[US English: I want to sound natural and colloquial]
Since I was a child, the way of celebrating my birthday has been hanging out with my mother (and now, with my sister), without any parties at all. When I was a kid, my mom would ask me what I’d like to present, and that same day we used to go to a shop to buy it for me, and then we ended up the day with a dinner. I just have had one birthday party, which was a complete success with all my family and relatives in it, a bunch of presents and, of course, a cake, but I'd never be a birthday-party kid. I prefer just something simple, like a dinner with my family and friends, and a cake, you know, something more enjoyable and significative to me than a party.

Ive been on no fap for abt three weeks now and I've noticed something. Animals no longer run away from me. I think before I had the energy of a dude who would violate a squirrel but that went away. Dogs use to try to attack and yell at me probably because my energy threatened their owners but now I can pet them. I Believe no fap has a profound effect on the energy you put out into the world.

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I know this is long, but I really need advice. Thank you for any input.
I (25F) moved in with three other women (all 25F as well) a couple of months ago. I met Morgan (I’ll be using fake names) a year ago through work and we became best friends. We hung out 3-5 days a week while both of us finished college and when a room opened up in the house she rents from, she begged me to move in. I had been living in an apartment, but the money I’d be saving by having roommates was enough for it to be worth it for me to break my lease (which cost me $2600) and move in.
Along with Morgan, there are two other girls that live there as well— Kylie and Jessica. I never really cared for Jessica because she has a drinking problem (she even drinks on the job at work) and always tried to pressure me to drink when I was around her, but I had no problem living with her or spending time around her. She just wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be friends with. Kylie was always very kind to me and became a surface level friend for me, which is all I ever wanted, so it all worked out. Morgan always said very mean things about Kylie and Jessica, but I figured that was her way of venting, so I didn’t really care. That’s just how she was and I didn’t see this as a red flag because I’m a fool.
Anyway, this all started at the end of April. Morgan had been saying some hurtful things to me and it was all building up on me. She had been saying hurtful things to Kylie as well, so we had a conversation about how hurt we were by Morgan’s actions and words. Kylie decided to say some mean things about Morgan, which I thought were wrong, but I kept my comments to only things about my feelings. Kylie and I also shared with each other that we didn’t care for Jessica and how she made us feel pressured to drink, etc.
About two days after the conversation with Kylie, I found Morgan crying in her room. She had received a mean text from Kylie and was inconsolable. She didn’t understand why Kylie was being so hurtful to her. I considered Morgan to be my best friend, so I broke Kylie’s trust and told her some of the things that she has said about her. I did not lie about anything and I did not tell her the very offensive things that were said by Kylie. Only the things that she had done that upset Kylie. This was my mistake. I never should have done this and I fully admit that it’s my fault that I did this. I was very conflicted about if I should tell her anything or not and decided to tell Morgan because she was so upset. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have done this. I just wanted to take her pain away, but I see that it wasn’t my place to do this now.
Then about a week later, Kylie tried to be buddy buddy with Jessica, which I found to be very fake. I told Jessica that she should be careful with that and she wanted to know what had been said. I decided to have a very open and honest conversation with both Jessica and Morgan about everything that I had said about them (none of it was untrue and it was all just my feelings). So I admitted to saying that I didn’t like Jessica and explained that I felt that she didn’t treat me well and explained to Morgan that she had been saying hurtful things to me. Jessica admitted to not liking me either and saying some hurtful things about me. I apologized to both of them and admitted fault and that I shouldn’t have been talking about either of them. Jessica and Morgan both apologized to me for making me feel bad as well. I don’t usually talk about people, so I was feeling extremely guilty, which is why I felt the need to share what had been said. None of what I said was untrue and I admitted to everything that I said to Kylie. I didn’t lie about Kylie or say anything mean about her. However, I knew that I made things worse and I even told Morgan and Jessica that. I regretted telling them almost immediately because I had a feeling that things were just going to get worse. My intention was to clear the air and admit that I was wrong to be talking about them. But I also fully admit that I was wrong to betray Kylie. I was in an unfortunate position and didn’t feel right to not say anything to Morgan. But it was my fault that it got worse. I didn’t want to play both sides, but it ended up that way because I admitted fault. I fully see how it makes me look bad though.
I want to make it clear though that I did not lie about anything that was said. I did things the wrong way and should have kept my mouth shut, but I did not lie.
Anyway, I left for vacation a week ago and the next day on vacation I was sent a message that I’m being illegally evicted from the house. Kylie said that I’m a liar and a horrible person. All of them agreed that I need to be kicked out, even though I’m on the lease. Apparently, the day that I left, Jessica went to Kylie and confronted her about her not liking her. Then Morgan was invited into the conversation. Kylie then decided to start spreading all sorts of untrue lies about me to the other two. She said that I was saying all sorts of horrendous stuff apparently. I don’t know the specifics of what was said because no one will talk to me. I tried to talk to Morgan, who was supposed to be my best friend, and she blocked me. I never got to say anything. Now Morgan has been spreading these lies and saying I’m a liar and I’m a horrible person to every mutual friend that we have. She wouldn’t say a word to me though. I was a great friend to her and did anything for her and she turned on me so quickly. I left a camera in my bedroom when I left and she came into my room (she didn’t know I have a camera) and I caught her bad-mouthing me in my own room!
I understand that I shouldn’t have broken Kylie’s trust, but nothing I said was a lie. I was trying to be upfront and honest because I felt guilty about talking about them behind their backs. I’m very aware I made things worse by doing this, but they all talk about each other all of the time and say horrible things about each other. I just wanted to be honest so I wasn’t doing the same thing. I felt so guilty. And Morgan decided to not back me up and turn on me with Kylie’s lies after she claimed to dislike Kylie all of this time.
I fully admitted fault in that I shouldn’t have opened my mouth and apologized and in return, lies were spread about me and I’m being kicked out only a month after moving in. I can’t even afford another place to live right now, so I’m going to have to stay with another friend until I can afford it.
They unfortunately did this to two other roommates previously as well and I was too stupid to see the red flags.
I understand I made a mistake, but I don’t get why Kylie is saying these things about me and why Morgan isn’t defending me. Jessica never liked me, so it doesn’t surprise me that she is believing the lies.
Has anything like this happened to any of you? If so, what did you do? I tried to do what I thought would help my best friend, but it really backfired and I’m so hurt.
TLDR: I (25f) am getting kicked out of my home that my former best friend begged me to move into after all of my roommates (25f, 25f, 25f) turned on me and called me a liastarted spreading lies about me when I did not lie.

I feel too bad not taking no for an answer and giving too many rebuttals. I try to do at least two rebuttals per appointment (and I have this past weekend). But for the past 3 days I've had 3 appointments where the potential customer didn't buy from me, 2 where I know I could've debunked their objections further and proved to them that our product is what they need. But because they were so cordial with me I felt too bad doing it and I finally caved in.
​
You ever had this happen to you? Where the rapport you built is used against you?

Its a bummer that the type 3 is discontinued especially since it's the type of tent that Rin uses in the series. But being that it's discontinued it makes it really hard to find one for sale in good condition. If you do find one it's really expensive costing a fortune. It would be nice if they brought it back as a collaboration with yuru camp. If they did how much would you think it would cost?

I grew up in a Christian household that was pretty loose about the whole thing but I was forced to go to church every Sunday, attend Sunday school, and then attend Catholic middle and high school. I sometimes have nightmares that I'm back in those places and I'm trying to get away.
I grew up being taught that I should meet a man, get married and be a good wife and mother. My own mother never taught me to be independent or to stand up for myself (taught myself honestly.)
Not to mention all the "you're gonna burn in hell" stuff that plagued my mind as a child. I used to cry at night because I thought Satan was under my bed.
I stopped it all in my teen years when I wised up to the hypocrisy and BS. Anyone else still have fleeting episodes of flashbacks or nightmares?

Trust me: I'm not some butthurt basement dweller, angry that I've been banned from certain subs. This is a social site. It's not feeding me or my family, it's not providing anything other than entertainment-- but good GRIEF the mods need to do better... the amount of comments that slander and attack 'particular opinions' while opposing comments wind up getting deleted- using the same language, rhetoric, and sentiments- it's incredibly, OBVIOUSLY biased, and if you're going to mod for a sub, then apply your filters/rules across the board... all I'm saying.
If you're going to allow 'one side' to speak, allow the 'other side' to speak as well. I've seen SO many derogatory and spiteful comments made in these subs, up to and including calls for the death(s) of people... how is THAT allowed, but heated argument comments get deleted?
Come oooon, maaaaan....

I already have private insurance, and 2 weeks ago my employer's assistant called and asked if I wanted to be enrolled in the company's plan. I told her no thanks and that I'm already insured, and today I got a new insurance card in the mail.
I don't know much, but my dad tells me that being insured twice can lead to some nonsense of each company saying the other one will pay for things. I have already had a lifetime of insurance bullshit, I don't need more bullshit now.
While I'm sure it's totally normal for an employer to use an employee's private info to enroll them automatically, how can it be legal to use my SSN etc. after I explicitly told them not to?
She also mentioned something about a life insurance policy. It seems weird to complain about having life insurance, but it also feels out of bounds using my private info to enroll me in things against my will.
What are my options here?

Hi, so...
I'm gonna talk a lot. It took me an hour to type this on my phone, apparently... 😅 But, if you just want the meat of my rant, skip to the very bottom, the "where life has me now" part. Or, better yet:
TL;DR - I have no friends anymore, my ex was my best friend and now I have no one. I've had a rough few weeks what with everything that's gone wrong (one after the other, thanks 2023), and I just don't have anyone to process it with. I miss my best friend...

Backstory, I guess

I was in a poly relationship for 7 years with this girl. Primary partner. She sometimes had other boyfriends but none ever stuck. I saw a few other people too but never even got to the point of calling it another date. It worked out more like we were open/ENM rather than poly, but anyway, just setting up some color to the backstory. We were all but married, owned a house together, raising her step-kids together, got pets together... all that. "Married" but not married.
We were both friendly with this guy we knew from community theater. She got close to him almost a year ago, they started seeing each other. Grew feels. We were poly so I was excited for her. Yay!

The decline...

After a few months, she reveals that he is monogamous. Ugh, not the first time she's dated a mono guy, but he wanted to chat with me and I did too, so I was hopeful we could understand each other better.
She started pulling away from my touch, trying to avoid contact with me so as not to upset her new boyfriend. Uhh... anyway, he was constantly busy and never had time to chat with me, and then she at one point asked if I would even care if she broke up with me. Obviously, lol, why wouldn't I be?
We kept fighting over little things more and more for the next month, until I snapped and suggested we break up since she seems so sure I'm awful now.
When we talked about it a few days later, she said she's ready to be done with me, doesn't think she'll ever feel romantic for me again, didn't want to even try couple's therapy (unless it was necessary to salvage our friendship), and that she had these issues with me for years. My takeaway from this is that she was convincing herself that I was worse than she remembered in order to feel less shitty about breaking up with me for her new boy.
She had said when/before we broke up that she would take a break from her new boy too. Naturally once we broke up, she changed it to "just a break" with me, but no break with him, because "that wouldn't be fair to him" and "the heart wants what it wants".
Whatever... I still held out hope.

The break

So, for the next four months, we still lived together. At first we were okay with sharing the bed and just made it a point to not touch.
She continued to see him, sometimes 2 days out of the week, sometimes 6 days of the week. I kept making dinner and hung out with her two kids (13 and 15). Oh, I forgot to mention that I work full time and am also in college classes nearly full-time, so I'm always busy with homework too. No matter. The point here is that she's not around much, which is fine but feels like a lot at times.
I did reach out to her a few times after two months, asking to get some time with her, check in, hang out, whatever. She kept having plans already, so I'd shoot for a week or two out. She'd halfway make plans, then the conversation would die. When it would come around, she would blow me off, "oh they needed me for a few extra hours at church, sorry!". (I believe her, but it's clear I ranked lower in priority than anything). Other times she "could be home after lunch, which happens at 11"... but then "after" was apparently 5pm. After a few tries like this, I gave up.
I finally asked her if we were done. I wanted to have the conversation in a park or restaurant or something... she refused and instead we had it with her sitting in bed with her PJs on, practically hiding under the covers. I told her I had about 40% desire left to see us fix things, that it has been dwindling since she keeps acting like I'm a stranger, but there's still hope. She just repeated that she doesn't see us ever being romantic again, so when I asked her to put it to a number, she said 0%.
So, that's it. Done.

Moving forward...

That was about two months ago. We still live together while we work out the house. I want to move, and I'd rather sell altogether. She can't refinance to buy me out, but she wants to stay. Ugh... so we might work something out to where we split equity on sale later down the road.... that's a whole 'nother headache that I won't even get into just yet, because I've got other problems right now.
We split the room up a little... I now have a cot in here, so we sleep separately. For the most part we do okay as roommates I suppose, but it's still awkward as fuck living with my ex. I still consider the kids mine too, but it feels weird when they're all hanging out together. I guess it should, though. Hrm.
Anyway.

Where life has me right now

I haven't been great about keeping in contact with friends. I was friends with her friends, though, but while we rarely see them anymore anyway, I feel like they're even more unavailable now. (She actually told them not to hate me on her behalf, that she still wants some friendliness between all of us... but, whatever. It's dead.) So, I'm alone.
The kids are teenagers. I still feel familial with them, but there's always been a little bit of step distance between us. One of them just came out as trans.
My bathroom skylight has a hole in it. First people I brought out tried hard-selling me a whole new roof. Yeah, that shit was a horrible experience. Anyway, next guy who came out just quoted me for a skylight. Pfft. It's always something though right?
My old car has been leaking everywhere for the last few months, and finally stopped starting (intermittently). I suspect it's a head gasket, but I'm not a mechanic so idk. I've been considering car shopping anyway, so maybe now is the time, especially since the mechanics looking at my car have pointed out two sensors to start troubleshooting with for $580, and aren't sure if that's the fix. That's a little expensive for troubleshooting what could be a head gasket... so, cue car shopping under duress.
We talked with a lawyer this week about the house and splitting the equity on sale when she moves out, because again, she doesn't want to move (because of the kids), and I do. That turned into an argument where she thinks I'm the bad guy trying to evict her kids because I won't accept so little, and me standing my ground saying I deserve more than just what the current equity is right now because at minimum I should get interest on it since I'm unable to touch this money for 4 years (per the current plan), much like a loan.
Anyway, we talk and eventually she cools down. She lets me borrow the car for the weekend at least while she's camping with her boyfriend. Cool.
I realize I picked too high of a monthly commitment for the car I want, so I spent the long weekend re-budgeting to see what I can afford, and where I need to cut back on my spending.
I've been looking at cars and shooting a few to a coworker friend and an old friend who is also going through a divorce that I chat with sometimes. Both respond here and there but aren't engaged with helping me. I don't blame them, they have lives too, but it leaves me feeling like I'm on my own here. Fine, I can't expect people to help me make financial decisions anyway.
Go to the dealership by myself this evening... The dude I work with... It feels like he's misread me, like he thinks I want some hot new car, rather than something functional and cheap. He seems to be annoyed that I'm taking my time to look at things, and didn't fall for his lease pitch. We bargain, I get some good numbers, so it was all around fine... but it's clear we both want to be done with each other for the day. He mentions they're closing up shop, I take my leave to think about it for a day.
Anyway. Now I'm home again. On my cot.
I just want to decompress and process my day with someone, but I just don't have anyone to talk to. I mean, there's people I can talk to but goddamn I don't feel like I have anyone I can just level with, at least not when I need them.
Goddamn I feel so alone.
I lost my best friend, and the shell of her is sleeping one bed away from mine.
I... and, maybe I should get out more, but first I need a car, and my house fixed, and free time separate from school, and not worry about coming to an agreement with the house, and maybe it would be nice to have moved out so I can finally mentally move on.... Maybe then I'll have free time for making new friends. Idfk. Is this just another excuse? Am I just not a social person, and now I'm suffering for it during my most challenging period of life?
I hate this.

At about the same time as the original Gillette safety razors were offered for sale, Henrie Clauss filed a patent for a spring loaded hoe razor. It was a reasonable straight forward razor, using a single edged Christy-style blade. So let us have a look at what made it stand out from the crowd.
Like so many razor patents, the patent text describes the invention as containing “new and useful improvements”. And while it might have been novel – or at least novel enough for a patent – I’m unsure of the usefulness.
The patent lists several objects the invention set out to achieve. The patented razor should obviate the liability of loosing parts. It should allow for quickly opening and closing the razor, as well as locking the razor opn. And locking it closed too. And the result?
Patent drawing for US patent 838,009
Well, the long and the short of is is that Clauss’ spring loaded hoe razor was nothing less than a single edge twist to open. Perhaps not the earliest Twist To Open, but certainly an earlier example than all others I've seen.
It has a couple of interesting features.
Unlike GEM and EverReady razors, the spring (28) that pushed the blade forward had two points of contact (30), controlled by slots (31) cut on the top cap. This, along with upturned lugs (9) on either side of the base plate and stop-lugs (8) holds the blade secure when the top cap is close.
The top cap is controlled by a knob at the bottom of the handle. This is secured to the handle with a long tie-rod (19) and tensioned by a coil-spring (23). A bayonet lock locks the knob in the up-position. The spring pulls the pin on the knob against the bottom of the handle in the downward position.
All in all I think that Clauss’ spring loaded hoe razor looks pretty good. But the market for safety razors in the early 20th century was – if you all excuse the pun – cutthroat. And against competitors that were already entrenched in the marked, being pretty good was often not good enough.
According to Waits’ Compendium, Henrie and his brother John H was already manufacturing shears, and possible cutlery, when the patent was filed. Despite a few name changes, the company was still in business as of 2005.
You can read the full patent at Google Patents. If you enjoy this sort of things, why not check out my other posts on shaving patents and other shaving oddities?

I (21f) and my bf (23m) have been fighting for months now. It’s been made clear to me that a lot of my efforts go unnoticed or my mistakes make my efforts look like they’re for me instead of for us as a couple. He has been complaining to me for a while now that I haven’t been spending a lot of time with him. I feel like I need to work on this too so I took an opportunity of using a hotel booking I was planning to cancel due to me not going to my moms wedding. I planned to go to the hotel, go to a go karting place, and then go to a nice restaurant for dinner. He feels I chose all of this for me since it’s more of my ideal date. Which it is more so my ideal date and I feel I was negligent in thinking about what his ideal date would be. But because of this he doesn’t see this as an effort to spend more time with him. He also complained about our sex life and how I don’t initiate. Ok so let me allow myself to be dominant (because this is something I crave. I just get insecure when I do it in the moment and it makes me freeze up mentally) but he refuses to see how that’s relevant when I tell him this is another effort I’m making. Today he wanted to play a game mode on castle crashes. I love castle crashes but sometimes I don’t want to play it just because it’s not what I feel like playing. I genuinely see nothing wrong with this therefore I told him no. He kept asking about it until finally I said fuck you and fuck off. I can’t say how my tone sounded to him but I can definitely see where it’s hurtful. I’ve apologized for this. It doesn’t entitle me to be excused though. I’ve acknowledged this. But I told him no three times before I said that. Why can’t he respect my consent? And his logic is, “well I play games I don’t like with you all the time. Why can’t you do the same for 10 minutes?” And honestly that’s hurtful. I never expected him to play games with me purely for the fact I’m playing it. And I feel it’s unfair for him to expect me to even though he dies it for me even when I tell him that’s not what I want. But I understand that’s part of his love language is to just spend time with me doing anything. But I’m not the same way. I tell him we’re two different people with two different minds and that’s ok. I genuinely don’t know what to do at this point. Everything I’m doing feels wrong or like it will make him mad.
TLDR: bf and I argued because I told him no to playing a game he wanted to play. What do I do??

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I know there could be a lot of things that can go into things like this but it’s just really frustrating. I’ve never really tried for a gf or bf bc I’m scared the other person will expect sex and I’m not sure if I’d like it bc I’m nearly never horny. Normally I only get horny like the day before I get my period (that’s typically the reason I know it’s coming lol). I’ve never really tried toys bc I’d be too anxious going about getting one. watching “corn” also makes me anxious. idk maybe I should just get my anxiety checked out first but is this something to be concerned about?

as i am writing this i am 16, and for the past two years my "father" came back into my life. my father before he was kicked out was addicted to pain killers, he also sufferers from many metal issues that he has not had diagnosed but they are clear to see. he is a complete narcissist, and when ever i bring up the fact that he has done nothing for me,(which is sadly true) he saids it again in a mocking tone as if i'm a indigent brat. my mother forced me to meet him even though i wanted nothing to do with him, and now of recently he has refused to leave us alone. when he returned he was dating a person just as bad as him, and on top of that he run's off on her cause he didn't get sex from her. so everyday he keeps coming back. i as of school, got straddled with a teacher for english that thinks the colour red means the devil. she also reviles important parts of an assignments last minute, not to mention that if i use the phrase "the smoking gun" that is concidered slang and is something i should not use when writing. also i have two online classes that don't have clear instructions on the final assignments. at this point if i am being honest with myself, i feel i am on the verge of a mental breakdown. my mother is also meant to come into money, which is the most likely reason my father is still around. i can't talk to my mother about it cause she would just defend my father,(i've tried) and she doesn't actually say anything to help with school, just to get through it. i don't see my much anymore and all i do right now is play games to distract me, but even than i am jumping around on games. at this i am lost and the days are just a blur, only thing i can say is that i don't have any truly troubling thoughts. if i ever think of this post again i may update but for now i am just going to wait it through.

I met this girl online and we spoke for over a week. We talked about marriage that we both want it (I know it sounds crazy to have those plans together if we only know each other one week). We text the whole day long litterly, also calling and video calling.
Long story short, things got bad over text. I felt that she was using me. The relationship was over, she also told me she is loving someone else out of nowhere. I also wanted to meet her parents to ask her hand and she knew about it, but refused to tell her parents. But she told me with her other ex she met also one week she did that for him, so I felt like why are you doing it for him and not for me.
She gave me a few days ago her password for a website for renting houses. I don't know why you will give your password to a stranger, but okay. Unfortunately when she broke up I signed in her account and deleted it. I also could use the same password to get almost in her Google account (she had two step verification on from her phone). And I signed in her Amazon account and order something on her account, but decided a minute later to cancel the package, they accepted the cancellation.
She now changes all of her passwords, which is good. But I think that I am now the bad person and I shouldn't delete her account and signed in her other accounts with the same password.
I just hope she is not going to the police for what I have done.

Stopped watching months ago and figured I’d come back and see what they were up to. I knew they got pretty woke the last few years so I kinda faded out of watching their stuff. Then I saw that Courtney was using they/them pronouns and for the first time since I started watching YouTube as a kid I unfollowed all of the smosh accounts. I still love some of their old content but they’re going the way of college humor for me and I’m pretty happy with my decision to stop watching anything they put out.

I'm a 23 F and he's a 21 M, been together for over a year, since moving in together in February we now only have sex when he wants to. Prior to this, we could make out and he'd get a boner and we'd have sex, or I could wear lingerie, send him nudes and turn him on and we'd have sex. I always listen when he says no. There's been hundreds of times where I haven't particularly been in the mood, yet he feels me up or makes out with me and bam, I'm in the mood, or I'll push through it because I want to please him even if I'm not particularly horny. I will of course say no if I have no interest in it, but its not the case with him, he turns down all my initiations for sex and waits until he's horny, or even if he is horny he will wait until he feels like doing it. Sometimes several hours will go by after he says he's in the mood yet doesn't want to have sex. Our sex life depends on him. I do masturbate but if I do it in replacement of sex when he doesn't want to, I wouldn't ever be horny when he is. He doesn't masturbate that much either, he used to a lot but hasn't since I was upset a few times when he turned me down just to masturbate later. I'm fit, attractive, and I'm kinky and so is he, I don't understand. I'm immaculate at giving head and always make him cum yet he now pushes me away when I want to as well. I could feel him up, be wearing full lingerie, make out, and he just pushes me off and says "maybe later".
I've tried communicating this a couple of times but it doesn't really change anything. I'm so confused. I'd expect this years down the track but... not now? I thought moving in together would = lots of spontaneous sex, or at least more than before. I feel constantly hurt and as if it entirely revolves around him.

I have been talking to this guy (lets call him john) for going on 3 years. Him and I dated for a while but things got rocky so he broke up with me. Four months later he reached out and we became friends again. Now it's been a year and we have been acting like a couple but not telling anyone about it. None of our friends are aware that we are together and he doesn't plan on changing it. Due to the fact we are long distance it's easy to keep our "fling" on the low. Recently i've been talking to this guy who is in my town and he seems to be really interested in me. We both are the same age and plan on going to colleges near each other. Sexual talk has come out a lot in our conversations and l'm not completely against it. I've told the guy (lets call him Ryan) that i'm not ready to do anything like that yet because we barely know each other. The real reason I don't want to engage in any activity with Ryan is because I still have strong feelings for John and I really want to be in a relationship with him. I am scared to move on with Ryan even though I find him very attractive because John has been showing more signs that he wants to be in a relationship with me. l'm not completely sure what to do and I have plans to hang out with Ryan this Saturday....

I just ended things with a guy who I started talking to five months ago. At the time, I had just turned 19 and I was in a bad spot. University was hard, Life at home was so difficult, I couldn’t handle much anymore and I was starting to hate myself and life altogether. I thought I needed a distraction and I was finally legal to go drinking and do whatever. I reached out to him randomly on some Wednesday night after I seen him in my lecture, I didn’t think much of it.
5 months have passed and these have been the worst months of my life, I shared a lot of the emotional pain other guys inflicted on me, I was very honest and vulnerable in the early beginning, I gave him my trust without really knowing him. I thought I could confinde in him and because so much stuff at home was going on he was my security blanket. It’s really hard now not to picture him in my life after everything I shared with him, he was a big part of my life- the centre of my life. And he didn’t care the whole time, I couldn’t ever have imagined being his gf, we weren’t rlly like that however I convinced myself he was so so special because of those false “intimate” moments of trust and honesty.
Now i’m starting to realize it was all a lie and i’m going through it… It’s not like i didn’t know it before (that we weren’t anything) however I tried my hardest to keep this godly image of him inside my head, I couldn’t fathom or would break down everytime he did something that didn’t fit the character of him caring about me. Just didn’t want to see him for who he was so I tried everything to make him stay with me and hoped he would change. I gave up and went back to him 3 times (I always went back not like he cared either way he was fine without me).
5 Months in and he didn’t change at all and I kept letting him use me for my body. I had 0 dignity, and would constantly act out of trauma responses and lose myself completely. It sucks however I’m starting my healing process now and I’m looking forward to closing that chapter of my life.