"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3)

Foreword

This post builds on an amazing Analysis of Rich Spirit by u/Flaky-Mission, which is well worth reading. To summarize:
Rich Spirit captures a flawed Kendrick Lamar as he is beginning to integrate the spiritual teachings of Eckhart Tolle in his life. In this "awakening", Kendrick criticizes the ego and materialism he sees in others, while being completely blind to his own ego and attachment to wealth. As u/Flaky-Mission beautifully puts it, Rich Spirit is like "spirituality being taken out for a spin by an inexperienced driver".

What is a "Rich Spirit"?

To understand, look at this quote from A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,” Jesus said, “for theirs will be the kingdom of heaven.” What does “poor in spirit” mean? No inner baggage, no identifications. Not with things, nor with any mental concepts that have a sense of self in them."

So what does it mean to be rich in spirit? To have a strong sense of attachment, to have a big ego, and to be spiritually immature. Most people will misinterpret having a "Rich Spirit" as being highly spiritual and awakened, even though it means the opposite. In the same way, Kendrick sees himself as highly spiritual in Rich Spirit, even though he is still stuck in materialism and ego. He misuses spirituality as an excuse to be distant in his relationships, rather than directly face his problems.

How does Kendrick have a "Rich Spirit"?

To have a "rich spirit" is to have strong worldly attachments. We see in United in Grief how Kendrick is attached to wealth and sex as a coping mechanism: "Poverty was the case, but money wiping' the tears away" / "Green eyes said you'd be okay, first tour, sex the pain away". In Rich Spirit, he also becomes attached to the idea he is more spiritual than, and therefore superior to, other people.
Eckhart Tolle himself warns of this:

This is why renouncing all possessions has been an ancient spiritual practice in both East and West. Renunciation of possessions, however, will not automatically free you of the ego. It will attempt to ensure its survival by finding something else to identify with, for example, a mental image of yourself as someone who has transcended all interest in material possessions and is therefore superior, is more spiritual than others. There are people who have renounced all possessions but have a bigger ego than some millionaires. If you take away one kind of identification, the ego will quickly find another. It ultimately doesn’t mind what it identifies with as long as it has an identity.

Analysis! Analysis! Analysis!

[Chorus]
0:30 "Rich n\***, broke phone / Tryna keep the balance, I'm stayin' strong"*
Spiritual ego: Kendrick has a "broke phone" because he abstains from technology and social media. He's able to "keep the balance" between his extraordinary success (being a "rich n****") and his spirituality. He's "staying strong" in the face of a world that demands you engage in the toxicity of social media, and by abstaining, he thinks he's more spiritually pure than everyone else (we'll see more evidence of this throughout the song).
Materialism: Kendrick is "tryna keep the balance", which means he is literally trying to maintain his bank balance. He's attached to his wealth. Because he's a "rich n****", his friends and family to try to use him for money, but he's "stayin' strong" by being completely unresponsive to their requests, as if he had a "broke phone".
Silence/Being distant: Kendrick's "broke phone" refers to how he hides his infidelity, calling back to United in Grief where he says "phone off the ringer, tell the world I'm busy" before hooking up with "green eyes". The "broke phone" is also a symbol of his silence on social media. Finally, the "broke phone" is a symbol for his distance and emotional unavailability in his relationships, as it implies he often fails to call or pick up calls from his friends and family. This is supported by the use of a broken rotary phone rather than a broken digital phone in the Rich Spirit music video. Kendrick is "tryna keep the balance" between his personal life and his music career.
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0:35 "Stop playin' with me 'fore I turn you to a song / Stop playin' with me 'fore I turn you to a song"
This line could also be about Kendrick "tryna keep the [financial] balance". He's fighting off fake friends/family who try to use him for money by threatening to make a song about them. He is so influential that this is a significant and effective threat.
The "song" could also refer to the argument in We Cry Together, especially considering it's the next song on the album. With this interpretation in mind, this line shows him callously addressing Whitney (his wife), telling her to shut up before he makes their relationship issues public. He is using silence to avoid being reminded that he is a cheater. His lack of empathy and distance later becomes a point of contention in We Cry Together: "[Kendrick:] Bitch I don't know shit, fuck yo' feelings" and "[Taylor Paige:] Bitch, I ain't slow nor ditsy, I know when you're being distant / I know when you fake busy". This builds on the theme of him being distant in his relationships.
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0:40 "Ayy, bitch I'm attractive / Can't fuck with you no more, I'm fastin'"
Continuing with the interpretation of Kendrick "tryna keep the [financial] balance", Kendrick is telling his friends and family he "Can't fuck with [them] no more". He is cutting off the snakes who only care about his wealth.
Kendrick is also saying he's "attractive" - both physically and spiritually. As u/Flaky-Mission noted in his analysis, "attractive" refers to the Law of Attraction, a New Age idea that postulates that you attract what you think about. Kendrick is saying that he is becoming spiritually awakened. He is "fastin'", which is a traditional spiritual practice in Christianity where one refrains from eating for a fixed period of time. As a result, Kendrick can no longer "fuck with" or associate with the less spiritual people in his life. Of course, this is Kendrick's spiritual ego showing - Jesus himself constantly associated with sinners, the poor, and the outcasts of society. This is reinforced by the fact that openly bragging about your attractiveness is egotistical.
Finally, this line could build on the theme of infidelity in the chorus. Here, Kendrick continues to taunt Whitney, saying that he is attractive, wealthy, and popular, and as a result can easily cheat or leave her and find someone else without consequence.
To summarize, the chorus has multiple interpretations:
Kendrick's Spiritual Awakening: Kendrick views himself as more spiritual than others. As a result, he has a "broke phone" to avoid the negative influences of social media. He stops associating with many people, including his own listeners, because he sees himself as "attractive" - that is, spiritually superior to them. However, he is blind to the spiritual ego he is forming.
Maintaining Wealth: In the midst of his astronomical success, Kendrick finds himself surrounded by snakes and fake friends who try to use him for money. In an effort to "keep his [bank account] balance", he cuts them off as if he had a "broke phone". He dissuades them by threatening to leverage his influence to "turn [them] to a song", and also stops "fuck[ing] with" (associating with) them completely. His materialism strains his relationships.
Unspoken Infidelity: Kendrick abuses his wealth and success as a "rich n****" to fuel his lust addiction, and he hides his infidelity by turning his phone off and pretending he is busy, like it was a "broke phone". When Whitney confronts him, he is distant and avoids the topic, telling her to "stop playin' with me 'fore I turn you to a song [We Cry Together]". He reminds her that to the world, he is "attractive", and can "stop fuck[ing] with" her whenever he wants. In the chorus itself, he is silent about his adultery.

Three Key Themes

Throughout Rich Spirit, there are three key themes:
Spiritual ego: Pay close attention to how Kendrick points out the flaws, immorality, and spiritual missteps of others without acknowledging his own failures. When Kendrick talks about his spiritual attainment, it is always in direct contrast to other people, implying a sense of spiritual superiority. He is often subtly hypocritical when judging others. This passage from the Gospel of Matthew is relevant:

Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye but fail to notice the beam in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when the beam is in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Kendrick sees the speck (flaws) in his brother's (other people's) eye, but fails to see the beam (decaying relationships, infidelity, unsustainable coping mechanisms) in his own eye. But rather than work on his own problems, he spends the song criticizing others.
Materialism: Many lines in Rich Spirit point to Kendrick's desire to maintain his wealth and his hesitance to give it away. Kendrick also uses wealth as a coping mechanism to deal with pain as well as to "fix" relationships. Note that when Kendrick claims that he isn't attached to his wealth, he contrasts himself with others who are attached, feeding his spiritual ego.
Silence/being distant: In Rich Spirit, Kendrick repeatedly criticizes social media and clout-chasing. He avoids using technology, and remains silent online. However, he is also distant in his relationships and effectively goes silent when cheating, not responding to his phone. To reflect this, Kendrick uses double entendres that simultaneously criticize social media and expose his coldness in relationships.

Kendrick's Insane Lyricism

Feel free to skip around or just search for bars you don't understand - there's admittedly a lot here. But I promise, if you're interested in lyricism, this is worth reading though.
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Verse 1
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0:00 "Takin' my baby to school, then I pray for her / Cause you bitches ain't never been cool, writin' testament"
Kendrick says he is "writin' testament", a reference to the Old Testament and New Testament (these make up the Bible). He claims that his raps are holy scripture, which is an admittedly arrogant claim. This demonstrates his large spiritual ego.
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0:11 "Painting pictures put me in the Louvre, that's a definite"
The Louvre is the world's largest museum and contains some of the most famous art in history. Kendrick is saying he is so good at describing images in his raps that they should be in the Louvre alongside other universally acclaimed high art, again showing his ego.
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0:14 "Celebrity do not mean integrity, you fool / I'm a good man, shake your hand, firm grip rule"
On the surface, he's calling out other celebrities for lacking integrity, as well as mocking the audience for seeing celebrities as perfect people. He says he's a "good man" who will "shake your hand" with a "firm grip", which implies that he has integrity and is therefore an exception. However, he also lacks integrity - he constantly lies to Whitney about his cheating. Here, him saying "you fool" is pointing to the audience and saying "you're a fool if you think this doesn't apply to me too".
"You fool" is also a Biblical reference, which ties back to Kendrick's claim that he's "writing' testament". Jesus said "and whoever says, “You fool!” will be liable to the hell of fire." (Matthew 5:22). This is in line with Jesus' teachings to "Judge not, lest ye be judged". Kendrick is building up an ego by judging others, since judging someone implies that you are better than them. However, Kendrick is rapping from the perspective of his past self. By choosing the phrase "you fool", we can see that present Kendrick is conscious of the ego of his past self.
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0:22 "More than two M's, for a show, but add another two"
The other post already discussed multiple potential meanings of "M", but the straightforward reading shows Kendrick bragging that he makes over $2 million per show. Then, despite already being rich, Kendrick still wants to accumulate wealth and "add another two [million]", showing his persistent materialism.
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Verse 2
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0:50 "The morality can wait / Feedback on low latency"
Here Kendrick refers to the instant (low latency) gratification and feedback people get from social media. This causes people to overlook "morality" for likes, attention, and clout. He showcases a subtle ego as this suggests he is morally superior for not using social media.
"Feedback on low latency" also refers to a physical feedback loop that might occur at a concert when a microphone picks up the audio from the speakers, which can only happen when there is low latency between the microphone and the speakers. This produces a nasty distorted screeching noise. In a similar way, when Kendrick ignores morality and commits infidelity, it creates a negative feedback loop. He uses sex as a coping mechanism for pain, but cheating produces guilt, shame, and massive tension in his marriage, so he has more sex to make himself feel better. This causes him to be trapped in a cycle, since he doesn't know the proper way to deal with his emotions.
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0:53 "I'm glitchin' from the face"
Bro is spitting fr
(but seriously, read u/Flaky-Mission's post on this section)
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0:56 "I'm running out of space, ask Whitney she okay / Never mind a hundred K, why you lyin' on Benjamin? / He turnin' in his grave / I'd be lyin' if I said I wouldn't give this shit away"
Whitney is not ok. Kendrick is likely being willfully ignorant of the pain he causes Whitney by cheating on her and is using silence/being distant as a coping mechanism to avoid thinking about it. When Kendrick says "Never mind a hundred K", he is trying to use his wealth to fix his marriage (by flippantly giving Whitney $100,000), another example of his materialism. Again, this foreshadows the argument in We Cry Together, where Kendrick yells "Man, bitch, you trippin', who bought you that Rollie chain?" as if that will fix the deeper relationship issues present. We see how he can't buy forgiveness when in Count Me Out when he says "What fair when the money don't take things back?".
"Why you lyin' on Benjamin" refers to hundred dollar bills (money). Kendrick is rhetorically asking why people lie about their wealth on social media, knowing that the answer is for clout and attention. Kendrick is also asking why people are "lyin' [down] on Benjamin" (sitting on a pile of money). In contrast, he plans to "give this shit away" and donate all of his money. Notice how he builds up a spiritual ego by implying his planned charity makes him better than others. Also note that he is still "tryna keep the balance".
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1:05 "The aloof Buddha, I'm Christ with a shooter / Praise to Muhammed, I might n\***-noose ya"*
Buddha literally means "enlightened one", and aloof means "detached, distant". Kendrick is calling himself enlightened, again showing how Kendrick is ironically building up an ego about being spiritual. Him being the "aloof Buddha" shows how he is using spirituality to distance himself from his problems, which also describes his treatment of Whitney in the last bar. Christ, meaning Jesus Christ, was famously peaceful, and is the source of the idiom "turn the other cheek". To be "Christ with a shooter" is an oxymoron, which alludes to Kendrick's spiritual hypocrisy throughout this song.
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1:10 "AP Michael Friedman, my friends cooler / Primary, so the resale value stupid"
AP refers to Audemars Piguet, a Swiss Luxury Watch company whose watches have become a symbol of wealth in rap. Kendrick is referring to his jewelry as his "friends", showing how he has replaced genuine connection and relationships with materialism. This also shows how distant he is from his actual friends. Kendrick's jewelry is so "icy" (covered in diamonds) that it must be "cooler" than the listeners jewelry. His jewelry is also "primary", meaning one of a kind or the first of its kind, so the "resale value stupid" (absurdly high). This could reference his diamond crown of thorns which was a one-of-a-kind piece that cost $3 million. Notice how Kendrick is suggesting that he is better than the listener for having extremely expensive jewelry, which shows his ego and betrays his previous claim that he would "give this shit away".
"Michael Friedman" is also the Head of Complications of AP. Kendrick is saying that he is so famous, instead of just buying watches from AP, he is also friends with the lead designer of the watch company. Therefore his friends are cooler than yours (this brag is again showing his ego). Here, "primary" means he's been with his friends since primary school, or elementary school. Because he's been with them so long, he it would be "stupid" to sell them (leave them) now.
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1:14 "I would never live my life on a computer / IG'll get you life for a chikabooya / More power to ya, love em from a distance"
By saying "more power to ya", Kendrick is saying you can live your life however you want (but he would "never live [his] life on a computer"). Notice how the subtle judgmental tone feeds Kendrick's spiritual ego. "More power to ya" is also wordplay because to live your life online, it requires electrical power. "Love 'em from a distance" refers to the dynamic created by social media (think likes on Instagram) and celebrity worship (of which Kendrick's audience is no exception).
"Love 'em from a distance" also refers to Kendrick's distance from the ones he loves, particularly Whitney. This creates tension in his marriage, which blows up in We Cry Together: "Bitch, I ain't slow nor ditsy, I know when you're being distant".
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1:24 "And my cousin tried to sue me like he got the privilege / But I didn't lose sleep 'cause I got the spirit"
Kendrick is saying that he is so spiritual and detached from material things that he isn't worried about losing money from his cousin suing him. He has "the spirit", so it simply doesn't bother him. This is another reference to the Gospel of Matthew in the Bible (New Testament): "If someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well" (Matthew 5:40). This is just another way of saying "turn the other cheek". This Biblical reference supports Kendrick's claim that he's "writin' testament". However, we can see that Kendrick is building a spiritual ego around not being attached to wealth. It is hypocritical to openly declare that you have "the spirit".
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Verse 3
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2:00 "Frat brother, real n\***, that brother"*
In the next few lines, Kendrick mocks how (predominantly white) frat bro culture appropriates the aesthetic of gangs without having to live with any of the consequences. He contrasts the "frat brother" who uses rap as an aesthetic from the "real n****" who actually lives the subject matter of rap and who contributes to the culture. The use of the word "brother" makes fun of the fact that white frat bros can't say the n-word, implying that they say "brother" as a substitute.
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2:02 "We just upped the score, give me dap, brother"
From the perspective of the "real n****", upping the score refers to killing a member of an enemy gang, which is then celebrated by dapping. Meanwhile, the frat brother who is watching the game sees his team score a point, claims "we just upped the score", and appropriates the dap to celebrate.
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2:05 "Spirit medium, I don't rap, brother"
A "spirit medium" is someone who claims to be able to communicate with the dead/spirits. The "real n****" has seen his friends die, so when he raps, it's more than rap - he is channeling the spirts of his friends. As Tupac says in Mortal Man on TPAB, "Because the spirts, we ain't even really rapping' / We just letting our dead homies tell stories for us".
On the other hand, "spirit" can refer to an alcoholic beverage, while "medium" refers to the substance through which something is transferred. Thus, Kendrick is mocking frat bro culture by saying the "frat bro" is just a spirit medium, or a vessel for alcohol. All the frat bro does is drink and party, so he never raps.
Finally, Kendrick is talking about his own rapping ability. This line echoes the idea in Worldwide Steppers that Kendrick "Asked God to speak through me, that's what you hearin' now". Kendrick is channeling God through his raps, and as a result, his raps are so spiritual and perfect that they transcend the genre itself. This is Kendrick's spiritual ego talking.
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2:07 "We headed there now, are you strapped brother?"
The "real n****" is on his way to commit a robbery or murder with the gang (think of the story told in The Art of Peer Pressure). He needs to make sure they are all "strapped" (armed with a gun) to execute it successfully.
In a humorous contrast, the "frat brother" makes sure to check that all of the other brothers have their seatbelts "strapped" before leaving. Despite wanting to look dangerous, the frat brother is almost comically safe.
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2:09 "Ayy, peacemaker, but I'm not naive, brother"
Kendrick refers to himself as a peacemaker. This is another reference to the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus states "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God". In Biblical times, a "peacemaker" was someone who was sent to resolve a conflict between warring parties. However, Kendrick is not "naive", and doesn't think he can easily end long-standing disputes.
Given the context of the last four bars, Kendrick is likely referring to conflicts between gangs and frats. Kendrick wants to end disputes between rival gangs, but understands from his own experience how this may be impossible. He also wants to end the cultural division between those that make up gangs and the typically white upper-middle class people who make up frats.
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2:12 "Ayy, gotta watch your homies and police, brother"
In order to be a peacemaker, Kendrick has to "police" his "homies" to make sure they don't fight each other or other gangs. Alternatively, he has to police the behavior of frat brothers, making sure they aren't brazenly imitating gang culture.
Additionally, he has to watch both "homies" and "police" in order to make sure there is peace between his friends and police officers. The divide between "homies" and "police" is also representative of the demographic divide between gangs/frats.
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2:14 "Ayy, clout chasin' hell of a disease, brother"
While trying to police his friends' behavior, Kendrick sees them making extremely bad decisions for clout. The gang member might kill and brag about it on social media for clout, or flex their drug money and self-snitch in a rap. Likewise, the frat brother could pretend to be in a gang, or be openly racist for attention. The desire for clout infects his friends as if it were a disease. It also has severe consequences - it's not just a common cold, but rather a "hell of a disease".
This also builds on Kendrick's criticisms of social media through the song, as clout chasing is a phenomenon greatly exacerbated by social media.
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2:17 "I'm fastin' four days out the week, brother"
As u/Flaky-Mission noted in their analysis, this is a reference to the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

Kendrick is saying that he is so spiritual, he fasts four days a week (fasting is a traditional spiritual practice in Christianity). Kendrick is just like the Pharisee - throughout all of Rich Spirit, he has bragged about how much more spiritual he is than other people and about how much money he will give away. He has a massive spiritual ego in this song and lacks humility. In the end, Kendrick will be judged like the Pharisee.
In a sense, Kendrick is clout chasing - he is stuck in his savior complex, and wants to be seen as someone who is spiritually awakened and who can save humanity. By describing clout chasing as a "hell of a disease" in the previous line, Kendrick subtly points to the Biblical consequences of his attitude.
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2:29 "I pray to God you actually pray when somebody dies / Thoughts and prayers, way better off timelines"
Kendrick is saying that when other (famous) people die, people should pray for them in private rather than broadcasting their grief on social media "timelines" for validation. This is another reference to the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus says "When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men … but when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your father who is unseen." (Matthew 6:5-8). Hypocritically, Kendrick prays for this on a song that will be listened to by millions.
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2:34 "False claimin' not cute, I'm mortified"
"False claimin'" also refers to the practice of pretending to be affiliated with a specific gang, calling back to Kendrick's criticisms of frat culture at the beginning of the verse. Kendrick disavows false claiming, saying it is "not cute", but makes him "mortified". The word mortified begins with the prefix mort-, meaning "death" in Latin. This word choice shows the tragic and fatal consequences false claiming can have if it causes people to get tied into gang violence.
People may also "false claim" on social media when rappers die, pretending to have been fans, and feigning grief over someone they never cared about before.
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2:37 "The new Earth in hot pursuit, two hundred lives"
"The new Earth" refers to Eckhart Tolle's spiritual self-help book, "A New Earth". In it Eckhart Tolle defines, "the new Earth" as a world where people are increasingly awakened to the true nature of consciousness. One of Tolle's key teachings is to see through the illusion of ego. Here is relevant excerpt from the book:

To “own” something – what does it really mean? What does it mean to make something “mine”? If you stand on a street in New York, point to a huge skyscraper and say, “That building is mine. I own it,” you are either very wealthy or you are delusional or a liar. In any case, you are telling a story in which the thought form “I” and the thought form “building” merge into one. That’s how the mental concept of ownership works. If everybody agrees with your story, there will be signed pieces of paper to certify their agreement with it. You are wealthy. If nobody agrees with the story, they will send you to a psychiatrist. You are delusional, or a compulsive liar.

With this in mind, "false claimin'" refers to all of the false claims of ownership and identity that the ego makes. An alternate definition of "mortify" is "to subjugate (the body, passions, etc) by abstinence, ascetic discipline, or self-inflicted suffering)". When Kendrick says he's "mortified", he's saying he is immune to the false claims of ego because of his abstinence to social media and his commitment to give away his wealth. As a result of his personal awakening, "the new Earth [is] in hot pursuit", meaning that it is rapidly getting closer to becoming a reality.
However, Eckhart Tolle says The New Earth can only exist in the here and now - it can't be getting closer.

The arising of a new heaven and by implication a new earth are not future events that are going to make us free. Nothing is going to make us free because only the present moment can make us free. That realization is the awakening. Awakening as a future event has no meaning because awakening is the realization of Presence. So the new heaven , the awakened consciousness, is not a future state to be achieved. A new heaven and a new earth are arising within you at this moment, and if they are not arising at this moment, they are no more than a thought in your head and therefore not arising at all. What did Jesus tell his disciples? “Heaven is right here in the midst of you.

Thus, the "new earth in hot pursuit" is just a thought in Kendrick's head, and not close at all. In the same way, Kendrick's believes he is close to enlightenment, but he is actually very far from it. Kendrick thinks he is "mortified" and therefore protected from the false claims of the ego, but this itself is a false claim of his ego. Kendrick's belief that he is already awakened is the biggest obstacle to his awakening. Ultimately, his spiritual shortcomings blow up in his face in the next song, We Cry Together.
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If you made it all the way through or just skimmed, thanks for reading! If you skipped over it, I also completely understand lol

Chapter LXXI
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Somewhere, West Virginia, USA.
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"-ive? Clive?" Hamish repeated as he tried to shake Clive awake.
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Hamish thought something might've been wrong when he didn't see him for the day. But as he watched Clive snoring away with a book about someone named Odysseus planted over his face, he realized that he had just dozed off.
"Clive!" Hamish yelled.
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Clive grunted as he was rudely awakened. He grunted more when he rolled off his small cot.
"Wha?"
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"Tha festival is startin'! Ifin yer goin' ta join better come now fer you sleep it all away!" Hamish chided as he left Clive to blink and rub away the sleep from his eyes.
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Clive groaned as he crawled out of his tent, stretched and glanced about. Everything was abuzz with activity as the festival was under way! There was shouting and laughter as great platters of food were carried everywhere near the central tent.
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Tables were placed around where dozens of halflings were already feasting and drinking. Meats, pies, spuds and gourds were in various states of being eaten as Clive walked about the festival grounds. Bowls as big as the halflings were filled to the brim with thick gravy and soups and the halflings were swarming it with either bowls of their own or just dipping their food in, some even just scooped with their bare hands!
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He could see at least six pigs being spit-roasted over roaring fires all across the grounds. Not just that either as Clive saw a butcher's tent with just as much activity as the halflings brought several sheep, chickens, and cows over to be slaughtered for the gluttonous half-men. Some were even walking out with whole legs and raw strips of flesh!
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Kegs the size of Clive's car were brought out and warm frothy beer was served to wash it all down. Clive saw that some of the railyard workers had stayed after work and were celebrating. He went over to Sam, who was chatting with the others.
"This all whos staying?"
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"Naw. Some went back to get their girls and some beer and food of their own to bring back." Sam replied.
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Clive saw several cars and trucks pull up. Some were said railyard workers coming back, while others were the ranchers and farmers from around town. Some waved to Clive and Sam when they spotted the two before joining the festivities.
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This was fun, Clive thought as he got a cold beer from a cooler one of the humans brought. It was like a typical country party. Though with less country music and more food. But he liked it as he took a swig of his beer and began to mingle with the others.
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As things got going a halfling dressed in a nice tweed coat and spectacles climbed on top of one of the bigger tables and called for everyone's attention.
"Ifin I'll 'ave e'eryones attention? Let me start by sayin' welcome ta this years Harvest Festival!"
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The mixed crowd cheered and raised some mugs and bottles of booze. Once it died down the announcer continued.
"Fer our first round o' activities! A pumpkin contest!"
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The crowd cheered, though a halfling ran up to the announcer and whispered something to him. He nodded and got the crowds attention once more.
"Unfortunately, with no harvest there aren't no pumpkins to judge."
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The crowd of halflings aw'd in disappointment. But some of the human farmers stood and announced that among the things they brought for the festival were pumpkins! The crowd cheered as the contest resumed! Even if it was purely humans competing.
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So the farmers brought out their various pumpkins for the halflings to judge. Some were the typical pumpkin. Orange and round. But the humans brought out a few that caused the halflings to stare in curiosity. Some were small and white. Others were a speckled orange and green. Some had what looked like barnacles on them!
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They may not be quite as big as the halflings usually grow, but they weren't lacking in diversity and uniqueness. As the three judges finished their deliberation they announced the winner. The farmer who first offered their pumpkins for the competition! He was given a simple pink ribbon with a shiny brass button that simply read 1st!
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That's how most of the activities were after that. Produce judging and food tastings. The humans pretty much stole the former, since the halflings had no harvest to offer. But it was more even during the latter as country and halfling cooking clashed!
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Berry and shepherd pies met pecan and apple. Even a grill off was suggested and several folk took up their own firepits and roasted every kind of meat there was at the festival.
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Time flew by pretty fast as the sun began to set and turned the festival a golden color. Then came the auctions. The halfling announcer told the halflings that the various herds of animals that Hamish and Clive had procured for the colony would now be auctioned off to any that had the coin, or cash.
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Most didn't have the wealth to participate but still payed attention. Family rivalries tended to flare during auctions as wealth and status were thrown around.
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Some of the sheep were herded into a pen near the table and the bidding began. It was actually pretty slow. Both the announcer and the bidding. He would call someone and look around kinda lost for a moment before calling for a counter bid. The slow process would repeat for several minutes before an older human got up and kindly, but firmly, nudged the halfling off the table. A couple others brought over a speaker and mic they brought for singing.
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The older gentlemen tapped on the mic, which gave a high-pitched noise as the sound adjusted. Once settled the older man spoke.
"Lets give a round of applause to the lil feller for doin' his duty folks!"
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The crowd clapped as the halfling, initial somewhat insulted, smiled and waved to the crowd.
"But we came for an AUCTION! So lets start the biddin'!"
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He was given a gavel and a side table to slam on as he begun the ever entertaining auctioneer barking.
"DOISEEFIFTYFORTHESESHEEPFIFTYFIFTYDOISEEFIFTYFIVEFROMTHEGENTLEMANINTHEBACKFIFTYFIVEGOIN'ONCEGOIN'TWICESIXTYFROMTHEFELLERINYELLOW!"
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It was like a switch was flipped as the halflings found themselves energized by the mans rapid speak. Some that didn't even have wealth would throw their hands up just to keep him going! Clive saw some of the kids try and imitate the auctioneer. They laughed when one of their friends got dizzy from the endeavor and fell down.
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BANG!
"SOLD! TO THE BIG MAN IN THE WHEELBARROW!"
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Clive looked at who the man was pointing to and saw the largest, and fattest, halfling ever! He was so big that he was, indeed, in a large wooden wheelbarrow. Being pushed around by half a dozen halflings who had a few similarities with the blob, while two women walked beside his wheelbarrow, draped in fine clothes and even bits of jewelry.
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The halfling was so big that his fat arms and legs would touch the ground if his massive girth didn't prevent them from doing so. The rolling blob cheered and gave a wide smile that revealed that most of his teeth were gone save for a few left by themselves in the girthling's gums.
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He rolled up and shook the auctioneer's hand with a fatty hand and greasy sausage fingers. Clive wasn't sure how the blobling could even see with the large fat pouch that hung over his eyes from his forehead.
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If he were to walk and stand he was sure the wheeled-bound man could almost reach Clive's shoulders! But he doubt he could even sit up without aid let alone stand. As he rolled on over to Clive, Sam, and the Hambingers that had joined them during the festival, the torches revealed just how oily and greasy the man was. Even the clothes he had on, though fine, were soaked and stretched.
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The man grabbed a whole hamleg from a nearby platter and munched down on it as he neared the group. More grease and juices flowing down his many chins as he chomped away.
"AH! Hamish! How *chomp munch* are you this *belch* evenin'?!"
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The blob and Hamish made some small talk as the two talked about the festival and the quality of the animals that him and Clive had brought. When Clive's name came up the lardling looked in Clive's direction. Clive still wasn't sure how he could see him.
"Clive! Nice ta *munch munch* finally meat you! 'Ey?! You still available? 'Cause I *chomp chomp* got some daughters tha' need a good husband ta look after 'em!"
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The girthling spoke, but it was mostly spittle and bits of food that flew out of those thick, greasy, lips. Clive smiled politely and tried really hard not to notice how wet his shirt had gotten, or the bits of ham and fat that now adorned it.
"Perhaps another time! When our living situations are in better conditions to properly care and treat such fine women as your daughters no doubt are!"
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The girthling looked at Clive for a long moment, so long that he had stopped chewing and now a thick river of drool flowed from his mouth and down his many chins. Then he smiled and laughed.
"Indeed! When my 'ome is built by these *munch munch* fine humans tha' you were kind enough ta *hack cough* introduce us ta! You come by 'nd *chomp chomp* I'll get you sorted with one o' my lovely daughters!"
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The blob smiled and shook Clive's hand with his greasy, though surprisingly strong, hand and went back to the auction with a loud passing of gas as the next round was ready. Other than soaked and somewhat violated as he wasn't sure where to wipe the thick layer of grease and oil off, he wasn't sure how to feel about meeting the great creature that was far from "half" of anything.
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"Hamish? Who, or WHAT, was that?" Clive asked as Sam brought Clive some paper towels and napkins. Though it did little good and Clive guaranteed he would have to burn these clothes just to get the stench of spittle and grease out.
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"Tha' were Carl Fallmeadow himself!" Hamish said as if the humans nearby would, or should, know that.
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"Ok? Whos that?"
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"Oh?! Right. Well he were tha one tha' led our people ta freedom from tha elves!"
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"The elves?"
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"Yup! 50, 60 years I think its been? I were but a babe when it happened! Not entirely sure 'ow it 'appened but tha elvish kingdom we were a part of 'ad increased tariffs on our grain exports! Devastated tha economy o' tha halflin' villages! We were goin' ta starve with 'ow 'ard it hit us! So 'Ol Fallmeadow there, 'nd many o' those tha' would become the Big families, rose up 'nd threw off tha shackles o' tha elves!"
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Clive pointed to the blob that couldn't even touch his toes.
"He did that?!"
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"Aye! He was a grand sight back then!" Hamish said with a hint of reverence.
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Course it was later when Clive had talked up a few of the more drunken members of the Big Families that he learned it was all a load of hogwash. Fallmeadow and the others wanted the profits for the vast farmlands the halflings controlled all to themselves, and weren't ones to give a portion to the elves who were actually protecting them in exchange for a cut of the halfling's harvest.
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So him and the other families that would make up the Big Families, staged a rebellion against the elves, with the aid of several human kingdoms and even a few dwarf fiefdoms to take the actual brunt of the fighting. Not that Carl didn't fight, he actually DID fight against the elves! It was just that most of the war was fought by the elves, humans, and dwarves. With the halflings being more of an annoyance to the elves than an actual threat.
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Once it was all said and done. Several territorial disputes were settled and the halflings were granted their "freedom" in the form of the Fallmeadow Confederacy, named after the man himself. Him and the other families would "graciously" take charge at the upper echelons of halfling society and power. During the power vacuum after the elves left they took it upon themselves to scoop up all the farmland they could get before someone else.
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A few lucrative trade deals, some marriages, bribes and threats later. Fallmeadow and the Big Families are stupidly wealthy and powerful, at least by halfling standards they are.
"But if he's your leader why is he here and not in the capitol of your nation?"
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"After many years he grew tired o' tha politicking 'nd retired ta his 'ome town, which was our community! Our little town was small, but it were prestigious! Fallmeadow 'nd more than a handful o' tha Big Families called it 'ome! Since then he's enjoyed his wealth 'nd tha love o' his people ta tha fullest!" Hamish stated.
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Clive could see that as he watched the fatman cheer and call out bids during the auction and mingle with the others during the down time. The Big Families kept to themselves at their own tables, but he actually seemed to enjoy spending time with the others. Joining in on bawdy tales and drink with his fellow halflings. He even talked freely with the humans. Laughing and talking with them like they were old friends.
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He still felt bad for the man's kids as they pushed their father's tonnage around, and the sight of him made Clive's arteries clog. But he seemed like a decent enough guy. Clive excused himself as he went to change, and most likely burn, his clothes.
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With a change of clothes Clive returned to find the auction over and a return to the general feasting. Clive grabbed a beer and joined Sam and the Hambingers for the rest of the night. Drinking, feasting, he talked to a few people as the night went on and the beer flowed.
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After that Clive couldn't remember much, there was alot of food and booze and faces that flashed through his mind as he groaned into his pillow as the hangover came with a vengeance. The kids were put to bed after a time, but he couldn't remember why.
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He rolled over a bit and realized he wasn't alone in his cot. He peaked open a eye, earning a migraine from the small action, and looked at the warm body that was sharing his bed. A very buxom halfling woman snoozed quietly next to him, but he couldn't see her face.
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As he sat up he realized that he was nekked as a slight breeze blew through the tent. As his vision stopped swimming he looked down at the halfling that warmed his bed and the very satisfied look on her face.
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It was one Carrie Longfellow and she was VERY nude! Clive pleaded silently as he lifted the blanket, dreading what he might see. But his fears were confirmed when there was very obvious evidence as to what the two had gotten up to last night.
"Shit!" Clive cursed in as low a whisper as he could.
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He gingerly climbed over the sleeping halfling and got dressed before leaving his tent. As he winced and groaned at the sun as it hit his face, he looked around and saw that he wasn't alone.
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Bodies were EVERYWHERE! Some clothed, some butt naked, some covered in remnants of food or booze, others in vomit or other bodily fluids that he dared not think about. Some were just in piles of flesh. It looked like the end of some of the frat parties back at college, Clive thought as the only thing missing would be some college football mascot stumbling around, puking into his oversized mask.
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He wasn't the only one to awaken and wander out his tent though as he saw several humans crawl out of tents with various looks of shame, guilt, or pride. Depending on their relationship status. He even saw a few of the human couples crawl out of different tents or disentangle themselves from bodies that were most definitely NOT the people they came here with!
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These couples would either glare and yell before storming away barely clothed, or would turn red faced and barely look at one another as they made their way to their cars or trucks in awkward silence. While looking around he saw someone he didn't expect to see. Sam groaned and crawled from a tent just a couple tents down from Clive. Thankfully he was fully dressed. He spotted Clive and walked over towards him.
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"Mornin' Cliven." Sam said awkwardly.
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"Morning."
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The two looked at one another with a bit of embarrassment. Some redheaded halfling crawled out of the tent Sam had come from and made over to Sam, barely dressed with her freckled bust in full display.
"Come by fer a visit when yer done workin' Sam!"
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She cooed and Sam bent down awkwardly so she could give him a peck on the cheek before she skipped back to her tent. He coughed awkwardly.
"If you could, uhm, maybe not mention this to Jeb?"
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Before Clive could answer, Carrie came out of Clive's tent as well, fully nude save for a nice lime green dress bundled in her arm. She gave Clive's thigh a kiss.
"Lookin' forward ta next time Cliven!"
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She sauntered away as she blew Clive a kiss and a flirty wink.
"I won't tell if you don't."
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The two men agreed and went to their tasks they had planned for today. Gingerly avoiding the many bodies as well as puddles of unknown origins.
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Alright, buckle up, fellow beer enthusiasts! We're about to embark on a journey of hops, barley, and pure awesomeness. Beer, my dudes, is the nectar of the gods, the elixir of life, and the ultimate social lubricant. Whether you're chugging it at a frat party, sipping it at a fancy craft brewery, or crushing cans around a campfire, beer is the lifeblood of any self-respecting bro.
First off, let's talk about the taste. Oh man, that moment when you crack open a cold one and take that first sip, it's like a symphony of flavors dancing on your tongue. From crisp and refreshing lagers to hoppy IPAs that punch you in the face with their bitterness, beer is a literal taste explosion. And don't even get me started on stouts and porters, those dark and delicious brews that are basically dessert in a glass. It's like drinking a liquid hug from the beer gods themselves.
But beer isn't just about the taste, it's a whole experience. Think about it, bros: cracking open a cold one with the boys, clinking glasses in a toast, and chugging competitions to see who can shotgun the fastest. It's all about the camaraderie, the bonding, and the unforgettable memories made over a couple of brewskis. Plus, beer pong, the ultimate bro sport, is basically an Olympic event in our book. Who needs medals when you can win glory by landing a ping pong ball into a solo cup filled with that golden liquid goodness?
And let's not forget the versatility of beer. Need something to wash down that juicy burger? Crack open a cold one. Pizza night with the bros? Pizza and beer are like a match made in heaven. Tailgating before the big game? You better believe there's gonna be a cooler stocked with ice-cold brews. Heck, you can even cook with beer and level up your culinary game with beer-battered chicken wings, beer-infused chili, and beer-can chicken. It's like a bro's dream come true – beer for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
And don't even get me started on the creativity of craft beer, bros. These mad scientists of the brewing world are constantly pushing the boundaries of flavor and brewing techniques, creating brews with names like "Hops on Steroids IPA" and "Unicorn Farts Sour." It's like a never-ending quest for the holy grail of beer, and we're here for it. Plus, the labels and artwork on craft beer cans are a work of art. I mean, who wouldn't want to drink a beer with a label featuring a gorilla riding a unicorn while wielding a lightsaber?
Beer is also a prime accessory for any bro's social media game. How many epic bro pics have you seen of dudes crushing a cold one while basking in the glory of a beautiful sunset or lounging on a beach with a cooler full of brews? It's the ultimate flex, letting the world know you're living your best life with a frosty beverage in hand. Plus, beer festivals are like a mecca for beer-loving bros, with endless photo ops of you and your bros clinking glasses, trying out new brews, and rocking your best beer-themed apparel.
Let's not forget the economical benefits of beer, bros. It's the drink of the people, the working-class hero. It's affordable, accessible, and it comes in cans, bottles, and kegs, making it perfect for any bro on any budget. Plus, brewing your own beer at home is like a DIY project on steroids. It's a bro's dream to have a man cave decked out with brewing equipment, hops, and barley, and creating your own concoctions to share with your bros.
And let's talk about the history and culture of beer, bros. Beer has been around for centuries, with ancient civilizations brewing their own versions of this liquid gold. It has been a staple in celebrations, rituals, and gatherings, bringing people together for generations. From Oktoberfest in Germany to St. Patrick's Day in Ireland, beer is woven into the fabric of many cultures, and bros around the world can raise a glass to that.
Beer is also a source of endless entertainment, bros. Beer pong tournaments, flip cup championships, and pub quizzes are just a few of the epic games that involve our beloved brews. It's like a never-ending quest for glory, with the added challenge of doing it all while keeping your balance after a few too many drinks. The laughter, the friendly banter, and the epic wins and losses make for unforgettable moments that will be recounted in bro lore for years to come.
Let's not forget about the health benefits of beer, bros. Now, hear me out – in moderation, beer can actually be good for you. It's been shown to have antioxidant properties, promote heart health, and even improve bone density. So, you can chug a cold one guilt-free, knowing that you're actually doing your body some good. It's like a win-win situation – you get to enjoy the taste and experience of beer while also taking care of your health. Cheers to that!
Last but not least, let's talk about the sheer variety of beer, bros. From pilsners to pale ales, from lagers to lambics, from stouts to sours – there's a brew for every mood, every season, and every occasion. It's a never-ending adventure of discovering new flavors, trying out different styles, and expanding your beer palate. With new breweries and brewpubs popping up all over the place, the options are endless, and the journey to find the perfect beer is one that never gets old.
In conclusion, bros, beer is undeniably awesome. It's not just a beverage – it's a way of life, a culture, and a source of endless enjoyment. The taste, the camaraderie, the creativity, the history, the entertainment, the health benefits, and the sheer variety all make beer a legendary elixir that brings bros together in celebration of the finer things in life. So, let's raise a glass to beer, the liquid gold that keeps the brohood alive and thriving. Cheers, bros! #BeerLife #BroLove #HoppyDays

hey guys, i'm a freshman at william and mary currently and I decided to put together a bucket list for the next few years. Do you guys have anything I should add? Also congrats to everyone who got into/committed to William and mary! I was you guys a short year ago and I'm so happy I ended up here. xx
William and Mary Official Student Bucket-list:
Triathlon:
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• Triathlon in one night
• Hop Governor’s Palace
• Skinny Dip in Crim Del
• Streak Sunken Gardens

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• Swim in Matoka
• Sneak into underground physics lounge
• Get Margs at José Tequlia’s
• Have a class in the Wren
• Hang out with sheep in CW
• Yule Log
• Farmer’s Market
• Hop over the fence into college
• Paint a cooler for a Frat Formal
• Touch the Griffin’s Balls before an exam
• Ghost Tour
• Find your go-to Wawa order