Hi there! As a non-ADHD person myself, but the father of a wonderful little eight-year-old boy (the best thing to ever happen in my life) with ADHD, I thought I’d consult with you guys, the ADHD community, about this. My son – let’s call him Lenny – attends a fantastic school that’s PRETTY understanding about his situation, but they certainly don’t have a FULL understanding about everything, and so, the school’s director – let’s call him Marlon (who is fantastic, and has a great sense of humor, which I mention so that you don’t think my joke below about him is out of place) – suggested that I should record a video that he can distribute to all of the teachers. Below, I’m pasting everything that I’m planning to say in the video.
The wording may occasionally seem a bit odd, but that’s because I’ve tried to write it the way I’m planning to actually SAY it, rather than how I’d normally READ it to myself. Anyway, would you guys mind having a glance and letting me know your thoughts? I know this is extremely long, so if it’s too much, I completely understand, but if you can spare the time, I’d REALLY appreciate it, and thanks in advance!!!
Here’s what I’m planning to say:
Greetings, Everyone. Mike Michaels here, father of Lenny Michaels. First, please excuse me when you see my eyes reading everything I’m saying here. There are a lot of details and nuance to it all, so I wanted to be prepared, rather than just ‘winging it.’ Second, I really want to thank all of you for being so patient with Lenny. I know that most schools are not, and for this, we’re truly grateful to you. Third, and most pertinent to Lenny’s behavior, there’s something that’s important to stress, and I’ve only really begun to fully understand this over the last couple of months: Lenny has a DISABILITY. ADHD is a disability; it’s an almost invisible disability. Yes, it’s also accurately classified as a “disorder,” but most people who don’t have a career in psychology, like me, tend to think of disorders as not being as debilitating as disabilities can be. But make no mistake, ADHD is ALSO a disability; it’s recognized in the Americans with Disabilities Act, and by the Social Security Administration, and much more importantly, by psychological experts that have studied ADHD at length.
Unfortunately, people with untreated ADHD have lifelong struggles, and actually shorter average lifespans. This may all go against layperson thinking – I certainly didn’t used to think of it as a disability myself until I saw it so closely and frequently, but now I have no doubt now that it absolutely is a disability. I’ll get into this next part a bit later, but it’s widely recognized in the psychological community that even the term ADHD, for a variety of reasons, is clinically the wrong term for this condition.
I’ve heard, as I’m sure some of you have too, some parents saying, “oh my kid can’t pay attention sometimes,” or “my kid can’t remember things all the time,” or “my kid acts impulsively often enough.” But when your kid does all of these things, every single day, multiple times every single day, to the point that relationships – and sometimes property – are destroyed, then your kid has a disability, and that disability is called, wrongly, ADHD. Needless to say, it would benefit all of us watching this video, to start reframing this in our minds as a disability that Lenny has – and it would also benefit Lenny, and the other kids that his behavior affects, if all of us here modify our thinking about ADHD, without explicitly telling the other kids that he has a disability.
Now, Lenny also has a second issue known as Sensory Processing Disorder, which I’ll also get into later, since it complicates things. But what I really want to focus on in this video is five different points, all of which I’ll elaborate on a little later: First, like I said, it’s important for adults – but not children, not his peers – but for adults to, as discretely as possible, treat ADHD like an actual disability.
Second, and again, as someone who does not have ADHD myself, I’ve only come around to this understanding more recently, it’s important to not make Lenny feel inferior for not being able to remember important things at certain moments – he simply can’t do it; it’s a symptom of his disability.
Third, helping him with reminders isn’t the be-all, end-all solution to these problems, but it helps, and there are specific ways that reminders can work for ADHD kids, which I’ll get into.
Fourth, I would really appreciate it if everyone could extend their already VERY generous patience just a little bit further anytime we’re tapering Lenny onto or off of new medication. This can cause relapses that he simply has no control over, and for him to feel punished – even if that’s not my intention or your intention – over something that’s chemically changed him, that he didn’t even sign up for, just seems cruel.
And my fifth point, which I’m grateful to Marlon for discussing with me, is that if we can help him better empathize about certain things, then maybe certain impulses will just start to dissipate naturally. And if he doesn’t have these certain impulses, then it becomes a non-issue to try to control something that no longer exists, but that’s a tough one, that I’ll get into later.
(1) For now, let me get into that first point a bit deeper: That it’s important for us adults – but not children, not his peers – to, as discretely as possible, treat ADHD like an actual disability. As I said, the term ADHD is just an incorrect term for this disability. I’ve learned that “attention deficit” and “hyperactivity” are really just symptoms, and not even the only or most significant symptoms for some people that have it. Some other symptoms, which can be equally debilitating, problematic, and even dangerous to an ADHD person’s well-being, include time blindness, as well as a regular and frequent inability – not unwillingness, but inability – to stop acting on impulses, as well as an inability to apply memorized information at the moment it’s needed: The recall. There are other important symptoms, too, but these are the ones I’m going to focus on here.
In psychology, I’ve learned that all of these things are components of the brain’s “executive function,” and in ADHD people, the part of the brain that manages these executive functions is underdeveloped, somewhat comparable – but not entirely analogous – to how someone with muscular dystrophy has underdeveloped muscles.
As an aside, if you’re curious, the medical industry continues to maintain the term ‘ADHD’ because changing it would require a massive, and seemingly impossible, overhaul to the medical billing system that has decades worth of the term ADHD in every medical journal and billing code. Giving it the more accurate term of “Executive Function Disorder” or EFD, just isn’t practical.
But anyway, I know I also mentioned that Lenny has something called Sensory Processing Disorder. This disorder is observed often enough in children with ADHD, which Lenny has been diagnosed with. And Sensory Processing Disorder has also been observed in children with Autism, which has been ruled out in Lenny. And then, Sensory Processing disorder has also been observed in children without either of these things. And it has different manifestations. But in Lenny, his Sensory Processing Disorder causes him to feel a need for pressure in his joints and against his body. This is why you may see him pressing against things more often than others, or pulling things more often than others, or knocking things down. He has a compulsion towards feeling those things in his joints, in his body.
He also has a compulsion related to his auditory sense, where his brain needs to hear loud, explosive things, and so this is why you may see him press other kids that have big reactions, and stay away from kids that don’t. And where someone without ADHD may be able to pause, and recognize that acting on these compulsions would be inappropriate at times, Lenny’s ADHD generally prevents him from doing so.
Anyway, I just wanted to mention that to offer some additional perspective on some of his actions. But getting back fully to just the ADHD component, which is Lenny’s main affliction, the point here is that it’s more than just “not trying hard enough.” It’s that his brain is physically different, and this just isn’t possible without certain interventions.
You wouldn’t press a wheelchair-bound kid to “just get up the stairs,” would you? Well, maybe Marlon would, because he’s got a penchant for the cruel and usual. JUST KIDDING, MARLON! But no, of course you wouldn’t ask a wheelchair-bound kid to do that, without some kind of intervention, like a ramp or an elevator. And in that same way, it shouldn’t be asked of an ADHD-ridden kid to “just remember,” without some kind of intervention, as well, or they’re going to feel like garbage, too. Of course, these things aren’t identical, but they’re similar enough to illustrate the point that interventions are necessary, and that pressing a kid to do something that they can’t is damaging.
And yes, for ADHD kids, non-chemical interventions and reminders are important, and can assist. But the dramatic majority of ADHD patients cannot effectively modify their behavior without medication. Study after study shows that, for these people, it just isn’t possible. Now, different medications do different things to different people. Not every medication works for every ADHD person. For Lenny, we’ve seen that a drug called “Guanfacine” helps significantly, and here’s why: For non-ADHD people, we have impulsive thoughts, too, but a certain part of our brain is developed enough to pause that thought before our body acts on it. That part of Lenny’s brain is not.
Unmedicated, Lenny’s brain lacks the ability to insert this pause between impulsive thought and the action that follows. But, because Guanfacine was originally developed as a medication to lower or slow blood pressure, it also slows other functions, too. And so, the Guanfacine often helps slow Lenny’s impulsive thought to a brief pause, so that he has a moment to consider it before acting on it, and often, as a result, he won’t act on it when he's on Guanfacine. Here’s just one small, easy-to-recognize example – which doesn’t actually involve any relationship issues – to illustrate my point:
Off Guanfacine (or when it’s starting to wear off), when Lenny is finished in the bathroom, his first instinct is to immediately run out of the bathroom and continue whatever he was doing before, without flushing or washing his hands, so he never does, even if I remind him right before he goes into the bathroom. But on Guanfacine, I rarely need to remind him at all – his mind has a brief pause before he leaves, and he’ll usually flush and wash hands. So then, when it comes to slightly more complicated situations in remembering what several kids have told him not to do to them, most of you have seen how that goes: Off Guanfacine (or when it’s starting to wear off), usually not well, but on Guanfacine, often (but not always) better.
And again, I’ve heard plenty of people say, “oh, this type of thing is normal in kids.” But also again, the kind of impulsivity that happens every single day, multiple times every single day, to the point that relationships – and sometimes property – are destroyed, is not normal in kids. And I’d venture to say that any and every kid that does this every single day, multiple times every single day, to the point that relationships – and sometimes property – are destroyed, has this disability known as ADHD, or perhaps some other type of brain impairment that I’m not as well versed in.
On the other hand, with regard to medication, certain meds can sometimes make the symptoms worse in certain people, in certain situations. For example, we also tried Ritalin for Lenny, on two different occasions, at different dosage levels, months apart, each for one week, and both times, his symptoms got worse. You see, Ritalin is a stimulant, and can often, but not always, help ADHD people really focus on something that’s put in front of them. If Lenny were attending a traditional school, where he was expected to sit at a desk for a large portion of the day, and stay focused on one subject for an extended period of time, perhaps Ritalin would help him with this focus. But at his actual school, which we all know is different, this laser focus isn’t expected, and so instead, the Ritalin probably sped up his motor, and reduced that pause time between impulse and action, and more problems occurred.
At some point, we’re going to try other medications, too, like Adderall, and may even others. But Adderall is also a stimulant, with a different chemical make-up. So, because it’s different, it may help in other ways, but because it’s a stimulant, it may also exacerbate the problems like Ritalin did. We won’t know until we try it. And when Ritalin caused Lenny to create more problems, and Lenny got into more trouble, I felt terrible about it, first, because other kids felt his wrath, but also because he was quote, “getting in trouble more,” and not even understanding the reasons why, because these concepts and chemical effects are difficult for children that young to fully understand.
(2) And that brings me to my second main point: It’s important to not make Lenny feel inferior for not being able to remember important things at certain moments – he simply can’t do it. I’ve always sort of known this, and sort of understood it, but as someone without ADHD myself, I only came to this full understanding recently, when I saw something happen...
A couple of weeks ago, he did something somewhat trivial in the grand scheme – I won’t get into details, but it wasn’t something that provided him with some grand material or emotional reward. It was a small, but irritating thing. I took him aside, and I spent five minutes with him, calmly trying to understand why he did it, and explaining to him why he can’t do it in the future. Then, I left for about two minutes, and when I returned, he had already done it again! And I asked him, “Why did you do that? I just got finished explaining why you can’t. Did you already forget?” And he said, “I didn’t forget; I just wasn’t thinking about it when it happened.” And I replied, “but I told you about it TWO MINUTES before it happened. How were you ALREADY not thinking about it?” And then he cried, maybe because I had upset him with my tone, but I think it was more because he felt inferior for not being able to recall this important information when he needed it, and because I unintentionally rubbed this in his face.
And this was my lightbulb moment. Already, he sometimes says to me, “Daddy, why can’t I do these things like other kids can,” and of course, I try to explain and comfort him, but it wasn’t until this specific incident, that I just mentioned, that I connected these things – his disability impairs his recall, and then this causes him to do actions that he doesn’t really want to do, and then he feels shitty about. So, rather than unintentionally rubbing it in his face like I used to, even gently, now, I try to not harp on the fact that he can’t recall these things when he needs to, and I instead try to work with him, constructively, on reminders that he thinks will help him recall pertinent information when he needs to. I hope that all of you will truly take this to heart, and please try the same.
I think this is also important when other kids grill him for not remembering, too. Of course, that’s how they feel, and they should be able to say it – they’ve probably said the same thing to Lenny dozens of times, and their frustration is entirely justified, and should be expressed. But from where I’m standing, instead of teachers jumping on that same wagon, and grilling Lenny just the same way about remembering things, even gently – as I used to – Lenny has expressed to me that it would help for teachers to assist him in expressing back to the other kids that he has this “thing” in his brain (he’s embarrassed to call it ADHD in front of other people) that makes it hard to remember things that he needs to, even if he's been told these things hundreds of times, and maybe they – Lenny and the other kid that he’s meeting with – can then work together to identify some useful in-the-moment reminders that can help him have this in-the-moment recall, right when things start, before they start to escalate.
(3) And with that, let’s get into some of these reminder ideas, which is the third point that I mentioned at the beginning of this video. For adults with ADHD, they have smart phones, with reminders that ping up all the time to remind them of things that non-ADHD people, like me, can remember without, shall we say, “technological assistance.” Or, adults will also put up sticky notes at the locations where these reminders are needed. Even kids at traditional schools can use post-its at their desks. But for Lenny, this doesn’t apply. So maybe, if we can identify areas of the yard where certain problems happen consistently, and other areas of the yard, where different problems happen consistently, maybe we can put up a little sign, or a sticker, or a poop emoji picture that will catch his eye, and serve as a reminder. In fact, this leads me to another revelation I recently had about these reminders…
I used to think that, when teachers are around, Lenny respects limits more because he fears the consequences if he doesn’t – he figures, I used to think, that the teachers will see Lenny creating a problem, and they’ll get upset, so he’s more on guard when they’re watching. However, in light of the recent incident that I mentioned above (and many others like it), I’m starting to rethink this. While that still may be true, I think this is more likely: Lack of teachers’ eyes on him doesn’t cause him to actively think, “Oh, now’s my chance to do what I’m not supposed to!” Rather, lack of teachers’ eyes on him give him no reminder to recall that he’s not supposed to do it. When he notices teachers watching, he doesn’t restrain himself because he fears consequences, he restrains himself because noticing the teachers’ eyes remind him to.
I don’t know, maybe big googly eyes stuck to a nearby fence would serve as a similar reminder when teachers’ eyes aren’t there? Either way, Lenny asked me to table this for the time being. He’s embarrassed to have to be the only kid with visual reminders around the yard, but I made it clear to him that if these things continue, we’re going to have to try the reminders, and that we’ll try them in a way that doesn’t single him out, but rather, applies to “the school” rather than just “to him.” So, I would just ask the teachers – if these reminders become necessary, which I think they probably will – to please discuss with Lenny beforehand, and implement in a way that he’s comfortable with and not embarrassed by.
(4) Now, I touched upon this fourth point earlier, but I wanted to address it in more detail here: And that’s the point about tapering Lenny onto and off of different medications that we may try. Of course, the other kids won’t know when this is happening, but I’ve asked Marlon to at least please let all of the teachers know when it is, so that, hopefully, all of you can please extend your already generous patience a bit further anytime this is happening. As many of you know, problems were heightened a handful of weeks ago. What you may not have known, or had full color on, is that these heightened problems coincided exactly with tapering Lenny onto Ritalin, and then back off of it again, one week later, when it didn’t work. This led to some problematic habits, and even when Lenny had fully tapered off of Ritalin, it still took a few more days to fully break these habits and get back to his pre-Ritalin, on-Guanfacine self.
But during this “period of Ritalin,” there were more problems, and the school’s tolerance got very low, and Lenny felt very punished for actions that were, unknown-to-him, caused by chemical reactions that we – more or less – forced on him, against his will, with pills. And for that, I feel terrible; yes, the recipient children were also treated unfairly, of course, but I also think this was unfair to Lenny, for him to feel “less than” for a root cause (i.e. Ritalin) that was implemented by us. To continue to try to improve his experience, and the other children’s experiences, and the teachers’ experiences, we’re going to try to work with Lenny’s psychiatrist to experiment with new medications and dosages, but it’s likely that some of them won’t work at all, and that others might make things worse, just like the Ritalin did. And so, in the future, when this happens, now that you have this understanding, I really hope that you’ll please expand your already-vast tolerance just a little bit further, knowing that, in those situations, it really is the meds, and not the kid.
(5) And finally, there’s this fifth point I mentioned at the beginning – this point that Marlon had brought up with me: That it would benefit us all to help him empathize, so that perhaps some of the impulses dissipate, and then the reminders of those situations aren’t necessary. Well, guess what – empathy is also a component of executive function, and Lenny has EFD, Executive Function Disorder, better and inaccurately known as ADHD. So, even though I love the idea, I’m just not sure it’s going to be likely, or even possible, that this will work. But as long as we approach it gently, careful to not make him feel less than if he can’t do it, I certainly see no harm in trying. All of you are better trained than I am in helping children empathize with others, so I’ll follow your lead on this.
And really, that’s about it for now. Again, I really want to thank all of you SO MUCH for being SO PATIENT in ways that most other people just aren’t. The fact that you’ve even watched this entire video, with my ugly mug rambling, lets me know that you care about Lenny more than almost anyone else does. I think that if we can all remember to gently and discretely treat his ADHD as a disability, and not make him feel inferior for its symptoms – especially memory, and help him with discrete reminders, and be a bit more patient when we’re trying new meds, and help him with empathy – even though that might not work – if we try all of these things, life will be easier, and just more fun, for everyone, including all of the kids. So, thank you again, and if you want to ask me any questions, or discuss any of this with me, please feel free to call me anytime. My phone number is 555-555-5555. Thanks again!

It’s Memorial Day 2023 and at my job sitting in my office as the store manager of a retail box chain. The couple deployments in the big green uniform during the mid 2000’s cross my mind only once or twice and I cant decide how I feel about that. With the old big 40th birthday not but but a couple years around the corner, the southern beach town where i live and spent most of my childhood hasn't quite woken up yet. But here i am feeling something I hadn't felt in a long time. I feel surreal. That or I’m in shock.
I confronted my narc over her lack of commitment last weekend, after another game of midnight twister. Twister never was a issue with us, probably some of the best games ever played. Yall get it.
We have been in this long slow death spiral for over a year now but this feels like the end. I demanded to know why I was good enough to fuck but not good enough to be in a relationship. She spouted off about some lie she made up that i told. Then last Thursday, she again ask me to come over. I stand my ground and say no, that if I’m not good enough to tell your ex fiancé that i exist then I’m not having sex with you. Friday I look on Facebook and she hadn’t blocked me again but here’s she’s posting a picture of her packed truck headed where? You guess it……the northern state where “ex-fiancé” lives. You gotta be shitting me what’s wrong with this lady ? How long had that been planned and she left without saying a word. By now I’ve gotten to be an expert detective among other things. She's from a northern state The fiancé had lived with her down here a few years before moving back. Evidently She always went to enormous lengths to keep me away from the rest of her life. Now the whole house of cards is falling down. I basically call her a liar that there is nothing on between them. She went up there to help a relative move a few weeks back didn’t answer a single call or text all weekend. Completely ignored me. He was there with them the whole time. I asked why did the engagement end years back? Her answer left me utterly astonished. “I just didn’t love him like i I should have.” What the fuck does that mean? Whys he still around? Tell me all the whole truth. That was Friday and communication ended immediately and haven’t heard from her since. She hadn’t blocked me yet but will not respond. .Just silence as I slowly realized that every single thing she told me was all a lie. All the crazy accusations out of now where, all the lies she’s told her family about me were all in fact things she’d done to others or was doing to me. I learned early on in this what "projection" meant and the first time I told her I think she was doing it , she counter punched like she been holding a UNO reverse card up her sleeve. As the full weight of who this person actually was hit me, everything spiraled for me into the worst feeling of betrayal and despair I’d ever felt. This woman that i loved more than I’ve ever loved the one who promised me so many bullshit promises. The one who claimed to my friend and would never leave , had finally evolved into something i didn’t recognize. Something that was evil and dangerous. Boy i was so naive.
Let me tell you how this all began. We were both employed at the same outlet mall. I am in my mid late 30’s , she’s a bit older than me. Early mid 50’s. Blonde. Not a lot but enough tattoos and piercings to make you look twice. She was no super model but her body always had kinda driven me crazy.Right curves in all th right places. But the age difference could raise a eye nethertheless, I had always kinda had a crush on this lady but never really made a move. Just couldn’t draw up a play. Life went by and I eventually found my self living in what looking back was my PARADISE. My parents divorced in my early teens and my little brother and sister and I kinda never gained a sense of direction for many years. I found mine on a bus to to Fort Benning. If I was going to be in the Army, I couldn't tall the future grandkids i had that i changed the oil on humvees. It was Infantry for me and with 2 years of hugging my mom bye I found my self in Nuristan Province, Afghanistan. It was every thing you imagined it could be and more and i still sometimes kind of think to myself you went through some shit over there in the valley that 98% of people would never even dream of doing. And made it out relativity unscathed . Couple busted lips and a good old TBI to take with you but soldier on. My career really started trending upward after the first tour ended and I began dating a girl from near my hometown. Not too long after that we get married on the courhouse steps out of fear the next phone call could be a mission. 5 months later my convoy is just stepping outside the wire when the Red Cross Message comes in. Car Crash. Your wife. Her brother. Drunk driver crossed center line. Hit them head one while they were stopped at rural stop sign. No survivors. That's the first time my soul detached from my body.

The army at the time was big on taking these resiliency classes and preaching resiliency and over the years it kinda became my mantra. Life went on and seemed like I had made something out of myself I became engaged to beautiful woman who had been through thick and thin with me the past few years. She was what we call "good people " down here. She absolutely adored me and was totally out of my league. Grew up in the Florida Keys, ACC Division 1 Athlete, she made life look easy. We had a 2 story house at the end of the cul de sac. We had a large group of friends. She was the Coach of the church dance squad, I willed that softball team to 2 consecutive "playoff" appearances. Life was good.
Then about 5 or 6 months before our wedding date her first, my second chance, and that's when this our story here really kicks off. By the way huge southern wedding. It was amazing even though i was becoming stressed about all the constant planning, I had finally been promoted to management and was becoming burnt out. This lady,who would become my narc, these blonde hair woman with a free spirit who I'd known for some years ,one day she just, she just looked different. I can't describe it but there was something drawing me in that I felt powerless to stop. I remember the first time we locked eyes, we just held the stare for what seemed like forever until we were both out of breath and then looked at each like "WTF was that" I felt like electricity flowing through my body. A few weeks go by and we starting to find ways to be closer to each other until one day our hands actually grazed and it felt like every nerve in my body exploded. Life as I knew it at least, effectively ended that day. She had her hooks in. Didn't take me long find my self sneaking out the house in the middle of the night into her bedroom. The passion, the intensity was so great that I thought there's no way that cant be real. It was the most intense thing I'd ever experienced. I was totally wrapped before too long. As the wedding date loomed and my fiance became more and more suspicious, the narc would start planting these fantasies of how we could be together. Oh yea she was totally aware I was taken. We could buy a camper go out west raise goats. Runaway together...it sounded good. We spent our days fantasizing about running away together and staring into each others eyes. In the back of my head I already felt like this was my person. What do I do? Looking back those were that last days of innocence. I had no idea what was to become. My narc had all but flat out said if you want me you know what you have to do. The wedding comes and it the best day of my life. I do a pretty good job of not thinking about the narc. We actually go a whole week without seeing each or speaking. I almost thought to myself , " Well you' ve done a really shitty thing but your married to a really good woman so lets move on as best we can.
I lasted 3 weeks.
My narc tells me that as long as I am living under a roof with my wife, she will have nothing to do with me. Next thing you know I'm standing in our kitchen with my bags in my hands and the stupidest look on my face. I still cant explain why but the draw to this narc woman had me powerless. My poor wife lets me go she still doesnt know for sure whats going on and I tell her I just need some time I'm staying with a friend. I shack up with the narc and for the next week things are good. all things considered. This is around the time where I start to blow through red flags like I'm in a stolen Ferrari on Miami Blvd. The narc has family coming down from up north, a baby shower for one of the narcs daughters. The fact that narc is a grandma never bothered me. this is the first time hear abut the ex. Hes not the father of her daughters but he "raised them" and they consider him pops. I was very shocked and didnt have a clue what to say when I was told I needed to find a place to stay for the next 2 weeks, not enough room for everyone. I landed on a friends couch utterly confused and when i heard her daughters and her screaming because my employee name tag had been found in narcs bed, somebody might see it , I should have run far and fast then. I eventually made my way home, walked in the door and broke down in tears confessing it all to my wife. She told me we can work through this we will go to counseling whatever it takes. The one thing that was non negotioable was i was to leave my job immeditaly. I felt helpless- I wanted my wife I was already missing my old life by then. But I was making more money than I'd ever imagined I would and I come up from square 1 seven years ago, how could I tell the man who hired me the GM who would become mentocoach figure to me? I just couldn't. Narc catches wind I'm back home and one morning I'm out in the middle of this mall and she comes beelining towards me and right into front of EVERYONE delivers a left jab, right hook combo that would have made Teddy Atlas proud. I didn't flinch or wince I simply dropped my head in shame, saying I deserved that while she runs off making this strange guttural crying/screaming noise. What was I supposed to do I had no where else to go? Knowing what I know now, I was witnessing r my first narc rage. Things eventually calm down over the next 3 weeks but my wife had grown tired of waiting. I was around this narc everyday. been She moved back to Florida, giving me a month to find a place to live. I haven't seen her or spoken to her since AND that's not my choice. I think about her almost everyday and honestly I'll never forgive myself for breaking her heart the way I did. She was innocent and never deserved this.
I cannot understate how woefully unprepared for this I was. I was extremely naive, I had no clue what narcissism meant, I thought it meant you liked to look at yourself in a mirror.I never realized the dangling of the carrot or the manipulation and the complete total inability to admit wrong or have any form of accountably all were tied together , at least until much later .Now my narc starts saying we can only be together if I have my own place. Next thing you know I've found one and moved in. Man these carrots are actually quite tasty. Now begins a looong 4 5 months where she would accuse me of cheating or lying or some reason for us to not be officially a couple. But she would keep a trove of men she flirted with on social media , go out with with i don't think she slept around but definitely wasn't right.The double standard from hell. Life became a constant cycle of hot cold hot cold to the point where at any given time I had zero idea of whether so considered us to be together at that time or single. One of her go to plays was to dare me to walk away, but by then my entire network of family and friends had really zero desire to have anything to do with me because they had all been at this very expensive wedding not even a few months ago. I found a place to rent further inland , a little place out in the country. She had isolated me now, I just didn't know it, and honestly by this point I was becoming more desperate and desperate to make us work. I've sacrificed everything because i truly truely believed in her and us. I would have done anything she asked and i many times I did. Midway into last fall, I started noticing things that I dunno made me notice things. Something wasn't right.

1. She never once not one time ever said those 3 words. I love you I said them every time we got off the phone. To this day I've never heard her say it
   
2. Every holiday, every single one she would find a reason where I wasnt allowed to come over and be with her and her family. LIttle did I know the smear campaign was starting to fire on all cylinders.
   
3. The accusations of lying and or doing something I wasn't supposed to were becoming more frequent yet even when I would prove to her I was telling the truth, she never once has has said I'm sorry , I was wrong.
   

Red flags are more like advisories right?
Things progressed to the point where I start going to counseling/therapy because she has me so convinced I'm bad person. She accuses me of not going to appointments even when I Facetime her sitting beside the doctor. It amazes me to this day that no one could see her true colors. She is so good its downright dangerous.
I spent Christmas this year completely alone. She had her family and the usual flock of buzzards, hang arounds. By now I was getting the stretches of silent treatment. I was at my lowest of lows, Isolated, alone, lonely .......going down a dark road real fast. Same pattern of discard bring you back discard. I didn't even know who i was anymore by this point i was losing weight. I could hear the people whispering. She was killing me from the inside.
One thing finally happened that I'll never forget as long as I live. Her birthday had come aroud and since my narc conviently found a reasson as to why I couldn't come I begged for her to take the presents I had gottten with her. She put them in her car and drove away. I didnt think about it again until a week /later, I walking out the back door at work and here she is, at the dumpsters throwing the still wrapped birthday presents. I ask her what the hell? you didnt give them to her? What the hell ? WTF?? The answer I got as she looked me dead in the eyes sent a cold chill down my spine.
"I didn't give her the presents because I figured you would try to take em back just to hurt her." Stunned I muttered with what I am now sure was a face full of shock and disgust..."Honey she is 5 years old." I truly shocked me that a human would think of such a horrible scenario.
​
I didnt speak to my narc for a couple days after that. Another week, another brand new hot shot therapist looking for save the world. I have never been comfortable with the idea of therapy, I have too much man macho I guess. Its just always kinda been taboo. Nevertheless I finshed jabbering and she immediatly reaches in her desk and passed me a little pamplet. "Read this" she says. I look down -"What is a narcissist and are you in a relationship with one? By the time i finshed reading it, I was straight ugly crying on her floor. It felt like a MAC truck hit me square in the sternum. I was devestated. Literllaly every single bullet point I could point at and say yes. Its like hamy narc had this pamplet memorized and was running it like a well oiled machine. It finally was all making sense. Maybe Im not a horrible person after all?
I began to distance myself from her at this point and she went the tried and true method of total discard which inevidebly turned into full blown lovebombing which would lead to a steamy night together which she would then sabatoge. Rinse, wash repeat. The first trip back home she took I never could get a answer as to why i was ignored all weekend, she made me ignore her how dare you ask forget it happened. Same ol bs. Whch brings us back to today where this story began. I finally concluded that this is how every relanship my narc has ever had has been like this. Alll family turmoil ....it all made even more sense. Her lies have become near constant and I realized the first thing she ever said to me was a lie. Not only do I think I'm begginning understand what she is and what I became to her, I think she could be one of most dangerous kinds of these individuals the world has ever seen. She is still somewhat popular, nobody around her would ever have a clue. But I can see through it now. And she will never change because I have finally accepted the fact that she psychsilly cannot change. Her brain cant evem acklowdge things like being wrong. It breaks my heart that i feel so in love with someone who is incabple of love and thats when I realized I have to walk away.
This ended up being way more than I expected but once i started typing it just kept flowing out. I guess her spidey sense must have gone off because within the last hour she has began sending me messages on social media. Not her phone no but social media.
I replied simply are you going to ignore the elephant sitting over there?
​
​
She replies "What are you talking about?"
-
She cannot change.
​
I think I will struggle with this past year and a half for the rest of my life. This was something I was totally unprepared for. I think I can see light glimmering on the horizon and I feel grateful to understand what actually happened and I could have very easily given up, succumbed in, but I survived it.
It is what people like us do. We pick up the pieces, dust the dirt off and keep going.
Yesterday was yesterday
Tomorrow is a brand new sun.
​
Also one last thing.....if your ever feeling down or sorry for yourself give u/StickFigure a listen. I don't think I'd be here if weren't for his music. He literally saved me life.
​
​
Ramble over good night

Cover Art!
Just because you’re transported to another world, doesn’t mean you’ll escape from your pain.
Abused by her parents, thirteen-year-old Frances only wants to be safe and for her life not to hurt so much. And when she and her class are transported to the magical world of Durannon to fight the monsters invading the human kingdoms and defeat the self-titled Demon King, Frances is presented with a golden opportunity. If she succeeds, Frances will have the home she never had. If she fails, Frances will be summoned back to the home she escaped.
Yet, despite her newfound magic and friends, Frances finds that trauma is not so easily lost. She is dogged by her abuse and its physical and invisible scars. Not only does she have to learn magic, she has to survive the nightmares of her past, and wrestle with her feelings of doubt and self-loathing.
If she can heal from her trauma, though, she might be able to defeat the Demon King and maybe, just maybe, she can find a home for herself.
Teaser: The Traditionalists last stand...
[The Beginning] [<=Chapter 188] [Chapter Index and Blurb] [Chapter 189 on June 5 or now on patreon]
The Fractured Song Index
Discord Channel Just let me know when you arrive in the server that you’re a Patreon so you can access your special channel.
The first sign that something wasn’t quite the same about the Greenway was when Frances, Timur and their company spotted horsemen in the far distance. They would have assumed this was Thorgoth’s scouts, but these horsemen retreated toward the Greenway and entered into the broken fortifications.
So the group entered into the Greenway fully armored and armed, ready for a fight. They rode into the underground highway, travelled for a full second day and saw nothing the matter.
Then they entered Kairon Aoun.
The ancient goblin city of Kairon Aoun had been built as a defensive city facing north. As such, the city in the great cavern it was carved out of was stepped into four tiers. To access each of the levels, the attacker would have to fight their way up a ramp that ran up the side of the rammed-earth foundation of each tier.
Every tier’s edge was also faced with a brick curtain wall with machicolations built into the ramparts. This was so that stones and other objects could be dropped, wherein they would fall down the steeply stoped sides and slam into the attackers. Many of these ramparts had fallen into disrepair when Morgan, Hattie and Frances had last passed through here.
Except, the moment Frances and her company rode through the Greenway and into the city, they could see it was alive with activity. New ramparts were being built atop of the old. In the distance, they could see old houses had been demolished and cannon batteries had been set up. Holes in the walls were being patched.
“What’s even lighting this whole thing?” Tara whispered.
Morgan pointed at the ceiling. “The ventilation shafts provide some light. I’m not sure how they ended up lighting the entire place up, though.”
“Combination of mirrors through said shafts and a goodly amount of torches,” said Timur. He glanced at Frances. “Did you know about this?”
“No I did not, let’s hope they recognize us as friendly. Colonel Tara, we’ll take the lead,” said Frances, touching her heels to her horse.
The gatehouse on the lowest level, which was protected by a low, thick wall, now swung open and a wing of cavalry rode out, Erisdalian and Lightning Battalion standards flying high.
Timur immediately recognized the troll that lead the group. “Aloudin! It’s me! We’re back!”
Captain Aloudin, eyes wide, broke his horse into a gallop. Riding ahead of the cavalry, he only stopped so that he could slap his hand into Timur’s. “Your Highness, it is good to see you. Though, you really ought not to take such risks! Who are these new arrivals?”
The prince chuckled, squeezing his friend’s hand tightly. “One of those rumored orphan brigades who decided to defect.” Timur gestured behind him. “This is Colonel Tara, who risked her life along with her troops to help us escape.”
Riding up, Tara unsheathed her saber, which she presented it to Aloudin, only for the troll to gently push it back to her.
“There’s no need for that, Colonel. We do things quite differently around here.”
Tara sighed, returning her blade to her scabbard. “I’m beginning to see that. Makes me wonder why I didn’t try to leave earlier.”
“The first step is always the hardest,” said Frances. She shook Aloudin’s hand as well. “What’s going on here, Aloudin? I know our long term goal was to fortify Kairon-Aoun, but we hadn’t the manpower to spare.”
The captain pursed his lips before they twisted into something between a grimace and a smirk. “We got some important news and new orders. I’ll show you. Follow me.”
One thing that Ayax and Elizabeth hadn’t accounted for when they ran up into the attic was the lack of a water source, and any way to dispose of waste.
So by the next day of their hiding, the trio stuck in the attack were wearing cloth masks, thirsty as hell, and hoping the odor wasn’t going to alert anybody.
“This shit stinks,” Leila growled.
Elizabeth touched a hand to Leila’s cheek. The girl’s color had returned and after some very reluctant healing by Ayax, she was now able to sit up. “You’re right, but I think you’re much better now.”
“I feel better.” Leila staggered to her feet, pushing the covers off of her. “Does Janize know you found me?”
Ayax snorted. “We told her while you were napping. She’s pissed.” The troll walked over. “Do you think you’re ready to move?”
“I take it you’ve come up with something?” Leila asked.
Elizabeth pursed her lips. “Yes. You need to convince Janice we need to launch the attack now.”
“Excuse me what? Are you insane? We haven’t—” Leila rubbed her sweat-matted hair with her bandaged hands. “Wait, how long have I been captured?’
“ A week. You were out for one of those days,” said Ayax.
“Then you’re right. Darius will have to make a move now that he knows I’ve disappeared. Wait, Janize doesn’t—Of course she doens’t. She’s cautious by nature. Get her on the mirror right now!”
“You could use please,” said Elizabeth, handing Leila her mirror.
“Leila—”
“Janize, there’s no time. You need to barricade yourself in a safe place with as many guards as possible, perhaps the throneroom and get the attack started by tonight.”
Frowning, the queen’s eyes narrowed as she stared at the mirror with a mixture of confusion. “Love, we haven’t finished preparing—”
“There’s no time! Darius and Scarlet know I’ve been rescued. They’ll attack as soon as they get everything in order because they know you can move to arrest them!” Leila put her hands up to the mirror. “Love, they’ll stop at nothing until you’re dead.”
Janize’s eyes widened and she whispered, “What did they—”
“It doesn’t matter, Janize. Please, you need to issue the orders now!”
The queen exhaled slowly. “Alright. Ayax, Elizabeth, are your forces in place?”
Elizabeth, relaxing a little, smiled. “Martin and Ginger found a way to get to the Water Tower and to deploy reinforcements into the palace. We still need your troops to ensure the Water Tower’s guns are silent and for the main gates of the citadel to be opened to us.”
“It will be done. How are you getting out of Darius’s mansion?” Janize asked.
“When the attack takes place we’ll break out and support the attack,” said Ayax, arms crossed.
Janize pursed her lips. “Then we are going for tonight?”
The three exchanged a glance and all nodded.
“Go for tonight,” said Elizabeth. “Good hunting.”
“Good hunting.” Janize leaned forward, peering intently through the mirror. “Leila, stay alive. No matter what they did to you, you’re still mine you hear me? I still want you by my side.”
Leila blinked. She blinked again furiously and pressed her bandaged hands to her eyes. “I…Janize, thank you.”
Janize smiled. “I love you, dear. See you soon.”
Ayax had turned from the exchange. When the mirror was shut off, she let out a long, shuddering exhale.
“You are terribly lucky to have her,” she said.
Standing up, Elizabeth took Ayax’s elbow, squeezing it gently. The troll placed a hand around Elizabeth’s side, hugging her tightly.
Leila could only bow her head. “I know.”
“Because I probably would have killed you if it weren’t for her,” hissed the troll. She swallowed. “And not because of our agreement.”
The Otherworlder looked up. “Why then?”
Biting her lip Ayax stammered, “I couldn’t kill someone who doesn’t want to hurt me when they have a loved one. There’s no…no justice in that.”
With that, Ayax walked to the corner of the attack. Elizabeth gave Leila a look. “When you’re ready, we ought to call George and the Otherworlders, give them a heads up and communicate our plans.” Elizabeth then ran after Ayax, interweaving her fingers with the troll. They left Leila standing in her corner, in her own thoughts.
Half-choking, her hate-filled grunts punctuated by hacking coughs, Jessica followed Ginger down the sewer.
“I hate you. I hate you so fucking much!” she hissed.
Half-gagging herself from the smell, Ginger glanced over her shoulder and shrugged. “Hey, I just suggested it to you. You wanted to help rescue Leila.”
Two middle-fingers was Jessica’s response along with a chuckle from the Erisdalians that were part of Jessica’s unit and new band of comrades.
Ginger joined them in their chuckling. She knew she could rely on Jessica and the rest of her group. Besides, their attack was going to be much easier than what her fiance was going to be doing up high.
Taking cover behind a slightly holed house, Martin examined the area in front of the citadel.
The Lightning Battalion’s batteries had been keeping up a very long barrage. Mortars and long cannon had pounded the makeshift defense line of houses on Castle Way. After hours of bombardment, they’d breached the line.
The result was flat, rubble-covered broken ground that led up to the moat in front of the citadel and main palace within. They had no hope of knocking down every house. Houses still stood on the flanks of the Citadel, covering the road that led up to the castle’s side gate. There were also a number of houses standing on the main approach, though, this actually was better for their plans. The remaining stone foundations of the houses and charred remains in the gap would be able to cover the advance.
The bigger problem was the walls in front of them were mostly intact and the gatehouse’s drawbridge was up. Their mages could cast smoke or illusion spells to screen their approach, but that would do no good if the drawbridge was still up and the gatehouse in enemy hands.
Martin breathed in and out slowly. No, they were entirely reliant on Janize keeping up her end of the bargain.
Sitting in the throne room, Janize steepled her fingers, eyes focused on the steps to the dais.
Was her decision correct? Was she making the right choice? Had she considered everything?
Those thoughts ran in her head as she studied the carpet. The sounds of her guards and knights preparing the throne room and ensuring the main entrance was secured echoed in her ear. Yet she did her best to ignore them.
If she went through with this, she knew she’d never sit on Erisdale’s throne again. Her brother would be the last to sit on the throne and then it would be House of Conthwaite, the house of a knight and later, his offspring with a common soldier.
How had it come to this? Why had she put herself here?
The image of a fierce Otherworlder came to mind, along with the litany of decisions she’d made. Siding with Darius, rejecting the Alavari as monsters, falling in love and then realizing where she’d gone wrong. The news of the dragons in Thorgoth’s employ.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe there was still hope. At the very least, she still had Leila.
The Otherworlder, George marched up to the dais and bowed. “Your Majesty, we’re ready to open the gates. The Water Tower’s received their orders.”
Janize sighed. “To think that there was a route to the citadel through the sewers.”
George chuckled. “At least we’re making them suffer for it.”
The queen pursed her lips. “Tell me, George. You fought against Ayax and Elizabeth at Lehrbach. You sided against them. All the Otherworlders here sided against them. Why are you willing to fight alongside them once again?”
The teen—no, young man looked away, towards the windows that lit the hall.
“I think after a year of fighting with Darius in earnest, we all realized we’d made a mistake. We’re not from your world, but we learnt enough in our own that this… what Darius was doing is wrong and no different from the worst villains from our world. We weren’t fighting Alavari, we were fighting other humans. We just…didn’t know what to do about it. So when you and Leila told us about the plan, and that we would have a chance to actually fight Thorgoth, to protect people from a world ending threat, we all jumped on it.”
Janize snorted. “You’re going to have a heck of a time convincing the other Otherworlders.”
George sighed. “We all know that, but hey, they are going to need us. I mean we are going to be fighting literal dragons.”
“That is true.” Janize closed her eyes and nodded. “Carry it out, George. Get those gates open and signal the Water Tower.”
George saluted. “Yes, Your Majesty. It’s been an honor and a pleasure.”
Through her spyglass, wrapped warmly in her bright orange cloak, the Erlenbergian mage, Ophelia Voidsailor watched the coast with her spyglass.
Despite the years Erlenberg had fought Alavaria along the northern front, and through all the naval battles on the eastern coast, Ophelia still wore orange. It’d become her calling card of sorts and she knew it gave the crew of her ship comfort to see her strut around. Honestly, she was getting a little tired of the color, but she liked the attention more.
Beside her, looking through his own spyglass, the one-eyed Eustace Windwhistler glanced at the sky. “It’s about time,” said Edana’s brother.
“I know—I see it!” Ophelia exclaimed. Before her eyes, the Water Tower, the main obstacle to the Erlenbergian fleets advance, had lowered the red banner of the traditionalist. A blue banner was being run up and more blue flares were being fired into the sky by some mage.
Eustace looked through his spyglass and nodded. “Signal to the fleet! Follow my lead. We are attacking!”
Flags ran up and down on the galloen Stormcaller, which had been named as such much to her namesake’s consternation and embarrassment. Behind Eustace and Ophelia’s warship, the long lineof Erlenbergian ships of the line ran flags up and down in acknowledgement. The entire line then followed the Stormcaller as it swung starboard toward the bay.
Underneath the Water Tower, Ginger found a ladder had been dropped into the sewer. Gingerly taking the rungs, she climbed up and was helped up by several red-uniformed harbour guardsmen. A petite woman with a musket slung over her shoulder handed Ginger a clean rag.
“Wow you stink, but I’m glad to see you. Captain Belinda of the Harbour Guard.”
“Ginger, yes, that Ginger. Are Darius’s troops reacting?”
“They are indeed. Several regiments have filed out of the Citadel and are making their way here as we speak. How many have you brought?” Belinda asked.
“A whole regiment of crack musketeers are behind me to help you secure the tower. The Erlenbergian fleet is landing marines. We’ll be fine, I’m just worried about the main assault,” said Ginger. She wiped her face and hands. “Show me the battlements. I’ll get my soldiers set up along with yours.”
“This way,” said Belinda, guiding Ginger out.
Ayax and Elizabeth silently crept down the drop-down attic stairs. Behind them, carrying a spare wand, Leila limped as quietly as she could. They could hear shouting in the mansion and the scurrying of people on the lower floors.
The trio paused to quickly grab a drink of water from a nearby pitcher left by the servants for any houseguests, before continuing on. From what they could tell, someone was having a heated discussion in the foye.
As they got closer to the staircase, they soon could figure out who.
“Janize is making her move and the Lightning Battalion must be close behind. The Erlenbergian fleet is moving in and the Water Tower is not firing on them.”
“There’s no need to panic—” “Scarlet, your fucking plan has accelerated Janize and the Lightning Battalion’s timetable! We’re fucked. We’re all probably dead.”
There was a sharp intake of breath. The three heard Scarlet growl, “Alright, I was…overly optimistic that the Lightning Battalion and Janize would split due to that report, but we only need to secure Janize and the Citadel and our position will still be quite strong.”
“I disagree, but Janize won’t have long. My troops led by Vulpina are converging on the throne room as we speak. Otherworlders or not, she can’t hold for long.” Darius chuckled dryly. “We might all die in the attempt to oust her, and hell she may be killed, but we won’t let her have the last laugh.”
Ayax turned to the two humans with her. “Liz, Leila, go. I’ll try to pin them down here.”
Elizabeth blinked. “Wait, but Ayax—”
“Liz, if we lose Janize, we’ll lose the civil war. You got to go.”
Elizabeth briefly closed her eyes and nodded. Grabbing onto Ayax, she drew her troll close to her and into a brief, fierce kiss. “Come back to me, alright?”
Ayax managed a smirk. “Always.”
Elizabeth turned to Leila. “Let’s go—what are you—” The Otherworlder had knelt on the ground her head bowed.
“Ayax, I’m sorry. I promise you can do whatever you want to me after you save Janize, but please, let me save her first,” said Leila, she lowered her head, but Ayax quickly grabbed her by the shirt and yanked her up. It was easy as the girl was still very light.
“This is not the time. I accept your promise, but we’ll talk later. Now go!” Ayax hissed.
Nodding, Elizabeth grabbed Leila and the pair took off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, Ayax took a deep breath and walked up toward the balcony overlooking the foye.
Darius was pacing, whilst Scarlet was biting her finger, one hand gripped tightly around her staff.
“What if they breach the gatehouse?” Scarlet asked.
“There’s no way that force assembling outside can breach the gatehouse. They’ll need—”
“Earl Darius, Master Scarlet, I have waited a long time for this moment.” Ayax leaned casually against the railing, noting the fine, polished grain. “Do you know who I am?”
Darius, eyes staring up at her, took a step back. “Ayax the Blackgale.”
“Daughter of Allaniel the Valorous, who you had murdered,” Ayax hissed.
Scarlet ripped her heavy cloak off and gripped her staff in both hands, which had a number of rings on the fingers. Her eyes narrowed at Ayax. “So it was you who rescued Leila. I thought you would kill her.”
“You certainly tempted me, but she was just the instrument. It was you two who had my parents killed.” Raising her staff, Ayax growled. “Prepare to die.”
Scarlet waved the earl off. “Darius, go, deal with Janize. I can handle her.”
Darius arched an eyebrow even as he grabbed the main door’s handle. “Are you sure?”
Scarlet smirked. “She’s no Frances Stormcaller. Just an angry little troll.”
“I’m a pissed off troll.” Ayax leapt over the railing, throwing several spell cards at Scarlet. The woman waved her hand, magical rings activating to form a barrier. The cards slammed into it, sparking and banging. It would have knocked her back, but the barrier dissipated the force.
No matter, Ayax landed nimbly on the carpet and whirling her staff, slammed it into Scarlet’s barrier. Darius had run for it, slamming the doors behind him. Ayaxs’s blow sent Scarlet smashing through those closed doors, nearly throwing her onto Darius.
The Red Order Mage picked herself off the grown, dusting off her robes. “Ah I see the familial resemblance now you monster. You and your adoptive ‘cousin’ are just fucking irritating.”
Ayax was about to quip back, but found herself pursing her lips as a thought ran through her head. “You know, if you were just a little nicer, just a bit more understanding, you could have gotten along with Frances. It’s really hard to not get along with her.”
Scarlet’s snarl faded and she grimaced. “She wouldn’t have been my student, but Edana’s. Now are you going to kill me, Blackgale, one of the people who helped murder your parents, or are you going to talk me to death?”
Ayax flinched, feeling the swirling vortex of power bubble in her very core as her fury sparked. At the same time, a serene, piercing idea just echoed through her head. It was not really a revelation, more of an observation she’d noticed about Leila, Darius and now Scarlet.
“You all are awfully insistent on dying. Why don’t you all just…give up? Live?” Ayax asked. The pair were circling now, ready to let loose with spells at any sign of weakness or an opening.
Scarlet snorted. “Would you let me and Darius live?”
Ayax paused, watching Scarlet continue to circle. When the troll didn’t move, only followed her with her eyes, the mage stopped and tried to circle in the other direction. Still Ayax didn’t move, she just remained still, staff at the ready.
“If you all surrendered and submitted to a trial, I would,” said Ayax. There was still turmoil, rage, roiling in her heart. Yet, she was starting to feel another emotion that calmed her, despite how odd it felt.
The Red Order Mage blinked, before she sneered. “Then you are a naive fool.” She twirled her staff, the ends bursting into flame as she sang. Fireballs tore toward Ayax.
The troll dodged, not flamboyantly. She just stepped out of the way, shuffling and stepping from side to side. No fancy shielding required, no complicated jumps needed. Scarlet cast, and continued to cast. Whips of crimson magic were followed by cobblestones torn from the road. Ayax had to briefly block those with a quick shield, before twisting out of the way.
Shifting her grip on her staff, Ayax pulled her weapon to her side, as if she was drawing a sword. Crying out a string of Word of Powers, she whipped it across.
The staff suddenly extended, dark-blue magic lengthening it until a incredibly long, thin rod of magic crashed into Scarlet’s side. It sent her tumbling through a hedge and onto the lawn of Darius’s mansion.
Leaping over said hedgerow, Ayax rolled to a perfect landing on the other side. Scarlet had staggered to her feet, wiping blood from the scratches on her arm and face. She was already wincing as she touched her side.
Ayax thought she would be taking pleasure from this. Well, part of her was. She was happy she was kicking Scarlet’s butt. Yet, the part of her that was choosing to be calm, to think and be a good person felt an entirely different emotion.
Pity.
Pity for how pointless this whole battle was, pity for how this woman and her allies had hurt so many and seemed so unhappy with their lives. There was disgust and anger, and yet when Ayax thought about what she had, and what Scarlet lacked, she found that anger seeping away.
“Scarlet, this is your last chance. Surrender now,” said Ayax.
“To you? Not to Edana Firehand, or even Frances Stormcaller? But to their lackey? A second-rate battle mage?” Scarlet spat on the ground and raised her staff again. “I’d rather fucking die.”
The troll sighed. “So be it.”
Author’s Note: Ayax is getting ahold of her anger. It hasn’t been easy to figure out how her feelings changed but I decided to approach it from the idea that she’s matured as a person and has started to take more perspectives, something that she’s always struggled with.

I love my girlfriend very very much. She is the most wonderful and kind person ever. Dating her is the greatest thing I have ever done with my life, and she is the best part of me.However. From first looks she is a bit of a stereotype of “girl your parents don’t want you to bring home”
She has dyed hair, tons of piercings, and tattoos. Things my parents are all very against. Not to mention she’s a bit of a stereotypical lesbian. While she is not what I imagined dating when I was younger, I have learned I love everything about her and who she is. I would never try and change her.
My mother however, definitely would. She constantly makes comments about how much she doesn’t like her tattoos and piercings. It’s gotten very old very fast.
The biggest issue is my girlfriends truck. She drives a red ford truck that she absolutely adores. Before we started dating, she decorated her truck with a ton of stickers. It’s a bit of a play on trucks with political stickers all over them. Some of these stickers either have “swear words” or overall nsfw phrasing. The worst are just one that says “bitch”, a joke about riding her ass, and one that says “if you can take a dick you can take a joke”. There are one or two more stickers that have more “bad” words on the inside of the truck.
My mother HATES this. She says it goes against her morals to have such things in public because she doesn’t want children to be able to read it.
Whenever my girlfriend comes to visit she makes her park backwards up our driveway so the neighbors can’t see. Plus when she comes to visit our town my mother insists we take my car instead, because she doesn’t want me seen in my girlfriend’s truck. She always talks about how “imagine if people saw you driving in such a vulgar truck” and most repeatedly “we didn’t raise you to be seen in a truck like that”
While I partially agree. They aren’t exactly my favorite thing (a small part of me isn’t a fan of any stickers on cars) and I do agree that children shouldn’t be exposed to a lot of swearing… I find I really don’t care, not to mention I know that once I was old enough to read I certainly knew swear words existed, and was actively hearing them in school… considering social media now I’m sure kids are introduced even younger.
My mother insists I get her to take the stickers off. However, I don’t want to make my girlfriend take them down since she likes them so much. I mentioned it to her before and she expressed it hurt her feelings that people wanted to change her. My mom has even cornered her and told her that her truck “isn’t her”
Now that I am living at home for the summer, my mother brings up how much she disagrees with the truck constantly. She also keeps mentioning that she thinks that my girlfriend is going to drive us apart. I don’t think she realizes that she’s the only one speaking negatively about anyone.
I’m to the point where I almost want to beg my girlfriend to take the stickers off even if she doesn’t want to. I am so sick of arguing with my mom. I don’t know what to do! Should I continue telling my mom off, or make my girlfriend remove the stickers? How do I talk to either of them in a way that shows I am DONE talking about this?

Hi
I created artwork for PoD with help of a fiverr person. When I use the png for stickers, it "shades in" the insides: https://snipboard.io/23bU4C.jpg.
I also use redbubble, and it doesn't do it there: https://www.redbubble.com/i/stickebroccoli-fists-by-pranaman/36407491.EJUG5?asc=u.
Seems I have to modify my file for it to work right. If so, what's the best way to do it?