Kona gave everyone a tour of his base. When he was done, it had become night. "It's nighttime, I recommend everyone gets a bit of sleep. We don't want to work on this project tired." Kona said. When everyone was asleep, a figure explored the lab and temple below. This figure is blended to look like Ron but yet isn't Ron. Kona saw this on his camera and grabbed his blowtorch. Kona went into the room Ron was sleeping in and used his blowtorch on Ron's hand. "OWW!!! What was that for?" Ron says as his hand was burnt. Kona responds "You went downstairs without permission. Of all it had to have been you." Kona remarked. "You fried my hand. Isn't that a bit much?" Ron asks. "Well, I guess I have been known for getting carried away in situations like this, but still you shouldn't have been down there." Kona replied. Ron was shown the footage and just ran outside where the swarm of infected grew. In the night Ron had abandoned everyone at Kona's house and started going on his own. The frigid temperatures were nothing for his suit and helped soothed his burn to the point where it just needed to physically heal. Some time later Annie and Duocara went down to the downstairs temple to clear the way for everyone. The first thing they encountered was the thousands year old pharaoh. His claws were long and sharp... He went straight for Annie. Annie tried her best to dodge the pharoah's blows. Duocara's face switched to it's blue sad state "Nobody touches friend..." Duocara said in his robotic voice. Ron was walking through a snowy forest when he found a couple of old Festive (or not so festive because this timeframe isn't anywhere near the holiday season) Cabins. Ron knocked on the door and an older wolf opened the door to greet him. "Wanda Wolf..." Ron said in awe and shock. "Yes it is me. It's been so long since the last we've met hasn't it?" She said admiring how long it's been. "You know when you officers locked me up in the slammer." Before Ron could respond to that, she said "Through my time in there, I've learned a few things. But the struggle of money was a big hassle. Regardless, I hope my children are doing well." Ron paused and asked "Willow and William?" "Correct, do you know what happened to them?" She asked. "I do but unfortunately nothing good." Ron told her. "William died and Willow as far as I know sacrificed herself to an infected." Ron says while taking his hat off and holding in in both hands in front of him, like what he did in front of Willow. "Well, before I loose myself, I want to show you to my friend." Wanda told him. Wanda and Ron walked into a room where there was an elderly tiger staring at a drawing. "What are you look at?" Ron asked the old tiger focuses his eyes on Ron. "It's a drawing my son made of himself, after I haven't heard much of him after he left." he answered. "What made him leave you? And what's your name?" Ron asks "My name's Tank and my son left us because of the things my wife did to him, I remember sneaking him out of the house when she was asleep because I didn't want to see him live life suffering like I did, we got him enlisted to the military and that's the last I've seen of him." He said you could tell he's being fully honest. At that moment Annie found what looked like Ron. With his head down and his back faced towards Annie then Annie says "Ron, there you are, why did you run off? It's okay to tell me anything and you know that." She said in her nice gentle voice. But the reaction she got wasn't so nice and gentle... At that time Kona came down to the temple to see what was going on. That's when he tapped a golem statue made it come to life. "Gryffyn, catch." The Ron-like being said and soon enough Annie and Kona had been picked up by the Gryffyn. Duocara saw this but the Ron-like entity pulled several gears out of Duocara's chest resulting in Duocara breaking. Eventually Annie and Kona were tied together and brought to a dangerous place... The military base of Outpost Echo. Hanging in the cave over a high edge Annie and Kona had be taken. Back at the cabins with Tank, Wanda, and Ron a full on military aircraft landed in the front. Where Commander Fergus hopped out and took Wanda and Ron to see Sgt. Monroe. "Well, what's this? Cop and criminal. We've been flying around for a while. Didn't think we'd see other survivors. Now, we got a distress call from Dr. Payton. The mission would be to get to him and get rid of all the infected." Sgt. Monroe says in his gruff and deep voice. It was then where Ron said "I think I'm feeling a bit queasy." before falling to the ground and blacked out. Purple spirals surrounded the scene. Ron saw Markus and then Dessa then Zizzy, Glenn, Willow, and Marley Russell surround him. "No, you lot are not real." Ron says denying what he sees. Out of all of them Dessa walks up to Ron and put her hand on his arm. "Come with us Ron." She says in a soothing voice that sounds a little chaotic Ron then blinks and all of his dead friends disappeared and TIO takes his position in front of Ron. "Ron..." TIO says. "I've been fascinated with you for a while. You humans are rather... Unique. You see, you nor Annie can't get infected." TIO continues. "And you're calling me unique... Take a look in a mirror." Ron responds. "I love making deals, deals nobody can forget. Look what has happened to Markus, Dessa, Zizzy, Glenn, Willow and Marley Russell." TIO says before talking a bit of a breath and then continues."Join me and we'll get the upper hand on the infection." He continued. "What makes you think I'd join someone like you?" Ron asked. "Why you..." Ron says in frustration as he woke up. He woke up in the military vehicle. "You fell sleep, no worries. You didn't miss much." Said Commander Fergus. Wanda and the Sargent talk about day-to-day lives. Ron walked up to the commander. "So, did you loose anyone near and dear to your heart, Commander Fergus? "Oy, I remember when the troops die to infection. So sad." It was the Ron noticed Commander Fergus' thick and Russian accent, "How about people like family? Maybe a friend you made?" Ron asked Commander Fergus and the commander answered "Oy, it's been so long since I've seen them. They're probably the infected now." Commander Fergus says, his expression being a bit sadder than before. Meanwhile Tigry and Delta led Doggy, Pony, Bunny, Laura, Katie, Mr. P, Sheepy, Torcher, Mimi, Giraffy, Shardantus, Silzous, UNIT-10, Robby, Georgie, and the twins to Outpost Echo. Tigry and Delta along with the other aforementioned personel arrive to Outpost Echo first, only to be greeted a cold welcome... The coldest welcome by Mr. Bliss. The living snowman caught Mimi by surprise but before he could attack, Mitch stopped him, it was living scarecrow vs. living snowman. Mr. Bliss was using his icesicle hand to Mitch's axe, Mr. Bliss then hopped on a building and then Glenn was summoned as shards of ice and crystal blocked the entrance. Mr. Bliss now holding Mitch by the neck while Glenn and the infected soldiers terrorize everyone. That's when Anteo (Another one of Dr. Payton's projects) enters the scene and holds Mr. Bliss by his ant hands, releasing Mitch that's when Mimi recognizes Mitch and gives him a hug. Glenn has cornered Bunny and Giraffy but then Glenn sinks to the ground. That's when the military vehicle arrives at the base opening to reveal Sargent Monroe, Commander Fergus, Ron, Wanda, and some living soldiers. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Sargent Monroe asks himself, "The king of Dolovia, some scientists, civilians and a bunch of deserters and a criminal." The sargent says while looking at everyone. "A serial killer and don't get me started on you..." Sgt. Monroe says while looking at Silzous and then Laura. Doggy was less focused on the military but wondering what Ron was doing with the military. "Ron! There you are. Where have you been? I missed you." Doggy asks. Ron explains it "So, I saw an odd version of myself on Kona's camera and went to blow off a bit of steam when I find a cabin where Wanda here was waiting for the infection to roll over." Meanwhile Shardantus asks the Military to give him and his friends access to the base's lab. Fergus pulls out a white key from his pocket and hands it to Shardantus. "Good luck with that cure. We'll handle things from up here for you. Tigry, Torcher, Delta, do you three mind? Rockets, petrol, and ammunition are plentiful in here." Said Sgt. Monroe. Sargent Monroe looked at Mimi and said "Mimi, it's been so long. Good luck in there." Mimi then responded "Thanks dad, and may the best of luck on blowing brains out of infected." She says while hugging him. In the cave they find Annie and Kona tied up dangling over a ledge. "Hey guys..." Annie says in bit of a struggling but also relieved to see everyone, Kona on the other hand is sleeping heavily. That's when everyone witnesses the other version of Ron appear even though the real Ron is standing between Doggy and Mimi. Ron then charges at the other version of himself and then Ron and his mimic got into a fight, punching, kicking one another. Kona woke up to the sound of Ron and the imposter Ron. The imposter Ron falls over and then a spirit or some sort of entity comes out of it. She flew herself over towards Annie and Kona. She hops into Annie and the imposter Ron disintegrates into nothingness while an imposter Annie falls to the ground on the opposite side of everyone else.
End of Article 22.
"Master would be proud of me. I'm making his distraction."
"No one can hear me down here and Anteo is gone. It doesn't matter, I have you to at least keep me company. Though you may be an infected... A darker, creepier infected... You have kept me company for this long."

These few days I been ranting, I hope nobody will bash me with words. It's okay to read my rant just don't push me down further as I don't even know how to lead in life with a smile, My heart feels so stigmatized, tight and heavy. Being born shortly after by my biological mom, some unverified reason happen between my mom and dad leads to divorce. I was very young back then, probably 3-5 years old and I can't talk as I have not yet learn how to, suddenly as this point of time writing this post, I can't believe how much time has passed, the last time I was a child, I felt small, my hands, legs, and there are less things I know about the world, I wasn't so upset or so depressed, but something wasn't feeling right, that love and emptiness I felt, even though I can't describe how it feels back then but subconsciously I miss my mom so much, I have only a memory left of my mom that before she abandoned me, my dad bring me to visit my mom once in awhile, ok very attached to my mom and would hug her everytime I see her. Even though like I said I can't speak, I enjoyed spending the short time with her at her house with my grand mother, I can no longer remember their faces, I know my mom was a very pretty lady wnd petite lady though she was short. She would buy DVDs something that genz won't understand, of Pokemon and digimon animes but back then I don't know it's an anime _(..)/ I could sit at the bedroom on the bed watching peacefully, I don't know what the story in Pokemon and digimon was about back then but the memory remains there till as I grow up with understanding of Pokemon I know what was the thing of memory I had. The two things I remembered was that Bulbasaur refused to evolve even though his species has all evolve, despite Venusaur wanted him to do so, he was so attached to its trainer and that love force him to remain the same which I do not know why maybe the fear to be no longer the same identity? The another was whereby ash, misty, Brock was put into sleep by Gengar and they saw a giant gengar and Alakazam was fighting, but when they touch Gengar or it ate them they fell into his stomach not dead as of they're inside a giant jar, I also remember my grandma bring me to her work place which was primary school but everytime it was emlty, filled with no students maybe because it's weekend? I don't know but when I was with her, I would just run around the canteen while my grandma cleans the canteen, it was so nostalgic, life was so simple back then. I don't need to care anything else.. it was a very simple and sacred love I had from then, but looking backwards, it was a just call before the storm. Everything bad starts happened, before I notice I no longer able to see my mom and grandma again, I was sent to different of my mom I think from my dad but it was just a short time, and I was constantly move from one place to another, but of course the reason was because nobody want to for free especially without money, fast forward that my dad married another woman, and that was really the nightmare that soon to begin, although when I was told to call her mom, it will never ever replace the love I had for my biological mom even though her love for me and the time spending her was short. As I was growing I will always ask my dad where's my mom and he know I was referring to my biological mom as I was very attached to her. I miss her and I know she will never come back but a child I do not know why and I just only kept missing her. That woman that my dad marries brought me to her family, they are a very traditional kind of mindset family and sort of rich, well selling fishball noodles till able to demolish and rebuild terrace house ya over the last few years and I was living there since then till I'm 12 years old. Moving to my dad's house was the hell period and start of the nightmare, always constantly I get beaten up by canning all over my leg and body, forcing to stand for 2 hours because I was too stupid unable study well. I remembered now suddenly that I was force to keep memorize English words for 2 hours sometimes and while crying and standing I had to repeat the words that I am learning for, spelling test often has in school that's why*
Fast forward to secondary school a new school for me, at age of 13/14, lost my previous friends as they went other schools because I wasn't staying at the woman's family house anymore which was nearer to my previous school. Orientation of the school day which is first day, my days of being bullied starts, was bullied by my group of Malay classmates, and I got angry but I cried while angry that is why the bullying continues for 3-4 years, each time I angry, I'll cry at the same time even when I'm angry. There was once my entire school books in my school bag was thrown into the dustbin according to the teachers and couldn't be found. It will be funny, like who even bring entire year of school books? Yup that's me, that woman wanted me to bring and I hate to bring or put it in my bag. I wanted to make friends with my classmates, even those female classmates but I do not know how, like 13 years old kids nowadays knows how to use iphone and I don't even know how to say: May I be your friend, because this doesn't exist in my brain, which I do not know how to even say or what's sentence so the only way to get their attention was by running around in class, and running to slam myself into the wall, pulling girls hairs to get their attention, it's kind of childish, but what to do? I literally don't even know how basic gestures works. Another reasons why I can't express myself properly was also because of my ADHD symptoms and back then I was very very hyperactive! for my school life, can't go anywhere after school and only home and I only can study at home, there's nothing for me to play and it was very bored as I can't sit still, it feels like a prison especially when holiday comes because I can never go out to play. Although I dislike that woman but I like her mother, she's the only one who will pamper me, and often I go back with her to that family house when I was at the hakwer centre, well they're selling fishball noodles that's why. Always when I wanted those toys from capsule machine, which cost a dollar, she gave me but when that woman knows I always get scolded for asking people to buy for me things. My classmates sometimes ask me why does my legs are full of blackmarks but I was scared, I do not dare to tell them that it was because that woman canes me almost everyday. Something causes my parents to talk to my school counselor because of me getting bullied in school everyday and that was a huge alarm as when I get bullied I would scream to the extend almost the whole school would heard and teachers has to come out of the office to look what's happening, my school counselor advise my dad to bring me to see a psychologist I think which is at child guidance clinic and also a time table where by I can go out 2-3 days, but when I was late on of the days when I called that woman, as my dad was busy driving taxi. She threatened me in Chinese that when I go home I will know what happened, terrified of that I dare not go home and had to sleep outside my classmates house which is at the stairs for 1 night, that woman made a police report not because of me lost but because I didn't return home to get beaten by her. Police didn't understand me either and there's no child protection law back then so I only can constantly get more beatings, as mentioned for going to child guidances, I was given to do IQ test but, of course they didn't tell me and till now I don't even know how high is my IQ level but more importantly my dad and that woman just wanted that medicine as they thought it will call me down even after getting beaten, everytime I get beaten and my anger and fear reach broke I will cried and lost control of myself and when one day I decided not to eat anymore they stop bringing me to see doctor because it can no longer control me. I was given only $4 a day, but my classmate who pity me will bring me out after school to lan cafe to play computer with my other classmates, a group of 5 including me. My dad and that women eventually found out and also knows that my school has a system of giving food coupons and that made that woman make her next move by reducing my pocket money to $2. I forgot to mention too, with my medical condition I was unstable in my mind and emotions but they seems to have a habit of further scolding, beating, and agitating me further and alot of times I only can cry in fear against them in the house as there's no other adults there to protect me. This fear letched on to me and made me very very negative, lonely, till today. Alot of times I wanted to find ways to (sui side, wrote in this way to avoid using sensitive words) there was once in army (19 years old) I went and bought a box of Panadols and swallowed 15 -18 tablets but I somehow knew it wasn't enough or deadly to end my life, ended up me seeing medical doctor at the airbase I was in and went to hospital to have IV drip to also flush out the paracetamol, ever since them I no longer able to take Panadol or tablets with similar taste and size due to allergic or the the featrauma of my body subconscious.
At the end of the day, during my entire growing stage life from child to adult, my brain devloped twice as slow than everyone my age and even till today there are some things I may not understand which sounds complicated to me or I'll never understand. I didn't have a normal love life either having girls comes up to me telling me they like me or me confessing to girls I like because I don't even know what's like and love, there was a girl I like and everytime she saw me she would wave to me, she's from a different class as she's smart, probably express or normal acad and is a sort of student council, a contemporary dancer in her cca, I subconsciously like her back then not know that. I always envy others when I walker pass those children with their parents who bring them out or when I sees them so happy playing or interacting with each other. I could only ask my self in my heart, why am I so different and why I couldn't have what normal people haves. Things that are worse is when I see baby or young child cries, my heart start to beat fast and I start to become Abit distracted and uncomfortable, maybe emotional because of the trauma I got child abused. I always sees many girls confessing to my classmate and his younger brother, envy that why so many girls like them, like felt they're so cool enough for girls to approach them be it irl, or online through Facebook. I guess the most depressing and unpleasant moments was I constantly sees girls going to their house to get **** by my classmate's brother, and I knew those girls like them but to him it's just flings, I felt so engioue everything in my life I'm opposite of what normal humans are, and all these experience and memories letch on to me till today made me unable to express or communicate well with people, I feel very lonely, especially after whek my ex classmate and his family treated me so badly, as I was degraded for not working, and saying my medical condition is nothing compared to people with autism and disability like having no hands and no legs, I was also compared to Michael Phelps through my ex-classmate brother, when I have no money I was treated badly and look down on, especially when they buy food for me and then proceed to say those stuffs towards me but when I have money they became so friendly, they made me left my dad's house which give my dad to tell me not to go back his house anymore as he was planning to "sell his house to buy a smaller house" due to debts. My classmate doesn't bother how I felt or my situation, because they lost job during covid period so asking me to rent there would help them have some cash, fast forward to 1 year ago I was rushed by them to get out of their house we one or their siblings coming back from oversea with his wife. I have no one else so I have to apply for a shelter from social workers, and when that extend from November to December till today they demand me to pay $300 when they knew I have no money even when I'm planning to study. Last few weeks because if that I started crying and got very uncontrollably depressed, I realisi that one of the reason because of them that made me depress and affect my behavior and life was because of them. My dad doesn't talk to me for 2 years and suddenly he message me to wish my birthday wish last year but realized he wanted to borrow money from me. Many people told me just let go off the past but how many actually knows that it's easier said than done, basically like a heavy chain are anchoring to me. Nobody knows how it feels to be alone in this entire world, having no one to be there with you be it, the time where I'm happy, sad, having surgery, suffering and crying alone. Even though I can't end my life because of fear and lack of beavery, I'm living a life of monochrome just to wait for me one day to leave this world be it old, sickness, or accident. I really hope one day I will be free from this anchors of pain, fear and grief.

I’ve got a few hair and beard mods installed and went into creation kit to edit him to my liking, but after I save my changes and load the game he still looks like this. Any advice? The changes loaded once, and then I went back into CK to remove a moustache from Brand-Shei, and Bryn is back rocking the look of my ex-boyfriend’s dad.
Modlist:
# This file was automatically generated by Mod Organizer.
+Overwrites
+Northern Roads - Patches Compendium
+Northern Roads Patch Collection
+Northern Roads
+Books of Skyrim SE - Redux
+Better Khajiit female body Texture for UNP and CBBE body
+Minotaurs - Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''oblivion'')
+Better Pelts and Hides
+Ryn's Dragon Mounds Collection
+KS Hairdos - HDT SMP (Physics) - Khajiit Patch
+KS Hairdos - HDT SMP (Physics)
+ADXP I MCO ER Twinblades (SCAR Precision)
+Lore Weapon Expansion SE
+Nicos Twinblades SE
+Twinblades of Skyrim
+The Forgotten City
+Dragon.Priest.by.Kajuan
+Elden Parry
+ECPLW -ENB Complex Particle Lights for Windows-
+Bellyaches HD Dragon Replacer Pack (SE)
+Another Race Menu Rotation Mod
+Ryn's Azura's Shrine
+Skyland Noble Furniture
+Khajiit Has Wares - A Caravan Camp Overhaul
+Seasoned Traveller Armor SE-AE
+Animated Potions
+Mythic Dawn armor SE
+Inquisitor HDT-SMP Armor
+Dual Casting Fix
+Traveling Mage HDT-SMP Armor
+NPCs React To Necromancy (And More)
+JS Dwemer Control Cube SE
+Vampire Lines Expansion
+Open Animation Replacer
+Cinematic Dragon Soul Absorbtion
+Dawnguard Armors and Weapons Retexture SE
+Conditional Expressions Extended
+Toggleable Night Eye Vampire Werewolf and Khajiit
+Emerald Khajiit Vampire Eyes
+Dragonbone Ebonsteel Armor SE
+Frankly HD Dragonbone and Dragonscale - Armor and Weapons
+NPCs React To Invisibility
+Weathered Furniture - Common and Upper Class - 4K - 2K (LE Backport)
+Prince and The Pauper Refine
+JS Purses and Septims SE
+JS Knapsacks SE
+Asura's Guard
+League of Assassins - Dark Brotherhood Retexture
+League of Assassins Armor
+Base Object Swapper
+Improved Alternate Conversation Camera
+Face Masks of Skyrim
+OBIS SE Patrols Addon
+OBIS SE - Organized Bandits In Skyrim Special Edition
+Immersive Patrols SE AE
+LeanWolf's Better-Shaped Weapons - All in One Installer
+Frankly HD Imperial Armor And Weapons - Sleeves and Pants Edition
+Frankly HD Imperial Armor and Weapons
+RS Children Patch Compendium
+Vanargand Animations - Dual Wield Normal and Power Attacks
+Patch for RS Children Overhaul
+Vitruvia - skin texture overhaul for males - SE
+JS Instruments of Skyrim SE
+JS Common Cages SE
+JS Attunement Sphere and Lexicons SE
+Immersive folded hands (DAR)
+JS Shrines of the Divines SE
+Masculine Khajiit Textures (Grey Cat and Leopard) [Vanilla]
+Prince and the Pauper SE - RS Children Patch
+RS Children Overhaul
+Misc. College of Winterhold Tweaks
+Obscure's College of Winterhold
+College of Winterhold The Missing Apprentices Quest Fix
+College of Winterhold - Quest Expansion - markers
+College of Winterhold - Quest Expansion
+Vanilla SMP Clothing waccf ace patch
+Prisioner robes fix
+Better Fur - fine patch
+Vanilla SMP Clothing
+CACO Ordinator Alternate Patch
+Vanilla Cow Tweaks- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version)
+Heart of the Beast - Werewolf Sound - Remastered - SSE PORT
+Daedroth Titans- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''oblivion daedra'')
+Wraith-of-Crows - Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''nocturnal'')
+Savage Wolves
+More Hircinic Aspects of Hircine- Mihail's Shards of Immersion (SE-AE version)
+Lustmord Vampire Armor - SSE CBBE BodySlide (with Physics)
+Kellan HDT-SMP Armor
+Frost Giant Overhaul- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''karstaag'')
+Cow Replacer- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version)
+Birds of Prey and Felsaad Terns- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version)
+Apocrypha's Currency- Mihail's Shards of Immersion (SE-AE version) (''coin'')
+Glorious Doors of Skyrim (GDOS)
+Security Overhaul SKSE - Lock Variations
+Frankly HD Thieves Guild Armors
+Giant.by.Kajuan
+Fur Bedroll 2-4k
+Draugr.by.Kajuan
+Troll.by.Kajuan
+Skeleton.and.Human.Bones.by.Kajuan
+Edmond's HD Nordic Snow with Parallax
+Nordic Snow
+Hedge Mage Armor SSE
+Craftable Blood Potions SSE
+Illustrious Whiterun - Alt Stonefloor 4K 2.0
+Leviathan Animations II - Greatsword Non Combat Locomotion
+Leviathan Animations II - Greatsword Low Stance
+Vanargand Animations - Sneak idle walk and run
+Vanargand Animations - Sneak Thrust Attacks
+Vanargand Animations - Sneak Strike Attacks
+Leviathan Animations - Two-Handed High Stance
+Vanargand Animations - Dual Wield Sneak Thrusts
+Vanargand Animations - Dual Wield Sneak Strikes
+Vanargand Animations - Female Idle Walk and Run
+Vanargand Animations - Male Idle Walk and Run
+Goetia Animations - Female Idle Walk And Run
+Goetia Animations - Male Idle Walk And Run
+Leviathan Animations II - Female Idle Walk And Run
+Leviathan Animations II - Male Idle Walk And Run
+Conditional Armor Type Animations
+Leather Armors Retexture SE
+Fashions of The Huntsmen- A Leather Armor variation mod (Armor Pack- CBBE-3BA and HIMBO)
+Mysticism - Ordinator Patch
+Mysticism - A Magic Overhaul
+Lux - Illustrious Whiterun - Parallax'd
+Illustrious Whiterun SE - 8K - Parallax
+Teldryn Serious Patch
+DX Necromancer Robes - HDT-SMP Physics and 3BBB Bodyslides
+The Caller - DX Necromancer Robes
+3D Whiterun Trellis
+Immersive Equipment Displays
+HDT-SMP Traveler's Backpack - My Version
+HDT-SMP Traveler's Backpack
+Simple Dual Sheath
+Weapon Keyword Unification Project
+Keyword Item Distributor
+Nightingale Armor and Weapons Retexture SE
+Skaal Coat Alternative Texture
+Hearthfires Extended and Creation Club Fishing Patch
+Spell Research Add-On - Book Transformation Spell
+Terrain Fixes for CC Mods
+Necromancers Amulet Replacement
+Immersive Spell Learning
+Wintersun patch
+Spell Research - Ultimate Add-On Patch
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research - Tweaks
+Spell Research - Convenience Add-On
+Spell Research - Spell Composing
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research 1
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research-Apocalypse
+Altered Spell Tomes for Spell Research
+Spell Research Patch Compendium Redux 357 patches
+Origins Of Forest - Lakeview Manor Patch
+Technicolor Alchemy - CACO - More Growable Plants Patch
+Complete Alchemy and Cooking Overhaul (CACO) and More Growable Plants SE compatibility patch
+SIC SE - Add-Ons and Patches
+CACO - Beyond Skyrim Bruma Patch
+Spell Research - Experience Book
+Spell Research
+kryptopyr's Patch Hub
+Bloodchill Manor (CC) __ CACO
+Cutting Room Floor __ CACO
+Opulent Thieves Guild - FPS Fix
+Opulent Thieves Guild - Sneak Tools compatibility patch
+Quaint Raven Rock - Ghosts of the Tribunal Patch
+More Growable Plants SE
+Cathedral - 3D Solstheim Grass
+SmoothCam - Octavian's Preset
+Pets of Skyrim - JK's Skyrim Compatibility Patch
+SmoothCam - Soft Preset
+WACCF Sneak Tools Patch
+Sneak Tools Embers XD Patch
+Sneak Tools SE Edition
+Wayfarer's Coat CBBE
+Wayfarer's Coat
+Sleeping Expanded - Animations and NPC reactions
+Archmage Apparel
+Ars Metallica - Smithing Enhancement
+Hunting in Skyrim - A Hunting Guild SE
+Diverse Werewolves Collection SE Player
+Diverse Werewolves Collection SE
+Werebeast GrowlVanilla Spruce-up
+Unleashed Sacrosanct and Growl Racial Abilities SE - (Werewolf and Vampire racial abilities for custom races)
+Growl and Sacrosanct Hybrid
+Gender-specific Werewolf Transformation Sounds (Vampire Lords optional)
+Elden Counter
+Wildcat - Combat of Skyrim
+Set of Skills
+ADXP I MCO ER rapiers (SCAR)
+ADXP I MCO ER Katana (SCAR)
+Realistic Halberd Poleaxe Animation(MCO SCAR)
+Goetia Animations - Enchanted Staves
+Favorite Misc Items
+Simple Outfit Manager
+Hunting Grounds Outfit
+SIRENROOT - Patch 1.04
+SIRENROOT - Deluge of Deceit
+ADXP I MCO ER Spear Basic Animation (SCAR)
+Skyrim Spear Mechanic SE
+Cathedral - 3D Rocky Shores
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(I also posted this in /vegaslocals. If reposting here isn't allowed, I apologize, and feel free to take down).
Hey Everybody!!!
I just want to keep you in the loop on what’s going on with Oakland A’s owner John Fisher’s request to have the Nevada Legislature give him up to $380 million in public funds for a new stadium. The Legislative session ENDS MONDAY, which means that they will ram this through very quickly in the next 48 hours or so or call a special session.
NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SPEAK OUT!!!! I have put together a fairly well-documented argument below demonstrating that this is a bad deal and Fisher is a terrible partner. Please share this post and information as widely as you can! Most importantly, contact members of the Legislature and BE HEARD!!! Be sure to tell them that you live in Nevada!!!
Contact your Assemblyperson and State Senator!!
Assembly contact info: https://www.leg.state.nv.us/App/LegislatoA/Assembly/Current
State Senate Contact info: https://www.leg.state.nv.us/App/LegislatoA/Senate/Current
If you would like, you could use or modify this sample letter which contains URL links supporting the claims.

Dear Senator or Assemblyperson [Last Name], I am writing to express my strong opposition to the proposed public funding for John Fisher's baseball stadium in Nevada. I believe this project should be stopped for several reasons: Lack of transparency: Fisher and his team deliberately released funding details at the last minute and scheduled the only public hearing on Memorial Day evening, during a Golden Knights playoff game, limiting public awareness and participation. This is a shameful subversion of democracy and I hope you had no part in it. Neglected education system: Nevada ranks 49th out of 50 in educational attainment. Our focus should be on improving public schools, not funding a billionaire's stadium. Unrealistic economic projections: Expert analysis discredits the claim that the stadium will attract an additional 400,000 tourists, which, even if true, would only be a 1% increase on an annual basis. A Stanford economics professor expressed his belief that Fisher’s Stadium will result in the equivalent of a few hundred, permanent, long-term jobs. Fisher’s economic projections are detached from reality and unreliable. Fisher's history: His track record with the San Jose Quakes, another publicly funded stadium venture, raises concerns about his commitment to investing in player payroll and creating a competitive team. Fisher owns the Quakes. After he was given a public handout for a stadium, he did not change or competitively fund his soccer team. Troubled partnerships: Mark Davis of the Raiders, who shared the Oakland Coliseum with the A’s, has expressed frustration with Fisher's management group. MLB owners are also frustrated by doing business with Fisher. Nevada should expect to have the same experience if we proceed. I urge you to oppose public funding for John Fisher's stadium. Let's prioritize transparency, education, and responsible use of public funds for the benefit of all Nevada residents. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Please consider my perspective as you make your decision. Should you require further information or have any questions, I am available to discuss this issue. Sincerely, [Your Name]

Feel free to modify, expand or use as-is. You can also write your own letter too. I'm just trying to make this as easy as possible for everyone so that we are HEARD!
TLDR Bullet Points For Big Argument Below:

• Oakland A’s owner John Fisher, and team President Dave Kaval, strategically released details about stadium funding to minimize public awareness and participation. They released the legislation on Friday of Memorial Day weekend and the only public hearing was on Memorial Day during the Golden Knights playoff game.
• Fisher and Kaval failed to even show up at the Memorial Day hearing, demonstrating a lack of accountability and a disregard for public concerns. They have never publicly answered any questions.
• The prioritization of funding for a sports stadium over public education in Nevada, particularly the Clark County School District, is concerning.
• Economic projections presented by Fisher's lobbyists are questionable and disconnected from reality, as experts have pointed out.
• Fisher's history with the San Jose Quakes of Major League Soccer raises doubts about his commitment to investing in a competitive team with public funds.
• The low payroll of the A's compared to other MLB teams suggests a strategy of minimizing expenses for greater profitability.
• Mark Davis, owner of the Raiders and A's shared the Oakland Coliseum, expressed personal animosity towards Fisher and his management approach. Other MLB owners have expressed similar frustration about doing business with Fisher.
• Elected leaders should consider these concerns and prioritize the needs of the community over the interests of wealthy individuals.

PUBLIC FUNDING FOR JOHN FISHER’S STADIUM MUST BE STOPPED!!!!
1. They Don’t Want to Hear From You
Fisher and Kaval strategically waited until the 11th hour to release details about the handout. From USA Today:

The A’s, their cadre of lobbyists in Nevada and friendly politicians and tourist officials are doing their best to hide the sausage, introducing, finally, legislation for state funding of myriad projects on the Friday night of a holiday weekend, and then offering public discussion on the evening of Memorial Day. Pretty slick! And it sounds like Gov. Joe Lombardo’s signature would be waiting.

The only public hearing on giving away hundreds of millions of dollars occurred on Memorial Day. And not just on Memorial Day — it was in the evening during Game Six of the Western Conference Finals where the Golden Knights punched their tickets to the Stanley Cup Finals. A hearing at 4:00 AM on Christmas morning would have received a higher profile and greater public scrutiny.
They didn’t want you to know about the hearing and your opportunity to be heard. And if, by chance you did hear about it, they didn’t want you to be able to show up and be heard. They are not very subtle about their preference to not hear from you, the unwashed masses.
Guess who else wasn’t there? A’s owner John Fisher and President Dave Kaval. I am not making this up. They didn’t bother to show up to the Memorial Day hearing. They want us to give them hundreds of millions of dollars, but couldn’t be bothered to show up at the hearing and answer questions themselves? Where were they Monday night? What was so important they couldn’t be bothered to show up for a public hearing to answer questions in public? Fisher and his army of lobbyists have had weeks to meet privately with lawmakers behind closed doors. Are you telling me Fisher couldn’t give us regular folks two hours in public?
2. What Are Our Priorities?
There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Nevada, and in particular the Clark County School District, fail to provide adequate public education. Nevada ranks 49th out of 50 for educational attainment. Of the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the United States, Las Vegas ranks second worst for schools. This is unacceptable, yet real education reform is never a priority for the same politicians who are willing to pull the Memorial Day/Stanley Cup Playoff hearing shenanigans for Fisher.
If our elected officials can turn on a dime to hand out hundreds of millions of dollars to a billionaire for a sports stadium, why can’t they act with similar urgency for our disastrous public school system?
Our failed public schools, especially CCSD, are the most significant impediment to economic growth and diversification. The number one reason companies and individuals are reluctant to relocate to Las Vegas are our terrible public schools. If we want to create economic growth, we need to fund and fix our public schools, not build another billionaire a sports stadium.
3. The Numbers Don’t Make Sense. They’re Basically Fraud.
Whenever a billionaire asks the public to finance his stadium, the ask is always accompanied by a series of fantastical economic projections. If you watched the Memorial Day/Stanley Cup Playoff hearing, you saw a powerpoint presentation made by Fisher’s hired lobbyists. The numbers presented by Fisher’s lobbyists aren’t simply slightly embellished, they are disconnected from reality.
First, there is the claim that Fisher’s publicly funded stadium will bring an additional 400,000 tourists. John Mehaffey breaks down this non-sensical claim in the Nevada Independent:

The 400,000 number seems inflated to me. The A’s host 81 baseball games per year. This projection assumes 4,938 tourists at each game that would otherwise not be in Las Vegas. Considering only one American League market is within a reasonable driving distance, most of these tourists would fly to see their home team. Many or most of these tourists would go to two or three games in a series to justify this travel. If the average number is two games, that puts 9,877 visitors in the stadium per home game. If those fans go to an entire three-game series, that number is 14,815. If the 1.8 million locals attendance prediction is accurate, and visiting fans tend to go to a series as opposed to just one game, the A’s project that they will sell out the stadium's 35,000-seat capacity every home game. If visitors go to only two games, that is 90 percent of capacity. That is a bold projection for a team that was last in attendance in 2022 and at the bottom so far in 2023, especially since no MLB team comes close to selling out all its home games. The lack of flights makes 400,000 new visitors seem impossible Most teams that would visit the Las Vegas A’s stadium are in the American League. Most are in the east where nonstop flights to Las Vegas are scarce. For example, I found five or fewer nonstop flights per day from six of the other 14 American League cities. Four of those six teams had home stadium attendance below 20,000 per game in 2022. It’s hard to imagine that 10,000 or 15,000 fans will fly across the country for a series when that is around the average attendance for the 81 home games in their own cities. Some displaced fans may be within driving distance, but the point is one that needs to be considered. Las Vegas would need dozens of flights per series that don’t exist to accommodate this prediction.

Mehaffey also points out that Miami, which recently built a publicly financed stadium, also has 40 million visitors a year, just like Las Vegas. However, the Miami metro is substantially larger than Las Vegas. “In 2022, the Miami Marlins averaged 11,204 per game. A market with a much larger metro population that posts similar tourism numbers does not come close to the A’s projections. There is no reason to think Las Vegas will be different.”
Stanford economics professor Roger Noll agrees with Mehaffey that the attendance numbers Fisher projects are not credible. From USA Today:

“Baseball is different than the NFL,” Roger Noll, professor of economics emeritus at Stanford University, tells USA TODAY Sports. “This notion that of those 162 baseball games, I've got to see those three that are between the A's and the Royals in Las Vegas - it's just nonsense, right? It's not true, it's not going to happen. “That's the fundamental reason why economists, when they do research on the impact of sports teams, typically find that the effect on local incomes and employment is slightly negative.”

But what about job creation?

Noll says the hours that stadium workers put in – for 81 games a year – computes to roughly 15% of a full-time job. “So the 500 people who work at the stadium on game day, you got to multiply that by .15 to get the number of full-time equivalent jobs, which means it's less than 100. Wow,” says Noll. “You know, $1.5 billion to create less than 100 jobs, right? Wow.”

4. Grossly Underfunded Payroll
The total payroll for the 2023 A’s is just $59,630,474, just 37% of the MLB average payroll of $116,112,414 and just 17% of the highest-spending New York Mets ($345,474,042). To provide context, the highest paid players in the league, Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander, will each make $43,333,333. Verlander’s salary, by itself, is 72% of the entire A’s roster!
This meager spending is by choice, not necessity. It’s a strategy that works. From Sports Illustrated:

The A's were a top-5 team in 2022. Not on the field. The A's finished with a 60-102 record, second-worst only ahead of the Washington Nationals. On the spreadsheets though, they netted $62.2 million according to a report from Forbes. The only teams they finished behind were the revamped Seattle Mariners who made the playoffs for the first time in two decades, the San Francisco Giants, the Boston Red Sox, and the Baltimore Orioles who had a Mariners-esque upswing and an A's-esque payroll.

When the A’s do develop talent, they quickly jettison those players to avoid paying them their true worth on the market. As Review-Journal columnist Ed Graney explained, when Fisher’s A’s have experienced success, the response has been to break down the team and sell off the parts. Graney concluded: “John Fisher is an owner with deep, deep pockets who (incredibly) has always acted in a way that he can’t afford to hand out exorbitant contracts to his best players. About him, an overwhelmingly popular opinion is that he simply doesn’t want to.”
Why do this? Wouldn’t a competitive team generate more revenue? In Major League Baseball, there is a revenue sharing agreement among the franchises, intended to help smaller markets field competitive teams. Fisher uses revenue sharing, and dumping talent, to be one of the most profitable owners in baseball. From the New York Post:

At least a few rival MLB club owners are annoyed at the Athletics for conducting a major fire sale to enhance their bottom line soon after being added as a new revenue-sharing recipient in a vote by owners. “The idea of revenue sharing is not to make money, it’s to field a competitive team,” one rival owner complained Thursday during the owners’ meetings at MLB headquarters in Midtown. “That money is supposed to go toward player salaries. [The A’s] took the money and put it in their pocket.” Yet another owner, also upset that the A’s didn’t use the money to buy new players, but instead did the opposite and sold three major stars and drastically cut their payroll, referred to the franchise generally as “a mess.”

Fisher will not fund a competitive team in Las Vegas if we give him a stadium handout. That would destroy his very profitable business strategy. Why would he do that? The payroll of the Las Vegas A’s will be 30th out of 30 MLB teams, just like the Oakland A’s.
5. History Repeating: Quakes Publicly Funded Stadium
There seems to be some hopeful thinking that if we give John Fisher a stadium handout, he will increase the A’s payroll to become more competitive. A’s President Dave Kaval stirred excitement when he insinuated that the franchise would bankroll a World Series championship team with a new stadium in Las Vegas. “But with more revenues, we want to turn a playoff team into a World Series team. That’s why we’re fighting so hard for a new stadium, whether it’s in Las Vegas or Oakland,” Kaval told the Review-Journal.
Many people, including our elected officials, want to believe this, in good faith. It would be awesome to have a Las Vegas MLB franchise win a World Series!
This isn’t Fisher’s first rodeo with a publicly funded stadium. Fisher is also the owner of the San Jose Quakes of Major League Soccer. From an Associated Press article in the May 25, 2006 Salinas Californian on public financing for a new Quakes stadium: “The Quakes won MLS championships in 2001 and 2003 led by former star forward Landon Donovan but attendance slid to an average of just 13,037 fans last season.” Sound familiar?
So what happened? Did Fisher increase player payroll once he obtained his publicly financed soccer stadium?
From the San Jose Mercury News:

Out of the 29 MLS teams, the Earthquakes rank 21st in guaranteed player compensation and base salary, both on a per-player and teamwide basis. The Earthquakes’ average salary came in at $434,079, nearly $100,000 lower than the overall average salary for an MLS player ($530,467). San Jose’s total spending ($13.022 million) comes in at more than $2.8 million below the average team spending across the league (15.822 million). It’s a continued trend for the Quakes, even after they moved into the state-of-the-art PayPal Park in 2015. The Earthquakes have consistently ranked in the bottom half of the league in spending, per Spotrac, even as the MLS has continued to add new expansion teams over the years. Earthquakes spending rank in MLS by year · 2015 (20 teams) — 15th · 2016 (20 teams) — 11th · 2017 (22 teams) — 16th · 2018 (23 teams) — 19th · 2019 (24 teams) — 19th · 2020 (26 teams) — 17th · 2021 (27 teams) — 24th · 2022 (28 teams) — 22nd · 2023 (29 teams) — 21st That has been reflected in on-field results, too. Since the Earthquakes moved into their new home, they have never finished a season with more wins than losses — the closest they came was in that first year, at 13 wins, 13 losses and eight draws.

Nevada should expect Fisher to act in the future as he has in the past. His business strategy is clear: spend as little as possible on player payroll regardless of venue. If Nevada gives Fisher a handout, nobody — nobody — can act surprised when his miserly payroll does not change.
The Raiders and A’s shared the Oakland Coliseum for decades. Aces and Raiders owner Mark Davis is very familiar with what it means to “partner” with John Fisher. Davis did not hold back when he spoke with the Review-Journal:

“I won’t forget what they did to us in Oakland. They squatted on a lease for 10 years and made it impossible for us to build on that stadium,” the Raiders owner said in a phone chat Thursday afternoon, referring to the stadium the A’s and Raiders once shared, the Oakland Coliseum. “They were looking for a stadium. We were looking for a stadium. They didn’t want to build a stadium, and then went ahead and signed a 10-year lease with the city of Oakland and said, ‘We’re the base team.’” … Davis was asked if he could envision an environment where the Silver and Black would cross-promote with the green-and-gold Las Vegas Athletics. “Not with that management group,” Davis said. “I just have, again, a lot of personal animosity toward the front office. But with a new management group? Absolutely.”

Mark Davis did business with John Fisher for decades. Davis knows Fisher. Nobody in Nevada has done business with Fisher as much as Davis. Davis’ reaction to Fisher, basically unfiltered instinctual revulsion, should be a massive red flag to our elected leaders who are being plied with sweet nothings by Fisher’s hired guns.
Sources:
“A’s Stadium Math Doesn’t Add Up.” The Nevada Independent, May 30, 2023. https://thenevadaindependent.com/article/as-stadium-math-doesnt-add-up.
Graney, Ed. “Graney: A’s Penny-Pinching a Reason for Las Vegas to Reassess.” Journal, March 18, 2022. https://www.reviewjournal.com/sports/sports-columns/ed-graney/graney-as-penny-pinching-a-reason-for-las-vegas-to-reassess-2547852/.
Gutierrez, Ana. “Nevada Ranks as the Second Least Educated State in America.” KLAS, February 17, 2022. https://www.8newsnow.com/news/local-news/nevada-ranks-as-the-second-least-educated-state-in-america/.
Jenkins, Bruce. “MLB Has Punished Other Owners. Why Is A’s John Fisher Getting a Pass?” San Francisco Chronicle, June 3, 2023. https://www.sfchronicle.com/sports/jenkins/article/john-fisher-mlb-oakland-18130516.php.
Katsilometes, John. “Raiders Owner Rips Oakland Athletics’ Likely Move to Las Vegas.” Journal, April 27, 2023. https://www.reviewjournal.com/entertainment/entertainment-columns/kats/raiders-owner-rips-oakland-athletics-likely-move-to-las-vegas-2765229/?xxyy.
Lacques, Gabe. “Why A’s Las Vegas Stadium Gambit May Be a Losing Bet: ‘It’s Just Nonsense.’” USA Today, June 1, 2023. https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/mlb/athletics/2023/06/01/oakland-as-move-las-vegas-stadium-gambit-losing-bet/70277528007/.
Lozito, Nick. “‘this Is Not Our Fault:’ Oakland A’s Fans Are Defending Their Image.” The Oaklandside, May 5, 2023. https://oaklandside.org/2023/05/01/oakland-athletics-leaving-las-vegas-john-fisher-dave-kaval-fans/.
“MLB 2023 Payroll Tracker.” Spotrac.com. Accessed June 3, 2023. https://www.spotrac.com/mlb/payroll/.
Oakland Athletics made over $60 million in 2023 - Sports Illustrated ... Accessed June 4, 2023. https://www.si.com/mlb/athletics/news/oakland-athletics-made-over-60-million-in-2023.
Shea, John. “Don’t Believe John Fisher’s Propaganda: A’s Fans Are the Best in Baseball.” San Francisco Chronicle, June 1, 2023. https://www.sfchronicle.com/sports/athletics/article/oakland-a-s-fans-aren-t-reason-team-las-vegas-18126429.php.
Simon, Alex. “Would New Oakland A’s Ballpark Lead to More Spending? John Fisher’s Other Team Shows That May Not Be the Case.” The Mercury News, May 17, 2023. https://www.mercurynews.com/2023/05/16/would-new-oakland-as-ballpark-lead-to-more-spending-john-fishers-other-team-shows-that-may-not-be-the-case/.
Wootton-Greener, Julie. “Las Vegas Area Schools Ranked Second-Worst in Nation for Quality.” Journal, December 9, 2021. https://www.reviewjournal.com/local/education/las-vegas-area-schools-ranked-second-worst-in-nation-for-quality-2493177/.

Hey Everybody!!!
I just want to keep you in the loop on what’s going on with Oakland A’s owner John Fisher’s request to have the Nevada Legislature give him up to $380 million in public funds for a new stadium. The Legislative session ENDS MONDAY, which means that they will ram this through very quickly in the next 48 hours or so or call a special session.
NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SPEAK OUT!!!! I have put together a fairly well-documented argument below demonstrating that this is a bad deal and Fisher is a terrible partner. Please share this post and information as widely as you can! Most importantly, contact members of the Legislature and BE HEARD!!! Be sure to tell them that you live in Nevada!!!
Contact your Assemblyperson and State Senator!!
Assembly contact info: https://www.leg.state.nv.us/App/LegislatoA/Assembly/Current
State Senate Contact info: https://www.leg.state.nv.us/App/LegislatoA/Senate/Current
If you would like, you could use or modify this sample letter which contains URL links supporting the claims.

Dear Senator or Assemblyperson [Last Name],
I am writing to express my strong opposition to the proposed public funding for John Fisher's baseball stadium in Nevada. I believe this project should be stopped for several reasons:
Lack of transparency: Fisher and his team deliberately released funding details at the last minute and scheduled the only public hearing on Memorial Day evening, during a Golden Knights playoff game, limiting public awareness and participation. This is a shameful subversion of democracy and I hope you had no part in it.
Neglected education system: Nevada ranks 49th out of 50 in educational attainment. Our focus should be on improving public schools, not funding a billionaire's stadium.
Unrealistic economic projections: Expert analysis discredits the claim that the stadium will attract an additional 400,000 tourists, which, even if true, would only be a 1% increase on an annual basis. A Stanford economics professor expressed his belief that Fisher’s Stadium will result in the equivalent of a few hundred, permanent, long-term jobs. Fisher’s economic projections are detached from reality and unreliable.
Fisher's history: His track record with the San Jose Quakes, another publicly funded stadium venture, raises concerns about his commitment to investing in player payroll and creating a competitive team. Fisher owns the Quakes. After he was given a public handout for a stadium, he did not change or competitively fund his soccer team.
Troubled partnerships: Mark Davis of the Raiders, who shared the Oakland Coliseum with the A’s, has expressed frustration with Fisher's management group. MLB owners are also frustrated by doing business with Fisher. Nevada should expect to have the same experience if we proceed.
I urge you to oppose public funding for John Fisher's stadium. Let's prioritize transparency, education, and responsible use of public funds for the benefit of all Nevada residents.
Thank you for your attention to this matter. Please consider my perspective as you make your decision. Should you require further information or have any questions, I am available to discuss this issue.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]

Feel free to modify, expand or use as-is. You can also write your own letter too. I'm just trying to make this as easy as possible for everyone so that we are HEARD!
TLDR Bullet Points For Big Argument Below:

• Oakland A’s owner John Fisher, and team President Dave Kaval, strategically released details about stadium funding to minimize public awareness and participation. They released the legislation on Friday of Memorial Day weekend and the only public hearing was on Memorial Day during the Golden Knights playoff game.
• Fisher and Kaval failed to even show up at the Memorial Day hearing, demonstrating a lack of accountability and a disregard for public concerns. They have never publicly answered any questions.
• The prioritization of funding for a sports stadium over public education in Nevada, particularly the Clark County School District, is concerning.
• Economic projections presented by Fisher's lobbyists are questionable and disconnected from reality, as experts have pointed out.
• Fisher's history with the San Jose Quakes of Major League Soccer raises doubts about his commitment to investing in a competitive team with public funds.
• The low payroll of the A's compared to other MLB teams suggests a strategy of minimizing expenses for greater profitability.
• Mark Davis, owner of the Raiders and A's shared the Oakland Coliseum, expressed personal animosity towards Fisher and his management approach. Other MLB owners have expressed similar frustration about doing business with Fisher.
• Elected leaders should consider these concerns and prioritize the needs of the community over the interests of wealthy individuals.

PUBLIC FUNDING FOR JOHN FISHER’S STADIUM MUST BE STOPPED!!!!
1. They Don’t Want to Hear From You
Fisher and Kaval strategically waited until the 11th hour to release details about the handout. From USA Today:

The A’s, their cadre of lobbyists in Nevada and friendly politicians and tourist officials are doing their best to hide the sausage, introducing, finally, legislation for state funding of myriad projects on the Friday night of a holiday weekend, and then offering public discussion on the evening of Memorial Day.
Pretty slick! And it sounds like Gov. Joe Lombardo’s signature would be waiting.

The only public hearing on giving away hundreds of millions of dollars occurred on Memorial Day. And not just on Memorial Day — it was in the evening during Game Six of the Western Conference Finals where the Golden Knights punched their tickets to the Stanley Cup Finals. A hearing at 4:00 AM on Christmas morning would have received a higher profile and greater public scrutiny.
They didn’t want you to know about the hearing and your opportunity to be heard. And if, by chance you did hear about it, they didn’t want you to be able to show up and be heard. They are not very subtle about their preference to not hear from you, the unwashed masses.
Guess who else wasn’t there? A’s owner John Fisher and President Dave Kaval. I am not making this up. They didn’t bother to show up to the Memorial Day hearing. They want us to give them hundreds of millions of dollars, but couldn’t be bothered to show up at the hearing and answer questions themselves? Where were they Monday night? What was so important they couldn’t be bothered to show up for a public hearing to answer questions in public? Fisher and his army of lobbyists have had weeks to meet privately with lawmakers behind closed doors. Are you telling me Fisher couldn’t give us regular folks two hours in public?
2. What Are Our Priorities?
There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Nevada, and in particular the Clark County School District, fail to provide adequate public education. Nevada ranks 49th out of 50 for educational attainment. Of the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the United States, Las Vegas ranks second worst for schools. This is unacceptable, yet real education reform is never a priority for the same politicians who are willing to pull the Memorial Day/Stanley Cup Playoff hearing shenanigans for Fisher.
If our elected officials can turn on a dime to hand out hundreds of millions of dollars to a billionaire for a sports stadium, why can’t they act with similar urgency for our disastrous public school system?
Our failed public schools, especially CCSD, are the most significant impediment to economic growth and diversification. The number one reason companies and individuals are reluctant to relocate to Las Vegas are our terrible public schools. If we want to create economic growth, we need to fund and fix our public schools, not build another billionaire a sports stadium.
3. The Numbers Don’t Make Sense. They’re Basically Fraud.
Whenever a billionaire asks the public to finance his stadium, the ask is always accompanied by a series of fantastical economic projections. If you watched the Memorial Day/Stanley Cup Playoff hearing, you saw a powerpoint presentation made by Fisher’s hired lobbyists. The numbers presented by Fisher’s lobbyists aren’t simply slightly embellished, they are disconnected from reality.
First, there is the claim that Fisher’s publicly funded stadium will bring an additional 400,000 tourists. John Mehaffey breaks down this non-sensical claim in the Nevada Independent:

The 400,000 number seems inflated to me. The A’s host 81 baseball games per year. This projection assumes 4,938 tourists at each game that would otherwise not be in Las Vegas.
Considering only one American League market is within a reasonable driving distance, most of these tourists would fly to see their home team. Many or most of these tourists would go to two or three games in a series to justify this travel.
If the average number is two games, that puts 9,877 visitors in the stadium per home game. If those fans go to an entire three-game series, that number is 14,815. If the 1.8 million locals attendance prediction is accurate, and visiting fans tend to go to a series as opposed to just one game, the A’s project that they will sell out the stadium's 35,000-seat capacity every home game. If visitors go to only two games, that is 90 percent of capacity.
That is a bold projection for a team that was last in attendance in 2022 and at the bottom so far in 2023, especially since no MLB team comes close to selling out all its home games.
The lack of flights makes 400,000 new visitors seem impossible
Most teams that would visit the Las Vegas A’s stadium are in the American League. Most are in the east where nonstop flights to Las Vegas are scarce. For example, I found five or fewer nonstop flights per day from six of the other 14 American League cities.
Four of those six teams had home stadium attendance below 20,000 per game in 2022. It’s hard to imagine that 10,000 or 15,000 fans will fly across the country for a series when that is around the average attendance for the 81 home games in their own cities.
Some displaced fans may be within driving distance, but the point is one that needs to be considered. Las Vegas would need dozens of flights per series that don’t exist to accommodate this prediction.

Mehaffey also points out that Miami, which recently built a publicly financed stadium, also has 40 million visitors a year, just like Las Vegas. However, the Miami metro is substantially larger than Las Vegas. “In 2022, the Miami Marlins averaged 11,204 per game. A market with a much larger metro population that posts similar tourism numbers does not come close to the A’s projections. There is no reason to think Las Vegas will be different.”
Stanford economics professor Roger Noll agrees with Mehaffey that the attendance numbers Fisher projects are not credible. From USA Today:

“Baseball is different than the NFL,” Roger Noll, professor of economics emeritus at Stanford University, tells USA TODAY Sports. “This notion that of those 162 baseball games, I've got to see those three that are between the A's and the Royals in Las Vegas - it's just nonsense, right? It's not true, it's not going to happen.
“That's the fundamental reason why economists, when they do research on the impact of sports teams, typically find that the effect on local incomes and employment is slightly negative.”

But what about job creation?

Noll says the hours that stadium workers put in – for 81 games a year – computes to roughly 15% of a full-time job.
“So the 500 people who work at the stadium on game day, you got to multiply that by .15 to get the number of full-time equivalent jobs, which means it's less than 100. Wow,” says Noll. “You know, $1.5 billion to create less than 100 jobs, right? Wow.”

4. Grossly Underfunded Payroll
The total payroll for the 2023 A’s is just $59,630,474, just 37% of the MLB average payroll of $116,112,414 and just 17% of the highest-spending New York Mets ($345,474,042). To provide context, the highest paid players in the league, Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander, will each make $43,333,333. Verlander’s salary, by itself, is 72% of the entire A’s roster!
This meager spending is by choice, not necessity. It’s a strategy that works. From Sports Illustrated:

The A's were a top-5 team in 2022.
Not on the field. The A's finished with a 60-102 record, second-worst only ahead of the Washington Nationals. On the spreadsheets though, they netted $62.2 million according to a report from Forbes. The only teams they finished behind were the revamped Seattle Mariners who made the playoffs for the first time in two decades, the San Francisco Giants, the Boston Red Sox, and the Baltimore Orioles who had a Mariners-esque upswing and an A's-esque payroll.

When the A’s do develop talent, they quickly jettison those players to avoid paying them their true worth on the market. As Review-Journal columnist Ed Graney explained, when Fisher’s A’s have experienced success, the response has been to break down the team and sell off the parts. Graney concluded: “John Fisher is an owner with deep, deep pockets who (incredibly) has always acted in a way that he can’t afford to hand out exorbitant contracts to his best players. About him, an overwhelmingly popular opinion is that he simply doesn’t want to.”
Why do this? Wouldn’t a competitive team generate more revenue? In Major League Baseball, there is a revenue sharing agreement among the franchises, intended to help smaller markets field competitive teams. Fisher uses revenue sharing, and dumping talent, to be one of the most profitable owners in baseball. From the New York Post:

At least a few rival MLB club owners are annoyed at the Athletics for conducting a major fire sale to enhance their bottom line soon after being added as a new revenue-sharing recipient in a vote by owners.
“The idea of revenue sharing is not to make money, it’s to field a competitive team,” one rival owner complained Thursday during the owners’ meetings at MLB headquarters in Midtown. “That money is supposed to go toward player salaries. [The A’s] took the money and put it in their pocket.”
Yet another owner, also upset that the A’s didn’t use the money to buy new players, but instead did the opposite and sold three major stars and drastically cut their payroll, referred to the franchise generally as “a mess.”

Fisher will not fund a competitive team in Las Vegas if we give him a stadium handout. That would destroy his very profitable business strategy. Why would he do that? The payroll of the Las Vegas A’s will be 30th out of 30 MLB teams, just like the Oakland A’s.
5. History Repeating: Quakes Publicly Funded Stadium
There seems to be some hopeful thinking that if we give John Fisher a stadium handout, he will increase the A’s payroll to become more competitive. A’s President Dave Kaval stirred excitement when he insinuated that the franchise would bankroll a World Series championship team with a new stadium in Las Vegas. “But with more revenues, we want to turn a playoff team into a World Series team. That’s why we’re fighting so hard for a new stadium, whether it’s in Las Vegas or Oakland,” Kaval told the Review-Journal.
Many people, including our elected officials, want to believe this, in good faith. It would be awesome to have a Las Vegas MLB franchise win a World Series!
This isn’t Fisher’s first rodeo with a publicly funded stadium. Fisher is also the owner of the San Jose Quakes of Major League Soccer. From an Associated Press article in the May 25, 2006 Salinas Californian on public financing for a new Quakes stadium: “The Quakes won MLS championships in 2001 and 2003 led by former star forward Landon Donovan but attendance slid to an average of just 13,037 fans last season.” Sound familiar?
So what happened? Did Fisher increase player payroll once he obtained his publicly financed soccer stadium?
From the San Jose Mercury News:

Out of the 29 MLS teams, the Earthquakes rank 21st in guaranteed player compensation and base salary, both on a per-player and teamwide basis.
The Earthquakes’ average salary came in at $434,079, nearly $100,000 lower than the overall average salary for an MLS player ($530,467). San Jose’s total spending ($13.022 million) comes in at more than $2.8 million below the average team spending across the league (15.822 million).
It’s a continued trend for the Quakes, even after they moved into the state-of-the-art PayPal Park in 2015. The Earthquakes have consistently ranked in the bottom half of the league in spending, per Spotrac, even as the MLS has continued to add new expansion teams over the years.
Earthquakes spending rank in MLS by year
· 2015 (20 teams) — 15th
· 2016 (20 teams) — 11th
· 2017 (22 teams) — 16th
· 2018 (23 teams) — 19th
· 2019 (24 teams) — 19th
· 2020 (26 teams) — 17th
· 2021 (27 teams) — 24th
· 2022 (28 teams) — 22nd
· 2023 (29 teams) — 21st
That has been reflected in on-field results, too. Since the Earthquakes moved into their new home, they have never finished a season with more wins than losses — the closest they came was in that first year, at 13 wins, 13 losses and eight draws.

Nevada should expect Fisher to act in the future as he has in the past. His business strategy is clear: spend as little as possible on player payroll regardless of venue. If Nevada gives Fisher a handout, nobody — nobody — can act surprised when his miserly payroll does not change.
The Raiders and A’s shared the Oakland Coliseum for decades. Aces and Raiders owner Mark Davis is very familiar with what it means to “partner” with John Fisher. Davis did not hold back when he spoke with the Review-Journal:

“I won’t forget what they did to us in Oakland. They squatted on a lease for 10 years and made it impossible for us to build on that stadium,” the Raiders owner said in a phone chat Thursday afternoon, referring to the stadium the A’s and Raiders once shared, the Oakland Coliseum.
“They were looking for a stadium. We were looking for a stadium. They didn’t want to build a stadium, and then went ahead and signed a 10-year lease with the city of Oakland and said, ‘We’re the base team.’”
…
Davis was asked if he could envision an environment where the Silver and Black would cross-promote with the green-and-gold Las Vegas Athletics.
“Not with that management group,” Davis said. “I just have, again, a lot of personal animosity toward the front office. But with a new management group? Absolutely.”

Mark Davis did business with John Fisher for decades. Davis knows Fisher. Nobody in Nevada has done business with Fisher as much as Davis. Davis’ reaction to Fisher, basically unfiltered instinctual revulsion, should be a massive red flag to our elected leaders who are being plied with sweet nothings by Fisher’s hired guns.
Sources:
“A’s Stadium Math Doesn’t Add Up.” The Nevada Independent, May 30, 2023. https://thenevadaindependent.com/article/as-stadium-math-doesnt-add-up.
Graney, Ed. “Graney: A’s Penny-Pinching a Reason for Las Vegas to Reassess.” Journal, March 18, 2022. https://www.reviewjournal.com/sports/sports-columns/ed-graney/graney-as-penny-pinching-a-reason-for-las-vegas-to-reassess-2547852/.
Gutierrez, Ana. “Nevada Ranks as the Second Least Educated State in America.” KLAS, February 17, 2022. https://www.8newsnow.com/news/local-news/nevada-ranks-as-the-second-least-educated-state-in-america/.
Jenkins, Bruce. “MLB Has Punished Other Owners. Why Is A’s John Fisher Getting a Pass?” San Francisco Chronicle, June 3, 2023. https://www.sfchronicle.com/sports/jenkins/article/john-fisher-mlb-oakland-18130516.php.
Katsilometes, John. “Raiders Owner Rips Oakland Athletics’ Likely Move to Las Vegas.” Journal, April 27, 2023. https://www.reviewjournal.com/entertainment/entertainment-columns/kats/raiders-owner-rips-oakland-athletics-likely-move-to-las-vegas-2765229/?xxyy.
Lacques, Gabe. “Why A’s Las Vegas Stadium Gambit May Be a Losing Bet: ‘It’s Just Nonsense.’” USA Today, June 1, 2023. https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/mlb/athletics/2023/06/01/oakland-as-move-las-vegas-stadium-gambit-losing-bet/70277528007/.
Lozito, Nick. “‘this Is Not Our Fault:’ Oakland A’s Fans Are Defending Their Image.” The Oaklandside, May 5, 2023. https://oaklandside.org/2023/05/01/oakland-athletics-leaving-las-vegas-john-fisher-dave-kaval-fans/.
“MLB 2023 Payroll Tracker.” Spotrac.com. Accessed June 3, 2023. https://www.spotrac.com/mlb/payroll/.
Oakland Athletics made over $60 million in 2023 - Sports Illustrated ... Accessed June 4, 2023. https://www.si.com/mlb/athletics/news/oakland-athletics-made-over-60-million-in-2023.
Shea, John. “Don’t Believe John Fisher’s Propaganda: A’s Fans Are the Best in Baseball.” San Francisco Chronicle, June 1, 2023. https://www.sfchronicle.com/sports/athletics/article/oakland-a-s-fans-aren-t-reason-team-las-vegas-18126429.php.
Simon, Alex. “Would New Oakland A’s Ballpark Lead to More Spending? John Fisher’s Other Team Shows That May Not Be the Case.” The Mercury News, May 17, 2023. https://www.mercurynews.com/2023/05/16/would-new-oakland-as-ballpark-lead-to-more-spending-john-fishers-other-team-shows-that-may-not-be-the-case/.
Wootton-Greener, Julie. “Las Vegas Area Schools Ranked Second-Worst in Nation for Quality.” Journal, December 9, 2021. https://www.reviewjournal.com/local/education/las-vegas-area-schools-ranked-second-worst-in-nation-for-quality-2493177/.

video of the glitch: https://streamable.com/ququks
I have tried:
- reinstalling XPMSE
- running Nemesis
- Reinstalling Skyrim
none of it works to fix it.
If I run FNIS at the same time as Nemesis the jump works, but then I can't use MCO, wich for me doesnt work.
Modlist is here:
(Part 1) SSE Engine Fixes for 1.5.39 - 1.5.97

1. Ultimate HD Fire Effects SSE - Ultra Resolution

A Quality World Map - Classic with All Roads
AC Valhalla Inspired Animation For All Races
AC Valhalla Inspired Animations For Player Only
Achieve That SE English
Address Library
Animation Motion Revolution
Apachii Divine Elegance Store
Apocalypse
Ars Metallica - Smithing Enhancement
Better Jumping SE
Better Third Person Selection (AE - SE)
Beyond Skyrim - Assets
Beyond Skyrim - Bruma
Beyond Skyrim DLC Integration Patch
Billyro's OldSwords
Billyro's Weapons
Bruma and Other Patches for Convenient Horses
Caliente's Beautiful Bodies Enhancer -CBBE-
Cannibal Draugr on Solstheim
Complete Crafting Overhaul Remastered
Complete Widescreen Fix for Vanilla and SkyUI 2.2 and 5.2 SE
Convenient Horses
Crafting Categories for SkyUI
customEbonyValkyrie1_2.7z
dTry's Key Utils SE
DynamicAnimationCasting
Elden Power Attack
Elden Rim - Weapon Arts English 1.9.9.2
ENB Helper SE 1.5 for SSE 1.5.97
Enhanced Blood Textures
Equippable Tomes - Belt-Worn Books - Special Edition
EVG Animation Variance
EVG Conditional Idles
Faster HDT-SMP
FSMPV
HD Reflective Ebony Armor and Weapons
Home in a Hat updated
Immersive Armors 8.1 SSE Test
Immersive Equipment Displays for 1.5.39 - 1.6.353
Immersive Equipping Animations
Immersive Interactions
Immersive Weapons
Interesting NPCs 3DNPC
JackGa's Pub - SE
JContainers SE
Kozakowy's Falka Armor UNP - SSE
KS Hairdos - HDT SMP (Physics)
KS Hairdos SSE
LeanWolf's Better-Shaped Weapons - All in One Installer
Legacy of the Dragonborn
Legacy of the Dragonborn Collectors and Vendors
Leviathan Animations II - Sprint
MCM Helper SE (1.5.97 BACKPORT)
MCO Universal Support
Nordic Faces - Complete Version
NORDIC UI - Interface Overhaul
Nordic...ish - A TrueHUD preset based on Nordic UI
Oblivion Camera
Ordinator 9.31.0
Ordinator Beyond Skyrim Bruma Patch
Papyrus Ini Manipulator
PapyrusUtil SE - Scripting Utility Functions
Payload Interpreter
powerofthree's Tweaks
Precision
RaceMenu Anniversary Edition
Realistic Water Two SE
SCAR - Skyrim Combos AI Revolution
Scriptfree Behavior Staggerlock
SkyHUD
Skyrim Unbound Reborn
Skyrim's Paraglider
SkyrimSE HD Reworked Horses
Skyshards
SkyUI_5_2_SE
Smooth Magic Casting Animation
Soaking Wet
Sonderbain's Chevalier - Randomized One Handed Block Animations
Spell Perk Item Distributor
SSE Display Tweaks
Static Mesh Improvement Mod
True Directional Movement
TrueHUD
Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch
Valhalla Combat
Veydogolt Trees
VioLens - A Killmove Mod SE
Visual Animated Enchants 2-023 Se Ae version
Weapon Styles - Draw-Sheath animations
Witchhunter Spells and Prayers Pack - Special Edition
1three-eyed swallowSE
[immyneedscake] BDOR Berserk SSE (Cloth SMP)
Abyss
ABYSSAL BLADE MCO One Handed Moveset and Weapon
Adaliya - High Poly Female Redguard Presets for Racemenu - 2 Versions
AddItemMenuSE_114_SKSE2019
ADXP I MCO Berserker guts Animation
ADXP I MCO elden rim moveset collection (SCAR)
ADXP I MCO ER Katana (SCAR)
ADXP I MCO ER Mixed Scythe (SCAR)
ADXP I MCO ER rapiers (SCAR)
Aldamar - Druid Mushroom Home
Alpha Jab -Unarmed Combat Sounds Rework-
Amber Guard
Amol Village
AnathemaStudio's Elf Ears (Enchantable)
Ancient Land
Ancient Land Patches
Animated Armoury - DAR Version - New Weapons with animations
Animated Armoury - New Weapons with animations SSE Version
Animation Queue Fix
Apachii Divine Elegance Dynamic Outfits For Nobles SPID
Apocalypse - Balance Patch
Armors of the Velothi Pt. II
ARTFUL DODGER - Dynamic Pickpocket Cap
Awesome Potions Simplified -ENB Lights
Awesome Potions Simplified by Revoith
Base Object Swapper
Beast Race Bodypaints SE -Khajiit and Argonian Themed Bodypaints Facepaints RaceMenu Overlays-
Behavior Data Injector
Better Dialogue Controls
Better Falskaar and Wyrmstooth Map With Roads
Better Vampires 8.7 SE
Bijin Skin - CBBE
Bloodborne Pack by Team TAL SSE
BodySlide and Outfit Studio
Bone Colossus- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''undead'')
Bow Charge Plus
Bow_Rapid_Combo_V2_1.4_I_Full
Bright Waterfall Fix for ENB
Campfire - Complete Camping System (Supports Skyrim VR)
Capital Windhelm Expansion
Cathedral - 3D Thicket and Dead Shrub
Cathedral Weathers and Seasons
CBBE SMP (3BBB)
CBPC - Physics with Collisions
CBPC Equipment Physics
CG4 Trees and Bushes SE
Citizens of Tamriel SE
CL's Rapier
Clean up the physics outfit - Collision Reset
Cleaned Skyrim SE Textures
Combat Pathing Revolution
Compass Navigation Overhaul
Comprehensive First Person Animation Overhaul - CFPAO
ConsoleUtilSSE NG
Controlmap.txt Fixed and Cleaned
Convenient Carriages
Corvus - Swords of Nocturnal
Cosmo-War Scythe
Crouch Sliding
Crouch Sliding TUDM Patch - Slide with Your Weapon Drawn
Customizable Camera
Daedric Armor SE
Daedric Shrines - All in One
Dark Brotherhood Armor SE
Dark Souls Pack by Team TAL
Deadly Spell Impacts
Delux ArchMage Quarters plus Mages Kitchen
Detection Meter
Dodge MCO-DXP
Dovahkiin can lean Sit Kneel Lay down and Meditate etc too
Dragon Slayer - Berserk
Dragonbane - Replacer
Drifter Armor and Outfit - My version
Dwarven Colossus - Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''dwemer'')
Dwemer Colosseum SE
DX Cassandra Frost Witch Outfit - UNP
DX Celes Nightingale Armor SSE - with Optional Heels sound and UUNP Bodyslide - Physics - UNP UNPB 7BB DreamGirl Seraphim and More
DX Druid Armor - SSE CBBE BodySlide (with Physics)
DX Druid Armor - UNP
DX Witch Hunter Armor - UNP
DX Witcher Swords - SE
Dynamic Animation Replacer
Dynamic Bow Animation
Dynamic Female Wall Leaning
Dynamic Impact - Slash Effects X
Ebonblade War Axe SE
Elden Power Attack Fix for MCO DXP
Elemental Fist - Brawler weapons
ELFX Shadows
ElSopa - Quivers Redone SE
Elven Silver Daggers by ClipsyMoon
Embers XD
Emeri's Presets All in One
ENB Light Inventory Fix (ELIF)
Enhanced Lights and FX
Eternal Flames
EVG Animated Traversal - Patch Collection
EVG Animated Traversal Addon for Windhelm Capital Expansion
EVG Animated Traversal Skyrim Integration Patch
Eviscerate
Experience
Experience - MCM
Expressive Facegen Morphs SE
Expressive Facial Animation - Female Edition
Facial Piercings SSE
Faction - Pit Fighter
Falconer Armor SE
Falskaar
Female Makeup Suite - Face - RaceMenu Overlays of Eyeliner EyeShadow Contours and Highlights - Special Edition
Ferrum Nibenis
Festus Krex Insideout Spell
FileAccess Interface for Skyrim SE Scripts - FISSES
Footsteps Sounds Overhaul
Functional Fearsome Fists - Innate Unarmed Boost
God of War Leviathan Axe
Goetia Animations - Magic Spell Casting
Granite Hill Village
Gravelords- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''dark souls'')
Griffith Armour SSE fixed and updated
HDT-SMP Infantry Armor Patch
HDT-SMP Three-eyed Swallow Armor Patch
HDT-SMP Traveler's Backpack
Hearthfire multiple adoptions - Now with custom home support for kids and spouse
Hellblade - Timed Block
High Elf Archer (Goblin Slayer) - Jinxxed Followers SSE
High Minotaurs - Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''eso'')
High Poly Head SE
High-Poly Inigo Replacer
Highly Improved Male Body Overhaul
Hogwarts in Skyrim
Hot Key Skill
House Cats- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''pet'')
Hydra's Reversed Daggers
IFrame Generator RE
Ilieh - Cry of the Damned
Immersive Diving Animation
Immersive World Encounters SE
Imps SE
Infantry Armor SE
Infinity UI
INIGO
Inquisitor HDT-SMP Armor
Inventory Interface Information Injector
Ish's Respec Mod
JaySuS Swords SE
JK's Whiterun V1.4b - SSE
JS Unique Utopia SE - Daggers
Judgement Cut End - ap05's Remake
Khajiit Eyes Extended - Khajiit Heterochromia and More
Khajiit Has Wares - A Caravan Camp Overhaul
Khajiit Overhaul SSE Unofficial Port
Knight Winds
Kurone Bell Bodyslide Preset (CBBE 3BA) And (3BA V's Cut)
Lamenthia's Marks of Beauty
Leather Armors Retexture SE
Legendary Alpha Shields
Leviathan Animations II - Female Idle Walk And Run
Leviathan Animations II - Male Idle Walk And Run
Light and Shade SE
Lupus - Swords of Hircine
Mage Backpack SSE
Magical College of Winterhold
Maleficus' Traversal (EVGAT)
Master The Summit
Max's Season 2 - RaceMenu Presets - High Poly - Low Poly - Male - Female
MEMOSPORE - UI Sound Effects
Menu Maid 2 - MCM manager
Mikan Eyes - SE
Missives
Missives - Notes Retexture
monster race crash fix
Moon Monk's Robes
Multiple Followers Framework
Mythic Dawn armor SE
Natura
New Weynon
Nicos Craftable Arrows SSE
No Recoil
No Thieves Guild Grind
Nocturnal Moths
Northern God Armor SE
Oakwood
Odium - Swords of Molag Bal
Ogres SE
Old Gods of the Hunt- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''the witcher'')
Opulent Thieves Guild
Particle Patch for ENB
powerofthree's Papyrus Extender
Project ja-Kha'jay
Quality Over Quantity - KS Hairdo's Reduced Plus HG
QuickLoot EE
RaceMenu High Heels (Height Fixes)
Raven HDT-SMP Armor
Realistic Aspen Trees SE
Redguard F Hair Grouped and Replacer
Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - RDO SE
Reversed Daggers Moveset for MCO
Ryn's Dragon Mounds Collection
Ryn's Sleeping Giant Inn
s6o6t LORE - Dark Anchors Ruins and Dolmens
Security Overhaul SKSE - Lock Variations
Security Overhaul SKSE - Regional Locks
SG Female Eyebrows
Show Player In Menus
Silver Armor SE
Simple Dual Sheath
Sindora's Hidden Hearth
SkyALERT - Detection Meter Redesign
Skyland AIO
Skyland Blacksmith Texture Overhaul
Skyrim Immersive Creatures Special Edition
Skyrim Search SE - Simply find your missing followers
Skyshards Offer Skills - Boss Containers Grant EXP
SmoothCam
SmoothCam - EasyEase Preset
Sons of Skyrim
Sprint Sneak Movement Speed Fix
Sswaye's Revenant's Sword Moveset ADXP I MCO DAR
Stave Church of Skyrim
Store Entrance Doorbells
Storm Golem- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''atronach'')
Storm Lightning for SSE and VR (Minty Lightning 2019)
Strange Runes
The Eyes Of Beauty SSE
The Welkynar Knight - Quest
To Your Face SE - AE - VR
Triss Armor Retextured SE
Triumvirate - Mage Archetypes
TUDM - Script Fixes
UIExtensions
Unarmed Moveset for MCO
Unique Bows Collection
Valkyr HDT-SMP Hairstyles
Vampire Beasts- Mihail Monsters and Animals (SE-AE version) (''the witcher'')
Vanguard - Bash Behaviors Overhaul
VIGILANT SEAE
VIGILANT Voiced - English Addon
Way of the Monk -Unarmed Combat - Extended
Whiterun Horse Statue
Wild Witch
Wind Ruler Armor SE
Wind Ruler Armor SE - hdt-SMP Patch
Windhelm Bridge Revived
Wyrmstooth
(ESL)HDT-SMP Daedric Armor Patch (4thUnknown Version)
3D Junipers - Trees and Berries
Adventurer HDT-SMP Armor
Air Dash Whirlwind Sprint
Airgetlam - Shouts SFX -
Airgetlam -Modern Magic Sounds Rework- 4.1 Redesigned
Better Ferns
Cabbage - A Cabbage Mod
Calling of the Conjurer
Cathedral - 3D Clover Plant
Constellation Magic
Dear Diary Dark Mode (warm text)
Diverse Dragons Collection SE (DDCse)
Dragon Animation Replace in Special Edition
DX Witcher Armor - UNP
Dynamic Fus Ro Dah
Dynamic Random Spell Idle
Dynamic Whirlwind Sprint
Elden Equip
ElSopa HD Shields Part I
Flame Atronach SE
For Honor in Skyrim I Centurion
For Honor in Skyrim I Gryphon
For Honor in Skyrim I Warden
For Honor in Skyrim I Warlord I Sword and shield I MCO Animation
Frankly HD Masque of Clavicus Vile
Frozen Electrocuted Combustion
Fuz Ro D-oh - Silent Voice
GoT Dragons (A Game of Thrones)
HDT SMP beast race tail
Instantly Skip Dialogue NG
Izba - An Herbalist's Cabin in the Woods
JK's Arcadia's Cauldron
JK's Belethor's General Goods
JK's Bits and Pieces
JK's Blue Palace
JK's Dragonsreach
JK's Palace of the Kings
JK's Radiant Raiment
JK's Skyrim
JK's The Bannered Mare
JK's The Drunken Huntsman
JK's The Winking Skeever
JRC's Witcher Style Sword Pack
Jump Behavior Overhaul SE
Jumping Attack
Kharoxia Armor
Landscapes - Cathedral Concept
League of Assassins Armor
Less Boring Loading Screens - SE-AE
Lux - Via
Markarth - City of Stone
Mysticism - A Magic Overhaul
Nirnroot by Mari
NPCs React To Invisibility
Rainbows Remade
Realistic Skin And Hair Shaders - Giants
Realistic Skin Shaders - Falmer and Hagravens
Remote Interactions
Ryn's Western Watchtower
Skyrim Platform
Spaghetti's Palaces - Dragonsreach
Spaghetti's Solstheim - Raven Rock
Spaghetti's Solstheim - Tel Mithryn
Spriggans SE
Stellaris
Storm Calling Magic
Stylish Dodge Chaos - DMCO
Taunt Your Enemies - Taunting Matters
The Forgotten City
Untarnished UI
Yggdrasil Music and SoundFX
XP32 Maximum Skeleton Special Extended
Attack MCO-DXP
Magical Jumping
Frankly HD Thieves Guild Armors
Desecration
Flames of Coldharbour
Vulcano
Nemesis Unlimited Behavior Engine

Long time lurker, first time poster. English is my first language but forgive any mistakes due to nervous typing patterns. Trigger warnings ahead. If mentions of 'sewerslide' and OD will put you in a place that makes you feel scared or unsafe, I would very much like to ask you not to interact to protect your wellbeing. The last thing I want to do when asking for help is to put someone else into a painful spot. Also, this is going to be a novel but I know context is important and there's a lot of it.
I, (30 F), thought I had grown up in the most ideal situation as a kid of divorced parents. My parents never fought loudly if at all in any period of my childhood. Even after the divorce, while the romantic love had shattered, they still valued their friendship and communicated pretty well when it came to me and my younger brother. Now after incidents from Memorial Day weekend, I'm starting to relive moments growing up that I've begun to grow to resent instead of value as parts of my 'responsible' nature.
I guess it starts in childhood. My mom and dad were young parents. My mom was 19 when she had me and my dad was 17. He dropped out of school to work full time and my mom went back to school and worked so the first 6 years of my life I mostly remember being with my paternal grandmother. She was/still is a wildfire in my eyes. Not in a negative way. Even at 90 the woman could light the room ablaze with her joyous nature and just wants to enjoy what life she has left with humor and happiness. Once mom finished her degree and got work in her field/ had my little brother, it seemed to be the beginning of the failure of my parents marriage.
When I was 8 or 9, I came home from school for my mom to tell me that her and my dad were divorcing. She carefully explained what that meant I'm sure, I have very little memory of those days. She even got me with a therapist to help with the transition but according to the therapist, she told my mom I was actually coping well in the circumstances, likely due to my father's absent nature. I don't mean absent emotionally. I mean absent physically. While working for a national fast food chain, he was also travelling around and making money through music.
My N-Father has a talent for music. Even I can't deny that. Some of my fondest memories as a teenager was hearing him strumming away in his room while he recorded studio pieces he needed to complete for a deadline. Me already liking my solitary space, didn't mind the distance since I gave me room to explore my likes and wants for myself without interruption. Well, back to what caused the divorce. My N-Father cheated on my mom with one of his coworker. I'll call her SM1 (Step-mom 1). She seemed to be a kind woman with three kids I was quick to accept as my step siblings. Well, this is where one memory I used to praise as a moment of growing up, I realize was my first steps into parentification.
My younger brother, who's well into adulthood now with his own child (my niece is literally my world 2nd to my spouse), used to struggle with horrible growing pains. His legs would hurt so much from rapid development that my mom would crush up children's painkiller into his juice and set up a hairdryer to warm his legs to soothe the pain. Thankfully I was smart enough to watch her do this and during one of my N-dad's weekends I woke up to my brother's shrill crying. I was around 9 while my brother was barely 3 and if you've heard a toddler that age crying in agony, you know how scary it sounds as a child. I tried to wake up my father for nearly an hour with no cease to the crying. My step-brother (bless him) was doing everything he could to soothe my brother while me and my step-sisters were trying to wake our parents. With no hope of them hearing us, I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed the closest thing to juice they had, mountain dew. I found a ziploc bag and the ibuprofen and a spoon, crushing the pills as best I could and mixed it with the mountain dew. (I know. Dumb kid moment.) Finally after twenty minutes of giving my brother the drink, my step sisters succeeded in getting my father out of bed.
Let's just say he had just woken from a very 'intimate' nap and only covered his modesty in frustration of being woken up. Now that we've set the scene for the rest of this, it never ended. He divorced SM1, dated a woman fresh out of high school, broke up with her once her parents stopped funding his music, and then met SM2.
SM2 I still hold in high regards. She truly became a 2nd mom despite our 14 years age difference. She wanted children more than anything, but due to complications with her health, it wouldn't be an easy matter. What she didn't know either was my father had a vasectomy after my younger brother. So he played into her fantasy. She wanted a girl. At 12, who saw a woman who wanted nothing but a child of her own, I never held it against her. She always took me places with her and bonded with me while my father would play video games with little brother. No biggie. Father's and sons deserve bonding time at my brother's age at the time. I was 14, my brother around 7/8. One thing to mention, before they got married, my dad cheated on her too. With a coworker. Messed up, right?
Well, once that whole thing settled and they got married, things seemed to be great. All of my parents and step-parents were respectful to each other. I was happy, my brother was cared for finally, I could be a kid for once, right? No. After about 5 years, the marriage began to fall apart. My father revealed his vasectomy. Told SM2 is was irreversible. My poor SM2, so desperate to save her first marriage tried her damndest to be content with my brother and me. She never once made us feel unloved or unsafe and I don't think I could ever thank her enough for what she was to us. Well, her friend from school was in a rough patch. We'll call SM2's friend C. One weekend at our dad's, I was told my room was now being used to house C while she got back on her feet. Me, being my ever people pleasing self for my father's approval, just accepted the living room as my new bedroom.
I slept on that couch for almost a year until it came out C and my dad were getting too close. Dangerously close. Until a line was crossed. C was gone. I got my room back. But it no longer felt safe anymore. After my father was chased from the church he helped build up, he got caught flirting with the preacher's daughter at their new church. SM2 and my dad divorced, we maintained contact when we could and even met up for lunch as often as we could manage.
Things were quiet for a while until my wedding. In the weeks leading up the affair, my dad and I went on shaky grounds in terms of a relationship. I watched my mother go through a divorce from my N-Step-dad (a story that deserves its own post). SM2 calls me in fear. NDad broke down and cried about how he's having some (TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!)
"Dark thoughts".
Okay. I'm 20. I know those thoughts. I held some of my own for some time. But what she told me next I wasn't ready for. She tried to encourage him to stick around for me and my brother. Even after all this time, we were still her first priority and she hoped we were to him. We weren't. He only complained of how lonely he was. That we didn't need him. Given since he's alive and well, nothing happened, that was the first time I started to 'unlove' my father.
It only got worse from then. He and SM2 got back together, only dating, only to have it explode in chaotic fashion. According to Ndad, she tricked him to going to couples therapy with a therapist she was secretly sleeping with to coax him into giving her financial control. Which I now find funny considering my father had little money and since SM2 finished her degree, she was making bank. Sound familiar? Woman finds financial maturity and man gets to feeling small since he's not fulfilling his 'godly role' as the husband. And before you ask, yes, he's a pastor. Making me a PK (Pastor's Kid). If you know anything about that lifestyle, many of us would do anything to stay in our father's godly image to gain love and support even if we weren't fully understanding what we were selling away. Not to say there aren't PKs who fully love their place in God's eyes. That is not my place to stomp on. And not my relationship to ruin.
Well, I stopped talking to my father after he kept trying his damndest to make SM2 look bad in my mind, but after so much love and support she gave, I couldn't ignore that he was denying his wrong doing. So one long text later, I went NC with him at the age of 22. For two whole years, nothing really changed. Ndad never really called or texted anyways other than holidays and birthdays, which I did block him to avoid any temptations of caving to his lovebombing.
Then my younger brother was in the hospital. It's a point of disagreement on why he was really in there, but I believe my brother when he said he did it because he googled 'quick highs' on the internet and did something stupid with that information. My parents both think otherwise, but thats not the point. I had no way to get to my brother. My husband and I were sharing one car at the time and my mom was already at the hospital. So I had to do something I still hold shame for. I unblocked my father. I warned him my only concern was getting to my brother and that my asking for his help to get there was not a sign of my forgiving him. But if he agreed to do this for me, maybe we could start slow. (Important note: During those 2 years everyone, including SM2, were insistent I try to keep dad in my life. That he loved me, blah blah blah. But my brother wanted it more than anyone and as you can tell, I'm very protective of my brother.)
I let him talk the whole 2 hour drive to the hospital. I did listen, but never responded other than short answers. When we pulled up to the hospital and were entering the room, I won't ever forget the first words out of my father's mouth. My brother, who just overcame potential death, had his father, our father, spew out the words "You're so stupid." as his first words to him. I wanted to kick him out then and there, but my brother, doped up on painkillers, gave a weak chuckle and just said, "I know." So, I just let it be. Once I had a moment with my brother, my only concern was how he was feeling and all he said was, "It was nice to see you and dad entering together". That stopped the NC order for me and I caved to let my father back into my life.
By all means the chaos didn't cease, but since I was an adult, I was able to keep myself far away from my father's dating dramas. I think the worst one was SM 3, who I loved to call 'Evil Reba' because she looked just like Reba McIntyre but the woman had no room for disaggreeing POVs so I just ignored her since her and my father lived a state away. She started a Dating Psychos page for my father. And boy howdy, when I found it, I agreed with everything these women had to say. One of them even defended my brother and I from any backlash that may come our way. They were anonymous, but I hope they know I was/am happy to see someone else saw the truth before we did.
I became seduced by my 'new' dad. He was accepting of everything I was. An ally to our LGBTQ relatives, and even supported me when I came out as Pan a few years back. Even more recent, he was perfectly okay when he found out I'm a practicing witch. Something I hid from everyone for almost 11 years. I thought I was healing. My innerchild was revelling in her father's words of acknowlegement of all the bad things we went through. My inner teen was vilified when he told me he should've never had me moved onto the couch when C lived with him. He apologized and 'lovebombed' my brother and I with all the money he made from his 50/hour a week job. That should've been my clue it was about to go wrong.
When my father craves affection, he'll give money. Do everything he can to appear the provider for his kids despite us both being grown adults. What did warn me that it was about to go wrong was my mother telling me in one of my father's new druken stupors, he texted my Aunt who's hated his guts since the divorce. She'd be nice and civil if he was around but I wish I could explain the deep hate my aunt has at my father for hurting her baby-sister. Well, he brought up this photo she hates (sadly my aunt does not have the highest self esteem despite how gorgeous she is but that's besides the point). How he wished he still had that photo. The photo in question? A bikini photo from one of the big family vacations. My father was flirting with my MARRIED aunt, who's been with the same incredible but quiet man for over thirty years.
I want to make it clear, for about 5 years, there were no red flags in his passing relationships of him flirting with other women. He was ever forth right with all of them of his past.
So hearing that from my mother, who I think knew I needed to hear it from her first, I knew it was about to get bad again. So that weekend, last weekend, we went to my father's to have dinner and hang out. Something we've done before. Now, in the last two years, my father started as a Flat Earth sympathizer. I have my own feelings on the whole back and forth of it, but in the last few months my father seemed driven to convince my brother and I that the earth is flat and that airplanes are named because the earth is truly one flat plane. The UN's map of the world. You name it, he's used it. Even going as far as using the bible to justify this knowledge.
Well, before the next discussion of our perceptions of reality, he proposed we do something I already love doing. Grounding. The practice of walking barefoot in the grass or ground to reconnect with the energy of the earth. I find it peaceful and tend to treat that time as a form of meditation. But as I'm laying in the grass, enjoying the nice weather and getting to share this kind of moment with family, he goes off again trying to coerce us of flat earth. I don't know my brother's position on it, but that's not my journey. And I will respect his journey. So I did what I used to do. Agree with everything he says until he shuts up. Now I'm unaware of how much my father had drank. According to my husband it was definitely more than three, but I've seen the man drink a whole case of Natty Lites (Natural Light Beer) and function like a sober person. Given he's now obsessed with Mexican beers because of, wait for it, his GIRLFRIEND. I really like this woman. I really do. Her and her son are an absolute delight but my father has gone from calling them by their names to now calling them 'the Mexicans'. Don't worry, they are actually Mexican, and made sure to tell my dad not to call them hispanic as they do not like it. No biggie. Respect.
But everything out of my father's mouth that day in reference to anyone different than him sounded more like an inconvieniece than an actual term of validation or respect. I went from 'Wonderful Witchy Daughter' to just 'Witchy daughter' with a look of mild discomfort. Everything I confided in him about, was now inconvienet knowledge. I pretty sure he even forgot I was Pansexual even though I was making plans with a cousin from his side to attend my first Pride since I've never had anyone to go with and felt unsafe in large gatherings without a safe person with me. Well, as the evening went on, there was a discussion between my father, me, my brother, my brother's girlfriend (who I wish wasn't there to witness any of this but I'm glad she was with my brother for the ride home), my father's girlfriend (E), and E's son.
This is where it's going to sound confusing and a little crazy. We were discussing slang in the modern age and my brother called our dad a SIMP. When my father asked what that meant, my brother explained and we were all in agreeance being a SIMP isn't always a bad thing. Especially when it's being used to downplay someones adoration of their partner. Well, then my father began to question my brother's perspective of the world and why he chooses these new slang terms instead of just speaking his own words. Well, little brother told him the truth. He had no other words of equivalence to use, as that is usually where I pull an equivalent word from the dictionary in my brain. Never got to. My father began to push my brother more to get him to explain why my brother labels people in such a way while my brother was trying to explain he just doesn't how else to express himself since he hasn't really taken the opportunity to learn more.
Well, somewhere in there, my brother was trying to discuss his feelings and understanding all the while my father was getting more and more frustrated. Accusing him of not seeing 'reality'. I feel so much guilt for this, but I fell back into old habits. Trying to play both sides to keep everyone happy. Put my mask back on and just tried to play peacekeeper to stop the hurt feelings from growing in both of them. My husband, who has his own fair share of family trauma, stepped in on my brother's behalf. Told my father he wasn't actually listening to what my brother was really saying. Then my father went on a tirade of how he works 50 hours a week and is always on call to provide for his family and how he works hard with no complaints. (Note: My brother has been struggling to find employment since the birth of his daughter and if you know anything about applying for jobs right now, you know it's not easy.) So, essentially, he attacked my brother's weakest point. I know my brother's trying. But with his health problems due to past troubles, it adds an extra level of complications that I know only make my brother feel worse.
My husband, during this, was packing up all our stuff. The baby bag for my brother and his gf, all of my stuff, and doing everything he could to get us out of there. I was standing there feeling shock and having flashbacks to the last time it got this bad. (Spoilers: it got physical between my father a brother.) In my fear, once my husband returned and gave me the look of 'we gotta go' I hugged E, her son, and even tried to hug my dad in fear of if I didn't, I'd only make it worse. All the while, he was screaming at my brother "Is that tree green?!" over and over. Looking back today I realized I wasn't in my body while the fighting started.
While we were all piling into our respective cars, my dad was still screaming but at my brother and husband saying "I love you too, husband!" "I love you, brother!" in an almost effort to make them come back and hug him or verify the sentiment was returned or as a play to see if he had control over them I'm still not fully sure.
If you're still reading, I hope I haven't wasted your time since I know it's something we'll never get back. Once I was in the car and the door was shut, I decided to call my mom since my brother and his girlfriend are living with her until they can get back on their feet. It's only been 2 months since the move so this isn't a long term thing nor has it been. I told her footnotes while hubs explained what he remembered knowing I was shutting down quickly. We just wanted to let her know in case my brother showed up still angry or very quiet just to assure her she didn't do anything and that dad 'messed up again'.
She understood the assignment and was about to check on me when my brother called. So we paused our conversation so hubs and I could talk to brother. Despite my anxiety, my brother sounded less angry but almost confident in his next choice. My father gets sober, or he never sees my neice ever again. I 110% will have his back if it comes to that since that's all I wanted when I went NC. And while I trust my brother to handle his emotions as best he can, I'm finding it hard. He sounded so sure, so confident and in the days past I thought I was going through the stages of grief. Now I'm not so sure.
When I did call my mom back after we were certain my brother was good and had his own plans of coping and someone to talk to, I asked the question I never thought I'd ask of my mom. "Mama, is Dad a Narcissist?" Her first words to follow were, "I hate to say it but..." She didn't have to finish. I got my answer. My innerchild cried. My inner teenager wanted to break everything in sight since she never got the chance to. My adult self almost disappeared since the other two were unsure of where they stood after getting everything they wanted only to discover they may have only been props to make my father look good for the next woman who had the patience to put up with him.
I feel tricked. Lied to. Shamed. Maybe even numb. Even worse, I'm pretty sure I have PMDD and undiagnosed autism because this past week I've been acting and feeling in ways I don't recognize since it's been so long since I've been like that. Crying until I vomit. Feeling undeserved anger towards anything inconvenient. So I'm also trying to navigate my real feelings from what my hormones are making worse. Logically, going NC should be easy. My father rarely reaches out anyways so ghosting him should be enough to give him a clue. My husband is prepared to defend my if he tries to show up. But I think what hurts most is the day after the incident, the only person to recieve an apology was my brother. The one with a kid. The one who can take away everything my father wants "A second chance to make it right." I know my father craves to be a dad now. Which sucks.
Anytime he'd lie to SM2 about kids, he praised to urge for a daughter. SM2 only wanted a girl because she had a name she loved. Now she's with a good man who gave her exactly what she deserved. A loving marraige and a daughter that she could give the name to. He just wanted a 'second chance'. And even when my brother's gf, who I honestly prefer to call my sisteSIL but I don't want to make things more confusing, was pregnant he wanted to be a grandfather to 'get it right this time'. Some days I wanted to scream "I'm right here! We can still make it right! Just because I'm grown doesn't mean shit!" But it's not me now that he wants. He wants that little blonde daughter who didn't know better. Who was praised in Sunday School for such a 'loving heart and giving soul'. A prop in his life to show he's a good person. Just like I think his girlfriend is realizing. "I can't be racist. Look who I'm dating!" Yes. He truly said that. I tried to speak spanish with them just because I can tell it's easier sometimes, but I was called racist for doing that. And if that does make me racist, please tell me. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable because I overcorrect to make everyone comfortable.
I don't know what to do now. Yes. NC is definitely an option, but I want to move past these emotions. I want to move past this pain. It's so bad I can feel the toll it's having on my body. I won't go TMI but I know I'm not well. Sleeping, eating, even going to the bathroom, it's painful. My body is holding in all this stress and I don't know how to make it go away. My husband tries but he's even said he doesn't know how to help. He's so wonderful. He even scratched my back for me like my grandmother did when I was little to quell an anxiety/panic attack. How do I make it stop? What steps do I take? Therapy, while I know I need, is scary where I live. The local clinic doesn't have the greatest reviews but my brother had a good experience with one of their doctors but I feel weird requesting his old therapist. Anyone else in the area doesn't have many reviews and I haven't heard much good from Better Help. I want to do good by me. I want to be better. Not better good but better in wellness.
Anyone who's been through something like this, I'd love to hear your journey and how you cope/overcame these emotions. I'm tired of constantly feeling like my 14 year old self crying herself to sleep again. I just want to start healing and I don't know how to.
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TLDR: Just found out my father's a narcissist and don't know how to cope with the information and looking for tips to heal and grow from this.
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For the MODs: If I broke any rules, feel welcome to tell me bluntly. I tried to follow everything listed but I know I am human and will mess up.

New Players Welcome!
Feel free to take your time applying and DM me if you have any questions! Applications are open through Friday!

What mysteries do the Gods Keep?

"When secrets reveal themselves, even the Gods hold their breath."
~ Keeper Theos, Ignis Familia

A little self introduction

Hi there! I'm a DM whose been running games for my friends for 4 years now. I love to world build, create engaging stories, and give my players epic moments! I aim to always make immersive experiences for my players, so they can explore all they can see.
Now a little about me. I'm a 27 year old guy from the U.S. who loves D&D. My friends call me an artist, resident nerd, and a guy who likes to cook too much. I love to DM and find new friends to share my world with and give fun challenges, great stories, and valuable rewards so every session feels like an epic adventure.

Why New Players?

We've had a few of our friends have had to step out for real life reasons so we would love to find some more friends to adventure with us!

The Party

Our party of three adventurers are taking to the wilds and open seas to unearth ancient ruins, arcane secrets, and dangerous monsters beneath the depths! The party is made of friendly, warm, and excited players who love to build moments with each other.
Party Comp! A Wizard ( Bladesinger ), and 2 Clerics! ( Knowledge & Trickery )
Please enjoy checking out the campaigns setting introduction below!

Adventures in Anglorak : Campaign Intro

Anglorak is a Theros inspired setting, full of lost empires, ancient secrets, and awaiting new heroes to rise. You can journey into monster-infested wilds, voyage across treasure-laden seas, and traverse the worlds edge before the Gods. A land where city states and sovereign regions vie for power and opportunity. Players can join factions, uncover plots, and make their mark on the world. It is a world handcrafted to make your character's shine.
Many city states and regions can be found in Anglorak. You'll find below a taste of three more powerful city-states across the landscape.

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Metio : The polis of travelers, discovery and learning. The ever winding Metian spires and waterways are home to thinkers, merchants, and scholars. It's a home for those seeking respite, refuge, and opportunity regardless of status.
Dodaca : The polis of warriors, conquest, and valor. Where politics gives sway to strength. A land of warriors, travelers, and seekers of power. It is the people of Dodaca whom drive back bestial hordes, and bring the badge of honor to every battle fought.
Tosia : The polis of passions, fury, and curiosity. The Tosian people are ever forging new ideas, trinkets, and all forms of creation. For any traveler venturing through it said you can always find an artisan for any desire one may hold.

Your Heroic Journey

For any adventure there must be a start. You'll find a campaign introduction below.

Welcome to Metio, The Polis of Fortune, the namesake capital of the Metian city state, where life is made through adventure or artistic expression shown through paintings, discoveries, or a finely crafted blade. The city's artistic expression has brought countless stories told in lands known and unknown claiming every street is lined in color, and every blade more beautiful then the last.
You find yourself searching for opportunity at the Brazen Hydra, a tavern full of bounties, ruckus, and adventurers spinning tails and plotting their next journey beyond the cities mighty walls. You had heard this is the place to find those looking for amazing talent to take on adventures.

Character Systems We Use

Milestone Leveling : The campaign is about the parties story. Achievements, story progression, and major events reward the party with levels, and even feats. I want you to be rewarded for playing your character.
Multi-Classing : Multi-Classing is allowed within what makes sense for the character. A choice should be story driven and thematic.
Level 9 Start & Magic Items : Start at the same level as the entire party, and dive right into adventure with a magical boost.
Level 1 Origin & Background Feats : Every character gets 2 bonus feats at level 1 from a set of selected story driven feats & between Tough, Magic Initiate, or Skilled.
Bonus Feats : Every time you gain an ASI you always gain a +1 to a stat and either a half or full feat.
Piety Paths : Follow your characters virtues and beliefs and earn powerful boons for following your character's goals.
Supernatural Gifts : Earn supernatural gifts to further your character's heroic journey, or even start as an oracle or iconoclast character.
Spell & Martial Mastery : Master weapons and signature spells to make them more powerful with unique versions and skills for your character.
Expanded Weapons : Get access to advanced weapon options to further develop your character.
Crafting : You can find and acquire materials to craft your own items from elemental gems to infernal weapons.
Homebrew : We use well tested homebrew to make characters feel unique and special to help flavor characters to what you want them to be. You can find this in home brew feats, spells, subclasses, and magic items.
Rule of Cool : I always support players being creative and curious. Should an action allow for something truly heroic I always give my players a shot!

World Tools

Live Calendar : A calendar of holidays and events to track your parties journey through Anglorak.
Interactive World Map : A world map full of details of landmarks, cities, and regions to help you learn and plot your path across Anglorak and beyond.
Foundry / Discord / D&D Beyond : We play our games in Foundry, and players get access to nearly all the books on D&D Beyond to develop your character, and a personal discord for the campaign.

Scheduling

Sessions are on Saturday nights starting at 8:00 PM EST.
We play 3-4 Hours weekly, going longer if time allows.

Expectations

• Be Respectful, Patient, and Supportive.
• LGBT+ friendly group & we want everyone to feel happy and comfortable.
• Attendance is important. If you miss 2 sessions without notice you'll be dropped.
• No Metagaming : I'd like players to be able to stay in character, and think in character.
• Characters must be team players : An adventurer needs a reason to travel together, look for companions, and trust each other. D&D is a collaborative story telling experience we should enjoy together.
• Communicate : Whether it is in character with other players or the world, issues or questions out of character, or advice from the DM, communicate your thoughts. We all want to have fun, and make sure nobody feels left out or confused.

Application Format :

If this kind of game sounds like a good fit for you please send me a DM following this format. We will read through every application through next week so feel free to take your time.

Name / Pronouns :
Age :
Timezone :
Tell me about you :
Your favorite part of D&D :
D&D Experience ( Any memorable moments? ) :
Campaign Expectations :
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What kind of characters do you like to play?
Character Concept(s) :

So tomorrow is my 24th birthday. I’ll be spending the day doing some city events with my fiancé and I’m pretty excited for it, but I’m still getting this feeling somewhat like a temporary depression. I’ve had this feeling on my birthday starting from around the age of 4.
Growing up, my mom always put extremely high expectations on me for my birthday. I was taught that I had to act and feel super happy the entire day (and the days leading up to it), and if I wasn’t jumping for joy the entire day, she’d put me down for it. Even at a very young age I’d start feeling sad when my birthday came because I always knew I wasn’t going to be able to live up to this expectation she’d put on me. As a kid I’d get crying spells on every birthday of mine, and of course my mom would pretty much say to me “what is wrong with you, it’s your birthday, you’re supposed to be happy!”. I love my mom, but she is a chronic gaslighter, and my birthdays (and holidays too) were some of the times she’d gaslight me the most. “We got you all these presents and here you are being sad. Stop being sad. You’re supposed to be happy”.
It wasn’t till a few years ago that I realized this is why I automatically become depressed around and on my birthday. The expectation that I was supposed to act all jolly and fake would put me down. I moved away from my parents last year and this is the first birthday I’m going to be spending without them. It’ll be just my fiancé and I, and I hate to say this, but I feel a huge amount of relief knowing that I won’t have someone breathing down my neck making sure I’m “happy” the entire day. My fiancé is aware of this and he’s made sure that I know he’s not putting any expectations on me, and words cannot express how much I appreciate this from him. We’ve been together for years and so he’s witnessed my mom doing this to me, so he understands it.
Birthdays are a special day, but they are also just another day, and things can go wrong on a birthday just like they could on any other day. If something happens tomorrow that annoys me, I won’t have to worry about hiding the way I feel. If something happens tomorrow that makes me sad, I can just let myself feel sad and not have to hide it. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit when I say my birthdays have been ruined, but I know I’ll probably always carry this baggage around. The same goes for holidays like Christmas. I’ve spoken to my mom about this, but she just doesn’t understand, so I’m expecting her to always carry this same belief/expectation.
Here’s hoping I can work through this tomorrow so I can enjoy the day for what it is. Happy birthday to all my birthday twins!

"Now," he whispered, "I deliver death."
That is where I broke, the preceding battle, culminating in this cliffhanger, wore me down. I am a binger by heart and habit, and despite spending the last year or so practicing portion control (of all kinds) dutifully reading slowly, able to experience multiple works and to read them more deeply for the pacing, I decided to indulge this once. IDK If I'll do so again, but for just this once, follow this first-timer's unjaded eyes through their breathless, awe-stricken, confused sprint across the last ninety pages of this book. Without further ado...

Epigraph

An excerpt from Faces of Darujhistan written by Maskral Jemre. The gods of Darujhistan and their faces will play extensive roles symbolically throughout the impending climax. It briefly describes the ceremonies we'll see in passing through various characters, and there's something haunting about receiving a glimpse of how the festivities ought to go and what it is that they mean.
Also, if this is the passing of winter to spring, where is Gennebakis, exactly? If the top of the continent is tundra, then Darujhistan would be much further south, (which we know) so somewhere similar to North America? Is Darujhistan in Texas?

Chapter 20

The chapter that broke me, one near unbearable buildup of pressure before the dam breaks. Here, it all begins to unfold.

Epigraph

An excerpt of T'Matha's Children by Heboric. It mentions the "the matron's//blood like ice" This feels like an allusion to the goddess of Darkness, with the Tiste Andii being cold, and all. Beyond that, it "brought light into dark and dark into light" so given the alleged history between Light and Dark, that works. Was this perhaps the creation of the Warren of Shadow? In which case, the "children of chaos" would be... the Hounds? Who knows!

The Chapter Itself

Murillio is off to confront Kruppe, musing on the turning of the Cycle of the Age. The Year of the Five Tusks, which we've been constantly reminded it is, is now giving way to the Year of the Moon's Tears. The names bear significance according to the Seers, with the god Tennerock's tusks, Hate, Love, Laughter, War, and Tears, signifying the nature of the coming Years. The device was a gift by some guy named Icarium, whom Mammot believes to be of Jaghut blood. Evidently, the Jaghut were skilled in mechanical prowess and possibly gifted enough to predict a thousand years ahead. Moon's Spawn has arrived, after all.
He collides with Kruppe, who drops a series of masks. The rotund mage informs his dear friend that his other ear friend, Lady Simtal, has invited him to attend the Fête. That they've never met is ironic, but irrelevant to Magnanimous Kruppe, friend to all. This whole interaction is fantastic, with Kruppe dropping many distractions, such as his mentioning five strangers without naming the fourth, or a series of cantrips, while Murillio dodges them as best he can. He confronts Kruppe point blank about being Lady Simtal disguised the Eel. Kruppe sighs, and modifies the courtier's memory, buying himself free reign for the night.
As Baruk waits for the Eel, he discusses attending the fête with Anomander Rake, who as elected to attend as the High Alchemist's +1. Many members of the Council and the T'orrud Cabal will be in attendance, and Rake wants an opportunity to meet/observe his allies. It'll also put him in the epicenter of the most likely place of Convergence on Genabakis. Rake learns of the new year's title, and correctly guesses Icarium's involvement, as he's evidently produced similar wheels elsewhere. This has quite a few implications, given that this person is evidently traveling with at least one god. They receive news that the Eel will reveal himself to them that night, (although Baruk as much as gives away that he's guessed the truth) as well as Mammot's recovery. The High Preist of D'Riss was able to get away with minimal difficulty and casually mentions that he's aware of the drama surrounding the Coin Bearer. He is also a member of the T'orrud Babal. Rake, asks whether Mammot will be attending the Fête, and then leaves abruptly. If only Baruk had read further into the odd departure.
Adjunct Lorn finally arrives at Worry Gate, witnessing the ritual mentioned in the Book's opening epigraph and being briefly noted by a guard. That guard is Circle Breaker, watching for the Adjunct for the Eel. Once done, he manages to trade a shift to be at the Fête himself. Interestingly, he tells the guard next to him his name, which we do not ever get to know (at least not in GotM)
Lorn enters a bar, and stumbles upon the Bridgeburners. Fiddler is running one of his games, which we get to see more fully here. The game is played with a Deck and depicts the scene in the Gadrobi Hills where Paran met Rake. Tattersail did believe the Sapper to be a Tallent, after all. The game ends predicting Lorn's death, this reading is affirmed by the orb. Whiskeyjack arrives and catches up Lorn with a modified version of events, including their loss of Sorry. Lorn comes to the realization that this man had debated tactics with Dassem Ultor, so there's not much she can do to break him. She asks the name of the estate and announces she will return in two hours, without dropping anything off.
Crokus and Apsalar watch the revelry escalate down below them. They discuss their plans for the evening, the thief growing ever more conflicted about his feelings. Apsalar mentions something within her holding her sanity together. It seems Rigga remains at work. Serrat, meanwhile, creeps up the steps below, comically over-warded and utilizing an abundance of caution. She's immediately thwarted by a mysterious someone, threatening with enough force on behalf of "the Prince" to drop the hunt against the Coin Bearer, with a comical pop, she disappears.
In an age of wind and barren stone, a Jaghut and his mother wander the land, scattered as all their people, thwarting the potential of collected power. A self-imposed Babel, of sorts. The child, young by Jaghut standards, grows observing the powers of the winds shape and mould the earth to their liking. He takes after this, destroying his horrified mother in the process. He starts with lone Jaghut, but they resist or else escape him, brief satisfaction, but not enough. He takes to subjugating the beasts, the winds, the earth, the plants. The earth resists and bucks the subversion of its evolved order, yet not without the death of countless species. Then he meets the Imass, thinking creatures like the Jaghut, yet comically short-lived. These he can use, confounding them in cycles of invention, war, loss, discovery, rediscovery, rediscovery, rediscovery. They invent for themselves a god at the head of all things, and he fancies it to be himself, they discover tyranny of all forms for themselves, and he laughs. A True First Empire, a gathering of minds subjugated under an unbreakable bond. Tool's history proves backward. Then come the Jaghut, unified under a force so great that it tears through even this great Tyrant like paper, and Raest was subjugated, killed, and depowered. A barrow erected, a hemisphere frozen over for good measure. In the intervening years, the T'Lan Imass gather power of their own and wage genocide against the very Titans who were their salvation. Two enter the barrow, the threadbare mind of the once-god coalesces, he is freed, his Finnest stolen. With a concussive force, Raest, the First Emperor of Man, Jaghut Tyrant, steps into a new world.
High above, the Crone watches him emerge as four Black Soultaken Dragons and the Red Dragon Silanah, fly in to stop the monster. We get some old language of some sort, possibly Jaghut? "Dragnipurake" is of course the name of the Sword plus the suffix -Rake, "Draconiaes" seems to refer to, well, dragons, "t'na" is a conjunction of some sort? And finally, Eleint, which is whatever the Dramatis Personae names Silanah. Crone flies high, ready to watch the show unfold.
Raest emerges, and casually injures Burn on his way out, nuking a range of hills in the process. He considers waking her as well. This is a walking apocalyptic event, and our dear Anomander opted to join a party. He notices the dragons, and Holy Moly the fight that ensues is great. I'd mention highlights but that'd just be a beat-by-beat. He offers the Soletaken Tiste Andii to join him, but they refuse. Also of note, he calls Silanah a "Tiem." He rebuffs their initial assault and, telekinetically holding his body together, prepares to deliver death.

Chapter 21

A Chapter in two halves, beginning with our principal cast all filling into their positions for the climax, making last-minute pivots and discoveries. It ends with the fulfillment of the revenge plot against Lady Simtal and Turban Orr, and what a fulfillment it is! If only we don't feel so hollow afterwards.

Epigraph

An excerpt of Anomandris which is, interestingly enough, written by Fisher, the Rumor Born guy. Also, this is like the first bit of Anomandris we've seen since Tattersail and Calot tag-teamed a quotation in Ch. 2 (which also mentions it was written by Fisher, lol) and seems to recount the initial arrival of the dragons. First contact between the dragons and Tiste Andii? Who knows! (Actually, quite a few people probably know at this point)

The Chapter Itself

Lorn buries the Finnest in the garden at Simtal's estate. She observes the bustling crowds and almost breaks down at the sight. So much life reminds her of the many cities she's infiltrated before. The recollection of humanity becomes a cacophony, no one life worth any more than the millions around them. The Adjunct breaks at this, and Lorn has to will herself to don the persona again, with Sorry out of the picture, only the Coin Bearer remains. With her last chance to bail out behind her, the Adjunct begins moving towards her failure and death, foretold with certainty by the unwitting Tallent of Fiddler.
Meanwhile, in the Phoenix Inn, the Eel contemplates his next moves, whilst failing to button his coat. He decides that it is time for Circle Breaker to retire, for his own safety. He suspects that someone other than himself has been protecting the Coin Bearer, while the path to ultimate safety for the boy remains elusive. Most concerningly, the patterns in his head end tonight, the outcome of this Convergence is undecided.
Crokus and Apsalar, meanwhile, leave the Temple for the Fête. To the northeast, a "storm" of low rumbling thunder and ochre clouds builds and grows ever closer. As the thief is led down from the tower by Aps, he has another internal crisis. He really doesn't know Challice, and Apsalar's constant ease within his presence is confounding. Dude, she literally took a name axiomatically aligned with your life, take a hint.
The Captain of Simtal's guards berates the Bridgeburnurs for not all being Barghast, but agrees to pay them anyways. He stations them near the garden, as it's recently gotten a bit overgrown, and instructs them to steer the crowds away. Quick Ben and Mallet update Whiskeyjack on the encroaching Tyrant, and they agree to play things by ear if the monster gets any nearer.
Kalam and Paran leave the Phoenix Inn, not after the assassin makes a major threat to Scurve to, by any means necessary contact the city's Master of Assasins with their offer. They leave to find the Adjunct and put her to rest. Kalam takes note of the Greyfaces and begins to be bothered by their movements, for some reason.
Baruk arrives with Rake at the Fête. Despite the encroaching threat, the Tiste Andii seems unbothered, relaxed even. Turban Orr watches the two arrive with Lady Simtal. The Alchemist's mask is barely sufficient. Both a denial and an admission of secret power, depending on the viewer. Rake's mask is of a smug black and silver dragon. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Anomander Rake is That Guy. Still love him, though. The Councilman introduces himself and is introduced in turn to Lord Anomander Rake. The scene plays out humorously, with Orr unaware of how wildly out of his league he is, but does contain one odd detail. Rake, despite running Moon's Spawn, considers his title to be honorary, given by his people. Murillio and Rallick, begrudgingly aware of Kruppe's perfect mask choices, watch the High Alchemist and the Councilman converse, then nearly have an aneurysm over Kruppe (whom they were just praising) and his shenanigans. Kruppe, wearing the mask of a cherub slightly less innocent than himself (although not nearly so clever) bumbles his way toward Baruk and Rake, the latter of whom displays incredulity over this possibly being the Eel. Wise and discerning Kruppe the First notes Rake's nature as an inhuman Lord from high above, and a dragon. Of course, this is all a misunderstanding, and he apologizes, betrays himself as an eel of sorts, and leaves to inspect the kitchen.
Turban Orr, meanwhile, finds himself unable to enjoy the party. The last two weeks have exhausted him, all his plans confounded, and his spy still unfound. He, at last, discovers Circle Breaker, in a chance passing, but is intercepted by a man in a Trake mask. The man practically insists on insulting the Councilman, and Orr, his temper ratcheted up by the past several days, decides to indulge his wrath on this peon. Orr calls for a duel, politically selecting Councilman D'Arle as his second. Meanwhile, Murillio draws deep on his well of suave and seduces Simtal in record time. The duel will go uninterrupted. Down by the terrace, Baruk contemplates interceeding, but declines. Curiously, he considers Rallick his closest friend, explaining the Otataral gift, but it is a shame we never go to see the two interact, there's a story there. Rake offers to be RN's second, and my hype has hit yet another threshold. Here is where I leave my desk for a mandated break, I'm not the sort of person who eats and reads, so I'm mentally cussing the entire way there and back. Baruk meets Mammot on his way to the duel and notes the scholar's accurate Jaghut mask; although Mammot recognizes minute flaws in the design, Baruk thinks nothing of this. Stranger still, despite Oppon's luck drawing Crokus to the party, it is also keeping him away from his uncle.
The Bridgeburners watch everyone filter out into the courtyard by the garden, watching the preparations for the duel. Though they notice Rake, this doesn't amount to much. Quick Ben updates the group on their timetable with the Tyrant, and they make preparations to blast the estate then the city.
Crokus finds Challice; without a method of reaching her at the moment he is distracted by the duel. Kruppe, finds the boy and nabs him while passing a note off to Circle Breaker. The note grants Circle Breaker the right to retire, as well as land and a title in the city of Dhavran (the map shows this to be along the western bank of Lake Azur) as thanks for being the Eel's most trusted servant. The circle is mended (whatever that means, there seems to be a story there) and he can at last rest. Despite everything going down in this and subsequent chapters, this storyline had me by far the most hyped. Good job man, you've earned it.
Baruk offers to referee, and the participants take their places. Turban Orr's grandstanding, and the seconds' lack of comments each take as much time as the fight itself. As everyone notes, this is not a duel, but a public murder. That Anomander Rake decides to get publicly entangled in the proceedings not to comment or contribute at all, but just to watch this fool get merc'd, strikes me as darkly funny. Orr is dead and as Rallick quietly gloats to the corpse, the scandal is broached, and the hostess is nowhere to be found. A large woman in a green dress approaches Baruk and Rake, introduced as the Witch Derudan, another member of the Cabal. Also, she has a personal servant to carry a hookah with her at all times. They leave Rake's presence to discuss some matters.
Simtal, meanwhile, finally arrises from her 30 minutes with Murillio, becoming aware of some great disturbance downstairs. She begins dressing and is interrupted by Rallick Nom entering the room. Rallick stays only long enough to convey his purpose and her situation. It is Murillio who stays a moment to watch the woman process what has become of her. Years of machinations and backroom (or perhaps, bedroom) deals all hinging on the continued support of those around her. With no one, the vultures and enemies she's made will come, likely they've already begun. Murillio leaves a dagger and grants her the privacy to escape the coming storm.
Lady Simtal, you deserved this but that doesn't make what was done to you right. What business does justice have with cruelty? Swearing by the Lady of Beggers, Murillio comes to the crashing realization of what this night has cost his soul. Coll is reinstated, yes, but at incalculable cost to his dearest friends.
Crokus, meanwhile, finally gets the opportunity to peel away from Kruppe and approach Challice, after getting the girls attention, she runs over to him, overjoyed to finally have a moment alone with...Gorlas. Panicking, Crokus does the sane thing and kidnaps her, because that'll make this run smoother, y'kow?
At the first opportunity, Circle Breaker sneaks out of the estate and into the night a free man. Passing a food-comatose Kruppe, he leaves smiling, awed by his own escape.

Chapter 22

A major action climax for a few plotlines, with a resolution I've vacillated between sour and sweet on, currently resting at sweet as I've processed things.

Epigraph

A poem titled Ravens by Collitt. Acknowledging the Great Ravens as a sign of disaster, the poet fears and reveres them. Politically, this is one of my favorites thus far. Also, I love the connection between the Great Ravens and, well, normal ravens. Ravens are carrion feeders, who gather at signs of battle. Sapient Great Ravens gather at the signs of great events and cataclysmic battles, searching for "interesting" events. That's just a really fun connection.

The Chapter Itself

Two of the Soultaken driven from battle, Raest prepares for his final thrust. The Gadrobi Hills are devastated, sundered by his travels and battle. He's killed a few odd creatures along his path as well, who we recognize as the garrison that helped Coll and Paran, as well as Councilman Orr's messenger to Pale. Cresting a hill, he is briefly in awe of Darujhistan, then offers Silanah one last opportunity to retreat. She makes no reply, nor is she even prepared for battle. Raest steps forward, away from Genebakis and into another time, within the dreams of a great, pudgy mage.
Despite his best attempts, Raest can do nothing to kill the creature, introducing itself as Kruppe. He informs the Tyrant that he bows to no one, Tyrant or god; in the face of such indifference, there is nothing Raest can do. Beset by a T'lan Imass from behind; despite his best efforts, Onos T'oolan cannot be bound by the Jaghut, as our dear Tool is called by an ancient call of a Bonecaster, Pran Chole's. Befuddled by such impotence on his part, Raest is befuddled further still by the appearance of another interloper, K'Rul. He initially mistakes him for Hood (which greatly alters my estimation of the god's lifespan) although he only refers to him as the Death Wanderer, as opposed to the god of Death. K'Rul warns Raest of the arrival of Anomander Rake and the new form of death he brings with him. Raest scoffs at this initially, but K'Rul makes a fascinating revelation. The flow of power between the gods and mortals has shifted, though of it the mortals are ignorant. I suppose when you have mages mastering domains and relics capable of drawing the gods who wield them, it makes sense. Anything less than omnipotence can be overmastered. K'Rul also repeats his Maker of Paths title and reveals his aspect "was the Obelisk." So he's Burn's predecessor and not Hood's. Given Burn's Sleep began nearly 1200 years ago, that gives us a roughly 800-year window for the shift, given Darujhistan's founding, whatever Crokus may say. This whole sequence is filled with even more magic technobable, but I'll move on. Title of Sword? Moved to the Realms of Chaos, K'Rul's birthplace? I'll figure it out eventually. With a hollow laugh, Raest collapses into dust, his spirit invading a new body.
Kalam and Paran creep into Simtal's garden, finding there a young woman, along with a curious structure. The woman turns out to be Sorry, yet not Sorry. Kalam prevents the Captain from killing her outright, instead ascertaining that she has no memory or deeply incomplete memories of her time in the Bridgeburners. Kalam's reaction to being called a friend is priceless. They observe the structure, a tree stump that is somehow growing from moment to moment, frustrating the eyes as it does. At this moment, one is reminded of the acorn and the Finnest. Paran leaves to fetch Mallet, wondering if the healer could aid the girl.
Rallick, gripped with a malaise he cannot account for, stumbles to leave the party. What if Coll doesn't take his old Lordship back? Would what he's done be justified even if he does? As a reader, I have to wonder, how much of the blame lies on Oppon, and how much on RN himself? Interrupting his musings, he stumbles across a disgruntled and awake Kruppe. The mage is worried, although trusts K'Rul's words that the world as it is now would be enough to put down Raest. The assassin leaves Kruppe behind and is approached by a woman in a featureless mask, who circuitously reveals herself to be Vorcan. She mentions Councilman Orr possessed protective magics that Rallick somehow trivialized. For that reason, she requires his services now. One last note on their conversation here, that RN was fine submitting to punishment helps show how defeated he is, now that his slavish devotion to the plan justifying his own humanity is over with. Defending someone else's humanity cannot serve as a substitute for your own, Rallick, and I feel you know this now.
Crokus, meanwhile, is totally bungling his attempts to speak with Challice. Promising not to hurt her, after a slew of threats, of course, he lets her speak. She reveals that she never betrayed him and that they'd always known the Rope was behind the guard's death. Horrified, Crokus reels from the revelation, wondering what exactly is going on. Chalice restates her love for Gorlas (or more tellingly, his station and his love for her) and her desire to have nothing to do with Younghand's cloak-and-dagger shenanigans. She slips up at the end, patronizing him briefly, and Crokus (more than a little hypocritically) accuses her of romanticizing the dangers of the real world. They part on the worst possible terms.
Mallet, for his part, refuses to enter the garden. Recognizing the power within and its hunger, he demands Paran bring Sorry to him. She heads to the healer smilingly, and Kalam expresses regret that she hadn't smiled before. Mallet discovers Rigga's presence within the girl, torn whether to help what little remains of the Wax Witch to integrate Sorry's history into Apsalar's consciousness safely. Paran advises the healer to trust it. Rallick, Vorcan, and Crokus all enter the glade, the latter staying hidden. Paran meets them as they discuss the stump, with Vorcan asking Rallick to sit on it and dampen its growth. It's here that Rallick just outright admits to knowing the substance he'd used was Otataral dust, rendering my whole Eureka moment a bit... moot. Also, Rallick knew what it was the whole time?! Why play coy with something you'll eventually give to us outright, Erikson? It's either a mystery or not. There have been a handful of moments like this, where a mystery will be teased and then casually solved. It - I - uh, whatever I guess. That's only the second most infuriating reveal in this chapter anyway.
Kalam offers Vorcan 900k golden doubloons jakatas and a High Fist position to kill off the T'orrud Cabal. Paran assures her that Malazan can scare off the Son of Darkness, having done so twice before. Vorcan personally accepts the contract and after charging Rallick with sitting on the stump until a better solution can be reached, leaves to prepare for the grim task. After everyone leaves, Rallick invites Crokus out of the glade and charges the boy with warning Mammot and Baruk of their impending danger. At that moment, something occurs outside of the garden, and the stump grows past Rallick's ability to contain it.
Sensing the disturbance at the Fête, Baruk laments leaving so early. Rake assures him the situation is under control, but stops himself from revealing one other piece of information, his eyes betraying a quiet sadness. He then offers to help clear the streets for something else coming, using Dragnipur to clear a passage to K'Rul's Belfry after warning Baruk of Malazan's impending assassination attempt.
At the Fête, Raest arives. Subsuming the mind of Mammot, whom he'd imprinted upon while waking, he launches an assault upon the partygoers. Quick Ben manages to save Derudan in the initial volley, which tears through the estate in a series of propagating bolts of power. Whiskeyjack's leg is crushed under a pillar, down for the count, and Captain Paran appears to be instantly vaporized in the initial assault. Derudan and QB launch twin assaults on Raest, quickly draining the Witch.
Here we have what is likely the most vexing scene in the entire book. Or, perhaps, the start of several compoundingly vexing scenes. Paran drops into what seems to be yet another warren, a swamp of sorts, within which a T'lan Imass (likely Tool) and a wooden approximation of a Jaghut fight. Behind the Captain, a house grows out of the swamp. The Imass warns Paran that something called an Azath is not yet ready to contain the animate Finnest. Paran resolves to hold the Finnest until the Azath is made ready. Launching a blast against Paran's very soul, the Finnest circumvents even Chance, or perhaps the blade has at last betrayed him. The Finnest demands total submission, but Paran refuses. Within him, the... Blood of a Hound? wells up, refusing to be subdued. Did the souls of the Hounds follow Paran back out of Dragnipur? That was roughly when Paran's whole "no one's gonna control me" arc began in full. Anyway, Perrin Paran throws himself against the Finnest, tearing into it with fists, claws, and teeth, holding it down until he is shaken out of his blood fury. The Azath is finished and draws the Finnest below the mud. Paran is shunted out of the Warren into the material plane.
Noting Paran's return, Quick Ben assaults the Tyrant with everything he has, opening SEVEN Warrens within himself. A feat that is later noted to be theoretically impossible. He burns through the monster, reducing it to an animate, humanoid totem of ash. Raest retaliates, forcibly closing QB's Warrens one after another. QB is about to give up, before noticing Hedge, off to the side, a pyromanic grin on his face, Ben dives, covering Derudan and his ears. The sapper fires, blasting Mammot's body to smithereens. Paran runs off to inform WJ as QB notices something coalescing in the bottom of Hedge's crater.
It is then that the Azath drags the remaining spirit of Raest kicking and screaming into the garden. So, it turns out Azaths are a known force in this world, but I'll get to that later. I will note its appearance is a surprise to everybody. Was it the acorn? But if the Jaghut could seal the Finnest in an Azath, why not just go all the way? Many questions and few answers. Derudan leaves, and Fiddler and Hedge are sent off to blast the city. Kalam then finally realizes the potential danger of not only blowing up the City of Blue Fire, but of doing so at major infrastructure hubs. Took y'all long enough.

Chapter 23

A resolution to all but one of our action climaxes, and a final unveiling of several long-standing plans. We're solidly in the endgame now, and somehow only speeding up.

Epigraph

After a long hiatus, we receive another excerpt of Call to Shadow, this one seemingly referring to Simtal's suicide. Given that the author is apparently Paran's sister, the nature of the work is becoming clearer, this is a recounting of the events here in Darujhistan. I'm a bit unclear as to why its specifically attributed to Shadow, aside from Shadow's interference being the inciting incident to all this mess. Perhaps that's sufficient, however. What we can tell from this is that Paran eventually meets with Fellisin again, despite his status as a traitor. So while we can't tell whether or not this will all have a happy ending, we can tell the Paran siblings will make it that far at least.

The Chapter Itself

Paran, running through the undergrowth, is drawn into yet another Warren, ambushed by Rood. After nearly tearing the Captain apart, the Hound relents, confused by a sense of kinship. Cotilion appears, complaining that the Captain should interfere with House Shadows, especially given his growing enmity with the Empress. Even still, Cotillion will try again, correcting for the flaws of the initial plan. He considers his treatment of Sorry merciful, insofar as the necessary evil could be. Paran offers Cotillian Chance, seeing as how his luck has finally turned, and the Rope accepts with the intent to strike back at the Twins. Paran wakes back in the garden and leaves to find the Adjunct.
So, what was Oppon's plan for the captain? His use of Chance infuriated Hairlock and the Hounds, drawing the two together, and evidently claiming the Hounds' souls/blood in the process. Thus, Paran was able to resist the Finnest and buy the Azath time. The only issue was that is the Brother's actions in Dragnipur seemed to be surprised by the whole episode. An act? Beyond that, Paran also played half the role in freeing Sorry, thwarting Shadow's aims at Empire. j
Crokus, traumatized by the sight of Mammot possessed, burned, blown to bits, and claimed by the roots of the Azath, runs to find Baruks home. He (and the audience) can only hope that Mammot himself was released to death before the Azath took the possessed body. Running through the streets of Darujhistan, he finally comes to realize why they've emptied so. Rake has moved Moon's Spawn directly overhead, looming as if to crush the city at any moment.
The Adjunct tails the Coin Bearer, sensing the Jaghut Tyrant's death. Assuming Rake's involvement in the defeat, she releases Tayscheren's Ace in the Hole. A Lord of the Gaylen demons, powerful enough to challenge an ascendant, the intended follow-up in the one-two punch which would finish off Rake or Raest, whoever survived their clash. The Adjunct then tails the Coin Bearer further, considering the woman Lorn dead for good. She does not even consider the Adjunct human, but a tool. Lost entirely in her own justification, the Adjunct carries on.
Baruk mourns Mammot in his study. He's deduced too late that Rake knew all along, choosing to shield Baruk from the anticipation of his possessed friend's impending death. The Witch Derudan arrives, prepared to mourn with him, as an act of love. She informs Baruk of the extraordinary circumstances surrounding Mammot's death, as well as the conjuration of an Azath in Darujhistan. The specific use of the word conjuration implies something caused its appearance, though if not the acorn, I couldn't guess what. They feel the release of the demon lord, as well as two more of the Cabal members at the hand of Vorcan.
Anomander Rake, atop the belfry of K'Rul's temple. Silahnah arrives, but Rake asks she leave, she's done enough for today. K'Rul himself arrives, and the two speak of their misplaced wandering within this world. Rake knows no other life than wandering from battle to battle, yet it does not fulfill him. The elder god, having failed to receive the advice he craves, leaves the Lord to his battle. Rake watches as the Galen arises, and begins changing form. Rake then shapeshifts, rising higher, higher, higher above the city into a Silvermaned Black Dragon, more massive even than Silanah, and dives towards his ignorant prey.
The Adjunct formerly known as Lorn moves to kill the Coin Bearer at last. She's interrupted by, of all people, a member of the Crimson Guard.* Fingers, Sixth Blade of the Crimson Guard, grabs Crokus and escorts him to Baruk's place personally. During their discussion, Crokus at long last learns of his nature as the Coin Bearer, and is advised to lose the item as soon as his luck runs out. It is the CG who have been protecting the boy. After breaking away from Blues, a gravely injured Adjunct runs into Meese and Iralta, who finish her off.
* Upon review, Caladan Brood does commit some Crimson Guard members to protect the Coin Bearrer in Ch. 10 debriefing with Crone, just a bit circumlocutiously. He even names the sixth blade, and Kallor immediately takes it to mean they're interfering with Rake.
Paran comes across the Adjunct, injured beyond saving, or at least, dying faster than a healer can be acquired. She laments her ironic, inglorious death, and barely has time to marvel over Paran's return from the dead. The two share a moment of cold sympathy before her end. Paran claims the Otataral blade for himself. The Twins appear before him, begging for protection from Shadowthrone. Paran tells them off, and quietly picks up the Adjunct, returning to the Phoenix Inn.

Chapter 24

The breathless end of it all, flowing almost immediately into subsequent adventures. Anything I'm not fully satisfied with is at least spoken to, promising further resolution or explanation later.

Epigraph

An excerpt of a poem titled Azath by Adaephon. Written as if narrated by the titular entity, the poem speaks a bit about their purpose. Both a lure and a prison to the power-crazed, an endless prison in a world where death is trivialized to the powerful. It is interesting how much of a known entity these are, despite us not hearing about them until well after its arrival, and that no one (outside of possibly Rake) considered the Convergence would produce one. Ah, well.

The Chapter Itself

Crokus cannot enter Baruk's compound, being frustrated by the High Alchemist's wards. Fortunately, he has one last bit of luck. The Demon Lord crashes to the ground, slammed by Rake's assault from above. The crash shatters the gate and any potential wards. Both dragons shift back to their base forms, and the Galayn taunts Rake. Crokus feels someone walk up behind him, and the Lord of Moon's Spawn asks that Crokus flees. He notes that he is speaking with the Coin Bearer, but Brood's "request" and the impending fight save the lad. Rake and the Demon Lord fight, sword to axe, and while the contest isn't quite the spectacle of Raest soloing five dragons, its pretty great. We even get a bit of lore out of it. It seems indeed that some version of the story Tool told Lorn was true, Dark birthed Light, but then light was corrupted. Demons being corrupted denizens of Light is, well, exactly on brand, so that tracks. Crokus watches in horror as the Galayn Lord is subsumed into the black blade. AR then turns with exhaustion to the lad, and asks him to warn Baruk of the impending danger.
Baruk and Derudan have set up a magical barrier, but Baruk hesitates to enter it. His hesitation buys him nothing, however, as Vorcan attacks just as the ward is shattered outside. She is forced back by a Tiste Andii assassin, Serrat, who is stabbed by the Master of Assassins. Derudan is similarly stuck down, minutely to slow to take advantage of the distraction. Baruk, fleeing, runs to the door, in which is Crokus, who is able to (luckily) land two near impossible blows against Vorcan, by way of thrown bricks. She flees, and Baruk gets up, moving to save the injured. Serrat has passed, but Baruk reveals that he is able to save Darudan by curing the white paralt in her system.* They mourn Mammot, and then the young thief leaves to find Apsalar.
*Which is also just named outright as a spider, but this one annoys me far less than the Otataral thing.
I'll skip a scene breifly to maintain momentum, but it works in the chapter as is.
Rallick watches the stump, now a house, contemplating the capture he saw earlier. He is experiencing an unaccountable euphoria, believing the house to be "right, and just." Vorcan arrives, begging Rallick to protect her, before fainting. He picks her up, and with no better ideas, runs headlong into the cognitohzardous house, disappearing to we know not where. I suspect we haven't seen the last of either Rallick Nom or Vorcan, but that is the last we see of either this book. Korlat, a Tiste Andii assassin and sister to Serrat, enters the glade. She regards the Azath edielmarn or "Pillar of Innocence" and decides against the pursuit further. To continue the hunt would be to destroy the Azath, and its youthful innocence. In this, Korlat takes after the Queen of Darkness, who defended Light when it too was youthful and innocent. Oddly, in this, Korlat morally succeeds where Rallick failed. We learn that other objects such as this exist, such as the Deadhouse in Malaz city, where Kellanved and Dancer evidently walked through its... Gates. So we know people can leave these things, giving some hope for Rallick an Vorcan's return. Also, considering the heights to which the two Ascended after entering, first through Empire then godhood, R and V may have a long road ahead of them. Who knows? as my cheaky pun earlier hinted, I'm aware of the next book's title, so we may be seeing them soon.
Back at the Phoenix Inn, Whiskeyjack contacts Dujek to update him as to the nights proceedings. Tayscheren is in a coma after what happened to the Galayn Lord, and WJ states that they'll not be taking the city, for fear of detonating the natural gas caverns beneath. This is of course, a problem. The what's left of the 2nd is loosing Pale, Caladan Brood has marched south as Dujek guessed, and brought two other armies besides with him, beyond this, Laseen has outlawed Dujek himself, as Seven Cities is to close to rebellion for him to be useful in saving it in time. The Empire has now severed its last link to the Old Guard as a result.
The Black Moranth stand with Onearm, and will pick up the Bridgeburners once they're out of the city. WJ is made Dujek's second, and Paran is placed in charge of the BBs. Hopefuly, Brood knows enough about the Pannion Seer to accept Dujek's force's continued existence. Though they're free to walk, all of WJ's squad resolves to stay with the rebels, with two slight exeptions. Kalam and Fiddler have decided to leave with Apsalar, whom they're taking home; they commit to return once that is over with. WJ notices Coll is awake, but the Lord only offers them passage out of the city in gratefulness.
The main text of the novel ends with Kruppe, Murillio, and Crokus walking towards the Phoenix Inn. Kruppe assuages Crokus's worries by reassuring him that he knows Apsalar's location, and shrugs off concerns over Rallick, speaking more to the man's likely safety. We find out Challice was saved by Gorlas, tying off that loose end, and begins to regale them with the tale of how Darujistan was saved and Coll was reinstated, with his heroic aid, of course.

Book 7: The Fête

An excellent climax all around, pulling out every stop. While the initial experience was a bit jarring, with all the revelations, I am satisfied as I've let it sit. On the whole, I probably prefer a slower reading pace, but once I committed to finishing the whole thing, I was fine riding it out.
I'm straining against Reddit's 40k charachter limit, so I'll give my thoughts on the Epilogue, a deeper dive into the side materials, as well as thoughts on the novel as a whole soon.

Hi, I’m a 29yo male and about a month ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. That felt like a revelation that suddenly locked so many things into place for me and just made so much sense (the rejection sensitivity, inability to sit and watch tv after work, getting super interested in something only to never think about it again in a week), but there were still questions left unanswered and kind of didn’t fit with just ADHD. So for the last month I’ve been reading about autism and felt like some of the things I do might fit with that, but some don’t really. I was wondering if maybe some of you kind people could help me see if trying to get an ASD diagnosis would be worth it or if I’m totally wrong with this.
I do have to warn childhood stuff won’t be very complete as I have a lot of trouble remembering specifics from my childhood, maybe up to as late as 7th grade. Also sorry for the length.
I don’t remember having some specific or abnormal interests as a child, other than maybe being more into history/war stuff than others. I always did extremely well in my history tests and found it extremely easy to remember different dates of things and later different bills and their impacts. I do have a distinct memory of choosing to read history books about WWII as early as like 2nd grade and got a lot of books about it as gifts for birthdays and holidays. As I got older that’s evolved more into an interest in general politics. I’m constantly reading about different systems, different current events, bills being debated and passed and what’s in them. I would say I’m much more politically educated and engaged than anyone else I know. This has lasted my entire life, so doesn’t seem to be a hyper fixation ADHD thing to me.
I was a shy kid, I do remember needing time with someone before really opening up to them but once I did, things felt pretty smooth and I would talk to them just fine. This has followed into adulthood as well. I am very nervous meeting new people for the first time and would much prefer to stick with the group of friends I made in high school. I’m friendly to one or two new people brought in at a time (girlfriends of friends for example) but to be invited to someone else’s second friend group is very stressful and I have opted in the past to just stay home instead. I also absolutely dread one on one hang outs. I feel like I need other people around to riff off or things will get really quiet and uncomfortable.
I have mild sensory problems, which I know is also an ADHD thing but felt worth it to mention at least. Tags on clothes have always had to get taken off, seams in socks always had to be in a specific spot on my foot (my dad would have to rub my feet after putting socks on to prevent a meltdown), clothes that are too tight are a big no, switching seasons from shorts to pants is a nightmare, people talking over music or tv gives me anxiety and I can’t distinguish which is which, my dogs getting excited gives me enough anxiety to cause a meltdown (I’ve often said I like the idea of dogs more than the actual presence), textures of food can make or break the meal and a surprise change in texture will completely end the meal etc.
I think I do stim a bit, but that could also be ADHD. I definitely rock back and forth a lot when stressed or when trying to wind down. And I’ve always whistled when happy/getting into the zone. The whistling was so obviously connected to good feelings that if I hadn’t done it that day my dad would ask me what’s wrong. I feel anxiety in my hands and will often wring/squeeze them to calm down.
I sometimes find it hard to actually feel things. I feel like I either am numb or extremely emotional (furious or sobbing). I also don’t miss people how others do, I think. I changed states a lot before high school and so I had to leave friends behind and every single time they were out of my life I never missed them. I would recall stories about them as funny or something but never felt sad they were gone or like I should keep that connection. This is weird though because during lockdown I was feeling horrible not being able to spend time with my friend group, I felt so alone.
The biggest reason I feel like I don’t have autism is the communication issues associated with ASD. I feel like I can very easily and clearly tell what people are feeling by their facial expressions and know if something is inappropriate to say or rude. I have a friend who I think probably is autistic and he will say things to people and I immediately know that was rude or unkind while they are surprised when the person they said it to has a negative reaction. The closest I’ve had to this is conversations with my wife, sometimes I make observations or comments that feel harmless but really hurt her feelings. I can also pretty reliably tell if someone is lying and do a decent job of lying myself. I do have a serious problem recognizing faces and am often saying “oh they look like X” and everyone around me saying “wtf no they don’t”. I also didn’t have any language development problems as far as I’m aware. I’ve always been very good at English and got straight A’s in it easily. In fact, my sister would often make comments while we were growing up like “you don’t talk like anyone I know, you always use such proper language”.
Again sorry for the essay, I just wanted to be thorough. I would love to know people’s thoughts if maybe this is just ADHD or if I could have ASD too. Thanks!
Edit: oh no I forgot! I also definitely have a tendency to info dump about things like tv shows or movies that I’m really into (and will try to steer conversations to that topic) and don’t let other people get a word in, and definitely need to feel like a topic is “complete” before we can move onto the next one. I’ll often circle back to things in talking to people to try to finish what I wanted to say or to get more information out of them. My dad has a bad habit of going on tangents when I talk to him and I’m always going “yeah…so anyway this thing I was saying”. I also feel like when I’m talking to people I’m often either trying to look interested enough or thinking about what I actually want to talk about, but not always actually actively listening to them. I also definitely prefer routine, and doing something different and spontaneous after work will put me in a pretty bad mood but doesn’t cause a meltdown the same way as sensory overstimulation does. The routine extends to driving to somewhere, whatever the first way I learned to get there was that’s the way I go every time. Even if a different way is faster.

I moved abroad 10 years ago to study and, at the end of my studies, I got a job in the same countries. I haven't returned to live in my country but I visit frequently and all my holidays are spent visiting family.
I am currently living with my girlfriend (who I also met abroad) and we have a 2yo son. We have another baby coming soon and are currently renting, basically using all the money we make on rent, utilities and groceries. We have a decent life but it's getting tight and, with two kids, we are now looking for more stability.
We finally make enough money that we are able to buy a house. It will require a huge mortgage and using all our savings, which have partly been given to us by our families thoroughout our childhoods. We have started the search and a lot of our time and mental energy is spent on this effort.
Now, I love my parents, they've always supported me both economically and mentally, especially during my studies and the beginning of my career. However, they've always hoped I'd eventually go back to my country and be closer to them. They've more or less been explicit about this for years and especially now that their grandkids are here.
They're not happy I'm buying a house abroad and whenever I've brought the topic up, they've either changed the subject (my dad) or expressed their sadness (my mom). They never ask questions about it.
I'm really bummed about it because I would have imagined that they'd be happy about it, as I see it as a big milestone for me. By contrast, my girlfriend's parents, who also live in a different country, are very happy for us and will help with some money. I haven't asked my parents for any money and, trying to be honest here, I don't think that's why I resent them. But resent them I do and I can't shake the feeling that they're being selfish about it. Because of this, I've been more and more distant with them but still call at least once a week.
AITA?

So..I’ll be talking about how I can’t seem to make any true friends despite treating everyone well. By true friends, I mean friends I can open up and show my ugliest side to comfortably, friends I can truly call a bestie/close friend. A little context: I’m 17f, studying in poly whereas my sec sch friends are all in JCs.
P.s Idk why I suddenly turned to Reddit, but I guess it’s because I dh a community to open up to,, btw it’s my first time making a tread/post or wtv this is because I’ve only ever used Reddit for exam answers LOL and ironically,, it’s my bday. I’m not too sure who will read this or how the Reddit algorithm works, but it’s nice to get this off my chest anyhow.
To start off, what made me question my friendship is, well, my bday >.< Hear me out! Usually, I would try to give my close friends the best experience for their bday. In sec sch, I had many friends and maybe 2-3 cliques (everyone are friends actly), but only 2 ppl were considered close. Let’s name them person A and B.
I’ve always spent arnd an hr crafting long msgs (about 500 words) for them, expressing my heartfelt emotions and gratefulness towards them. This year, I planned to celebrate person A’s bday w her mom. (I texted her mom to ask her if they were going out on her bday, I told her to keep it a secret that we would be giving her a bday surprise at her hse etc) I gathered afew other friends to share the cost of buying her the bday cake and her gifts, and managed to get some of them to join me on her bday. Everyth turned out well and the day ended on a good note. Person A’s birthday is after mine, so I haven’t done anything for her yet. When it came to my bday (today), I expected them to be the first ones wishing me happy bday (I always make sure to wish them at 12am sharp, waiting in WhatsApp when it’s 11:58pm), but to my dismay the person who waited for 12am and wished me on the dot was a new friend I made from a school event, someone I’m not even that close to. Person A wished 30mins later, while person B wished 90mins later. Not only that, person A simply sent a voice recording saying she started recording at 11:58pm, and the voice recording was less than 3mins, with most of it being filler words and silence since she don’t usually do voice recordings (she decided to do it this time since I usually send msgs via voice recordings). Person B wrote a few lines of msg which I can tell is very last minute. It’s the first year all 3 of us are in different schools, which is all the more reason why I kind of need thag assurance that we’re still close but it already seems like we’re drifting.
My dad told me via text, I’ll just copy and paste “Everybody comes and goes, u will meet many more friends. But honestly, most of them won’t be true friends. In the end, family is the best. Cos I feel u will be in the same shoes as me…we excel to network with more ppl and be like king among them so they won’t be long term with us unless they need us. That sucks but that’s life. U will feel it and understand what I mean as u reach my level… or maybe u already beginning to feel, but I may be wrong. Rem what u do for others not necessarily they will reciprocate, that’s why u need to learn to do it without expecting them to treat you back as well or even do anything for you. Like the money I lend some is to close friends also now they disappear and rather hide from me then pay me and continue to be my buddy … Lol…But they around u to take advantage (sometimes) That’s why don’t overdo for your friends” Don’t mind his English lol, but while I do strive for excellence in my academics and personal growth, I also make it a point to treat everyone around me with respect and kindness. I guess I do expect people to reciprocate sometimes, but I always get disappointed.
Let me introduce person C. This guy is my neighbour, and we met on ML (yes mobile legends, but I quit alr). Apparently he found me via the location service which was actually creepy at first, but I learnt that he’s actually a nice guy. In fact, he’s the first person I’ve ever opened up so much to, I can confidently say he’s the one who knows me most, more than my friends in school, more than my family. Over our 3 years of rising from epic to mythical glory fighting for supreme titles in ml (brody player slay! actually I play assassins more but had brody and guinevere surpremes lol), we’ve made new friends together, grew our little social circle together and participated in tournaments with these new friends. Through these experiences we’ve talked a lot and got real close, and he actually confessed to me at one point in time but I turned him down. He seemed fine w it tho, we continued playing and having htht after that. It was until O lvls that I decided to sell my ml acc because I decided that it was taking up too much of my time, and so I did. I know that if I look back in the future, I’ll come to regret the hours I spent on ml when I could’ve spent that time learning a new skill or improving my studies and whatnot. When this happened, person C was very sad and he felt that we had nothing we could talk about anym since we usually bonded over ml. I suggested a swap to a low maintenance rs since we were practically talking to each other everyday, through voice calls or ml voice chats. However he started to bluetick me and didn’t reply my msgs when I told him about my new braces, which was an ordeal we were both supposed to go through tgt since he got Invisalign at shortly before I got braces, and I did discuss with him about this as well. He also didn’t wish me happy bday tdy, while I wished him and bought bbt for him on his bday. Hais… it feels like I’m losing a great friend now, and it rlly makes me question if I even have any true friends.
I get that person A is busy since she’s from RI but it’s holiday now so there should at least be some effort right…especially when we don’t have video calls everyday to do math together anymore. We really don’t chat as much as last year. But it’s only been one year, yet we’re alr drifting. Usually I’m the one initiating meetups and I tried to encourage them to do the same. I do see them putting in some effort but afterwards it was back to me again. Sometimes I wonder if this friendship is worth saving? But I really do treasure them, it just seems like they aren’t as devoted as I am to our fs. I actually have a person D, E and F but I think knowing the above is enough for y’all to get my situation :” I’m a very sensitive person which might be the problem here but still 🥹😭

i don’t know how to start writing this without instantly feeling dramatic but i don’t care anymore i just want to vent and express what i feel. what do i exactly feel? nothing. i don’t feel anything. nothing worth writing down on paper or saying out loud so people know, but here i am, i’m empty, my reality mixed with another and altered my memories, my reactions, my relationships, my fantasies, my dreams. suddenly i’m no longer one, in my mind i am what i want or what i want to believe i am and in my bones i am what i consider failure. my body has already given up, the walks i made when i was a kid are exhausting, eating my favorite meals exhaust me, waking up every day and realizing i’m still me exhaust me, talking to my dearest friend exhaust me, the look of pride and love in my parents eyes makes me sad if only they knew how fragile, mediocre and indifferent i am… my soul burns from the shame that i feel. holidays aren’t the same anymore, my birthday is not the same anymore, talking to new people scares me, i’m scared, i’m so scared of never feeling like a kid again, the kid full of curiosity who saw the world before the crowds, the kid who didn’t mind having her crooked teeth, the kid who played if she wanted, cried if she wanted, laughed without being aware of the sound of her laughter and the appearance of her smile. my body has already surrendered and my mind postpones it’s end by convincing my body that it’s not really my body, that it’s not real, that i’m not me, that i’m not real and everything i see or feel is imaginary. my mind is killing me little by little, it’s killing me and i feel nothing.

Main hub thread with the full 131 rankings
“I have an army.”
“We have a Josh Allen.”
Coming in at 83rd on the list is the team representing the least populous state, Wyoming. While the Cowboys are mostly known by the average fan as being the school Josh Allen played at, they have a fairly rich history of success, and have produced many great coaches. College Football Hall of Famers Bowden Wyatt, Bob Devaney, Pat Dye, and Dennis Erickson all ran the show at Wyoming before moving onto bigger football powerhouses. Former Texas coach Fred Akers and Purdue coach Joe Tiller as well, and the current head man is Craig Bohl, who started the North Dakota State dynasty and won 3 national titles there.

Best Seasons and Highlights

1. 1988: 13. Wyoming: 11-2 (25.965) 2. 1987: 18. Wyoming: 10-3 (19.035) 3. 1996: 23. Wyoming: 10-2 (13.821) 4. 1998: 33. Wyoming: 8-3 (5.927) 5. 1999: 40. Wyoming: 7-4 (1.080) 6. 1990: 45. Wyoming: 9-4 (-1.091) 7. 2016: 52. Wyoming: 8-6 (-2.462) 8. 2019: 54. Wyoming: 8-5 (-2.971) 9. 1993: 39. Wyoming: 8-4 (-3.204) 10. 2017: 58. Wyoming: 8-5 (-5.051) 11. 1995: 53. Wyoming: 6-5 (-6.240) 12. 1983: 51. Wyoming: 7-5 (-8.685) 13. 2011: 67. Wyoming: 8-5 (-9.235) 14. 2004: 60. Wyoming: 7-5 (-10.844) 15. 2021: 74. Wyoming: 7-6 (-11.466) 16. 1997: 61. Wyoming: 7-6 (-12.755) 17. 2006: 68. Wyoming: 6-6 (-13.597) 18. 2009: 74. Wyoming: 7-6 (-14.432) 19. 2022: 79. Wyoming: 7-6 (-14.504) 20. 2018: 85. Wyoming: 6-6 (-16.091) 21. 1986: 69. Wyoming: 6-6 (-16.740) 22. 2020: 88. Wyoming: 2-4 (-17.248) 23. 1994: 67. Wyoming: 6-6 (-18.620) 24. 1984: 69. Wyoming: 6-6 (-19.144) 25. 1989: 69. Wyoming: 5-6 (-19.396) 26. 2007: 78. Wyoming: 5-7 (-19.792) 27. 1991: 70. Wyoming: 4-6-1 (-21.388) 28. 1992: 82. Wyoming: 5-7 (-24.123) 29. 2005: 92. Wyoming: 4-7 (-28.867) 30. 2014: 97. Wyoming: 4-8 (-31.500) 31. 2013: 94. Wyoming: 5-7 (-32.098) 32. 2012: 98. Wyoming: 4-8 (-33.199) 33. 2003: 92. Wyoming: 4-8 (-33.258) 34. 1985: 90. Wyoming: 3-8 (-38.705) 35. 2008: 104. Wyoming: 4-8 (-39.214) 36. 2010: 105. Wyoming: 3-9 (-40.666) 37. 2002: 107. Wyoming: 2-10 (-49.466) 38. 2001: 105. Wyoming: 2-9 (-52.188) 39. 2015: 122. Wyoming: 2-10 (-54.442) 40. 2000: 114. Wyoming: 1-10 (-63.312) Overall Score: 10204 (83rd) 

• 232-244-1 record
• 3 conference titles
• 5-7 bowl record
• 3 consensus All-Americans
• 33 NFL players drafted

I mean…not bad, right? When I started this series I didn’t know how Wyoming would fare, but they certainly exceeded my expectations. 23 of 40 seasons with at least a .500 record is very good at the Group of 5 level, and they’re very close to becoming the first 40-year G5 team with a winning record on this list. The only conference title season that didn’t make the top 5 is 1993 at #9, when Joe Tiller led Wyoming to an 8-4 record and a 3-way share of the WAC crown. The All-Americans include the great Dallas Cowboys TE Jay Novacek in 1984, WR Marcus Harris in ‘96, and DB Brian Lee in ‘97. Surprisingly, the highest ranked Josh Allen team (2016) only comes in at 7th, which shows the high quality of teams Wyoming’s produced over the last 4 decades.

Top 5 Seasons

Worst Season: 2000 (1-10 overall, 0-7 Mountain West)
Armed with a new coaching staff led by Vic Koenning, Wyoming’s defensive coordinator for one of the better 3 year stretches in Cowboy football history, Wyoming was full of confidence for the turn of the century. After predictably losing games to Auburn and Texas A&M, Wyoming rebounded to beat Central Michigan 31-10, and had a 21-7 point lead over Nevada, looking for their second straight win. The season ended there, and everyone went home happy. Kidding, Nevada scored 21 straight points to pull off the win in Laramie, and Wyoming didn’t win a game for the rest of the year. The closest loss was by just 12 points, and shutouts included 0-34 to San Diego State and 0-34 to Utah. But the Cowboys were certainly not without talent! Tucked away as the backup QB was Casey Bramlet, who would throw for 3000+ yards in each of the next 3 seasons and is an all-time great Wyoming QB. The receiver room was also loaded, with future NFL WR Malcolm Floyd (5500 receiving yards at the next level), and future CFL veteran WR brothers Brett and Brock Ralph. Brock won 2 Grey Cups, and Brett was a 4 year starter for the Calgary Stampeders.
5. 1999 (7-4 overall, 4-3 Mountain West)
Get ready for a history lesson, because each season in the top 5 predate the 21st century. 1999 was the first official year of the Mountain West Conference, formed by some of the longtime members of the WAC. Wyoming was known as a solid team around this time, but the class of the conference was clearly LaVell Edwards and BYU, who had won 18 of the last 25 WAC titles. So late in the season, when #15 8-1 BYU rolled into Laramie to face 5-3 Wyoming, the Cougars were heavy favorites to win the game and clinch the Mountain West in its inaugural season. The Cowboys had other plans though, and held BYU to just 29 rushing yards in a 31-17 upset. The fans stormed the field and tore down the goalposts, and Wyoming was right back in the conference title hunt. With a win in the final week they would’ve shared a 4-way title with Utah, BYU, and Colorado State, but lost 7-39 to San Diego State to finish 7-4 and 4th place in the MWC. Despite a winning record, they weren’t invited to play in a bowl either.
4. 1998 (8-3 overall, 6-2 WAC)
Conversely, this was Wyoming’s last year in the WAC. And they had a damn tough defense to play against. After beating Montana State 17-9 in week 1, the Cowboys flew to Athens to play #12 Georgia, and held them scoreless in the 2nd half in a 9-16 loss. Wyoming forced 4 turnovers, and could’ve even pulled off the upset if Georgia didn’t have one of the better defenses in the country. Fast forward later in the season with just 2 weeks left to play, Wyoming still had just 1 loss, to Georgia, and was 8-1 and ranked #25, with wins over .500 or better teams Louisiana Tech, TCU, Colorado State, and Utah. That set up a matchup with #23 Air Force for the WAC Mountain Division title in Laramie. In a battle of the top defenses in the WAC, Air Force did enough for the 10-3 win. Wyoming just needed to win their final game against 3-7 Tulsa, and Las Vegas Bowl representatives were so confident in a Wyoming win that they attended the game, ready to invite the Cowboys after the final whistle. Tulsa played their best game of the year though, in a 35-0 upset, and Wyoming missed out on a bowl.
3. 1996 (10-2 overall, 7-1 WAC)
As the season kicked off, Wyoming celebrated the 100th season in team history. This would be coach Joe Tiller’s last season at the helm before going on to success at Purdue. A 9-0 start came with its up and downs. An opening week 40-38 win over Idaho was too close for comfort, and Wyoming trailed Iowa State 23-38 with just half the 4th quarter remaining, before miraculously coming back to win 41-38 in OT. The defense started to find its stride afterwards and the offense kept clicking, averaging 43.3 PPG in the 9-0 start. A surprise 24-28 loss to 5-2 San Diego State ended the perfect season, but after beating Colorado State the Cowboys were headed to the inaugural WAC championship game to face BYU. A record crowd of 41,238 showed up to Sam Boyd Stadium in Las Vegas that day, for the bout between #6 BYU and #20 Wyoming. BYU QB Steve Sarkisian was the most accurate passer in the NCAA, and their offense was top 5 in the country. Holding a 25-20 lead with just 3 minutes to go, Tiller elected to take a safety instead of punting deep from their own end zone, but BYU would go on to tie it 25-25 before eventually winning 28-25 in OT. Wyoming surprisingly wasn’t invited to a bowl game, but finished #22 in the country.
WR Marcus Harris was the best in the country, earning consensus All-American honors with 109 catches for 1650 yards and 13 TD, also finishing 9th in Heisman voting (the only WR to finish top 10). Harris finished his career as the NCAA’s all-time leading receiver with 4518 yards in just 3 years of starting. S Brian Lee was arguably the best defensive back in school history, ranking 2nd in the nation in interceptions with 8. A year later in 1997, he’d repeat with another 8 INTs, this time leading the country, and earned a consensus All-American spot because of it.
2. 1987 (10-3 overall, 8-0 WAC)
After coach Dennis Erickson left for Washington State following the 1986 season, Wyoming’s athletic director, Paul Roach, hired himself to double as the head football coach. Fans and media members weren’t sure of the move, but would quickly come to enjoy the fruits of his labor. An opening 27-13 win over Air Force was a big one; the Falcons had gone 12-1 just 2 years prior. After dropping a game to Washington State + Erickson and Oklahoma State, a few weeks later the Cowboys were 4-2 heading into BYU. Down 0-14, the Cowboys headed into halftime in front of a record BYU crowd of 65,291. 29 straight points later, Wyoming was up by 15, and would hang on to win 29-27, the game now known as the “Silence of the Cougars”. BYU fans, who just 3 years ago had watched their team win a national title, filed out of the stadium in stunned silence. Wyoming players believed they’d run the table after that and they did, going 10-2 and winning the WAC with a perfect 8-0 record. Wyoming faced Hayden Fry and #18 Iowa in the Holiday Bowl, and the Hawkeyes needed a blocked punt return for TD, pick six, and blocked FG to eek out a 20-19 win. Wyoming QB Craig Burnett was top 10 in the nation in passing yards/TDs with 3131 yards 21 TD 16 INT. RB Gerald Abraham was also top 10 with 1305 rushing yards. The year set up nicely for the 1988 team that would end up being Wyoming’s best team in the last 40 years…
1. 1988 (11-2 overall, 8-0 WAC)
Was the win over BYU a fluke? Going 8-0 in the WAC a farce? The 1988 team set out to quell those doubts. Armed with a new QB in Randy Welniak, Wyoming faced off against BYU in the season opener, a grudge match with the Cougars out for revenge. This time, Wyoming left no doubt. A 24-14 win was even more dominant than the score looked, with Wyoming intercepting 4 passes, recovering 3 fumbles, and racking up 9 sacks. Freshman BYU QB and future Heisman winner Ty Detmer was just 9/26 for 133 yards 1 TD and 4 INT. After that, things were just easy for Wyoming. 44-9 over an 8-3 Louisville team. 38-6 over Louisiana Tech. 55-27 over San Diego State. 61-18 over Utah. Late in the season, ranked #10 and matched up with 8-1 UTEP for the WAC title, Wyoming put on their best performance of the season, beating the Miners 51-6 and winning the WAC title for the 2nd straight year in the process. Wyoming entered their bowl at 10-1, with the only loss to Houston and Andre Ware, who’d win the Heisman a year later. Unfortunately this is where the fun ends, as the Cowboys faced #12 Oklahoma State in the bowl. Do you remember who was on that Oklahoma State team? Yeah, Barry Sanders ran for 222 yards and 5 TD…and sat out the 4th quarter. Oh you thought I was talking about Mike Gundy? Yeah, he had a good game too, 20/24 for 315 yards.
But the focus is on Wyoming. An unreal year. They averaged 39.3 PPG (4th best in the nation) while giving up just 21.5 PPG. 6 wins were by 30+ points. QB Randy Welniak had one of the best seasons by a quarterback in school history, throwing for 2791 yards 21 TD 11 INT with 415 rushing yards and 16 TD. Welniak was 2nd in the country in TDs with 37, and won WAC Offensive POTY. DT Pat Rabold won WAC Defensive POTY. Paul Roach hiring himself as head coach in 1987 turned out to be a shrewd move in hindsight, and would go back to being just AD in 1991 after going 35-15 in his 4 years as coach.

5th Quarter

What is your favorite Wyoming player, play, or game? Do you think Josh Allen is the best player to play at Wyoming, or is someone being overlooked? What does the future hold for the Cowboys in an NIL world, as the premier team in a small state? And what’d you think of their teams in the 80’s? Here’s some highlights of Wyoming beating Tennessee in Neyland Stadium in 2008!
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