Looking for reassurance/advice.
Hi all. I am new here, and I don't use reddit much, but I am using it as a last resort, and I'm really sorry for the long story, and appreciate any reassuring or helpful replies.
Up until last Sunday, 21st of May, everything was fine. I know I already have slight anxiety from previous things in life, for example not wanting to go out much, and being scared walking around in public. I used a vape for most of my day to day life have used one on and off for many years, but stopped cold turkey and IMMEDIATELY after having this "anxiety attack". I am an overweight individual, and have been for a long while, because of my mental health, so I have been recently worried about my physical health, whilst not doing anything about it, and being super lazy basically. I've been having the odd heart palpitation for years, and recently had noticed when laying down at my computer chair, my heart would flutter, this started happening a little bit before I started working out (because it was sort of a wake up call to me). I started working out for only 15-20 minutes a day, it's not much but it's something. I did indoors cycling. Until on 21st of May, Sunday, I was laying in my chair and I decided to call the non-emergency medical service (111 in the UK), for health advice to do with these heart palpitations, for more information and to put my mind at ease. What followed was horrific, I finished up on the phone and went to lay down to see if I would feel better, because the palpitations then continued after the phone call. (I think at this point I had already started panicking.) After laying down for no longer than 30 seconds, a pulse went through my body, almost like the strongest heart beat I've ever felt, and I felt lightheaded almost immediately. I shot up, and vocally said "Woah", at that point I rushed for my phone, and called emergency services, because I thought I was having a heart attack, I remember my heart pounding out of my chest, and feeling light headed - My heart was beating... fast but not abnormally fast. I had asked for an ambulance, and in the mean time, somebody called me from a nursing team, and they started feeding me the idea that I was having an anxiety attack. I spoke to him until I calmed down enough, I eventually ended up falling asleep sitting up in my computer chair, 1 hour~ later, the paramedic arrived. They checked my heart with an ECG machine, and checked my bloody pressure - Both were apparently perfectly okay, according to the paramedic, but she advised that I go to hospital since I'd been having the heart thump for over an hour.
I arrive at the hospital, and I feel the same symptoms start up once again, but this time I tried to breathe through it, and it wasn't nearly as bad, but still scary. I was in hospital and I was having problems with my heart, it was very stressful. In the hospital, I had another ECG check, my blood pressure and I had blood tests taken as well. After 4-5 hours of anxious waiting for results, apparently my blood tests were also completely perfect and clear. They said it was most likely anxiety.
As somebody who's been overweight their entire life, this was a huge shock to me, and I really am grateful for it. But part of me is doubting that there IS something wrong with me now, because today, 8 days later, I am experiencing most likely worse symptoms than I was before.
My symptoms in order from when they happened (Sunday 21st May):
on the Monday - My heart continued to pound, non stop for days, and still is to this day. I started worrying that I was still dying and the doctors didn't check me properly. I didn't eat much, and I definitely had trouble sleeping. I started non-stop checking my heart rate and then got extremely anxious because it was hovering around 50-65 BPM. I kept checking my pulse to make sure I was still alive and my heart wasn't going 100 miles per hour, but I would only do that when I stop feeling my heart beat, which I assume is what it's normally meant to feel like, but because I'm so anxious about things, if I don't feel my heart beat I start to panic.
Tuesday-Friday - I had this weird pressure build up in my chest, that seems to spread from the top of my stomach all the way over to underneath both of my armpits and it feels like it's above my heart, not my heart itself, though I have felt slight pressure in my heart too. The feeling is almost cold like under my skin - I mostly only get this feeling laying down but I still have it very slightly sitting up; I found a very temporary fix for that, is to lay on my side, and not my back, though that makes my heart feel like it's beating harder. In the same category as this, if I do lay on my side, I can feel that part of my chest vibrating in a way, like it's a muscle spasm. If I do lay on my back, and move slightly to the left or right it alleviates some of the pressure for a short time as well. I started having some chest pains, and arm pains. The chest pains felt like stitches, and they were very sharp, neither lasted for longer than maybe 15-30 minutes at a time. I have had sharp pains in my arms too, but those are very quick sharp pains that don't seem to repeat themselves. I started taking an over the counter medication here called "Kalms" anxiety , I believe it's a Valerian root extract or something like that I'm not even sure that it's working, I think I'm too anxious to let it work. I also started having bad bowel movements (almost complete liquid) and nausea, which apparently is a possible side effect of the Kalms medication.
Friday-Monday (29th/30th May Current time is midnight.) - Throughout the week I've been trying to take the advice of many of my family members, it's just anxiety. I'm trying to tell myself that on repeat, over and over again, but I cannot stop worrying at all. I went to go and stay else where for a night, hoping that exposure to an anxiety inducing situation would help me, but I ended up not being able to sleep, and only sleeping throughout the day. I started having unstable bowel movements,
As of right now, I'm having tightness in my jaw (Like tenseness), tightness in my upper stomach almost like I've been tensing my stomach muscles or worked them out and now it feels weird to push my stomach out, not sure if it's relief or not to relax those muscles, but if you've held in your stomach for a while and then let it bloat back out, that's the feeling I get, still having the tightness in my chest, thumping heart beat still (and has been thumping since last week), I have lost my appetite completely and I am not eating nearly enough, I'm trying to eat super healthy (For example today I had half an apple for breakfast and then a small amount of tuna, broccoli and cauliflower, and rice, of course, I'm worried about that. I'm having extreme troubles getting to sleep because I cannot get my mind away from all of this. Throughout the week I have had random outbursts of literally weeping and crying. I am experiencing feelings of weakness in my likes, they feel like jelly when I stand up. Still experiencing lightheadedness, for example I went to visit my dad to again try and put myself into an anxiety inducing situation to "combat" it, I guess, I hadn't had much sleep at all, but for most of the time I was there I was slightly light headed, and just wanted to sleep the entire time I was there - he gave me food, and I ate it all as to not be rude. I felt nauseous after, but didn't puke, but immediately after eating I had diarrhoea. I don't think it was the food, and I'm chalking that down to the Valarian Root Extract meds I've been taking, but that made me anxious for sure. I only have small bursts of diarrhoea, for like 1-2 hours, then I just don't go to the bathroom. I tried listening to a 40 minute guided meditation for sleep on YouTube this morning, and after replaying it 3 times, I managed to get to sleep, only to be suddenly woken from a nightmare, wasn't able to sleep after that until later in the day.
The pressure is really getting to me now, I'm scared my life won't ever go back to normal and I'm certainly feeling extremely pessimistic about things, and thinking bad things. For the record I have been offered anti-depressants a long long time ago, but chose to never take them because I was scared of the side effects... But now feeling all of this I want to take them more than ever (thoughts on this?).
I really hope somebody can calm me down, as I've tried to sleep already tonight (from 8-10pm, but had a nap from 2-4pm) and I'm exhausted.. Just want an unbroken sleep. I've been told from multiple people that it's just anxiety, but I just can't seem to believe them for longer than 5 minutes.
Sorry for the essay, but I thought I'd go into as much detail as possible. Thanks in advance.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for nearly a year and living together for about 8 months now and in the entire time she's only been working for 2 months of that, doing short contracts for a few weeks and now hasn't worked in nearly 3 months. She applies for jobs fairly regularly (nearly every other day) but doesn't seem to get anywhere with them. She even has family members telling her about jobs where they work but she's doesn't want to work with them so refuses to follow them up. Its not like we have money problems, all the bills and living expenses are paid for, but I'm having to occasionally pay for her phone bill or her petrol money and it's getting to the point where I have no patience left.
I really don't want to end things because I really enjoy spending time with her, we always enjoy each others company, have similar interests but the job thing is really starting to affect me. I'm getting stressed and it's starting to affect my own job like making it hard to concentrate as it's always on my mind. Plus I think it's slowly affecting my relationship with my parents as they aren't very happy about her employment situation.
It's left me thinking that I really don't know what to do. Do I give her an ultimatum, just leave it and see how it plays out or just leave her. My dad said something that just really got to me, "what if in 6 months she still doesn't have a job?", and I honestly didn't know what to say.
Any advice would be appreciated

Overall she is very misunderstood on trans people, their beliefs, and that of allies. This misunderstanding as you will see has anti-trans consequences and is therefore transphobic hate speech.

Due to the 40,000 world limit of reddit which i surpassed, i will divide this into few parts (other parts in comments)

Part 1:

I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. The hundreds of emails I’ve received in the last few days prove this erosion concerns many others just as much. It isn’t enough for women to be trans allies. Women must accept and admit that there is no material difference between trans women and themselves.

In my experience, as someone who is active in trans activism. Nobody says or invalidates that cis female experiences did not happen or shouldnt be talked about.

But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head. ‘Woman’ is not a pink brain, a liking for Jimmy Choos or any of the other sexist ideas now somehow touted as progressive. Moreover, the ‘inclusive’ language that calls female people ‘menstruators’ and ‘people with vulvas’ strikes many women as dehumanising and demeaning. I understand why trans activists consider this language to be appropriate and kind, but for those of us who’ve had degrading slurs spat at us by violent men, it’s not neutral, it’s hostile and alienating.

JKR is specifically angry about "people who mensturate." (https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/1269382518362509313) I'd understand the dehumanizing nature of "mensturators" but the addition of "people" just cuts out the dehumanising aspect of trans inclusive language.
And ofcourse, her experience of sexual abuse making this unacceptable is worth acknowledgement. A step towards language understanding of past sexual abuse, and using trans inclusion is not made.

However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.

Its completely okay to not want to date someone, its completely not okay for that to be because she is trans.
Trans people are not dangerous. You do not have to perform any sexual act that you dont want to. A completely acceptable reality in safe cis-cis relationships. But somehow impossible in cis-trans relationships.

I must have been on my fourth or fifth cancellation by then. I expected the threats of violence, to be told I was literally killing trans people with my hate, to be called cunt and bitch and, of course, for my books to be burned, although one particularly abusive man told me he’d composted them.

By believing and sharing in art (tweets, that is language; and books) that trans (women) are dangerous. She promotes the belief that trans people are dangerous, leading to stigmatization, and violence. (https://www.un.org/en/hate-speech/understanding-hate-speech/hate-speech-and-real-harm) And that doesnt account for the harm using unaffirming actions can have (https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/aap-voices/sharing-pronouns-matters-and-it-can-help-save-lives/)

This one is 5 quotes from sections of the essay.

They’re worried about the dangers to young people, gay people and about the erosion of women’s and girl’s rights. Above all, they’re worried about a climate of fear that serves nobody – least of all trans youth – well.
The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.
American physician and researcher Lisa Littman set out to explore it. In an interview, she said: ‘Parents online were describing a very unusual pattern of transgender-identification where multiple friends and even entire friend groups became transgender-identified at the same time. I would have been remiss had I not considered social contagion and peer influences as potential factors.’
Her [Lisa Littman] paper caused a furore. She was accused of bias and of spreading misinformation about transgender people, subjected to a tsunami of abuse and a concerted campaign to discredit both her and her work. The journal took the paper offline and re-reviewed it before republishing it. However, her career took a similar hit to that suffered by Maya Forstater. Lisa Littman had dared challenge one of the central tenets of trans activism, which is that a person’s gender identity is innate, like sexual orientation. Nobody, the activists insisted, could ever be persuaded into being trans.
The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people. The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. I struggled with severe OCD as a teenager. If I’d found community and sympathy online that I couldn’t find in my immediate environment, I believe I could have been persuaded to turn myself into the son my father had openly said he’d have preferred.

In terms of gay people transitioning to escape homophobia (possible in countries such as India where homophobia is higher than transphobia, due to the deity status of trans people,) i find that's something to be addressed indeed, and i think all trans colleagues and allies would say the same. I dont think this was unaddressed when activism moved forward with self ID and easing access to HRT, Surgeries.
This response also applies to autistic girls, "social contagion," and he/him JKR.
The furore caused by her paper should be understood to be triggered "social contagion," being connected to "trans people should not be near you," not as evilness of trans activists.
In terms of "erosion of women's and girl's rights" i think i've addressed that this means for her already.

Can i complain about my line manager? Will I actually get an outcome?
Hi everyone.
I think my line manageteam leader is bullying me and I have had enough. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting so I need some more opinions.
I work in the healthcare sector in the U.K. - funny because I thought that’s where mental health and physical health would matter the most but clearly not to the people I work with.
I’ve been working at my current workplace for nearly 2 months now. But I feel like I am being so nitpicked by my current line manager. I must also point out although maybe not relevant that I am an ethnic minority in my workplace. I was late once due to traffic (I catch the bus - a bus that only comes once every 2 hours from my town) so it takes me an hour to get to the town where my workplace is. I was 7 mins late to my work place that once. Btw for my job I don’t need to swipe in or swipe out, you work according to your schedule - and in my diary I had nothing on till 9 so me coming at 8:07 was not effecting my performance in any way. I just feel like this line manager of mine just wants to nitpick and find any excuse to tell me off as he’s very new to having this sort of power of authority. That’s the first example that’s happened. The second example, i asked him if it’s possible for me to have more days in the week to work from home ( I currently only have Friday as work from home) OR be moved to the closer office that is very close to my house if they really need me to come in (bc I’m a newbie) instead of travelling 2hours for 4 days a week - and this is because I am also still a newish mum. I explained to him that my child is still an infant (my baby is 9months old) and I just feel like it would help me so much to have that request accepted. He said he will look into it but never agreed to it. What annoys me is that it’s easily a request that could be done - as many in my position are given working options that suit them. Example 3 - Im doing my job very well and I have gotten so many positive feedback from other colleagues - but not one single positive feedback from my line manager. Which is fine but it just makes me think he really has it against me for some reason? One of my colleagues even told me to be careful as she thinks he really does not like me and it seems that he is nitpicking on everything I do and waiting for me to slip up. This was her observation. Now Idk what to think , this has sealed what I’ve been feeling. As I initially thought it might be in my head.
Now latest example, I’ve been diagnosed recently with IBD unfortunately, so more trips to the loo. and last Thursday I was late to our teams catch up meeting that was at 9. I messaged him saying I was going to be a few mins late - as I had something personal going on (I was too embarassed to mention my diagnosis at this point because I just am not comfortable with this man at all). He proceeded to berate me and say I’m always late. I said to him I’ve only been late twice since I’ve started working? And that I had a good excuse for both occasions. He replies back saying I am “arguing back instead of taking his feeedback on board” I was like ????? I said to him I am defending myself because I don’t think the way you’ve been treating me is fair. He then says he’s going to put the request I told him about on hold bc he thinks I’m underperforming? At that point I just stayed quiet and thought to myself I’m never going to win here. I then told him I was recently diagnosed with IBD and it’s affecting me a lot mentally and physically. He was like “what’s that” and then Googled it and said it out loud in such a monotone voice. “Irritable bowel disease” and he literally showed me no empathy or nothing? Is this normal? What should’ve been my dream job is now a place I dread going to. I dread going to work and I feel so on edge everytime I am there. All weekend I’ve been crying and not knowing what to do. I even had thoughts of just quitting and staying at home caring for my baby instead of going aomewhere where they are not willing to understand or make any sort of adjustment because my line manager has it in for me for some reason. Please advice on what can I do? Is quitting my only option? I have spoken to the cultural and diversity lead in our workplace for advice but she said to me that perhaps I’m just feeling really emotional recently and just taking things the wrong way. But I’ve been employed before in the same sector and I’ve never been made to feel like this? She also said it’s unfortunately just the way the U.K. hierarchy employment scene works - “UK work politics where you have to play the game and just try to get on his good books until he likes you” just like the other newbies that have started they have to suck up to the manager. But I don’t understand why we need to do that? Surely that’s not a normal thing? Is there nothing I can do? I feel like after speaking to her that no one will listen to me. Even the higher up managers are buddies with my line manager so I feel like it’s a case of his word against mine. It’s just never going to end up with the result I want. The result that I want is to have a different manager - I cannot deal with this man anymore. I’ve had enough. Please if you were in my shoes what would you do. Thank you

3D printing often referred to as Additive Manufacturing has always been attributed to lowering costs, a perfect time-saving technique that exceeds the limits of fabrication processes for product development. 3D printing has become more cost-effective resulting in the surge in the demand for good budget 3D printers.
3D printing or additive manufacturing is one of the most talked about topics on television, movies and not to forget the booming social media where every incipient technology goes viral within seconds. And that gets echoed in the constant online searches by people searching for where to buy 3D printers near me or be it 3D printer spare parts online in India.
This has resulted in accessibility for 3D printing technology for diverse businesses. Be it Fused Deposition Modeling(FDM), Stereolithography (SLA), Selective Laser Sintering (SLS), or metal deposition, the choices are many as each technology works with diverse materials and consequently will offer different results.
The first thing to consider when choosing your 3D technology is to determine what you are trying to achieve with it as each technology serves and thrives for several different industries
Let’s have look at a few 3D printing technologies along with the processes involved and their applications.
Fused Deposition Modeling (FDM) It is probably the foremost popular printing method thanks to the number of printers available on the market and the rising demand to buy 3D printer filament online in India. FDM is an inexpensive 3D printing process compared to other 3D printing technologies. Common applications for FDM include electrical housings, form and fit testing's, jigs, etc.
Stereolithography SLA Technology Stereolithography is formerly an industrial 3D printing process. SLA printers outperform when it comes to producing parts with high levels of detail, smooth surface finishes, and tight tolerances. The quality surface finishes on SLA parts, not only look good but can aid in the part’s function—testing the fit of an assembly. It’s widely utilized in the medical industry and customary applications include anatomical models.
Digital Light Processing (DLP) Looking for the best resin DLP 3D printer? Well DLP technology uses a digital light projector to flash a single image of each layer all at once resulting in faster build speeds. DLP technology makes use of more traditional light sources and the light is controlled using micromirrors to regulate the light incident on the surface of the object being printed. Common applications for DLP are injection mold-type polymer prototypes, jewelry, dental applications, and hearing aids.
MATERIAL JETTING (MJ) Material Jetting works in a way parallel to the common inkjet printer. The variance is, instead of printing a single layer of ink, numerous layers are erected one after the other, creating a solid object. The prime advantage to this is Material Jetting printers can construct multiple objects in a single line without upsetting build speed.
Finally, choose the technology that gives you the best returns on investment and makes sense for your business. As the world of 3D printing and emerging technologies continue to innovate its materials, processes we at Protomont Technologies make 3D printing technology more accessible.
So if you’re on the hunt to buy a Dental 3D printer in Mumbai, or are wondering about where to buy 3D printer near me and don’t know how to choose a 3D printer? With our expertise and the commitment to deliver quality products, Protomont Technologies makes it easy for you to choose the right technology and products to thrive!

With my FoodStamps (EBT,Snap) they are low currently and I am unable to get food from the WinCo that is near me and I just need some food to keep me held over until my food-stamps reload I don’t need that much to keep me held over I only need maybe at most like 2 boxes of cereal
Thank you for reading this
—Elias Ainsworth

I'm struggling big time. I started at my job nearly a year ago as a casual educator because I am studying psychology at uni. I still love ECE but I was burnt out working full time and I want to pursue further education, casual seemed perfect for me. But, the centre is struggling with staff like every centre out there, so at the beginning of the year I got put on a part-time contract but the contract was set to end this month in time for my exams so I could take time off and focus on uni.
I have been sick all year. Constantly. I used up my sick leave pretty quickly and I've just been powering through, I went into the negatives at one point so now when I get sick I just accept that I have to keep going but it's been wearing on me and getting worse and worse. The stress of uni is making my immune system worse and I am feeling worse every day. I decided to ask my director to go back to being a casual, she was really understanding, and I felt good about having more flexibility again.
Well, it turns out my director was burnt out too. She left abruptly and understandably given her circumstances. We currently have no director and our centre is struggling even more than it was. The lady who has taken some of her roles didn't get the communication that I was back to being a casual and that I was taking time off and I have completely disappointed her. I was supposed to have today off but I had 3 missed calls asking where I was. Then, on top of that, I had to say that I need tomorrow off because I have now fallen quite ill (which was separate from why I had asked for the day off) but I am sick, physically, with stress. The next two weeks I have exams, so I am a no show
Everyone at my centre is sick with stress. I know it's not just me, the hygiene process is sooo lacking and we don't have any support, everyone is struggling. I feel so guilty. I am letting the staff down, and the children down, but I can't do it, I can't work right now, I'm completely burnt out and so is everyone. I'm surprised the centre isn't shutting down. I don't know what to do. I've worked when I have been sick too often but I need to rest now. Why is it so overwhelming for me? Why do some people just seem to cope so much better than I do?

I work in a retail pharmacy, and last night a customer came in for shampoo and conditioner, both of which cost AED51.45 and are now on sale for buy two, get one free. (Each would be worth AED34.3)
He then added that he had received an AED50 voucher. I told him that he couldn't use the voucher to claim the buy two, get one free deal because it was already on offer. If he wants to spend the voucher, he will pay full price for each item. He agreed and used the voucher to purchase the shampoo and conditioner, paying the AED53 difference. Later, he returns because he spotted in Carrefour that they have an AED85 deal for the same products that he purchased, and he now wants a refund. Everyone should be aware that vouchers are onetime use and refunds are not possible. He blames me for “cheating” him.
I said I don’t work inside Carrefour and I have no idea about the price there, that I clearly explained to him the offer that we have in our store before I proceed to the transaction. Am I at fault for not knowing the prices from other stores and letting him use his voucher?

I used to be able to do them. I managed to get a decent combo string with rain relatively often, but nowadays, I feel like I can't do anything in this game. At this point in time, I'm learning Kabal, but when I try to do a string I learned from the Daryus P video on him, he keeps doing buzzsaw instead of nomad dash. I'm literally tapping 1 three times before the back forward, followed by 3, but the game acts as if I did back forward 1 instead. It's practically RNG at this point whether or not a character actually does the move I'm entering inputs for, and because I'm so worried that the correct move isn't going to go through to begin with, I mess up the rest of the string when it actually does because I'm still in disbelief that it actually worked and now I don't have the reaction time to finish the string. Is there any way to fix this issue? It's starting to really frustrate me.
​
EDIT: Figured I should add that this issue I'm having isn't exclusive to MK11. I play MKX on PC and I also have a very hard time with strings there too, though I still don't drop combos nearly as often on there as I do here.

Last month, I ended a 4-year long distance relationship with my bf from another country. I did because:

1. We had different views on marriage. Although he was willing to change his stance for me, I didn't want this to be a reason he resented me later on.
2. Moving to his country would mean giving up my family, friends and burgeoning career to go to a country where I don't speak the language and couldn't guarantee a well-paying job, at least for several months.
3. He was earning just enough to get by, which meant with me in the picture, we would struggle, especially if I couldn't find a job. He is satisfied with his income and has no intention of growing it. For him, it's great if he earns more down the line, but he's happy where he is now.
4. He had a pessimistic view on life where he is convinced the world is going to end, either by natural causes or a totalitarian takeover. He has every right to have these opinions, but he became convinced there was no point in trying in life because everything would be taken from him (Hence the lack of desire to achieve anything more than survive). I asked him what his plans for retirement were, and he said he doesn't expect to live beyond 60.
5. He had a complicated family dynamic, which could one day result in him having to support several of his family members. This isn't an unlikely scenario, I would consider him extremely lucky if his family doesn't depend on him at some point later in life. And he doesn't earn anywhere near enough to support his family and start a new one with me.

It was the worst decision I ever had to make in my life and I question it every day. He was gentle, considerate and I was his whole world. And I crushed that like it was nothing. Everyday, his pleas for me to give him a second chance rings in my head. How could I have hurt him like that?
That's why I secretly don't think I deserve to be in another relationship. I've been on a few dates since, but all I think about is him and miss the good times we had. If those issues were fixed, I'd go back to him in a heartbeat, but it's too late now. I was with a decent, kind man and I threw that away for nothing. Why shouldn't I be miserable and alone for the rest of my life?

I'll be going to Odd Cafe today at 7pm and will be working there until 9.
If you're near and wants to work, hangout, or just wanna say hi, message me!
We can grab dinner or drinks after :)
Happy Tuesday!

First Previous
Five thousand warships of the Vrrl Starfang Empire exited the Gate to Brilend Prime. The majority of the fleet was made up of battlecruisers and carriers, each built to resemble a stylized Vrrl in mid-leap. The fanged maws of the Vrrl warships were open, ready to unleash the devastating Ion Roarcannons the Empire was known for. Above each maw were three glowing green eyes, and four arms tipped with razor sharp claws stretched forth from the bodies of the beasts. Yvian knew from personal experience that the arms weren't just for show. They were fully articulate, and used to grab enemy ships in preparation for boarding actions. The back half of the ships were large rectangular blocks, bristling with weapons.
Yvian could only imagine the Military's panic at the sight of so many enemy ships. Vrrl ships were an order of magnitude more powerful than Confederation vessels. Even a small fleet of Vrrl battlecruisers could wipe out a sector, and they were famous for their love of sapient flesh. The Vrrl were nightmares in the Confed, second only to the humans. Even a Xill fleet could not have inspired more dread.
Yvian herself was sitting next to a control node on the Skygem. Mims, Kilroy, and Scarrend were with her. The crystal ship was parked inside the Priderender, Warmaster Scathach's ship. One of the handful of destroyers accompanying the fleet, the Priderender was a six kilometers long diamond. One half of the diamond was much longer than the other, giving the ship a dagger like appearance. It's hull was the color of blood, and it boasted two Roarcannons and hundreds of other weapons.
It hadn't been that long since Yvian had been in the sector, but the Confed had been busy. Between the Militia and the Military, their were over twenty million ships in the system. Civilian craft were still fleeing, streams of ships heading for all three of Brilend Prime's Jumpgates. Those heading for the Gate the Vrrl fleet had jumped through were all scattering and reversing course.
Heavy weapons platforms had been set up throughout the sector. Missile towers were being towed into place, five kilometers around and stuffed to the brim with heavy ordinance. The Military were taking the Vore seriously. Not that it would do them any good.
Nearly a full frantic minute passed before anyone hailed the Priderender. The few thousand Militia ships that were stationed near the Gate were all fleeing. Four million of the closest Military ships had turned, moving to form up with each other so they could engage the Vrrl as a group. Yvian listened in as Warmaster Scathach answered the hail.
"Attention Vrrl ships. This is High Admiral Bruck of the Confederation Military. You are in violation of Confederation space. Leave now or be destroyed."
"This is Warmaster Skrell Scathach," the Warmaster answered. "Sheathe your claws, softpaw. We are not here for you." As he spoke, the Vrrl fleet plotted a course for deep space, in the direction of the incoming Sphere. "It is the Vore we have come to hunt."
"Leave now or be destroyed," the High Admiral repeated. It was a threat the Admiral could back up. The Vrrl fleet was a match for Confed force six times its size, but the Military had them outnumbered four thousand to one.
"We are leaving," the Warmaster told him. "We will exit your solar system in fourteen hours to meet the Vore in deep space."
"Your assistance is unnecessary." High Admiral Bruck spoke slowly, a menacing anger infusing his otherwise professional tone. "Leave our space now, or face the consequences."
"Consequences?" The Warmaster scoffed. "It is you who should consider the consequences, High Admiral Bruck. You do not have the forces or technology to destroy us."
"I've got twenty million ships that say different," Bruck argued.
"And how many of those can match our speed?" asked the Warmaster. "Your fastest capitol ships move at a third the speed of my slowest. Our weapons outrange yours." Skrell Scathach released a rumbling growl. "I'm only bothering to speak to you to keep you from wasting our time. We will hunt the Vore. If we succeed, your planet will be saved. If we fail, we will die." He softened his voice to a more reasonable tone. "I won't ask you to show your belly, softpaw, but I will give you a choice. Leave us to our hunt, and take the time to prepare for the greater enemy. We will avoid your ships and stations, and do all in our power to destroy the Vore." His voice was matter of fact, and scarier for it. "Or you can fight. We will still face the Vore, but we will do so leaving your shattered hulls and broken bodies in our wake."
"Is he bluffing?" Yvian wondered.
"He is the Warmaster." Scarrend said with obvious pride. "He doesn't need to bluff."
"Most of their forces are preparing-" Mims cut himself off as High Admiral Bruck gave his reply.
"Do you really think you can destroy that thing with just five thousand ships?"
"Our weapon has worked once before, High Admiral Bruck," the Warmaster told him. "But I can give no guarantees."
The High Admiral mulled that over. After a few seconds, he said. "Very well. We won't stop you. But if you come near my ships or my stations I will personally blow you out of the sky."
"Well spoken, High Admiral Bruck," Skell Scathach approved. "Perhaps your paws are not so soft after all."
The next twenty hours passed slowly. The Warmaster kept his word. The Vrrl fleet kept its distance from the Confed as it moved into deep space. Yvian slept as best she could. The Skygem's living quarters had been furnished, but the ship's habit of filling itself with methane meant she couldn't remove her helmet and get comfortable.
When she stumbled back out onto the bridge, Mims stood. "My turn. Wake me if anything happens."
"There's no need for such distrust," Scarrend chided. "The Vrrl Starfang Empire honors its agreements."
"I have no way of confirming that," said the human.
"Trust is unnecessary," said Kilroy. "This unit is sufficient to prevent betrayal."
"Normally I'd agree with you." The Captain yawned. "But the Vrrl are just as resourceful as humans, and they know about you. It's possible they could come up with countermeasures."
"I wouldn't let them," said Scarrend. "I've sworn my life to yours."
"I told you I don't want it." Mims stood up and stretched. "To tell the truth, I'm pretty sure no one's going to try anything, but we're sitting in the only weapon we've got that can stop the Vore, along with two of the only three people capable of wielding it. Not to mention that Yvian and I are basically heads of state. A little paranoia seems like a good idea."
"Perhaps." Scarrend gave a thoughtful rumble. "I still think the fission bomb is excessive."
Yvian looked over at the bomb in question. It was a nuclear torpedo. Mims had rigged it to detonate by remote control. Yvian, Kilroy, and the human each carried a detonator. The human and the Peacekeeper seemed casual about it, but Yvian was still nervous about hers. What if it went off by mistake?
"Probably," the Captain admitted. "The bomb will destroy us, the Skygem, and any pieces of it big enough to offer scientific value. It'll take out the Priderender, too, but death threats are sort of wasted on your species."
"My species," huffed Scarrend, "has not broken a treaty once in our entire history."
"Your entire history is less than two hundred years," countered the human.
"Wait, what?" Yvian looked at the Vrrl. "Is that true?"
"You didn't know?" Scarrend cocked his head.
"That can't be right." Yvian tried to scratch the back of her head, but had to settle for scratching the back of her helmet. "How could a species achieve space flight in only two hundred years?"
"We didn't," said the Vrrl. "We took our technology from the gods themselves."
"The gods?"
"The Varma," Captain Mims clarified. He flopped back down in his chair. "The Vrrl are genetically programmed to treat them with respect and reverence."
"Genetically programmed?"
"The Vrrl didn't evolve naturally," said the Captain. "They were bioengineered." He looked over at Scarrend. "You mind if I tell her the story?"
"I suppose." Scarrend leaned back in his chair, folding his upper arms behind his head. "I'm curious to hear it from a human perspective."
"Alright." Mims yawned again. "The Varma were a minor power. They controlled six sectors, and they shared a border with three other species they hated. They sort of bordered the Federation, too, but it was two months travel from their space to ours, so we didn't really interact much."
"The other three nations hated each other just as much as they hated the Varma, so no one was willing to form an alliance, and no one was willing to commit to a total war knowing the other species would jump in and genocide their asses at the first opportunity. It was a stalemate that had lasted for centuries."
"The Grinjaw, the Yauwen, and the Holii," Scarrend provided. "Villains and weaklings, barely worthy of being called prey."
"If you say so." Mims moved on. "Anyway, the Varma weren't particularly advanced with ships and weaponry, but they were masters of bioengineering. Mostly because they never outlawed it like most sane species do."
"Isn't genetic manipulation a basic part of medical science?" Scarrend asked.
"Sure," said the Captain. "But experimenting to make new life forms is a whole other thing. Us humans made that mistake a couple of times, and almost got ourselves genocided. Now any attempt to make new creatures or 'enhanced humans' is met with immediate and overwhelming force."
"Huh," Yvian grunted. "I was taught that humans modified themselves a long time ago. That that's how you became such monsters."
"Propaganda," he told her shortly. "Anyway, the Varma decided to make themselves an army. They picked out the nastiest, scariest predators they could find, and modified the hell out of them. It took half a century, and a lot of horrific experimentation, but they eventually engineered their perfect soldiers. Hyper intelligent, hyper aggressive monsters with a pack mentality and a taste for sapient flesh."
"They designed you to eat intelligent life?" Yvian's eyebrows went up, even though no one would be able to see.
"They designed us to crave it," said Scarrend. He shrugged. "We can survive on animal flesh, but it is far less fulfilling. Similar to how you can subsist on water, but constantly yearn for beer."
"The Vrrl turned out to be a huge success," Mims continued. "Not only were they effective in combat, but they could breed rapidly, and their heightened intelligence led to a serious upgrade in weapons tech. In less than a decade, the Vrrl formed the backbone of the Varma Military. They spent the next twenty years or so hunting the other three species into extinction."
"We consumed the unworthy in the name of the gods," Scarrend agreed.
"Yeah." Mims ran a hand over the back of his neck. "Anyway, the Varma had just started consolidating their gains and taking possession of their three shiny new planets when everything went wrong. Some bigshot decided they didn't need a hundred million Vrrl army anymore. Tried to cull them down to a more manageable number."
"We still don't understand why the gods turned against us," Scarrend admitted. "We'd done everything they'd asked."
"Fear, maybe," guessed the human. "Or maybe they just didn't see you as people. You were a genetically engineered slave army, after all."
Scarrend growled.
"As you can imagine, the Vrrl didn't take kindly to being killed off, gods or no gods." The Captain moved on. "They fought back. The Varma had the upper hand, at first. They'd ordered the Vrrl off their ships before the killing started. The real problems didn't start until some of the Vrrl managed to commandeer a Military ship. They got blown out of the sky, but not before they could get a message out. The half of the Vrrl that weren't supposed to be killed were still out in the void, armed to the teeth and piloting the most advanced ships the Varma could muster. The message told them three things."
"The gods are killing us," Scarrend intoned. "The gods can die..."
"And the gods are fucking delicious," Mims finished for him. "We think it was a side effect of the genetic programming. Any Vrrl who tasted Varma flesh became instantly addicted. The war that followed was barely a war at all. It was more like a feeding frenzy."
"Our people's greatest mistake," Scarrend said mournfully. "My ancestors ate every single god with no thought of the future. Now they are gone, and no Vrrl will ever taste such succulence again."
"And that's why most species don't do bioengineering," the human finished. "Slave armies aren't a good idea in general. Designing them to be stronger and smarter than you is worse. But programming them to eat you?" Mims shook his head. "Ever since we got the story, humans use the phrase 'Varma award' to describe anyone too stupid to live."
​
Author's Note: I'm gonna take a week off. I've got a thing I gotta do out of state, and I'm not bringing my computer. I'll make it up to you when I come back.

Any tips would be very appreciated, I will upload pics of his setup later . My room mate bought a chameleon spontaneously without any knowledge of the animal so I’m trying to help as much as I can. We’ve only had him for two days . I have a few questions . Is his skin shedding a sign of him growing ? Is it okay to use outside sticks for him to climb on in his enclosure as long a they are clean and not near poisonous plants ? I heard having fake plants is a bad idea and could possibly kill them. How often should I spray water or should he have a bowl of water ? His cage is kept around 74 degrees during the day. It’s hard to pick up the crickets with the tongs without killing them but I’m learning to grab them by the back legs or just pour them in there , and I am sprinkling them with the nutrition powder the store told them to use.

I'm in chapter 6 and I've been looking for a moose with antlers for the whole game, it's the only camp upgrade I'm missing.
So far I've only encountered 2 but they were females or 2 stars so no antlers.
I've also watched every tutorial to force spawn them in various locations from 4 years to 11 months ago with no results for me.
I hunted the legendary moose up north hoping that after killing the thing some regular ones would spawn in that area as indicated in the map but nothing.
I've been to the out of bounds part of Ambarino, Owanjila, the forest near that veteran's cabin (the guy who gets killed by a giant boar in chapter 6) and basically all the spots and tips that all these guides and tutorials show, like reloading the game, setting up camp and rest until morning, using herbivore bait in specific areas, etc.
I've spent real days with this and I want to progress and finish the game with all the camp upgrades, what do I do?

Yesterday I was doing shadow work, specifically the process of Existential Kink, if anybody here knows about it.
I did it in regards to my job. The thesis is that if you have something in your life, it’s because aspect of you wants to. And so I realize that there was a part of me really enjoys being submissive, being ruled around, under a valuated for her time, put under stress and pressure and pain. I really felt good during the existential kink meditation, and really felt the pleasure of owning my subconscious desires for that.
I think the dream that I just woke up from his really reflecting the embrace meant an acceptance of my shadow. Or at least a certain shadow. And it was so intriguing to me so I felt I wanted to share it with someone. Let me tell you about the dream…
I was at a caravan, camp type of thing. In the middle of the camp, there is a girl who is cutting herself in front of everybody. (for context, I used to cut myself too). She had a look in her eyes in which she was really enjoying doing it in front of other people, but also there was this gist of evilness. She loved the attention she was getting, even though it was negative. Everybody in the camper intimidated by her and didn’t understand her.
As I was watching her from a caravan, I could see her desperate need for attention. So I approached her, there was a part of me that felt a little bit afraid because obviously you never know.
I started to talk to her, ask her questions seeking to understand her. In the beginning of the conversation, she continued cutting herself as we spoke. I remember her telling me about how she was the shadow figure he who was 2 m tall, I had two different eye colors, and that was doing the cutting. In that moment I understood that that was just a fragment/part of her that had taken over her (I work a lot with parts work), and was the one that was doing the actual cutting as a protective mechanism.
Another interesting detail is that when I asked her what her name was, she said Tati (my nick name), and a grin appeared across her face with that evilish look in her eyes. I knew she wanted a reaction from me, and for a microsecond I was like “what the fuck how can your name be that?” But I also understood what she was trying to do, creep me out. So I started talking about the name instead. I asked her is she liked the song Taki Taki, (but I called it Tati Tati 😂) and she was like not interested.
Continue talking to her, and any specific point in time I decided to pull the sleeves of my shirt up to reveal my scars. And at that point she was like “oh wait, you too?” And there was a trust and connection point made.
I asked questions about what she felt when she cut, if it was for the blood, she cut herself or the rush of the pain. I asked her if she enjoyed doing it in the middle of the camp because everybody saw her. Slowly but surely, she slowed down the cutting, was more engaged in the conversation we had, more relaxed.. I shared to her about how I felt about my cutting, and how I I used to enjoy patching myself up. Asked what about you? She said never done it. And so I asked if she let me patch it up for her. She agreed.
We went to the store to get some materials to take care of her wounds. She was still bleeding down her arm and it was dripping. I hear her hand letting it bleed over mine. And I could feel the peace and relaxation of that in my sleeping, dreaming body. It felt sooo good to feel the sense of being owned and not shamed. The feeling of being seen and not shamed. In the dream perspective , I knew that the girl thrived off of attention, so I didn’t even try to get her to clean her self before going to the store. She wanted, and she needed that attention, so it was completely all right to go out like that. We bought the patches, I cleansed her wounds, cover them up. It looked like she had a cast over her arm. I asked her if I could draw on it and write on the cast. And she said yes. So I drew hearts and wrote loving things, invalidating things for her needs.
After this point, I started to waking up, and the scenes are a little bit more mixed up. But I remember that since she didn’t like that Takitaki song, I thought that maybe she likes metal. So we put a metal song, so the whole camp could hear and started screaming and headbanging and dancing to it.. There’s also another scene, in which we are laying down and cuddling. And I’m telling her how amazingly fun she is to hang out with.
And that is basically what I remember…
I don’t know, I woke up super intrigued about this dream. For one part, I feel like it’s reflecting the acceptance and the embracement of my shadow yesterday. It may be all the shadow work I’ve done this part far, I don’t know… and I’m so intrigued about how I took. The principles are use in shadow work and integration work for myself, and used it on “ someone else“ in a dream.
I am aware that the shadow I worked with yesterday is not the same one that appeared in my dream last night. But I still would like to think that it’s a reflection of something. And in regards to my past cutting behavior, I’ve always been in acceptance of it and I deeply understand why I did it.
Well, i don’t know what else to say other than that I would love your input, reflections, and thoughts about this dream. What do you think is the meaning? What thoughts arise as you read what I wrote? I’m curious to know more perspectives than just mine…

For about a year now I've been looking for the leather biker jacket that's right for me. Initially, I found AllSaints. I really enjoyed the look of most of their leather jackets, but none of them fit me well. The sleeves were always much too long.
Since then, I've found this Abercrombie jacket that's rather similar. I have other garments from Abercrombie so I'm confident this would fit. The thing is, I have no idea what kind of quality to expect here. I knew I could trust AllSaints' jackets since they have a pretty good reputation when it comes to leather jackets. Abercrombie on the other hand, not so much. Do you guys have any pointers here to make sure I'm getting a nice jacket? Any questions I could ask customer service? I understand the quality of this jacket would be no where near something like Schott, but I also just graduated college last week and don't quite have $1000 dollars to spend on a jacket quite yet. This is definitely an option within my price range that I like the look of.
Any help is appreciated!

I'm not even where to start, this is long I apologize in advance for errors, I'm on mobile...
Please bare with me as I have multiple chronic illnesses which cause my brain to be mushy 200% of the time... But I'll try to be as detailed as possible, I don't want to give too much away as this is a very serious issue and could get my husband in some serious trouble. Which he deserves to be in, BUT I'm currently waiting on a decision from social security disability so his full time employment means we have a home, food to eat and food for my 3 fur babies. He is supporting me and I do not have anything to fall back on in terms of support so I'm stuck still living with my husband.
The backstory: we've been together for almost ten years now, married for about 3. I have multiple slow progression painful chronic illnesses, I've been sick my whole life and he's taken on a huge responsibility being my partner... And I thought he accepted me for who I am not what I can offer. Mind you I'm not completely disabled, I'm able to do light housework, make his lunch for work, care for our pets and make simple dinners daily... So from chronic illness standards I'm doing pretty well for how progressed they are. Multiple of my illnesses causes severe pain so I take high dose pain meds to regulate myself on top of getting regular epidural steroid injections and ablations of the nerves in my spinal column to be able to walk. Back to the story, about 3 years into our relationship, the first time I noticed my meds were going missing I was on a low dose pain med called tramadol, he lied but eventually admitted to taking "a few". We moved forward but I had to hide my medication. The second time, fast forward a few years and we had moved into our new house. At this point I was taking lower dose Norco, but I was noticing I was light when I shouldn't have been. Confrontation again and I got a lock box. Third time I was spring cleaning and I found an empty checkbook full of my USED fentanyl patches, I had started using those due to not being able to keep my meds down completely. He had shaken them out of my sharps container then stored them away... Still not sure what he was going to do with them, it's basically skin cells by the time I take it off. I was ready to leave at this time but my parents had just moved 2 and a half hours away in a two bedroom small home. I had/have no where to go and no money to use to do anything about it... Things seemed fine for a couple years. The lock box was protecting my meds and things seemed ok... But I was still weary... Unfortunately my room in which I stored my lockbox got really cluttered due to many reasons so it became hard to use. Another part of me wanted to trust my husband. Stupid me, right?
Well to break down my dosage - I am prescribed a medium dose Norco 4x a day. Usually I only take 2-3 depending on pain and ration the rest in case of med shortage. But I was noticing my extra earrings were not as abundant as they should have been but I thought maybe I was taking a bit extra that month since it was winter. Due to recent medication shortages, my dose was increased but for 3x a day. Which I downgraded my dose to 2x a day to make sure I had extra as my pharmacy warned me they still can't get any in.
Come to the other day and I open my bottle to notice I only had a small handful... So I emptied the bottle and counted, i only had enough to take 2 a day for the next three days leaving me not only 3 Norco short for those days, but three days worth was completely gone... My heart sank because I knew what happened... I confronted my husband who lied about it at first but I asked him again and he finally admitted to taking "a few". I screamed at him for awhile before telling him to get out of my face and go to work, so he left. Sitting there I calculated not only did he steal about a months worth (1 a day) for May but he had to of stolen another two months worth during the previous months my meds weren't in the lock box... A MINIMUM of 90 Norco was taken from me when I absolutely needed them.
I wanted to file a police report that morning but was stopped by my mom who reminded me that I'm currently depending on him to survive. Only when social security goes through do I have any options of leaving... I currently pay about $315 a month on a student loan I'm not even able to use. It's not for not trying, I started working at the age of 14 but had to stop in 2020 due to multiple flare ups ending me up at 93 pounds plus in and out of the hospital on the regular.
Current situation, it's been 5 days, I asked him if he had anything to say to me at all, he said no. He still says I love you and tries to kiss me... I lean away in disgust... I'm disgusted with his audacity to take the medication that helps me be a person. I'm disgusted with myself that I do still love him but all feelings have been burned from his actions. It's obvious he has no respect for me and I'm not even sure if he married me because he loves me or if he just thought he'd have easy access to my medications for the rest of his life... Well my life. I feel obligated to continue my "wifely duties" such as making his lunch, picking up the house to the best of my abilities, make us dinner at night as he is the only one on the house so it's his, he's letting me stay despite my cold demeanor... Kinda keep the peace until I can figure a way out... It's selfish but so is he.
I do not have money to move on my own and I have to take my two large dogs and cat with me as he will neglect them, not intentionally, he has ADHD so he just forgets things. My parents said I could come up there but that means every doctors appointment I'm driving 5 hours both ways... And I have 5-7 a month. My best friend is in another state, my other bestie has 4 kids a husband and allergic to animals, 3rd friend lives with her aunt and uncle. I could crash at my brother's for a few days but not any longer... And my neighbor can't house my animals... That is my list of people, I have nobody else... Though who would want to roommate with someone who can't pay rent but can contribute to groceries, cook and light cleaning...
I'm not even sure why I'm posting... I'm very lost and confused. I've officially taken off my wedding band, I know I should file a report but he could lose his job which means he loses insurance meaning I lose insurance... I should leave him but I have nowhere to go... I told him the only way I'd even consider working on our relationship again is if he goes to therapy or rehab but he's said he'd go on the past just to not go or go once then never again...
My only plan I can think of is wait for social security to hopefully approve me then I can get my student loan waved, then I can look into low income apartments or housing... But who knows how long that's going to take, it's been in reconsideration since October of last year (22).
I'm gonna go potato now... Any helpful advice would be magical. Thank you

Hello all. I'm afraid this will be a bit of a boring read because it is such a common situation, but for the very same reason, I'm sure many of you out there will have experienced something similar and come out the other end with some experience and hindsight that I am unfortunately lacking.
I'm nearing the end of my first year at university. I've been friends with this girl since the start of the year, but over the past two weeks I have very rapidly developed feelings for her. I've always had a small crush, I suppose, but she began dating someone in the year above very early into the year (before we knew each other as well), so since she was 'off limits' I always viewed our relationship as strictly platonic.
She is naturally quite a flirty person, and I suppose what made me realise/develop these feelings was this flirting increasing in intensity. I'm not sure if it's specifically towards me or not, but it does seem to be, at least a little bit: the girl keeps sitting on my bedroom floor until 2am playing Hozier songs and staring at me and jokingly moving closer to me at dinner tables and the like. Still, she seems perfectly happy in her relationship, she sees her girlfriend often and always has nice things to say about her.
After exams, I'm meant to go stay in her house for a few nights before flying home (I live overseas). She has informed me cheerfully that we will be sleeping in the same bed. For obvious reasons, I am not looking forward to this. Obviously I do not like having unrequited feelings for someone, especially if I somehow also feel like the 'other woman'. I have told one of our other close, mutual friends about this, and she does seem to think it is all unwitting on the part of the girl in question, which is good on the one hand (I don't think her intentions are malicious) but also sad on the other (obviously there is a small part of me that wants her to leave her girlfriend and be with me, haha). I can't really trust my own judgement on the situation, so I feel hers (the mutual friend's) is the best I have to go on.
This is all quite distressing for the obvious reasons but also because we are 2 weeks away from finals and I simply do not have time to be stressing about this. My question is essentially whether I should distance myself from the friendship and stop 'enabling' the flirty behaviour for the next couple of weeks, given my own feelings (both for my sake and the girlfriend's). I would probably still go and stay with her after exams out of necessity, but perhaps by then the tension would have eased up a bit and I would be able to enjoy her company as a friend again. Or should I just keep going on the way I'm going, and hope the passion just dies naturally? Do sudden-onset feelings tend to dissipate as quickly as they come, or am I essentially just screwed?
I definitely do not want to tell her about these feelings in case they do go away, and also because how awkward it would make everything, staying alone with her at her house. I also don't have many close friends, and am afraid this would irreparably shift the dynamics we currently have. Are these good enough reasons to not be honest?
I'm feeling so mixed up and stuck about this that any and all advice would be very much appreciated.

I see a lot of posts saying how this is wrong or that doesn't work, so I wanted to share my views and experience.
I'm a mid range GenX - 1971. ( yes, I'm oldish and childish) My first gaming experience was Pong, then onto Space Invaders and Asteroids. Later my mate had an Atari which blew my mind, I could game with a friend at home. When 11, I saved for a whole year to buy a 16K ZXSpectrum, yes 16k. The next year I got an upgrade to 48k via a socket on the back. Loved Manic Miner... In later years I saw the Mega Drive, Sonic was revolutionary.
If someone had told me back then that I would be able to play a game looking like real life with people around the world in real time. That I could shoot them accurately and be able to talk to my squad, I would have nearly shat myself with excitement and disbelief. I play on PC (mid range and 5 years old now) and I still find it staggering that its even possible let alone works as well as it does. I've played it since Early access and watched it grow and develop. I paid £28 for it and have extracted over 2500 hrs of solid fun.
So to me and I would like to assume other GenX players, we are in an amazing world and are extremely privileged to be able to play Hell Let Loose.
The point is, it's a game, nothing more. I enjoy it for what it not what I think it should be. I accept the problems and idiosyncrasies that surely come from developing such a hugely expansive game as part of that development.
Add to that my reasonably popular TikTok channel (@djpseudonym) which has allowed me to find even more friends to game with as well as share my enjoyment (I have what turns out to be a trade mark dirty laugh) then I have to say to all...
Just enjoy the game for what it is, its not perfect but life isn't.
Thank you to the developers for bringing such an incredible game to life.
See you on the Battlefield.. Ill be the one with the Satchel or AT gun looking for you and laughing..
DJ

This is the updated version of u/mykeedee's wonderful guide written with their express persmission.
Whilst most of the contents of the guide are still golden, the mod has gone through a lot of changes since 2020, prompting me to write this update. As such, I would like to humbly introduce the 2023 edition with OP's from the original.
"Ever wanted to be an invincible Mary Sue slaughtering your way across Tamriel and dominating the continent without cheating or dying? Well unlike in Vanilla CK2 Elder Kings has a defined path to success for this outcome with zero RNG involved. Many of us have done this, but there's a bit of inherent knowledge of the mechanics required to do it with minimal headaches, hence this guide.
This is a guide for people who own Jade Dragon, don't ask how if you don't have it because I don't know."
The guide is tooled towards making you a high-stat Legendary Pureblooded Vampire Mage. A legendary mage can remove bad congenital traits, add positive ones, and amongst the many OP benefits of being a mage in the Elder Scrolls. A Pureblooded Vampire is immortal, can sire children, and will never be exposed as one unless if you feed or tell a friend/lover.
AI can be set at extreme handicap, the AI having more money is ironically a good thing for you

Step One: Selecting your starting position.

The strat is going to require an immense amount of cash. As raiding is not limited to certain religions in EK1, you would want to play someone coastal and could raid literally everywhere, a patrician, or ideally both. Whilst you could technically do this strat as genuinely anyone in Mundus, you are going to look real silly trying to raid anyone as a single-holding count in the middle of Alinor.

Step Two: Selecting your natural lifespan.

The ruler designer ages you per good trait and de-ages you per bad trait. Playing as a long-lived mer is obviously the best foil to this caveat and you could simply ignore this guide to play as a 70 year old genetically perfect bosmer. However, the guide also works excellently for short-lived races (if you're not actively trying to age your character) or for starting off as a 16 year old elf.

Step Three: Designing your character.

Traits:
You are NOT to gain vampirism and immortality from ruler designer. As such, ignore all of the vampire traits. You are however looking towards becoming a legendary mage. To do so you will start your character, STRICTLY, as Experienced Mage.
For positive traits, especially congenitals, we recommend the following as they are either impossible or an extreme b*tch to get and are remarkably valuable

• Genius - can't be magicked by Legendary Mage
• Tall - can't be magicked by Legendary Mage
• Lucky - can't be magicked by Legendary Mage
• Left Handed - can't be magicked by Legendary Mage
• Shrewd - an extreme b*tch to get. Practically unobtainable within your own life time
• Daedric Scion - you are some daedric prince's spawn.
• Erudite - an extreme b*tch to get. Practically unobtainable within your own life time
• Any of the character history traits - You will start off as 16 year old child of who knows what. You want to add any of these in, I prefer Former Soldier
• Your preferred Birthsign

For negative traits, especially congenitals, we recommend the following as they are removable, insignificant, or can be dealt with

• All of the bad congenitals (dark bluish purple background in icons) except dwarf, inbred, slow/imbecile, unlucky - can be magicked away by Master Mage and replaced by good congenitals by Legendary Mage
• Bastard/Adopted - get both. A ruler designed character has no parents and the negatives are cancelled by your super high stats.
• Drunkard, Lunatic, Possessed - can be magicked away by Master Mage
• Uncouth - can be removed and even replaced with Groomed by being a member of the Scenarists
• Gluttonous, Arbitrary, Craven, Slothful - will be removed by the passage of time
• Cruel - is actually a positive if you want to become a Necromancer

This is a risky trait to add but if you think you're lucky and will gain magicka early, go take Scurvy which you will be curing ASAP.
Stats:
Put a base 10 points in all your stats, then pump your Total Learning to at least 30 and put what's left into Martial. Anything north of 50 martial will ensure your char is a nightmare to beat when leading an army. Add 5 clicks to fertility if you want an easier time spawning kids.
If you've stacked so many negative traits, you would notice that your char is still 16 years old. If this is so, go wild in dumping points into Martial until around 90 at most as the designer will Stack Overflow your Martial back to zero if you go anywhere above that. At 80+ martial, your ruler will practically win every single battle.
Here are some more recommendations for the stat dumps after 80-90 Martial, rationale, and ranked by importance

• IMPORTANT - Dump some points into Intrigue until reaching a total somewhere north of 36-40. this will make it easier to do jobs as a member of the Thieves Guild or the local version of it
• Important - Dump some points into Learning until reaching somewhere north of 45-50 for a larger Magicka pool. You will need it. A bit higher if you want to be a Necromancer.
• Somewhat less important - A Stewardship skill of 40-50+ improved by boosts from Black Book quests will give you enough Demesne Limit to personally hold all the tower holdings (White-Gold, Greensap, Adamantine, Crystal-Like), and get an impressive income as a patrician
• Unimportant - Just have a base of 18-20 for Diplomacy. By the end of this guide, your vassals should immensely like/fear you regardless.

Keep dumping points into stats/traits until your character ceases to be 16 years old.
Religion
Publicly-worshipping short lived mortals gain a discount for Favor (Ardor ingame) interactions. If you want to save time as a short lived race and is fine with the likelihood of becoming middle aged, start off as publicly Cult of Hermaeus Mora. Elsewise, start off as publicly Cult of Molag Bal. Either works as you are going to be worshipping both of these in sequence.
Why are we worshipping Hermaeus Mora - We are going to use the Oghma Infinium twice to graduate our Experienced Mage to Master Mage then to Legendary Mage. We can also use the Black Book events to boost our stats even further.
Why are we worshipping Molag Bal - To gain Pureblooded Vampirism

Step Four: Playing the Game

To gain benefits from Daedric Princes, we have to spend Ardor. To gain Ardor, we would have to sacrifice a ton of Artifacts. As the PC has no cost-efficient ways to craft artifacts for sacrifice, we would have to steal these from elsewhere in the world.
So upon starting the game, you are to join your local Thieves Guild or version of it. Upon joining, you will be given the option to personally steal artifacts, as long as the target is located in the same continent, as opposed to having someone else doing it for you. If you've started off with an impressively high score in Intrigue, you will successfully steal the following artifacts around 95% of the time and at markedly lower cost. These artifacts are usually the easiest to steal, the most prevalent, and are ordered according to my subjective ranking by cost-efficiency

1. Silver Ring - steal for 25-50 drakes, sacrificed for 150 Ardor.
2. Superior Mithril Armour - steal for 75-150 drakes, sacrificed for 400 ardor
3. Superior Steel Sword - steal for 25-50 drakes, sacrifice for 100 ardor
4. Mithril Armour - steal for 75-150 drakes, sacrificed for 300 ardor

As stealing requires gold, gold will be gained either by raiding or trade posts. If you're a patrician near or a non-patrician on the Imperial Isle, slap a trade post on there IMMEDIATELY and forget it until later. In this time of the game, gold is mostly gained by raiding.
Whilst you start off as an unbeatable 80+ Martial god, you will still need the numbers to raid down holdings. I suggest dabbling into Necromancy and summoning up risen dead armies for this purpose, unless if you started out as a King/Emperor with an acceptable amount of vassal levies. Do take care as learning Necromancy quickly, and the Necromancer's Ring and Necromancer's Amulet, comes with a significant semi-temporary health malus. So cure that Scurvy ASAP using Expert Mage.
So the gameplay is

1. a loop of raiding, stealing an artifact, sacrificing to daedric prince
2. once you have gained what you need from the respective prince (reminder: two uses of Oghma Infinium for Hermaeus, one request for Pureblooded vampirism from Molag), take Scholarship focus, build Observatory, study Oblivion, and secretly convert to the other prince. Alternatively, you can secretly convert if you personally own a county that is the other prince's holy site.
3. a loop of raiding, stealing an artifact, sacrificing to daedric prince. if mastelegendary mage, simultaneously improve your congenitals (get brawny, strong, perceptive, agile, powerful/melodious voice, attractive, hardy)
4. once you have gained what you need from the respective prince (reminder: two uses of Oghma Infinium for Hermaeus, one request for Pureblooded vampirism from Molag), the world is your oyster. You are now the most dangerous being in Aurbis, a Legendary Pureblooded Vampire mage.

That's it

I awoke with a thumping headache and forced myself to sit up. The pungent stench of urine and god knows what else immediately assailed my nose. I looked around me to see dozens of people wearing the same clothing surrounding me.
We appeared to be in a small cramped location that didn't appear to have any toilets and unfortunately no ventilation. There was a section of the room which was empty and I could tell by the contents of the floor that this was the cause of the smell. The lack of toilets had meant that people had no choice but to improvise.
I gazed around at the other people that were around me and they all looked terrified. I tried speaking to some of them but they just hushed me and indicated for me to leave them alone. They were a mixture of people with every age group and ethnicity included. I could see one woman who looked like she was in her nineties and was using two walking sticks to stand upright.
We sat there for a few more hours with the stench becoming more and more unbearable. A loud buzzer went off which resulted in a few people screaming in shock. We watched as a door slowly began to open in the corner of the room. I was the first one to get up and carefully made my way forward. I peered out to see what appeared to be a large open factory building outside.
I contemplated staying where I was, but I was getting more and more lightheaded with the smells so I decided to leave. The others slowly began to follow me out and we all stood clustered together.
A screeching noise of feedback emerged from speakers which I finally spotted dotted around the building. A voice came over the speakers and announced "Welcome to the latest season of America's Next Top Serial Killer".
We all stood there in shock as the voice told us we were the intended victims who were going to help decide who this season's winner was. They thanked us for our help and promised our bodies would be disposed of in a humane way.
Four doors opened in front of us and out walked a number of terrifying looking people. The speaker told us that we were welcoming four new killers who were vying for the title of this year's ultimate serial killer. We were introduced to them one by one with a quick synopsis.
First was the Nun who wore a nun's outfit which was splattered in blood. I would have considered her beautiful apart from the fact that her eyes were completely bloodshot. The only thing she held were rosary beads which looked very used.
Next was the Reaper who stood there in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He was wearing a mask that looked like it had once been the design of Robin Williams face. He held a shovel in his hands and kept spinning it around.
Then came the Boyscout who wore clothes that were 3 or four sizes too small for him. His scouting uniform looked like it had seen better days. He carried a branch that he was sharpening with a penknife and kept jabbing it towards us.
Finally he announced the Headmaster who stood there gazing at us with a look of pure disgust. He carried two metal rulers that were almost half the height of him. He reminded me so much of some of my old teachers that I involuntarily took a step backwards when his eyes rested on me.
One of the other victims went towards the Nun and begged her to help him as he had a wife and family. She smiled at him for a few seconds before wrapping the rosary beads around his throat and ripping his throat open.
A fountain of blood sprayed out of his throat and a small bit splattered onto my clothes. Pandemonium ensued as everyone around me began running off in every conceivable direction. The killers began moving forward and lashing out at anyone that got too close. I saw the old woman with the walking sticks get decapitated. The Reaper had knocked her to the ground and then used the shovel to cut off her head.
I stood there frozen in fear as I watched the killers slaughter numerous people. The Headmaster was using his rulers to slash into people's skin and then hitting against their throat to crush their larynx. The Boyscout was using his branch as a spear and I watched him shove it through someone's eye and out the other side of her skull.
I finally convinced my feet to start moving and began dodging between the corpses that littered the floor. I felt something brush by the hair at the back of my head and knew that one of them had come very close to catching me.
I found an unlocked door at the door at the other end of the building and yelled at the others. A few of the other victims must have heard me as they began rushing towards freedom. The killers were occupied in killing off any of the injured.
I rushed outside into bright sunshine and had to shield my eyes for a few moments. I eventually gazed around to see a small clearing with a forest in the distance. The other victims began running past me and began heading for cover in the forest. I reached the edge of the forest and gazed back to see the killers emerge from the building. I had a good headstart and knew that it would take them a while to catch up with me.
I began to jog slowly while taking the occasional break to conserve my stamina. It was about twenty minutes after entering the forest when I heard a noise coming from somewhere to my left. I looked in amazement as the four killers passed close by while riding a group of ponies. The Nun looked terrified and was clutching onto the poor animal's neck.
The Reaper spotted me and swerved his pony over towards me. He jumped off and began to swing his shovel all around him in an obvious attempt to intimidate me. I nearly burst out laughing when he somehow got the shovel stuck in a low hanging branch. I spotted a thick branch on the ground and smashed him over the head with it. He collapsed face first onto the ground and tried to get up. I started smashing the branch into the back of his skull until the branch eventually snapped. I reached up and grabbed his shovel and used it to finish the job of crushing in his skull. I noticed a camera in one of the trees and realised they were filming everything that was happening here.
His pony was grazing only a short distance away so I climbed on its back and began moving forward. I passed the corpses of some of the other victims who had obviously been caught by the killers. I spotted a building ahead and made my way towards it.
I stopped at the entrance to what was obviously once a school and hopped off the pony. He just wandered off straight away and began eating the grass that lay nearby. I held the shovel in my hands and took two deep breaths before making my way inside.
I was greeted by the bodies of more victims who looked like they had tried to put up a fight and lost badly. Their bodies were covered in multiple stab wounds and each of them had their eyes ripped out. I was still standing there gazing down at their bodies when I heard a noise directly behind me. I swung the shovel around in reflex in the hopes of taking out one of the victims. I froze in shock as I watched the shovel smash into a woman's skull. Her accusatory eyes stared at me before her corpse crumpled to the ground.
Someone began clapping and I saw the Headmaster step out of a room with a sinister smile on his face. He reached behind him and grabbed the rulers and began to advance on me. I held the shovel in front of me in the hopes of using it to block his blows. He swung one of the rulers and I felt a stinging sensation on my arm as the ruler connected. His smile grew wider as he had drawn first blood. He began to move quicker and I was constantly having to adjust myself to keep him at a distance. He rushed forward towards me and I dodged him. I stuck a foot out and watched in glee as he fell onto the ground. One of the rulers went flying out of his hand and he began reaching to grab it.
I brought the shovel down and listened to his scream of anguish as I cut off his hand. I celebrated internally as I rushed past him and grabbed the fallen ruler. He stood up and faced me with tears of pain cascading down his face. I now held the ruler in my hand and began moving towards him. He began to back away while swinging his other ruler to keep me at bay. He wasn't paying attention to what was behind him and tripped over the body of the woman I had accidentally killed earlier. He began pleading with me to stop but I felt no remorse as I brought the ruler down and crushed his throat. I searched through the room he had come from earlier and found some food and water. I had a quick meal and decided to have some sleep as it was starting to get dark outside.
The next morning I awoke and began gathering up what food and water that I had already eaten and prepared to head out. I decided on a whim to check the Headmaster's pockets and lucked out as I found a set of keys.
I went to the opposite entrance of the building and peered out to see nothing moving. I explored outside and found two quads hidden beneath some branches. I tried the key in both and was relieved when it worked in the first. I decided my only course of action was to keep going forward as there was only death in front of me. I made a harness using the branches to hold my supplies and the weapons I had collected.
For the next twenty minutes I moved along at a leisurely pace through fields of daffodils. I could see tracks crossing my path possibly made by the other victims and remaining killers.
I saw something on the ground ahead and slowed down to check it out. I quickly grabbed my weapons just in case it was a trap. I found a young girl who looked like she was no older than 12. She was luckily just asleep and I went over and got her some food and water. She woke up screaming after I tapped her on the shoulder. I quickly calmed her down after explaining that I wasn't one of them. She still looked weary but gladly accepted the food I offered.
I started heading towards the quad to get more food for her and had only moved a short distance away when I heard a noise behind me. I turned to see the Nun standing behind the girl with the rosary beads wrapped around her neck. The little girl gave me a pleading look moments before the nun slit her throat. The spray of blood turned all of the daffodils around us crimson. The Nun smiled at me and began inching towards me. I backed up towards the quad and grabbed the rulers.
The Nun stopped coming forward and gazed in annoyance at the rulers. She was obviously used to close quarter kills so I now had the advantage over her. She began circling me in the hopes of getting around my defenses. I watched her carefully and waited for her to make the first move. She darted forward so I whacked her hand with the ruler and she let out a squeal of pain. She looked furious at this point as there was a small bruise forming where I hit her. She continued circling me while occasionally darting forward before being forced back by the rulers.
I decided I needed to go on the offensive and lurched towards her. She seemed surprised at this and didn't even have time to defend herself as I smashed her across the face. She moved backwards and spit out some blood that contained a tooth. I began to attack her repeatedly and soon her face and hands were littered with cuts and bruises. She fell to the ground in the fetal position to try and protect herself. I grabbed the rosary beads that she had dropped and wrapped it around her throat. I think she was about to say something but I didn't give her a chance as I ended her life the same way she had ended the little girls. I threw the rosary beads on top of her corpse before spitting on her and making my way back to the quad.
I moved along at a quicker pace and began seeing more corpses who had makeshift arrows sticking out of their body. I decided it might be better to go on foot incase I wandered into an ambush. I dodged from tree to tree while constantly looking in every direction. The forest was deathly silent as if in anticipation of what was coming.
I was making my way across a small clearing when I felt an agonising pain in my right leg. I almost wept as I saw the arrow that now protruded from it. I tried to continue going forward but my leg gave out beneath me. I heard a manical laugh coming from the trees and the Boyscout moved out carrying a homemade bow. He threw it to one side and grabbed his penknife. He advanced forward to kill me while I was wounded. I started to crawl towards my supplies and had just put my hand on them when I was dragged away. I turned to see the Boyscout smiling down at me. I instinct lashed out with my uninjured foot and hit him in the testicles. The smile on his face disappeared as he crumpled to the ground. I reached down and snapped the arrow head that was in my leg and jammed it into his ear.
He began convulsing on the ground for a few seconds before finally going still. Music began playing and a number of heavily armed moved towards me. They were flanking someone who looked vaguely familiar. I think I had seen him in some straight to video movies over the years. He congratulated me on winning this year's tournament as I lay there in shock. He started asking me questions but I was too stunned to answer.
This happened a few months ago and I am still coming to terms with everything that transpired. I was given a million bucks in prize money and made to sign a number of legal documents to ensure my silence. I haven't been able to find this show but I know it is out there somewhere on the dark web. I just hope that if any of you take part then you will fight back like I did.