck happened to Pearl? She is miles smaller than a normal whale (barely bigger than Krabs) and has arms and legs too.
Sandy Cheeks is a squirrel, and there’s nothing really odd about her except for the fact that she lives underwater. She lives in a dome with a tree and oxygen, and wears a diving suit when she goes outside. She’s also from Texas.
The townspeople of Bikini Bottom consist of many different sea animals, like fish (anchovies, trout, bass, tuna, pufferfish, seahorse, eels, reef fish), sharks, whales, dolphins, eels, reptiles, and seals. The main things that distinguish them from real sea life is their size and the presence of arms and legs. Instead of swimming, they walk around underwater like humans do on land. They also have more primitive creatures, like jellyfish and snails, along with “wild animals” underwater as well, which are just land animals with fins and aquatic features (like the “Sea Bears”). Merpeople are present in Bikini Bottom, but they are also near the size of the other animals. Even Poseidon and Neptune are pretty small, all at least under 3 feet. There are even some “human” characters in the town, in the form of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, but they are the same size as the rest of the characters, which is confusing. Maybe they are also part of the merpeople group? None of this makes much sense.
EXPLANATION
Bikini Bottom is radioactive. Bikini Bottom is under “Bikini Atoll”, a remote coral reef in the Marshall Islands in the middle of the South Pacific Ocean. It consists of 23 islands that surround a 230-square-mile central lagoon. This location was a place where the United States did nuclear tests from 1946 to 1956. The radiation released into the ocean around it affected the sea life in the area (maybe with a hint of magic too). That’s why the animals are so different and more human. As well as changing them physically, it made them smarter. Their town is similar to that of a normal human town, but smaller, underwater, and with animals. The residents wear clothes, use tech and tools, and live in buildings (made of small human items). Another odd thing to note is that there are lakes and pools underwater. But underwater lakes do exist, so that we can explain. In the episode “Feral Friends”, an orb comes around the town and reverts the characters back into normal animals. The world underwater is animated but is live-action out of water. When Spongebob and Patrick got dried out in “The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (2004)”, they turned back into normal animals. But when the water turned them back into cartoons, it also turned the other animals into that. The water is full of radiation and affects the sea life it touches. The radioactive water brings them back. Also, “Sponge Out of Water (2015)” marked one of the first times that the characters went on land, but through Bubbles’ magic.
THE TIMELINE
Similar to many other long-running cartoons (Simpsons, Family Guy, Phineas and Ferb), the timeline doesn’t make much sense without explanation. Spongebob was born in 1986, and the show’s first episode was in 1999. Which means he is a teenager in the events of the series. The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (2004) was supposed to be the end of the series, but the show kept going on. But I see that the first movie is set in the future, at the end of the whole series (whenever that may be). It is set after the events of the show and other movies. Many of the things from the movie were never featured in future episodes, like Krusty Krab 2, Goofy Goobers, and Neptune's Crown. There are 248 episodes of Spongebob, plus three movies, and each episode covers one or more days. So the events of the show are only happening in the late 90s and early 2000s. Episodes that are futuristic-themed are more parodical, so it’s not required to be included as canon.

Hello
Timestamp: https://imgur.com/a/K6XDXzy
I have no boxes but will wrap real well :)

Item	Price	Description
Magic Keyboard with charging cable	$60 shipped	Like new
Magic Mouse - White Multi-Touch Surface with charging cable	$60 shipped	Like new
140W USB-C Power Adapter + USB-C to MagSafe 3 Cable (2 m) - Silver	$130 shipped	Brand new

Repairs: None

Two diamonds in 3 seasons 😁😁

Wings: * mini love wings * twas the night before christmas x5 * stained glass rose x3 * snowfall fairy x2 * infernal bat x2 * delicate blue rose * snow pops x2 * mini electric guardian * dew drop mist * winter butterfly * winter wings 2020 x4 * keeper of light * crystal ice x3 * sparkly snowflake skater x3 * angel wings
Skirts: * mini skirt x7 * midnight’s strike popstar performance skirt x5 * royal stroll in the garden x2 * ruffle velvet bow mini skirt * real life mermaid x4 * sparkly party tutu
Shoes: * carol of the elves booties * adorable lace-up doll boots * kingly kicks * huggly snuggly booties x3 * snuggly reindeer slippers x11
Accessories: * christmas window shopping top hat * crazy in love glasses * frozen royalty crown x2 * angel halo * kawaii reaper x5 * droopy elf ears * peppermint princess sleeves x2 * nomnom frosted donut waist floatie x4 * exquisite emerald ring x5 * studded rose garters * maracas * arachnofabulous x5 * dear dollie laced back bow x3 * kitchen accident x5 * exquisite emerald necklace x3 * exquisite emerald earrings x2 * glorious cape * dear dollie gloves x9 * butterfly pavilion fascinator * mix matched striped socks x9 * spring horns * beautiful rose in hand x2 * spring cleaning duster x2 * freshwater pearl necklace x6 * seashell hair clips x3 * sparkly heart hoop earrings * heart of the ocean necklace * pumpkin autumn earrings * dotd aromatic flower crown * giant teddy bear * princess starfrost cozy bodice * bloxy award * polar bear beret cap * nine-tails * royal sword of strength x2 * princely dueling crown * reindeer crossbody x5 * 2020 party hat x2 * pretty kitty tail x2 * skull crown * spider friend x2 * warm glittering cloak x8 * sparkly candy cane ears x5 * fuzzy warm frost hat x7 * light-up ornament necklace x5 * winter snowglobe x11 * merry sparkly dress x6 * shy scarf * abnormally large and very pokey fork * beasty snow antlers * rainbow ears x2 * treasure satchel x3 * spring bucket hat x2 * stars and moons pendant x2 * ruffle top hat x3 * warm winter lantern x6 * rainbow pot of gold bag x8 * ice’s ufo x5 * dangly rainbow earrings x5 * over the rainbow sleeves x5 * chocolate lucky coin x4 * bouquet of clovers x5 * lucky bow pin x2 * lucky top hat x4 * lucky bowtie x2 * leprechaun belt x4 * rainbow diamond earrings x4 * four leaf clover ears * rainbow armlets x2 * hip bag of coins x6 * classic golden chain x3 * lucky headband x8 * nightmare witch hat x2 * 2021 lunar new year: ox * rainbow candy x3 * whiskers * bunny bonnet headband * falling spring blossoms * icey snowflake earrings x2 * wish upon a star earrings x2 * spring scramble earrings * fuzzy bracelets * fashionable round frames x3 * spring queen crown x2 * easter egg boppers x2 * oof head x2 * rainbow visor x3 * easter egg top hat x2 * glowing pumpkin wand x2 * friendship necklace (right) x6 * gone with the wind bow headband x9 * personal snow flurry x11 * crispy air puffy jacket x8 * flower vines arm beauty x7 * stocking bows * soft plush antlers * santa hat x4 * santa’s beard * light-up antlers x2 * classic ghost costume x2 * 2021 party hat x7 * my dollie x2 * candy explosion!!! x3 * spinning web boppers x2 * darling valentina playful puppy ears x7 * bat earrings x3 * supernatural hoop earrings x5 * spider’s masterpiece purse * nomnom chocolate bar x5 * magical fairy lights x12 * dragon staff x4 * leah’s bubblegum bubble x8 * cheerleader pompoms! x5 * don’t pick me please x7 * jeweled choker necklace x5 * american flag x4 * canadian flag x3 * glittering noel bows x6 * sparkly christmas bells earrings x9 * snowman’s top hat x4 * runaway damsel candleabra x4 * good tidings shawl cape x2 * father christmas’ present bag x3 * iced gingerbread earrings x2 * aurora’s longsword * elf helper hat * aurora’s battleaxe * polar cutie fur leg warmers * ice prince shawl cape * dashing through the snow scarf * midnight’s strike popstar astral hair bow x13 * sewer rat x8 * midnight’s strike popstar constellation bodice x3 * midnight’s strike popstar celestial armlets x11 * midnight’s strike popstar microphone * popstar microphone
DISCLAIMER: there's no set prices on any of these items, so if you're offering diamonds please name your price!! and I'm open to items/items + diamonds offers though I'm predominantly looking for diamonds ^{^} the "x(certain number)" just indicates the quantity of the item I have available for sale at the moment

Hello! I am looking for players! A fairly new ish dm who has only ran 5e short games so far and is moving onto 3.p (don't think its official or normal at all) We are pretty welcoming to a ton but of course the stories are not going to hold back. I prefer to have some tragedy in my writing. We do a nice mix of both combat and rp). Here is the pitch.
I have space in a 3.5/pathfinder 1E (Hybrid) game with some minor adjustments to help martials have a little more utility. The Spots are both open. The sessions are ussually Thursday (obviously we can wait on other players if its preferred.) . But that's unreasonable to expect people to make it in time for it lol. I am having two players dropping out because its too much socializing for them.
It is weekly on Thursday evenings from around 8pm - 12am eastern is the timing for it. And am using foundry vtt for it.
If anyone would be interested it would be 2 slots open. Games fairly early on in the campaign. I have recaps of each session so far if that helps as well.
You would probably be starting at level 5. It's a long campaign aiming to run for at least 2-3 years ish. If anyone's potentially interested in filling spots that will be opening up. I ask that you tie an item of some sort to your characters backstory that is currently dormant. Feel free to ask me more about that in detail if you would like.
The game is aiming to get to epic levels. And Homebrew is to be expected so we might be flexible on certain things. Multiclassing is fair game. Our current roster is 1 Punch Healer Psionic multiclass Frog, 1 Paladin Fish man, and 1 Reborn Person thing Phantom blade which is kind of like a Spell blade. There are two of these players are extremely RP Heavy, the third is not as Rp heavy but is new to Table Tops.
If anyone would be interested feel free to dm me about it. We are not using the standard god list. And for the character creation portion. I have homebrewed tortles and Magma Tortles into it, and I ask that people make a character that has a fluent backstory, it will be relevant to the campaign and I will do my best to work some early game story with it. As for any other questions like a world map or anything i can share them here in a moment. And if they haven't been shared yet please feel free to ask me!
The world map is going to be shared for help with character creation.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1huxq7wDi2mlWWbrvht_cXRpBJzMRsF-IW-ctCbTbX78/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aqww4TVhF_r-wH5MJrBKct1IzKW2k9M3WtHpC1Xi1Yk/edit?usp=sharing

Hi HWS,
https://imgur.com/a/fgGzAgS
I have no boxes but will wrap real well :)

Item	Price	Description
Magic Keyboard with charging cable	$60 shipped	Like new
Magic Mouse - White Multi-Touch Surface with charging cable	$60 shipped	Like new
140W USB-C Power Adapter + USB-C to MagSafe 3 Cable (2 m) - Silver	$130 shipped	Brand new

I'm trying to create an item in the style of the ones found in this post https://www.reddit.com/DnDBehindTheScreen/comments/hartgd/six_upgrading_levelup_magic_items_for_you to give to an artificer in my game but cant think of what it should do. Any ideas would be great to build off.

I want to make a warlock who signed such an iron-clad agreement with their patron that they can't even die to get out of it. Not just "your soul shall be mine after you die!" but they physically cannot die, no matter how much they may want to or try to.
Note: specifically not an "unbeatable" character. I'm not looking for, and am not trying to build, a character that will win every fight, defeat every monster, etc. That will be up to the party to figure out. This is more of the damage sponge, the "will eventually regenerate from anything." A permanent, involuntary Death Ward or Clone spell would do it, but I'm trying to bring it online sooner.
Undead Warlock gets me most of the way there. Probably with Pact of the Chain, especially if it carries an emergency "oh no you don't!" potion with it. Not sure what race fits best.
Which invocations, feats, etc. would support this concept? What else should I consider? Any specific magic items to request?

I apologize if this is a bit sprawling. I've been trying to get my head around playing this in 5e, and just can't.
I've got this setting kicking around in my head - basically the gods were killed in a cataclysm, a mix of local spirits/powers/etc and eldritch abominations are the main sources of power, etc. Celestials and Fiends walk the earth, but are no longer tied to the higher powers. Kaiju, etc. The death of the gods tore the weave and just unleashed madness.
Giant post apocalyptic mess where (modern) humanity has mostly been in hiding for a couple hundred years and are just starting to pop their heads out of bunkers, and stuff is bonkers. (between "Love and Monsters" and "The Mist", but fantasy)
So I'm not necessarily looking "low magic" here - but I am looking for magic being costly, and never being an "easy button". For example, with 5e, I can work with Fireball, but Knock, Goodberry, Light, etc are more problematic. I need spellcasting to either be really risky, or costly.
I generally like 5e as a system - ability checks as a fallback for conflict resolution are simple and elegant, and advantage is easy - but the implied setting (The classes, the spells, etc) just aren't appropriate for this. They're all too flexible and high powered, and just erase so many of the environmental/survival/etc challenges that I'd like to play with. I've tried things like longer rest rules, and they help, but DND seems to solve these problems the wrong way (Ranger means you never get lost, etc)
I want PCs to be able to starve to death, or get badly wounded and die of infection, or go insane, etc - but I also think DND encumbrance and tracking rations and all that is tedious - do any games handle these threats well?
And this probably screams OSR to a lot of people - but I keep bouncing off. I don't want "Magic Guy" and "Sword Guy" - I want interesting classes with codified options for combat/etc.
I want interesting tactical combat - but not fiddly like a lot of 5e is (IE, lots of process/pieces that don't seem to do much).
Any suggestions?

SORRY IF THIS IS TOO LONG. THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY PLACE I CAN SAY THIS STUFF BECAUSE NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE. THIS IS JUST SOOO STRESSFUL.
im 16m and my sister is 13f and she is always so negative. She doesnt listen to anything my mother says, does things on her own time/when she feels like it, doesnt do her school work, isnt disicplined, is messy (when asked, doesnt clean) and is just always in a bad mood.
Its gotten to the point where whenever she is around, her being negative brushes off onto me. I remember a couple months ago, she was in a bad mood and arguing with my mom. I was sitting there while they were arguing and I said something about the situation. (I like to smile a lot) So before she left she said "Why are you always smiling, I hate your smile." She then walked away. I looked at my mom to do something but she just kinda brushed it off and that was that. Also around the same time, there were 2 situations where she stole and wore my clothing to school. The first time she lied then gave up after I kept pressing her about it. My mother just asked her if it was hers, when my sister denied it, my mother said "Maybe it is hers." She doesnt even own this clothing item but "Maybe its hers" like what??? The second time around, she stole a hoodie from me. (again, she doesnt own this clothing item or anything like it) SHE TRIED TO SAY THAT WE HAD THE EXACT SAME HOODIE, COLOR, AND SIZE. And again she lied about it, except this time she lied but didnt give up. I immediately went to my mother and said that its my sweatshirt but she said she didn't want to deal with it. When I kept asking my mother to talk to my sister about this, my mother got mad at ME, YES, AT ME, and started to yell at me for talking about. Crazy right? My mother's solution to this problem was to buy me a new sweatshirt. I couldn't care less about the sweatshirt, but the fact that she stole it and lied about it. I said to my sister, "Since its your sweatshirt, show me the receipt." (I had the receipt to mine on the website.) She kept delaying showing me the order and said that her website was different than mine and doesnt show past orders. (THIS IS THE DUMBEST LIE EVER AND WE USED THE SAME NIKE SITE) BUT GUESS WHAT, I TELL MY MOM THAT ITS A LIE AND NOT POSSIBLE, BUT SHE STILL DOESNT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. So right after this happens my sister buries this sweatshirt in the laundry hamper. (keep in mind that I saw her do this, but I didnt realize thats what she was doing at the time) So the next day goes by, and my mom doesnt do anything and my sister is still lying. My mom, again, gets mad at me for bringing it up. I had off from school this day so I took it into my own hands and searched in her room, I couldnt find it. My sister gets home from school and I bring it up again. Its gotten to the point where im very very mad, so my sister out of nowhere decides to look in the laundry basket. Would you look at that! My sister magically knew exactly where my sweatshirt was. When I said she stole and lied about it, she KEPT LIEING. (SHE IS A HORRIBLE LIAR) She tried gaslighting me into thinking that I made all this up to make her look bad and said that it was there all along. Well guess what, my sister gets away with stealing and lying with no punishment and I have to keep my mouth shut.
I want to say 2 months ago I brought up the fact that the upstairs bathroom (the one my sister and I share) is messy and my sister is the one causing the mess. I brought this up privately to my mother 3-4 times in private to not make it such a big thing like the last thing. I asked my mother if she talked to my sister about this and she said she did. I thought it was over. Well it wasnt. I had to clean up after her all the time. (These were smaller things like toothpaste and makeup all over the sink) So I went directly to my sister and told her to clean it and said that there was a mess. So she decides to lie (notice how much she lies) and blame it on me. My mother doesnt do anything. I, again, brought it up to my mother after and she got annoyed at my for bringing it up again. My mother just told me that "some people are just messy people" and "youll just have to live with it" and "when you get older, youre going to have to deal with messy people like her." My mothers advice is that nothing can be done and I have to deal with it. I was super upset that my mother wasnt teaching her to clean up after herself, especially in a place used by more than just my sister. So because I kept bringing this up my sister felt the need to bring up something about me, (just so she can feel that she is "getting back at me") about how the bathroom cabinet is messy and filled with all my stuff. She normally uses a different bathroom to shower etc. so this bathroom is pretty much mine. Of course its going to be filled with my stuff and un-organized, I didnt know she wanted to put stuff there because she never said anything about it. So immedatily I cleaned to and moved some of my stuff. I acted in the same way I would want someone else to act about this. After I did this she finally decided to clean it up.
The other day I had to dump out a bucket of water (I was using the water for cleaning) and I did it in the backyard on the grass. My sister was there while I was doing it. I went to dump it out onto the grass, and she just starts saying a bunch of things like "WHY WOULD YOU DUMP IT THERE?" and "YOUR DUMPING WATER ONTO THE GRASS, ITS GOING TO GET DIRTY." (THIS IS THE SINGLE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD COME OUT OF HER MOUTH) So I just called her dumb for saying that and she kept going on about how I should have dumped it somewhere else bla bla bla. I asked my mother to make sure it was okay that I dumped it there, and my mother agreed with me that it was just grass and didnt matter. (Its literally grass, ITS ALREADY DIRTY, ITS GRASS AND DIRT!!)
There were times where I said some bad stuff and then she said some even worse things to me. The way she acts just affects my mental health and im just tired of it. Her negative energy spreads. And for some reason I care what she thinks. Idk why. I dont know what to do. Ignoring her is so had cus I feel I have to say something when she does things like this.
It just feels like she just has something to say about EVERYTHING that I do.
I understand that my sister acting this bad is stressful on my mother too, because my sister wont listen to anyone, but this has just gotten too bad.

Before I talk about the character let me explain the reasoning. A Friend of mine who DMs started a group at a local game shop and took in 6 new players who have no idea how to play but have watched games and want to play. So he asked me to Co-DM in a strange way, to join the group as a player and pick up the slack in any way they might miss and help explain when I can. I didnt want to have a character that was always the savioin the lime light so here is where the character came in.
The Group has 2 Fighters, 1 Barb, 1 Ranger, 1 Cleric, 1 Wizard, and now me "Kat The Familiar" (They named me) A Warlock. All of us are level 5 now.
My Character is a Changeling Genie Warlock who doesnt speak, he isnt mute he can speak but he pretends that he is mute to blend in with the initial misunderstanding that he is a familiar, The vessel being a ring. I gave the Ring to the Fighter who in his Session 0 coincidentally thinks it is a crazy rare Magic Item with a Familiar bound to it (I can explain in the comments if I need to.) But since I gave my vessel to I dont use it as my Spellcasting focus obviously but I use a Component Pouch for spells Instead.
I need tips on how to progress this character feat/spell/class wise since it looks like I might need to stick around longer since I am more intertwined in the group that I initially thought. Maybe some tips for further pulling off the illusion of being a Echo/Familiar. Maybe even some back story ideas since originally my character was only gonna be around until the party got a handle on things/died.

I have a magic item I would like feedback on. It's based on the Grav Spike Launcher from Rage 2. This is the first draft
Unnamed
Longbow/magic rifle
1 piercing damage (Referred to as “force darts”)
Keep track of how many successful hits made against a target. That’ll be important later. Refer to a target with these force darts embedded in them as Target 1, 2, 3, etc.
Ammunition, Range 150/600, heavy, 2-handed, special
As a bonus action, change from firing main fire to alternate fire. Choose a target or a point within range. If a target, make an attack roll. If a point, that is not necessary. Target 1, 2, 3, etc. is pulled toward that target or point a number of ft equal to a value on the table below. If Target 1, 2, 3, etc. collides with an object before it stops moving, it takes 2d8 force damage for every 5 ft it has left to move. If Target 1, 2, 3, etc. collides with a creature, they both take 1d8 force damage for every 5 ft left to move. Then, reset all force dart counts.
Tiny
20 ft per force dart
Small
15 ft per force dart
Medium
10 ft per force dart
Large
5 ft per force dart
Huge
5 ft per 2 force darts
Gargantuan
5 ft per 3 force darts
​
Weight 2lbs
25 pp

https://www.heroforge.com/load_config%3D40359096/
My regular DM is starting a nautical-themed 5e campaign for the summer starting at level 3 and I'll be running this satyr fathomless warlock who just wants to drink, play his concertina, and have a good time.
Backstory:
"
Glenti Baldoria (Glenti: Revelry [in Greek] Baldoria: Revel [in Italian] literally: Party Party) is a worshiper of the now dead-God, Xenagos, God of revelry. Once a prodigious student originally from a fishing town, the stress of studying magics caused Glenti to slowly begin to "worship" (party) a little too hard. One night, Glenti worshiped around the wrong people... He drunkenly insulted and unintentionally humiliated the arrogant son of a local aristocrat. The young man had his guards shut Glenti and a pistol "with one bullet" into a barrel of wine, weighed it down, and cast him into the ocean. As Glenti began to suffocate, he contemplated taking his life with the pistol, unfortunately, it was empty; One final joke at his expense, he thought.
In the depths nearby, a kraken could feel him dying. It telepathically offered him power and a second chance at, as Glenti saw it, being the life of the party. Naturally, Glenti clung to life by accepting the offer. The barrel suddenly burst open, and to his surprise, Glenti could breathe the dark water surrounding him. He grabbed the lid to the barrel as it rapidly ascended towards the surface, spiriting him away with it. As he ascended, marks began to magically appear on his face and the pistol in his pocket, signaling his entry into a contract with the deep.
Upon returning to land, Glenti fashioned the lid of the barrel into a shield and confronted the noble brat who attempted to kill him over a jest. He pretended to fire the soggy pistol, knowing it was empty, but to his surprise, it fired a blast of eldritch energy, killing the young man where he stood. Bewildered and in shock, Glenti began apologizing profusely to the corpse and to witnesses before panic set in and he bolted for the docks, jumping onto a ship right as it was setting sail. He knew he could never go home, or even stay in one place for very long, because there was simply no explaining what had transpired. Life at sea can't be all bad, he thought, at least there's drink and merriment to be had.
"
My DM has granted permission for his pistol to become his pact weapon, despite lacking proficiency in firearms, because it's actually empty and thanks to the improved pact weapon invocation, he's just using it as his spellcasting focus and firing eldritch blasts from it. The chained orb in his offhand is an everbright lantern which (with DM approval) also functions as a spellcasting focus. He's looking to get a coiling grasp tattoo asap. Stats rolled are as follows:
STR:12
DEX:16
CON:16+1
INT:14
WIS:14
CHA:18+2

So this is fresh and has caused a bit of a rift in the gaming group, but here goes:
(also, keeping some details vague as I know most people in the group use Reddit)
First, context. Normally, I am a forever-DM. I'm one of the very few people that actually enjoys DMing, so that is my preferred role at the table. Though, a friend started up a campaign that he DMs and I run a PC in that one. To be honest, I don't really enjoy it. It's no fault of my friend, he's put a lot of work into his world and with trying his absolute best to engage players at the table. I just don't enjoy being a PC. I love to be performative as a DM, and I like to think I'm good at it. Comparatively, being a PC is limiting, unstimulating, and exhausting for me. Despite this, I show up for my friend's campaign and do my best to participate. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't causing some burnout, but I'm trying my best to be supportive. And I'll fully admit I'm not perfect. I have a nasty habit of losing my character sheet in the clutter in my apartment, something that has rightfully earned me the ire of some other people in the group.
Recently, another player in the party (let's call them Player2) wanted to run a one shot set in the DM's campaign. It was their first time DMing in quite a while (as in, years). I get that they were rusty, but to their credit, the opening of their one shot was solid. We had banter with some NPCs, then we ambushed a squad of baddies and absolutely wrecked them.
The one shot started its downward spiral in the aftermath of the ambush. One of the baddies was carrying some kind of magical item. My character grabs it, but passes the save that it prompts. Realizing that it's something both magical and probably dangerous, I take it over to two other characters. I hold it out to them, asking for one of them to investigate the item with magic.
The Player2 describes this action as me "waving it around", prompting the item to give everyone a save. Passing the save didn't matter and suddenly we are in a different area. (And queue me getting crap for the rest of the session for "waving a magical item around like an idiot")
It turns out we have been warped to a divine sanctum. Not wanting to be here, we politely ask the first being we meet there if we can leave. "No. You must do battle here because you are intruders."
We try (in vain) to explain that we were transport here against our will and just want to leave. We're rationally people with no real desire to battle a god, after all.
"No. You must do battle here because you are intruders."
We try to explain that we really just don't want to battle a deity and want to leave.
"No. You must do battle here because you are intruders."
This repeats for several minutes. Every single attempt at diplomacy is rebuffed. I mentally check out. I can clearly tell that this a battle that Player2 WANTS us to do and fully intends to railroad us into doing it. Eventually, our warlock loses patience and starts slinging spells.
Hours of combat ensue. There feels like no rhyme or reason to it. We're here to battle a god because Player2 says we have to.
And eventually, it's all over and we win. It's late. I'm exhausted. I've been ribbed about "waving around magic items" one too many times. I'm out of energy to keep phoning in being a player. During some in-character roleplay, it's revealed my character was pulled to the campaign from another plane and just wants to go home. It turns out our Wizard had taken Banishment and uses it to try to send me home. This leads to an immediate retcon. Banishment doesn't work on my character.
(I would like to take an aside here to point something out. I am well aware that this backstory/motivation can be resolved by a 5th level spell. That was intentional. I wanted to give our original DM an easy out in case I ever decided to switch characters in the future. And that's actually something I was planning on doing in the coming weeks, since I think learning to play a new class might help me regain some enthusiasm.)
The one shot wraps, and I take my leave. I'm pretty fast out of the door, but that's mainly because I have a long drive home and work in the morning. (In retrospect, I admit it does look like I was just trying to GTFO)
I wake up to texts from another player in the morning. Player2 apparently cried after I left. My disinterest was apparently much more noticeable than I realized. I feel legitimately bad about that. I showed up and tried my best to get invested, but clearly I just wasn't good enough.
So yeah, I guess I'm the problem player. I'm going to talk to DM about dropping out as a player. I just don't think that's a role I'm suited to and they deserve someone that can give better participation than I can. I'm going to refocus my energy on running my own campaign and improving as a foreverDM.