hi all, looking for some advice. i (18f) and my boyfriend (22m) have been having lots of issues recently and i'm wondering if i did something wrong. we're also currently on a break because of these issues, but he told me that he doesn't know if he'll want to get back with me afterwards.
for some backstory, we have to go back to sept. he and i were on the phone when he started referring to his (now former) best friend as daddy and joking around with him. i expressed to him that it made me uncomfortable and that i wanted him to please stop flirting with his friends. he just brushed it off. (his friend did wind up apologizing to me though)
then, in jan, i caught him blatantly flirting with another one of his friends, calling him cute and funny and precious. once again, i told him that it made me extremely uncomfortable that he was doing this, especially in a group chat that i was in, and especially because that friend was someone who already didn't like me, having accused me of childishness and immaturity in the past over my (admittedly middle school-esque) sense of humor. he brushed me off again, and i got more upset to the point where i shouted at him for it, and his friend started calling me an overdramatic bitch. he sided with his friend.
in mid feb, while he was still 21, he was willing to break up with me to maintain a friendship with a 16 year old girl who i found out he was buying $60 games for. i don't mind that he buys stuff for other people, but a 16 year old girl?
from mid mar to early apr, he was allowing another woman to send him flirtatious messages (like "do you think tentacles are hot? bc i do", "how would you screw me?", etc). he didn't reciprocate, but he never really told her to stop. all he told her was that he didn't like doing erp. i was extremely uncomfortable with this, because this is passive cheating. he cried all night and begged me not to leave him after i found out the full story surrounding their interactions. how she broke up with her boyfriend to try to get with mine. how she tried to convince him to leave me. how she tried to find "compromise" to get him to date her without telling me, or to at least ask me to share him. i was absolutely floored that he never told her no outright, and how he never told her he had a gf until about the last 3 days of their interactions.
i felt bad, though, so i stayed. but it ate me up inside, and he never bothered to atone. not once. he just told me he felt bad, but it was a boundary i set over and over and freaking over. never changed anything. because he never respected this boundary and consistently disregarded it, i would be more upset with each following incident.
about 2 weeks ago, he introduced me to a friend of his, after months of begging to be able to meet them. now i know why he was hiding them from me. i was added to a group chat with this other girl (they're online friends) and within less than a day they were making suggestive comments back and forth at each other. it was all pretty vanilla, just stuff like "shut up" and "make me" with the looking eyes emoji. but with his track record, i knew something was going on, especially because they called each other cutesy nicknames.
i left the group chat immediately, and upon my return (at his request) i saw both of them bitching about how they were just joking and how i shouldn't have gotten upset. i texted him personally telling him that i've told him multiple times over the past few months that i don't like it when he acts like that with his friends and that if i knew it was like this i would never have asked to meet his friends. he blew up on me and told me that i keep throwing his "regrets" in his face to achieve moral high ground and called me sensitive and childish. mind you, i'm 18. he's 22.
then he ghosted me for several days, only bothering to talk to me when he was drunk. one of the nights he screamed at me over the phone for 45 minutes, calling me manipulative and abusive and toxic. telling me that everyone wants him to leave me. telling me he deserves someone who won't breathe down his neck. then two days later he, once again drunk, told me about how sweet and loving i am, how much he's attracted to me both physically and emotionally, how he'd make out with me anytime. that he didn't need anyone else and how everyone could go fuck themselves.
then he ghosted me again, and i (admittedly a little too much) began texting him. about every hour or so i would shoot him another text, because i was scared and worried. about 6 hours later he came back and told me he wants to break up, though he later told MY MOTHER that this would probably just be a break.
so, aita? did i do something wrong? if so, what? any and all advice or criticism is welcome, thank you

Some of these (like cozy materials) aren't necessarily uncommon, but I take them to an extreme.

• Metacognition, which is pretty difficult. It's hard to develop the capacity to think about your own thinking and come to accurate conclusions.
  
• Gothic-looking plants and painted deer skulls.
  
• Roller coasters.
  
• Ecology and psychology research papers, despite that I don't work in either of those fields. Lately, I'm especially devoted to moral psychology/philosophy.
  
• Cozy hiding places, which is why I have a canopy bed.
  
• Comfortable and cozy things. I have a massive collection of soft, fluffy slipper socks. Satin bedsheets and velvet comforters. Fluffy pillows.
  
• I'm not a railfan, but I spend lots of time watching trains.
  
• I spend a ridiculous amount of money on CocoaVia cocoa powder, roughly $1,000 a year. It's the one brand that contains enough flavanols to significantly improve memory and cardiovascular health without contamination from heavy metals like cadmium. That's why it's so expensive. Lately I've been mixing it with Mexican hot chocolate, which contains spices.
  
• Spice blends from other cultures.
  

Those are a few. What about you?

My Rep Page
 
I've:
 
Leftovers Resident Evil Decades of Horror 2022 Bundle (Steam):
Resident Evil HD REMASTER
Resident Evil 0 HD REMASTER
Resident Evil 4
Resident Evil 5 Gold Edition
Resident Evil 6
Resident Evil 7 Biohazard
Resident Evil Revelations
Resident Evil Revelations 2 Deluxe Edition
 
Leftovers Capcom Summer 2022 Bundle (Steam):
Strider
Bionic Commando
Street Fighter V
DmC: Devil May Cry
Ultra Street Fighter® IV
 
Humble Choice August 2022 (Steam):
Hot Wheels Unleashed
The Ascent
A Plague Tale Innocence
Gas Station Simulator
In Sound Mind
Mind Scanners
Emily is Away <3
Omno
 
Humble Choice September 2022 (Steam):
Crusader Kings III
Just Cause 4 (The Complete Edition)
The Dungeon of Naheulbeuk - The Amulet of Chaos
Forgive Me Father
Crown Trick
Descenders
INDUSTRIA
shapez + Puzzle DLC
 
Humble Choice October 2022 (Steam):
Deathloop
Monster Train
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope
Disciples: Liberation
Maid of Sker
Epic Chef
Railroad Corporation
Golf Gang
 
Humble Choice November 2022 (Steam):
Hell Let Loose
Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning FATE Edition
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun - Aiko's Choice
Roboquest
Eldest Souls
UnMetal
Raji: An Ancient Epic
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
 
Humble Choice December 2022 (Steam):
Wasteland 3
GreedFall
First Class Trouble
Backbone
TOEM
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
Blade Assault
Super Magbot
 
Humble Choice January 2023 (Steam):
DOOM® Eternal
Tribes of Midgard
Encased
OlliOlli World - Rad Edition
Grow: Song of the Evertree
Conan Chop Chop
Hokko Life
The Serpent Rogue
 
Humble Choice February 2023 (Steam):
Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous
Fallout 76 + Fallout 1
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
Othercide
Shady Part of Me
Scourgebringer
Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
Five Dates
 
Humble Choice March 2023 (Steam):
Biomutant
Jurassic World Evolution 2
Edge Of Eternity
Hero's Hour
Rogue Lords
Demon Turf
Golden Light
Monster Crown
 
Humble Choice April 2023 (Steam):
Death Stranding Director’s Cut
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Rollerdrome
Life is Strange 2: Complete Season
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Revita
Founders' Fortune
 
Humble Choice May 2023 (Steam):
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
Spiritfarer: Farewell Edition
Bendy and the Dark Revival
Operation: Tango
Windjammers 2
Builder Simulator
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
The Invisible Hand
 
Humble Choice June 2023 (Steam):
Ghostwire Tokyo
Remnant: From the Ashes - Complete Edition
Curse of the Dead Gods
Honey I Joined a Cult
Eternal Threads
GRIME
Turbo Golf Racing
Meeple Station
 
2K Megahits Bundle (Steam):
2x Army Men RTS
2x BioShock: The Collection
2x Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe
2x CivCity: Rome
2x Duke Nukem Forever
2x Duke Nukem Forever Hail to the Icons
2x Duke Nukem Forever The Doctor Who Cloned Me
2x The Golf Club™ 2019 featuring PGA TOUR
2x Hidden & Dangerous 2: Courage Under Fire
2x Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
2x Mafia: Definitive Edition
2x PGA 2K21
2x Railroad Tycoon 3
2x Railroad Tycoon II Platinum
2x Sid Meier's Civilization VI
2x Sid Meier's Railroads!
2x WWE 2K Battlegrounds
2x WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS - Ultimate Brawlers Pass
2x X-COM: COMPLETE PACK
 
starlight Bundle (Steam):
Alien Colonial Marines Collection
Aliens vs. Predator™ Collection
Day of the Tentacle Remastered
Full Throttle Remastered
Grim Fandango Remastered
LEGO Star Wars - The Complete Saga
LEGO® Star Wars™ III - The Clone Wars™
LEGO STAR WARS: The Force Awakens
Pinball FX3 - Marvel Pinball Season 1 Bundle
Pinball FX3 - Marvel Pinball Season 2 Bundle
Pinball FX3 - Star Wars Pinball Season 1 Bundle
Pinball FX3 - Star Wars Pinball: The Last Jedi
STAR WARS - Knights of the Old Republic
STAR WARS - The Force Unleashed Ultimate Sith Edition
STAR WARS Jedi Knight - Jedi Academy
STAR WARS Jedi Knight II - Jedi Outcast
STAR WARS Knights of the Old Republic II
 
The Serious Sam Bundle (Steam):
Serious Sam: Siberian Mayhem
Serious Sam 4
2x Serious Sam: Tormental
2x I Hate Running Backwards
2x Serious Sam's Bogus Detour
2x Serious Sam 3 Bonus Content DLC
2x Serious Sam 3: Jewel of the Nile
2x Serious Sam 3: BFE
2x Serious Sam 2
2x Serious Sam HD: The Second Encounter - Serious 8 DLC
2x Serious Sam HD: The Second Encounter - Legend of the Beast
2x Serious Sam HD: The Second Encounter
2x Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter
2x Serious Sam: The Random Encounter
2x Serious Sam: Kamikaze Attack
2x Serious Sam Double D XXL
2x Serious Sam Classics: Revolution
 
Survival Instinct Bundle (Steam):
2x Chernobylite: Enhanced Edition
2x SCUM
2x State of Decay 2: Juggernaut Edition
2x The Long Dark: Survival Edition
2x Volcanoids
2x SurrounDead
2x Starsand
 
Celebrating Black Creators and Characters (Steam):
2x Mafia III: Definitive Edition
2x Shadow Man Remastered
2x Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn
2x Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawl
2x An Airport for Aliens Currently Run by Dogs
2x Swimsanity!
2x Marlow Briggs and the Mask of Death
2x Semblance
 
Humble Heroines: Warriors, Dreamers, and God Slayers (Steam):
2x Batora: Lost Haven
2x Call of the Sea
2x Control Ultimate Edition
2x Dreamscaper
2x Praey for the Gods
2x Sable
2x Syberia: The World Before
 
and I've also ONLY KEYS for the following games + dlcs:
 
Steam:
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
Agatha Christie - The ABC Murders
Fallback: Uprising
Black Moon Chronicles
Blacksad: Under the Skin
Rose Riddle 2: Werewolf Shadow
Flashback
Dreamland Solitaire: Dragon's Fury
Syberia
REZ PLZ
Safety First!
The Wild Eight
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion® Game of the Year Edition Deluxe
DOOM (2016)
DOOM 3
Quake IV
RAGE
The Evil Within
Wolfenstein: The New Order
Wolfenstein: The Old Blood
Wolfenstein: Youngblood
Prey (2017)
Strider
Bionic Commando
DmC: Devil May Cry
Spyro Reignited Trilogy
Amnesia - The Dark Descent + A Machine for Pigs
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Monaco
Bioshock Remastered
Star Wars Jedi Knight™ II - Jedi Outcast
Speed Kills
Layers of Fear
11-11 Memories Retold
Killing Floor
 
Steam DLCs:
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box
Endless Legend - Echoes of Auriga
 
Rockstar Games:
Max Payne 3
 
EA:
Command and Conquer - The Ultimate Collection (17 C&C games)
 
I want:
Crysis Remastered Trilogy (Steam)
Detroit: Become Human on Steam (Steam)
Resident Evil 4 Remake (Steam)
Resident Evil Village + Winters' Expansion DLC (Steam)
LEGO® Star Wars™: The Skywalker Saga (Steam)
High On Life (Steam)
God of War (Steam)
UNCHARTED™: Legacy of Thieves Collection (Steam)
Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales (Steam)
Marvel’s Spider-Man Remastered (Steam)
Sackboy™: A Big Adventure (Steam)
The Last of Us™ Part I (Steam)
Returnal™ (Steam)
Dying Light 2 Stay Human (Steam)
ELDEN RING (Steam)
Dead Space Remake (Steam)
Atomic Heart (Steam)
Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® II (Steam)
Need for Speed™ Unbound (Steam)
 
Let me know if you're interested and btw NO PAYPAL 😎

My Rep Page
 
I've:
 
Leftovers Resident Evil Decades of Horror 2022 Bundle (Steam):
Resident Evil HD REMASTER
Resident Evil 0 HD REMASTER
Resident Evil 4
Resident Evil 5 Gold Edition
Resident Evil 6
Resident Evil 7 Biohazard
Resident Evil Revelations
Resident Evil Revelations 2 Deluxe Edition
 
Leftovers Capcom Summer 2022 Bundle (Steam):
Strider
Bionic Commando
Street Fighter V
DmC: Devil May Cry
Ultra Street Fighter® IV
 
Humble Choice August 2022 (Steam):
Hot Wheels Unleashed
The Ascent
A Plague Tale Innocence
Gas Station Simulator
In Sound Mind
Mind Scanners
Emily is Away <3
Omno
 
Humble Choice September 2022 (Steam):
Crusader Kings III
Just Cause 4 (The Complete Edition)
The Dungeon of Naheulbeuk - The Amulet of Chaos
Forgive Me Father
Crown Trick
Descenders
INDUSTRIA
shapez + Puzzle DLC
 
Humble Choice October 2022 (Steam):
Deathloop
Monster Train
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope
Disciples: Liberation
Maid of Sker
Epic Chef
Railroad Corporation
Golf Gang
 
Humble Choice November 2022 (Steam):
Hell Let Loose
Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning FATE Edition
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun - Aiko's Choice
Roboquest
Eldest Souls
UnMetal
Raji: An Ancient Epic
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
 
Humble Choice December 2022 (Steam):
Wasteland 3
GreedFall
First Class Trouble
Backbone
TOEM
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
Blade Assault
Super Magbot
 
Humble Choice January 2023 (Steam):
DOOM® Eternal
Tribes of Midgard
Encased
OlliOlli World - Rad Edition
Grow: Song of the Evertree
Conan Chop Chop
Hokko Life
The Serpent Rogue
 
Humble Choice February 2023 (Steam):
Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous
Fallout 76 + Fallout 1
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
Othercide
Shady Part of Me
Scourgebringer
Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
Five Dates
 
Humble Choice March 2023 (Steam):
Biomutant
Jurassic World Evolution 2
Edge Of Eternity
Hero's Hour
Rogue Lords
Demon Turf
Golden Light
Monster Crown
 
Humble Choice April 2023 (Steam):
Death Stranding Director’s Cut
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Rollerdrome
Life is Strange 2: Complete Season
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Revita
Founders' Fortune
 
Humble Choice May 2023 (Steam):
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
Spiritfarer: Farewell Edition
Bendy and the Dark Revival
Operation: Tango
Windjammers 2
Builder Simulator
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
The Invisible Hand
 
Humble Choice June 2023 (Steam):
Ghostwire Tokyo
Remnant: From the Ashes - Complete Edition
Curse of the Dead Gods
Honey I Joined a Cult
Eternal Threads
GRIME
Turbo Golf Racing
Meeple Station
 
2K Megahits Bundle (Steam):
2x Army Men RTS
2x BioShock: The Collection
2x Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe
2x CivCity: Rome
2x Duke Nukem Forever
2x Duke Nukem Forever Hail to the Icons
2x Duke Nukem Forever The Doctor Who Cloned Me
2x The Golf Club™ 2019 featuring PGA TOUR
2x Hidden & Dangerous 2: Courage Under Fire
2x Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
2x Mafia: Definitive Edition
2x PGA 2K21
2x Railroad Tycoon 3
2x Railroad Tycoon II Platinum
2x Sid Meier's Civilization VI
2x Sid Meier's Railroads!
2x WWE 2K Battlegrounds
2x WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS - Ultimate Brawlers Pass
2x X-COM: COMPLETE PACK
 
starlight Bundle (Steam):
Alien Colonial Marines Collection
Aliens vs. Predator™ Collection
Day of the Tentacle Remastered
Full Throttle Remastered
Grim Fandango Remastered
LEGO Star Wars - The Complete Saga
LEGO® Star Wars™ III - The Clone Wars™
LEGO STAR WARS: The Force Awakens
Pinball FX3 - Marvel Pinball Season 1 Bundle
Pinball FX3 - Marvel Pinball Season 2 Bundle
Pinball FX3 - Star Wars Pinball Season 1 Bundle
Pinball FX3 - Star Wars Pinball: The Last Jedi
STAR WARS - Knights of the Old Republic
STAR WARS - The Force Unleashed Ultimate Sith Edition
STAR WARS Jedi Knight - Jedi Academy
STAR WARS Jedi Knight II - Jedi Outcast
STAR WARS Knights of the Old Republic II
 
The Serious Sam Bundle (Steam):
Serious Sam: Siberian Mayhem
Serious Sam 4
2x Serious Sam: Tormental
2x I Hate Running Backwards
2x Serious Sam's Bogus Detour
2x Serious Sam 3 Bonus Content DLC
2x Serious Sam 3: Jewel of the Nile
2x Serious Sam 3: BFE
2x Serious Sam 2
2x Serious Sam HD: The Second Encounter - Serious 8 DLC
2x Serious Sam HD: The Second Encounter - Legend of the Beast
2x Serious Sam HD: The Second Encounter
2x Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter
2x Serious Sam: The Random Encounter
2x Serious Sam: Kamikaze Attack
2x Serious Sam Double D XXL
2x Serious Sam Classics: Revolution
 
Survival Instinct Bundle (Steam):
2x Chernobylite: Enhanced Edition
2x SCUM
2x State of Decay 2: Juggernaut Edition
2x The Long Dark: Survival Edition
2x Volcanoids
2x SurrounDead
2x Starsand
 
Celebrating Black Creators and Characters (Steam):
2x Mafia III: Definitive Edition
2x Shadow Man Remastered
2x Shaq Fu: A Legend Reborn
2x Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawl
2x An Airport for Aliens Currently Run by Dogs
2x Swimsanity!
2x Marlow Briggs and the Mask of Death
2x Semblance
 
Humble Heroines: Warriors, Dreamers, and God Slayers (Steam):
2x Batora: Lost Haven
2x Call of the Sea
2x Control Ultimate Edition
2x Dreamscaper
2x Praey for the Gods
2x Sable
2x Syberia: The World Before
 
and I've also ONLY KEYS for the following games + dlcs:
 
Steam:
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
Agatha Christie - The ABC Murders
Fallback: Uprising
Black Moon Chronicles
Blacksad: Under the Skin
Rose Riddle 2: Werewolf Shadow
Flashback
Dreamland Solitaire: Dragon's Fury
Syberia
REZ PLZ
Safety First!
The Wild Eight
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion® Game of the Year Edition Deluxe
DOOM (2016)
DOOM 3
Quake IV
RAGE
The Evil Within
Wolfenstein: The New Order
Wolfenstein: The Old Blood
Wolfenstein: Youngblood
Prey (2017)
Strider
Bionic Commando
DmC: Devil May Cry
Spyro Reignited Trilogy
Amnesia - The Dark Descent + A Machine for Pigs
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Monaco
Bioshock Remastered
Star Wars Jedi Knight™ II - Jedi Outcast
Speed Kills
Layers of Fear
11-11 Memories Retold
Killing Floor
 
Steam DLCs:
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box
Endless Legend - Echoes of Auriga
 
Rockstar Games:
Max Payne 3
 
EA:
Command and Conquer - The Ultimate Collection (17 C&C games)
 
I want:
Crysis Remastered Trilogy (Steam)
Detroit: Become Human on Steam (Steam)
Resident Evil 4 Remake (Steam)
Resident Evil Village + Winters' Expansion DLC (Steam)
LEGO® Star Wars™: The Skywalker Saga (Steam)
High On Life (Steam)
God of War (Steam)
UNCHARTED™: Legacy of Thieves Collection (Steam)
Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales (Steam)
Marvel’s Spider-Man Remastered (Steam)
Sackboy™: A Big Adventure (Steam)
The Last of Us™ Part I (Steam)
Returnal™ (Steam)
Dying Light 2 Stay Human (Steam)
ELDEN RING (Steam)
Dead Space Remake (Steam)
Atomic Heart (Steam)
Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® II (Steam)
Need for Speed™ Unbound (Steam)
 
Let me know if you're interested and btw NO PAYPAL 😎

I'll probably delete this tomorrow morning but anyway...
I'm born to Malayali parents settled in Delhi. Never in my life have I heard anyone including my parents tell me that I'm beautiful. Not even as a person. Childhood I've heard my friends speak of me matter of factly as the ugly of the group. Yeah we were kids so I don't feel bad. I studied in this Kerala minority school so there were kids having similar and even worse stories than mine.
Being a tomboyish I took least efforts in dressing. Even my mom didn't do much for her face and all. She wanted to but she was a procrastinator. I never wanted. But I've heard my mom tell me that when girls go through the adolescent phase, they somehow find self care things interesting. And she doubted why I didn't develop those interests. She even told me recently that she doubted I'm a girl even.
But my mom is one of the best. Really nice supporter and motivator. She's a teacher so I wanted to be like her one day, but be an even better mother to my kids. My Mother has passed on so many Morales and values to me, which I carry to this day. It's just those appearance and personality thing that I partially blame her.
In school, I wasn't much concerned about how I looked. Except for my crush who never batted an eye for me. I was a good public speaker. My confidence sky rocketed because looks wasn't the priority for me.
After school, in college, it changed my whole outlook and I found myself severely outdated. My styles, my dressings, my hair. I lost my confidence because COVID did the deed. My efforts towards moulding myself for the sake of people around me was least welcomed by my parents. They taunted me, scolded me. They told me that being from a Malayali household, I've to stick to those rules, be a typical mallu girl, never let the changes around affect me. I gave up because it was too much.
Now as I recently found my old selfies from 2014 and so, I noticed that I was better then. Had one healthy face, was prettier than I thought I was. It is just that I heard and am hearing the same, "You look ugly" then and now. Really we can't fit into the standards.
Found a guy. He is quite good looking and his personality is also nice. Nice talker and all. He feels he is ugly, which I don't blame him. Must be the same story as me. It's just that my days pass telling him that he deserves love and he isn't ugly. Because if I get to reverse even one person's self esteem issue, It would be a personal win. I like him because he is simply just nice to me, but he don't reciprocate the same feelings. There I felt, maybe if I was a bit hotter, he would have liked me. If I was cuter, then the validations that I give him would have been accepted by him. He clearly doesn't find me attractive like how I do. It's in the moments of this thought that I'm posting this.
As I go about with my life I feel I can never be pretty, never be beautiful for anyone. The person with whom I will spend my life will never romantically love me. To love me, one has to dig deeper, because I'm a private person. As I talk with this guy, I feel it would be nice to have someone to love me in a different way than what my parents do. Because he gave me a slightest bit of it..
He tells me that I'm pretty. Ha, okay. He is nice to me, wants to talk to me. So I started liking him. Today i felt for the first time that I lowered my expectations and standards a lot. He doesn't even acknowledge my appreciations. He sends me texts and reels that indirectly refer that he don't get the love he deserves. I just put a lot of efforts for this person who unsee the love that I try to give him. The words that come from my mouth are genuine and I don't actually give praises as a charity.
And guess what, college has surely worsened my self esteem issues. I could do nothing to better my appearance because it's unconventional to change in my household. Truth to be told, some days, I feel I'm hot and pretty and I've a good heart. But some days are just painful knowing all these people around me, but the one that loves is me only.
If I'm coming off as someone who craves for some validations, i won't disagree. Because I didn't get any.
If someone has read till now, I'm grateful. I'm working on my image issues btw. Words of affirmations to myself. Look in the mirror and tell myself, "You are beautiful after all." I've to just hit gym and I would feel good about my body too.

Fellow Eugene cps, where do you get your medication from? So far I have been to Walgreens, Walmart, and Costco. I am young, and often, mainly Walmart, will take their moral high ground and not give me my medication. The most common responses from Walmart are "you're too young to be taking X medication", "there's an interaction with another medication", "you're probably going to overdose", or "take this naloxone" while staring at me like I am pure garbage. Now, Costco, my god, they may fill everything and not say anything but it takes them almost a week to refill something as simple as an antidepressant I've had for years. Walgreens is the same though I've heard they are the only pharmacy that has the "right" to not dispense medication if they believe it's not right for you. There was gigantic class action lawsuit with about every single pharmacy dispensing opiates. I know it's a hot topic around here, but people need them to have a good day. Even a decent day. I am so tired of wondering when and if I'll get my medication on time. Anxiety makes pain worse.
Edit:spelling

https://imgur.com/a/tfMRo2y
A few months ago I made this post about a move deck I’d made that I was having moderate success with.
https://www.reddit.com/MarvelSnap/comments/11br1ch/actually_good_move_deck_guide/
This was during the height of the Thanos/Galactus/Shuri meta.
Then, last season, playing only this deck, I started at rank 40 and made it to infinite basically by accident. WITH OVER A WEEK LEFT IN THE SEASON.
And now, [Ghost-spider] is out, and sweet J Jonah is the deck WAY better with her. So here it is. Move is good.
https://imgur.com/a/XiW3rY5

(1) Human Torch

(1) Iron Fist

(2) Dagger

(2) Kraven

(2) Ghost-Spider

(2) Cloak

(3) Vulture

(3) Polaris

(4) Absorbing Man

(4) Miles Morales

(5) Aero

(6) Heimdall

eyJDYXJkcyI6W3siQ2FyZERlZklkIjoiQ2xvYWsifSx7IkNhcmREZWZJZCI6IkRhZ2dlciJ9LHsiQ2FyZERlZklkIjoiSXJvbkZpc3QifSx7IkNhcmREZWZJZCI6Ik1pbGVzTW9yYWxlcyJ9LHsiQ2FyZERlZklkIjoiS3JhdmVuIn0seyJDYXJkRGVmSWQiOiJQb2xhcmlzIn0seyJDYXJkRGVmSWQiOiJWdWx0dXJlIn0seyJDYXJkRGVmSWQiOiJIdW1hblRvcmNoIn0seyJDYXJkRGVmSWQiOiJBYnNvcmJpbmdNYW4ifSx7IkNhcmREZWZJZCI6IkFlcm8ifSx7IkNhcmREZWZJZCI6Ikdob3N0U3BpZGVyIn0seyJDYXJkRGVmSWQiOiJIZWltZGFsbCJ9XX0=

To use this deck, copy it to your clipboard and paste it from the deck editing menu in Snap.

TLDR: You’ll probably lose a bunch at first while you’re learning the deck, but once you learn it, it’s really good. And frankly, more fun than any other deck I’ve played.
https://imgur.com/CkILTGb
With this deck, I’ve currently breezed to rank 84 and show no signs of slowing down.
So how does it work?
Turn 1 – Skip (no, don’t play Iron Fist)
Turn 2 – Kraven middle, or Iron Fist > Human Torch, or Iron Fist to set up for Vulture/Dagger
Turn 3 – Play Vulture or Polaris their 1/2 drop into your Kraven. If you already played Human Torch and don’t have Vulture in hand, play Ghost-Spider to pull him again.
Turn 4 – This is your ideal Ghost-Spider turn if you played Vulture on 3. You can usually also play Miles Morales or whatever other move card you have.
Turn 5 – Cloak in the right lane + anything else. You usually want to be thinking about where your cards are going to end up at this point after your Heimdall. You need to make sure you have enough power in the mid lane going into turn 6 so that when you Heimdall, you can win the left lane.
Turn 6 – Move only the necessary cards to the right lane. This often means leaving Kraven + one other move card + other non-move cards (like Polaris/Iron Fist/Miles) in the middle and only moving a single card (like Vulture/Torch/Dagger) to the right. Then Play Heimdall in order to maximize your score in the left and mid lanes (remember to leave a spot open for him if possible).
There are a lot of variations on these turns, and this is far from an extensive list. For example, sometimes you’ll want to Cloak left or mid on turn 4, then Absorbing-Man-Cloak right on turn 5. And you’ll often spend your moves doing things like forgoing an extra 4 power on your Human Torch for an extra 5 power on your Vulture. But you need to spread the wealth here. Don’t put all your move payoffs in 1 lane on turn 6.
I’ll be honest. The deck is NOT easy to play. You will probably lose a fare amount trying to learn it. And once you do, you have to learn when to snap, which can be even trickier. But if you take the time (and the cubes) to learn, I promise you this deck is good, and a blast to play.
Okay, now let’s address some issues.
Locations
For some reason, people think move decks suffer from location variance. This is just plain false. If anything, the opposite is true.
Here is the list of good locations for move decks:
New York, The Bifrost, Strange Academy, Kun-lun, Asteroid M, Altar of Death, and anything that restricts play (i.e. Altar of Death, Deaths Domain, Sanctum Sanctorum, Crimson Cosmos, etc.) And these only include the very good locations. There are plenty others (like sinister London, Mojoworld, Asgard) that are only pretty good.
Here is the list of bad locations: Central Park, Savage Land, Fisk Tower, The Peak
Even Worldship is alright because you can just Polaris their low-cost into it (just don’t play Cloak later).
Omitted Cards
Dr Strange – 3 mana for 3 power and 1 move is bad. Iron Fist and Ghost-spider do that much for less. Then there’s Cloak
Multiple Man/Forge/Hulk Buster – While I’d love for Multiple Man to fit into this deck, I just can’t do it. It’s too inconsistent to power him up, and having a bunch of 3 power cards clogging your board is pretty actively bad most of the time.
America Chavez – As predictable as Heimdall is, you still need him, even if that means drawing him on turn 6. If your opponent predicts Heimdall (and they’re willing to do the math), they’ll just retreat anyway.
Storm/Spider-Man – Honestly, the deck might be better with these cards. I’d probably take out Absorbing-Man if I wanted to play one of them. BUT I WANT ALL MOVE ALL THE TIME BABY!
So, I encourage you to give this deck a shot. It’s probably only going to get better as the season goes on thanks to Silk. (Hot take: Spider-Man 2099 will probably be average/underwhelming in this deck because you have to play him on turns 4 or 5. You’d much rather be playing Ghost-SpideVulture/Cloak those turns. But, there are definitely draws that will let you get them all down. I’m just not convinced that he’ll end up being better than Absorbing-Man/Aero/Polaris. I’ll definitely be trying him out though.)

I’m in year 10 and I had to leave my first school since I was bullied after getting into a fight that started out of nowhere. I was punched 8-12 times in the head. Afterwards I stabbed my hand with scissors and had to go to hospital which a lot of people made fun of me on and blamed me.
Before this all happened, I was usually playful and did stupid funny stuff in class. I wasn’t too distracting and people thought I was sweet and chill. After the fight, I started to become completely quiet and barely talked to anyone, even my friends.
3 days after the fight, I returned to school. When I came back, this one girl started to be unbelievably nice and we started to become friends. Of course I still got some support from other people but she was the only one who checked up on me daily.
The few days while I was back, a lot of other people made fun of me for going to the hospital a lot of people were mad at me for calling the police and didn’t really get any support besides this one girl and two of my other good friends, even some of the friend group weren’t on my side or cared, even though I did nothing to start the fight.
I self harmed about 3-4 times a month since June 2022 but ever since the incident (beginning of March) it has been about 3-4 times a week. Barely anyone noticed before the incident but then I started to do it more frequently and didn’t try to hide it as much.
The worst time was about April when I brought a knife in and stabbed myself in the hand to the point I could barely move it. This was when people started to sympathise but it was also when people were at their worst. Some people made fun of me for stabbing my hand and refused to be near me, even my other ‘friends’ still.
The school had to check my bag everyday now. Soon, I brought in a knife another time but I was told if I did it again, I would get expelled. I was given 2 days inclusion. I sneaked in scissors another time and the school was mad at me but didn’t expel me. I was again given 2 days inclusion. I sliced my hand with a sharpener blade and got another day inclusion lost my support from the headteacher. They didn’t expel me. But they said for definite if I did it again, I’m expelled.
At this point everyone felt bad for me, besides these 2 people (one of them being who punched me). They were still mad and hated me for stabbing myself. They were a major reason why I moved schools. It was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I still had the 3 really good friends (one boy, 2 girls) who have been on my side all the time and cared for me a lot. Although I still had thoughts about them and not wanting to move because of them, I still did. I just didn’t think they were enough. The dumbest reason why I left and my main regret was because I a crush on one of the girls but it was clear they liked someone else so I just couldn’t handle it anymore. They were still a really, really good friend and the only one who comforted me a lot ever since the fight. This was one of the dumbest reasons that influenced me to move. I can not emphasise enough how much I regret this decision.
I had a sudden breakdown in front of my dad and brought up everything that has ever happened. This was when I asked him to move schools. It was two weeks later when I moved. And within those two weeks I’ve told my friends. The main 3 convinced me to stay but I didn’t listen to their advice. They brought up stuff like ‘you need to make new friends, you’ve been with us for 3 years, you won’t find anyone with connection you have with us’. I should’ve listened to them. I would have listened to them but the fact that the headteacher said I could get expelled if I did again went to my head. I thought for definite I would do it again. I felt regret even before I moved, I would’ve asked if my dad if I can just stay at my old school and stupidly I thought it would be too awkward.
The last week at my old school was my hardest. I genuinely felt happy and I felt like all my prior problems that happened had finally stopped. I started to become more playful. But I felt dread knowing I was going to move, the bad feeling when I asked my dad to move had completely gone. I wanted to stay but all the paperwork had been done and it was too late.
I kept the fact that I was going to move from everyone else until the last day. When they all found out, they all looked sad. Even the people who made it clear they didn’t like me said sincerely they would miss me. I spent most of my last day misbehaving and having fun with everyone else, which I haven’t done for a while. But, the friend group I didn’t like as much didn’t even bother to say goodbye or hang out with me on my last day, this really made my decision on moving definite, I somehow felt happy I was moving and eager to start the new school.
The next day, I started the new school. I expected everyone to be nicer and more friendly but my first lesson everyone didn’t want to be next to me. The reasons they said was because ‘He’s Chinese’ and ‘He so ugly’.
2 days later I was invited to join a friend group. I felt happy that they invited me but they ended up being the most bullied people in the year. I wouldn’t have minded it but how weird they acted compared to how chill I wanted them to be disappointed me. They do weird stuff (not like morally bad) that I just feel uncomfortable to be around. They were nothing like my old friends and I don’t feel comfortable acting the way they act. So currently I’m just sitting there on my phone for the entire of break and lunch and occasionally having small conversations with two out of 7 of them. They’re not all bad people but just don’t want to hang out with them. However, one of the guys punched a Year 8 girl in the face and threw hot chocolate at her for only making fun of him and his friend’s glasses. I do not want to be near him but he’s the only guy who would talk to me.
I’ve had to urges to self harm again but if I did, self harming was one of the main reasons why I moved so I couldn’t do it again or else I moved for no reason. I’m still hated and unpopular but my new school just makes me feel worse.
I still talk to the main 3 over the phone but it just sucks not being able to see them as much, especially how they live in another town.
What’s worse is how I had to pick up an entirely new subject (geography) that I have to catch up on by myself and have to learn two more English literature texts (Romeo and Juliet & A Christmas Carol) before the mocks which is in 2 more weeks. AND I still need to be up to date with all my other subjects since all my classes are much ahead of me. I have been unbelievably stressed trying to catch up with all the work I’ve fallen behind in.

Hello there and Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening Fellow Redditors!
Before you continue, as a young man who knows what he wants, I would like to state what I am NOT seeking:

• Fakes/Flakes
  
• Pen-Pals: (Meeting up in real life should be the goal)
  
• Time-wasters: Introduction and pleasantries are fine and welcomed. I am just looking for the conversation to progress and for dates to be marked on the calendar! My schedule is FLEXIBLE due to my line of work, so I can adapt and evolve as needed!
  
• Lastly, PG pictures work just fine, and I have plenty to share. Yes, I am well-endowed, but there's more to me than that. With that being said, you wouldn't walk up to a man in real life and ask him his cock size at your first introduction...would you?
  

I'm not a man looking for loads of digital nudity. I would definitely much rather see you in real life and get a surprise!
*** Also, I'm on NoFap. The basic explanation means I don't masturbate and waste my seed into kleenexs, lol. (Going almost 200 days strong), so unbridled, primal virility are aplenty with me! Very Large Loads & Very Fertile!
***SHORTENED VERSION:
TLDR: Summary of me: I'm a young nerd/geek with an outgoing personality, shredded physique, and contagious smile/love of laugh laughter. I'm seeking a like-minded woman to befriend and have an ONGOING, and most importantly, RELIABLE mutual relationship (friendship) with. I'm also very open to something serious as well! Connection and open communication are a MUST!
I am also a HUGE Giver and love extended foreplay. I am straight & fully comfortable in my sexuality and open to a vast array of Kinks/Potential Fantasies inside and outside of the bedroom! PEGGING has definitely caught my interest as well!
I would want to continue impregnating the same woman multiple times, over and over in order to birth an empire with a strong family unit, core principles & morals, and creative leadership. I want to be an active participant in my children's lives and an amazing Father to all of them!
One, two, or even three children are NOT enough for me; we will enjoy this journey together and celebrate each and every time my prime genetic seed takes hold and root in your womb.
I bring intellectual prowess, awesome physical genes (see pics on my profile and latest posts), and a burning desire to procreate with the RIGHT woman who shares some common interests with me (See Below)!
***LONG VERSION:
Hello there,
I am a young, well-spoken, and outgoing individual sporting an amazing sense of humor & chiseled physique. I deeply enjoy good conversation filled with laughter and the warmth it brings and love to please as I am very eager to learn, try, and experience new things!
Things I enjoy OUTSIDE of the bedroom:

• Fitness (Both Resistance & Aerobic) Walking, Jogging, Hiking, etc.
  
• Video Games & Board Games
  
• Nerf Wars & Airsoft
  
• Nature Exploration & Outdoor Recreation (I would love to try out camping, kayaking, and canoeing!)
  
• Watching Movies and TV Shows
  
• Creative Thinking both PG and Rated R lol
  

Things I enjoy Inside of the Bedroom include everything vanilla plus A LOT (virtually open to exploring everything except extreme pain) more that I'd love to discuss face to face.
My Ideal Person:
I am searching for a cool, laid-back and relaxed woman to enjoy mutual fun INSIDE and preferably OUTSIDE of the bedroom as well. The type of person who can enjoy a mind-blowing session while also being able to laugh at various blunders or bloopers that happen during or after the fun, go for nature walks with a lustful twist, and/or seeing a movie on the couch or in theatre!
NO Pressure, NO Insecurity, just cool peeps having an amazing, hot time while creating passionate memories together and building Vast Empire & Undying Legacy.
Thanks for stopping by and reading. Shoot me a chat request, and I look forward to meeting you!

Hello there and Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening Fellow Redditors!
Before you continue, as a young man who knows what he wants, I would like to state what I am NOT seeking:

• Fakes/Flakes
  
• Pen-Pals: (Meeting up in real life should be the goal)
  
• Time-wasters: Introduction and pleasantries are fine and welcomed. I am just looking for the conversation to progress and for dates to be marked on the calendar! My schedule is FLEXIBLE due to my line of work, so I can adapt and evolve as needed!
  
• Lastly, PG pictures work just fine, and I have plenty to share. Yes, I am well-endowed, but there's more to me than that. With that being said, you wouldn't walk up to a man in real life and ask him his cock size at your first introduction...would you?
  

I'm not a man looking for loads of digital nudity. I would definitely much rather see you in real life and get a surprise!
*** Also, I'm on NoFap. The basic explanation means I don't masturbate and waste my seed into kleenexs, lol. (Going almost 200 days strong), so unbridled, primal virility are aplenty with me! Very Large Loads & Very Fertile!
***SHORTENED VERSION:
TLDR: Summary of me: I'm a young nerd/geek with an outgoing personality, shredded physique, and contagious smile/love of laugh laughter. I'm seeking a like-minded woman to befriend and have an ONGOING, and most importantly, RELIABLE mutual relationship (friendship) with. I'm also very open to something serious as well! Connection and open communication are a MUST!
I am also a HUGE Giver and love extended foreplay. I am straight & fully comfortable in my sexuality and open to a vast array of Kinks/Potential Fantasies inside and outside of the bedroom! PEGGING has definitely caught my interest as well!
I would want to continue impregnating the same woman multiple times, over and over in order to birth an empire with a strong family unit, core principles & morals, and creative leadership. I want to be an active participant in my children's lives and an amazing Father to all of them!
One, two, or even three children are NOT enough for me; we will enjoy this journey together and celebrate each and every time my prime genetic seed takes hold and root in your womb.
I bring intellectual prowess, awesome physical genes (see pics on my profile and latest posts), and a burning desire to procreate with the RIGHT woman who shares some common interests with me (See Below)!
***LONG VERSION:
Hello there,
I am a young, well-spoken, and outgoing individual sporting an amazing sense of humor & chiseled physique. I deeply enjoy good conversation filled with laughter and the warmth it brings and love to please as I am very eager to learn, try, and experience new things!
Things I enjoy OUTSIDE of the bedroom:

• Fitness (Both Resistance & Aerobic) Walking, Jogging, Hiking, etc.
  
• Video Games & Board Games
  
• Nerf Wars & Airsoft
  
• Nature Exploration & Outdoor Recreation (I would love to try out camping, kayaking, and canoeing!)
  
• Watching Movies and TV Shows
  
• Creative Thinking both PG and Rated R lol
  

Things I enjoy Inside of the Bedroom include everything vanilla plus A LOT (virtually open to exploring everything except extreme pain) more that I'd love to discuss face to face.
My Ideal Person:
I am searching for a cool, laid-back and relaxed woman to enjoy mutual fun INSIDE and preferably OUTSIDE of the bedroom as well. The type of person who can enjoy a mind-blowing session while also being able to laugh at various blunders or bloopers that happen during or after the fun, go for nature walks with a lustful twist, and/or seeing a movie on the couch or in theatre!
NO Pressure, NO Insecurity, just cool peeps having an amazing, hot time while creating passionate memories together and building Vast Empire & Undying Legacy.
Thanks for stopping by and reading. Shoot me a chat request, and I look forward to meeting you!

For anyone who isn’t a big meat eater like myself, and has HS, I would encourage you to ensure you’re eating a balanced diet to ensure you’re not deficient.
I’ve been mostly vegetarian for almost 10 years, sometimes pescetarian (but it’s still not a red meat replacement). But from a recent blood test, I’m deficient in Vitamin D (not surprised considering I also have HS), my ferritin was at 15, and my B12 levels were rather low. Im also a picky eater, which doesn’t help. I’ve been in hot countries the past year, so low vitamin D shouldn’t have been low.
My HS is mostly under control now with a recent small deroofing procedure, and using a cream as needed. But I do wonder if my poor unbalanced eating habits and being deficient exasperated my flare ups! I was also losing a lot more hair on my head than usual recently. My volume of hair became about half, which I think surgery/HS stress could have triggered more shedding.
I’m now supplementing vitamin D, got a b12 injection, and am looking into iron supplementation.
Moral of the story - as many have said, supplement as needed and look into diet. Don’t only look at treating yourself externally, but internally as well. I’m hoping the supplementing helps my hair situation, but also helps my body recover. 😅

From the HMD school of glaringly obvious predictions, I predict Heather will totally mangle the VPR ‘big reveal’ from part 3 of the reunion.
The ‘reveal’ was that Sandoval had schooled Rachel into a couple of big lies. Namely, that they never ever had sex in Tom and Ariana’s house and that Rachel never went to St Louis with Tom. At the end of the reunion, a producer sat Rachel down six days later and had her lying one minute - how Sandoval had coached her - and seconds later, flipping and telling the truth, all while grinning like a psycho and giggling, or shedding some tears ( for herself).
Why is it any kind of big deal, as Alex Baskin, the producer had promised? Probably because the cast and Ariana in particular, may feel a bit betrayed by production and how much they knew and didn’t share. It is a show, as we know, but after 10 years, boundaries become blurred. Also, Rachel looked really unhinged. That’s a snapshot.
Heather is so busy trying desperately to inveigle herself into the lives and events of the cast members (Lala ‘Lauren from Utah’ Kent, Teresa and Louie the Fly) that on top of her inability as a self anointed ‘housewife whisperer - call me! Pick me! I can coach you!!’ - to remember the current casts’ names or the story lines this season, she’s also too desperate to properly analyse and recap the shows we listen to her pod for in the first place.
Another hot take from VPR. If Scandoval hadn’t happened, this season would have focused on what a bully and a hypocrite Lala is. She is VERY lucky this season and her reveling in verbally abusing Rachel was not a good look. No matter what Lala says, she absolutely did know what Randall was and she boasted about it, roll tape, as they did, it’s that simple.
Dumb Heather doesn’t realise that she’s being used by Lala. Heather is so busy simpering and slobbering over the access Lala gives her, she’s blind to the fact that the price is not questioning Lala in any meaningful way. Heather can be relied on to be a superficial simpleton. So my prediction is Heather will mangle the VPR reunion, gloss over Lala behaving like a rabid animal and miss the point of the reveal (except she reads here, so you’re welcome, Heather). It’ll be interesting to hear her tap dance about Teresa and Louie now that they’re St Barts buds. Teresa is possibly dumber than Heather and Louie is a malignant narcissist. Their behaviour is indefensible, so listening to Heather struggle with the moral conundrum of calling it out versus being on Tre’s shit list with everyone else may be amusing. And finally, for the love of god, we’re already enduring wonky lisping and slurring, do we now also have to hear repulsive mouth noises as well? Like she’s got cotton mouth after a big night and no water? This last episode with the MLM guest was awful!!

Before you answer, I've provided some infos that might help you in laying out your answer.
​
EXREDPILL'S SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT
RP is fundamentally a theory about women and how women work, I've noticed two anti-RP schools of thoughts that try to be alternatives to RP on this sub:
1) Blankslate-ism: this group believes there are no significant gender differences in attraction, it believes that individual differences greatly surpass gender differences in attraction and sexuality. Blankslate-ists believe that the observable gender differences in sexuality are determined almost exclusively by social factors.
Blankslate-ists believe that Red Pillers get things wrong because they ignore social factors and focus too much on gender essentialism
2) Pseudo-demisexuality: this group believes that inherent gender differences in attraction exist and are significant enough to be separated from the statistical noise of individual differences. This group believes that women on average (barrin exceptions like asexual or nymphomaniac women) are wired to need an emotional connection in order to feel aroused, thus women seek compatibility more than fun and don't (or, more specifically, can't) find value in merely sexual options.
The pseudo-demisexuality group believes that RedPillers commit the mistake of believing that women are basically men with vaginas, this groups claims that the "hypegamous woman" is just a projection of what men would do if they had as many sexual options as women.
​
IMPLICATIONS
These groups might appear to have innocuous disagreements but the reality is different, there are important political and social implications for both positions. If most women truly need an emotional connection and feelings of compatibility to feel aroused by someone, it means that most women need love to enjoy sex with someone while men don't. This leads to another consequence, male cheating becomes a less serious deed than female cheating since in the first case there's a significant chance the man was just horny while in the second case there's a high chance the woman felt some sort of feeling of love.
This is the basis of slut-shaming, the reasoning beind slut-shaming is that women are giving out something of value when they have sex with someone ("purity" in the past, love in the modern scenario) while men don't. Not surprislngly, it's very common for gay couples to open the relationship sexually while still claiming of loving each other, this is extremely rare among lesbian couples.
I'm not trying to depict one position as morally worse than the other, I'm just trying to showcase how different these two positions are.
​
MALE SEXUALITY
Before trying to define female sexuality, it's good to define male sexuality as it's easier (men don't face slut-shaming and safety concerns). Multiple studies in social science (we are talking about some of the most replicated studies on human sexuality, so no random papers on weird scientific journals) show that more than 70% of men would have sex with a random woman asking them in public to have sex, studies that control for the attractiveness level of the female asker still show that more than 70% of men would say yes to a woman classified as unattraictive (the figure rises to 90% for attractive women). Not surprisingly, almost 0% of women say yes to male asker but this last figure can't be used to make claims on female sexuality as women face safety concerns when dealing with strangers that men don't face. We don't have studies on gay men but anecdotal evidence suggests that gay men are not different from straight men, any man can in fact switch their preference to men on dating apps and see that they will get the same exact match rate as straght women (30-50%). Average and below average gay men can easily get hundreds or thosuands of matches, receive messages by men of all looks levels including very hot ones (if you don't believe me, you can try this at home as I did).
Understanding male sexuality is a useful reference point, if you are a blankslate-ist for example you should find a way to prove that - on average - women are sexually attracted to most people (like straight and gay men are) but are hiding it due slut-shaming or safety. If you are part of the psudo-demisexuality group, understanding male sexuality can help you in finding and explaining exactly where men and women differ.
​
QUESTION FOR EVERYONE
So, how do female sex drive and attraction actually work? (I'm just referring to most women, I'm excluding exceptions for sake of clear inquiry ie. asexual women, female sex addicts, diseases that affects one's hormones etc.).

Quick Author's Note:
For better clarity of intent, the 'worthwhile opponent' stipulation in Lifedrinker is being changed to 'non-negligible opponent' moving forward.
​
--
​
"The Gellin Empress was the catalyst for our breakthrough," a mage explained. "Tracing Lord Rob's lingering mana signature through the space between dimensions proved effective at first, yet it came with an insurmountable problem: he only attained mana after initially leaving Earth. At a certain point, there was no more of a signature for us to trace. We had found his home dimension, but finding his home world within the infinite expanses of that dimension could have taken years of aimless searching, like blind men stumbling in the dark."
He leaned forward, clearly enjoying having a captive audience. "The key, then, lay within Lord Rob's memories. Even without mana, memories have a power all their own. The Empress looked within his mind and found locations of personal importance to him. Ones that he remembers with pristine clarity. By scrying for areas within Lord Rob's dimension that matched those specific locations, we were able to narrow down the scope of our search considerably."
The mage spread his palms wide, and his voice dropped a full octave, as if he was imparting a great revelation. "The result will soon be made self-evident. You shall bear witness to the foremost magical achievement of our era: a one-way viewing window into Lord Rob's world. The first of many to come."
In respect for the man's showmanship, Rob started up a clap. Granted, he would've clapped even if the explanation was done via a mindnumbing PowerPoint presentation, because nothing in the universe could stunt his enthusiasm right now. Riardin's Ranger, the Elders, Diplomacy, and the Soul Surgeon clapped as well, although Rob was pretty sure they were just following his cues. This moment couldn't possibly hold the same gravitas for them as it did for him. They mostly were here to provide moral support and satisfy their curiosity.
While for him, this meant everything.
"Do we need the Gellin Empress here to create the window?" Rob asked. "I'd also like to thank her for the help she's given."
The mage shook his head. "I'll spare you the details, but to be succinct; she taught us how to save a mana-based copy of the necessary memories, which will allow us to attune to a subset of Earth locations. Her presence is not required. In fact, she insisted that we proceed without her, as the Gellin have gone to rest for the night."
Must be nice. I'd trade ten Levels for a consistent sleep schedule. Rob internally frowned at himself, punting the envious thoughts away. No sour grapes. If the Empress helped me see Earth again, then I hope she sleeps like a baby for the rest of her life.
"One question," Keira interjected. "In your explanation, you stated that, without the Empress' assistance, it may have taken years to discover Earth. That is hardly the weeks or months you claimed in the past."
The group of dimension mages froze, embarrassment blooming on their features. They looked to the head mage for guidance, whose veneer of showmanship was deflating like a leaky balloon. "We were perhaps...optimistic."
"By years?"
"The previous estimate I put forth was one that assumed we would develop breakthroughs as we went along." His mouth widened into a sheepish grin. "As you can see, we, um, succeeded."
Keira raised an eyebrow. "Only with the timely assistance of a Leader." Her tone was calm, yet unyielding. "Rob is too grateful to point out this contradiction, so I suppose the task falls to me. You have also told us that you should be able to 'open' the window and let Rob send a letter home within the next week – is that more unfounded optimism?"
"No." The mage straightened his posture. "Now that we have located Earth, the rest is simply a matter of refining our spells and collecting reserves of mana. We are no longer blind, nor are we fumbling in the dark, and thus our progress moving forward shall be predictable and steady. This, I swear."
After a few seconds, Keira nodded. "Then I thank you for the wonderful boon you've granted to the man I love."
From behind, Malika giggled under her breath. Rob squeezed Keira's hand, gave her a warm smile, and faced the mages. "I'm ready whenever you are."
The tent thrummed with mana as the dimension mages formed a Mage Circle with Malika. It was no different from any other time they'd done so, yet the knowledge of what they were about to accomplish heightened the tension in the air to a fever pitch. Rob's pulse quickened, his throat tightening. He'd been disemboweled by monsters, decapitated by eldritch abominations, and none of those events made him a fraction as nervous as watching the dimension mages at work.
Minutes passed. Rob forced himself to be patient. Reaching across the boundaries of space and dimensions wasn't like heading to the store to pick up a carton of milk. It involved a level of spellcasting prowess that would take Rob decades of committed study to have even the slightest chance at grasping. Frankly, the fact that it was possible at all still beggared belief.
Maybe...maybe the mages were wrong. Not lying; just wrong. They could be overeager, sharing before they were actually ready, and they'd end the circle looking contrite and ashamed.
That was okay. No biggie. Rome wasn't built in a day, or...something. He could wait–
Creak.
It was the sound of a rusted hinge, of crumpling paper, of breaking bones, and more. A combination of all the noises things made when subjected to an external force. Like reality itself was groaning under the pressure.
Creeeak.
A thin, imperceptible line appeared at eye-level, dark as the endless void. Slowly, inch-by-inch, it widened.
CREEEAK.
It had become a rectangle. Two feet wide, three feet high. With a final CREAK, reality threw in the towel. The void dissipated, as if smoke blown away by a gust of wind, revealing...
Home.
Everything was as he remembered it. The same furniture with scuffed marks of wear-and-tear. The same living room where they'd watched movies each Friday. The same kitchen with a sink perpetually filled with dirty dishes. The same tacky wallpaper that his mom refused to change, and that he secretly enjoyed.
Identical. Like a portrait had been painted straight from his memories.
A tsunami of aching nostalgia surged through him. Rob didn't realize he was extending his hand until his fingertips were already brushing against the viewing window. Its surface felt solid, and for an instant he was terrified that this really was just a painting. Something invented to give him false hope.
Then he noticed that a window had been cracked open. Not the mages' window; the window inside his house. A small breeze blew inside, jostling a curtain ever so lightly. Just enough to make it move.
"It's real." Rob's voice was hoarse. "It's my home."
No one said anything. They allowed him his silence, a gesture which he greatly appreciated. Eventually, Rob took a deep breath, clenched his hands so that they wouldn't tremble, and looked at the dimension mages. "Thank you. I owe you...so much. Even if observing from afar ended up being the limit of what you could do, just seeing my house again like this is..."
He trailed off, unable to find words that were sufficient. Thankfully, the dimension mages seemed to understand. "You are most welcome, Lord Rob." The head mage smiled. "This is far from the limit of what we can do, however. Give us time, and this window shall open."
Rob nodded, choosing not to believe them. They were probably right, but on the off chance they weren't, he didn't want to look back on this moment with bitterness. Best to assume the worst and be grateful for what he already had.
As if drawn by a gravitational pull, his eyes drifted back towards the window. It was displaying a fixed point in the center of his home. "Can you switch perspectives? I want to check other rooms." His parents were likely asleep in their bedroom at this hour. Assuming they didn't sell the house out of grief and move, that is.
"I am afraid that isn't possible. We can transpose the viewing window to other specific locations that the Empress provided, but having it 'walk around', so to speak, requires finer control than we are yet capable of."
Yet, he says. Which means that with practice, they'll be able to. Rob placated himself with that notion. This was a minor setback, and he wouldn't let it get him down.
He especially wouldn't listen to that tiny voice in the back of his head, whispering that the reason he couldn't see his parents right now was because they were–
"Got it," Rob stated, in a wooden voice. "What other locations did the Empress pick out?"
The window's perspective blurred and shifted. Rob swallowed a gasp as an extremely familiar place was displayed before him. He'd seen it many, many times, even after coming to Elatra. It used to be at the top of his nightmare rotation, only ousted from its throne when Blights started coming into play.
In front of them was a small grassy lawn, surrounded by lecture halls in the near-distance. The place that had forever altered the course of his life.
"This is where it all started." Rob pointed to an empty spot in the middle of the field. "Portal opened up. Right there. Saturated with darkness. Chains shot out, tried to grab at Jason. I pushed him out of the way, and...the rest is history."
Silence reigned once more. After a few seconds, Orn'tol stirred. The young Ranger opened his mouth, preparing to say what would undoubtedly be some platitude reassuring Rob over his noble sacrifice.
"The grass truly is green."
Rob burst out laughing. He kept going until he was short of breath, wheezing as the others looked at him with eyes full of concern. "I'm okay," he managed to cough, once the laughter had died down to snickers. "Thanks, Orn'tol. I needed that."
"You're very welcome?" Orn'tol exchanged confused glances with the rest of Riardin's Rangers. "I am unsure of what I did to assist you, yet it's good to see you in high spirits nonetheless."
"Sometimes a little silliness is just what the doctor ordered." Rob offered him a high-five, which the boy accepted with zeal. They returned their gazes to the viewing window, Rob tilting his head as he peered closer. "Hmm. That's weird."
"What do you mean?"
"There's no people. It's early evening, but college students have the worst sleeping patterns on the face of the planet. Trust me; I'm speaking from experience. Usually you'd see a dozen partygoers strung out on energy drinks racing around now."
"Perhaps this location is known as a place of danger," Keira posited. "I would certainly be hesitant to tread where a portal of darkness sprang from the aether and kidnapped a civilian."
Rob watched the viewing window for signs of life, finding none. "Could be. Parents probably pulled their kids out after what happened to me. Then either the government condemns the area, or enough money is lost that the college goes bankrupt." He snorted. "Would be the least of what it deserves, considering the tuition fees. Bloodsucking vampires."
"People on Earth drink blood?"
Normally, Rob would have played along with their confusion, but there were more important things to focus on. "Can you change this to the next location from my memories?" he asked the dimension mages. "How many are there, anyway?"
"Five in total. One moment, please."
The window's perspective blurred, shifted, and reformed. Now it was displaying a city sidewalk, its view positioned right outside the best god damn burger joint in existence. Rob didn't care what anyone else said; two greasy slabs of beef squeezed between two sesame-seed buns was the absolute pinnacle of culinary delight. So what if his palette was 'like a five-year old's?' Wasn't his fault that delicious things were delicious.
Belatedly, he realized that his memory of this restaurant had been strong enough for the Gellin Empress to choose it as a point of reference for interdimensional portal magic. That...yeah, that tracked. Aside from the burgers, he had fond memories of sitting at the outside patio with Jason and his folks, drinking Minty Fresh Phantasma and inhaling cheesy fries as they mocked his dietary preferences. Good times.
He was about to explain what this place meant to him when a human casually walked past the viewing window.
She was a normal working woman like any other. Tired eyes, a purse slung over her shoulder, and dressed for lukewarm weather. A cell phone was held in her right hand, her eyes glued to some form of social media. She strode past the window without a care in the world, visible for merely a second before disappearing from view.
To the Elatrans, it was like a horror movie jumpscare. All of them froze. Several gasped. Elder Alessia grimaced. Faelynn muttered "a world of Humans" in a hushed tone. The only exceptions were Elder Duran and the Soul Surgeon, who crept closer to get a better look, their eyes shimmering with curiosity.
In contrast, Rob let out a sigh of overwhelming relief. That bored, everyday woman was exactly what he'd needed to set him at ease. Earth hasn't completely gone to shit behind my back. People are still living their lives.
As he watched, a few more humans walked in front of the window. A middle-aged man, a young boy with his mother, and an old woman with a walking cane. The old woman pivoted straight into the burger joint, Rob internally praising her good taste.
"W-well," the head mage stuttered. He paused, cleared his throat, then started anew. "As you can see, the viewing window is imperceptible to those with low Levels of Sense Mana. Naturally, this will not be the case for a portal that can be interacted with from both sides."
"Dangerous," Meyneth commented. "I would advise that you conceal this type of spell for as long as you are able. The viewing window especially."
"Why is that?"
"If this window cannot be sensed by those with low Levels of Sense Mana, then that makes it an ideal tool for spying on non-Mages. In your haste to glimpse into the world of another dimension, you have inadvertently developed a field of magic that puts every nation in Elatra at risk of subterfuge. People have been assassinated for much less."
The mages blanched. "We are nothing more than simple researchers," the head mage protested, in a faltering voice. "Who besides a madwoman like the Dragon Queen would stoop so low as to threaten noncombatants?"
Keira averted her eyes, pointedly examining the floor.
"We can discuss matters of life and death at a later time," Duran interjected. He gestured to the viewing window with the demeanor of a child in a toy story. "There's a world of discoveries to explore! Take a look at those structures the Earth Humans have built – they resemble the buildings within Human territory, yet small differences set them apart."
Duran ooooh'd as another person walked past the viewing window. "So many humans are ambling about despite the late hour. Is this area a well-traveled location in your home city, Rob?"
"This is around the level of street traffic you should expect for early evening. If it were daytime, you'd see a hundred people per minute."
Duran aaaah'd. Before he could launch into a series of questions, Zamira beat him to it. "Pardon me if this comes across as an insult," she began, hesitantly. "But Earth Humans appear marginally...uncoordinated. It is hard for me to describe the notion, yet when I watch them move, they appear as if they're liable to fall over at any moment."
They look normal to me, Rob almost said, before remembering that Earth's normal wasn't Elatra's normal. "That's called being permanently Level 1." He shrugged. "They've all got crap stats. Except athletes, I guess."
Zamira stared at the human passerby with obvious sympathy. "My condolences."
Does Earth seem like a world of cripples to her? Rob wondered. Even Utility Class users have the option to put a couple points into Dexterity and Perception. That's not counting the natural stat boosts they gain as they grow up, either. And when combined with Vitality and healing magic, it means that people in Elatra tend to age gracefully.
Rob tried to think of the last time he'd seen an Elatran with the same frailty as that old human woman with her walking cane. The oldest person he'd met so far was the Fiend High Soulseer, and in spite of being positively ancient – and blind – the dude could get around fine. Elder Duran was having health problems, but that was only after suffering from severe Corruption poisoning for weeks on end. An incident like that would've landed an Earth human in long-term hospice care.
Actually, no, that was wrong. It would've just killed them.
"We should switch to the next location," Rob said, preempting any further questions. "There's still two more left." Maybe I can see...no. Keep your expectations in check.
He was right to do so. Rob's heart sank as the viewing window solidified once again, revealing battered, empty streets. Half the buildings had collapsed to rubble, as if visited by a wrecking crew with an axe to grind. He recognized this spot as the street leading up to his favorite movie theater on the other side of the city. There'd been good times here, as well.
Although not anymore. The theater's roof had caved in, and half the letters in its ostentatious PRIME CINEMA logo were missing. It would take years to rebuild – assuming someone was willing to invest millions of dollars into what was essentially a ghost town.
"This..." He ran his hand down his face, aware of everyone gazing at him with pity. "As you can probably infer, this isn't normal. In the past–"
Bang.
Rob practically jumped out of his skin at the abrupt sound of gunfire. At first he thought the shot had come from outside, but no, it was both too distant and too close for that. The noise also sounded different from the rifles that the Dwarven Thunder Rod wielders employed.
A series of repeated bangs swept his thoughts away. Everyone watched in astonishment as a crew of Earth military soldiers ran into view from a side street, desperately fleeing the eight-legged Blightspawn that was hot on their tails. The abomination was more of an amalgamation of flesh and limbs than anything resembling a living creature, and the way it skittered made Rob reconsider if spiders were really that bad in comparison.
"Keep firing!" one of the men commanded, his voice sounding like it was coming from the bottom of a lake. The soldiers blasted their assault rifles in a retreating offensive, peppering the abomination with a hailstorm of bullets. Their response was swift, their aim was true, and it did not matter. The Blightspawn bulldozed through the rain of bullets as if it was a light drizzle, the creature's five cavernous mouths wailing for blood and sustenance.
It was nearly upon them when an explosive rocketed in from the opposite side street, knocking the Blightspawn off its many feet. The reprieve was temporary, but it was just long enough for the soldiers to escape unharmed. Unfortunately, the creature was also mostly unharmed, sporting minor injuries despite a direct missile strike to the torso. With a chorus of screams that prickled Rob's ears, the abomination continued its chase, batting away a second missile as it resumed the chase with renewed fervor.
Then it was gone, having left the window's range of sight. Distant sounds of battle grew quieter, the gunshots and explosions becoming more faint as predator and prey ran deeper into the ruined city.
Rob closed his eyes. He said nothing for half a minute, allowing himself time to process what he'd seen.
"Okay." He opened his eyes, nodding. "This is fine."
Keira laid a hand on his shoulder, struggling with what to say. "Rob...you don't need to–"
"Hold it in? Bottle up my emotions?" A wry chuckle escaped his throat. "Honestly, I'm not as affected as I thought I'd be. The Blight dropped one too many cryptic hints for me to be surprised, anyway. At this point I'm just glad that Earth hasn't been completely overrun. Some parts of the city might be fucked up, but not all of it is."
He narrowed his eyes. "The biggest thing I'm worried about is the Blightspawn itself. You saw those weapons the humans were using, right? Think of them as substantially upgraded versions of the Thunder Rods. They should've put a real dent in a fully-grown Blight, let alone one of its spawn."
"Perhaps the creatures have gained a defensive Skill?" Duran theorized. "What we witnessed appears consistent with other damage reduction Skills such as Tough Skin or Heat Resistance. I would surmise that the Blight has learned something akin to – for example – Thunder Rod Resistance."
Rob paused. Elatra didn't have a specified 'Bullet Resistance' Skill, but that was because conventional firearms had been removed from the system for balancing purposes. The Blight wouldn't give two shits about balance. They'd cheerfully grant themselves Bullet Resistance, Missile Resistance, and whatever else tickled their fancy.
And the more Earth fought back, the more resistant they'd become.
"...This doesn't change anything," Rob eventually concluded. "Earth is a big boy planet. It'll figure something out. In the meantime, we'll clean up our problems here and be ready to help if the Blight's still around by then."
"You're sure?" Keira asked. Two words that held so much intent. 'Are you sure you'll be alright? Are you sure Elatra should remain your primary concern? Are you sure you don't want to head home the instant the dimension mages create a working portal?'
Rob gave her a thumbs-up. "I'm sure. And I know you'll worry about me regardless, but I promise I'm feeling fine."
Or maybe he was just numb, and an avalanche of emotions would bury him when he least expected it. The good news was that was a problem for future-Rob to deal with. Present-Rob had one last area to investigate.
I'd be satisfied with seeing my old bedroom intact, he thought, as the dimension mages altered the viewing window for the last time. I have strong memories there, right? It should be a candidate. Those late night Netflix binges were uh...riveting. Yeah.
The window finalized.
Rob felt the strength leave his body.
Some parts of what he was seeing were incongruous. Strange details that he'd need to figure out soon. All of it took a hard backseat to the one sight in the room that truly mattered.
Jason was alive.
He was at his house that Rob had visited so often. Alive. Surrounded by people. Alive. Chatting away. Alive. Gesturing in that exaggerated manner he often used. Alive.
Smiling.
Alive.
A dam broke. Silent tears began streaming down Rob's face. Thoughts cut out, leaving only the realization that his best friend since childhood, the sole person he'd have trusted with his life before meeting Riardin's Rangers, the man whose place he'd taken when the gods picked a new chew toy...
Was alive.
"Hey, man." Rob's smile was the most genuine it had been in a long time. "Been a while."
At that moment, almost as if he could hear him, Jason grinned.
​
--
​
Author's Note:
When I was writing Chapter 199, I was mildly annoyed that Rob didn't reach 200 Vitality on Chapter 200. That would've been hilariously coincidental. But if I had to choose between that chapter or this one for a big milestone...I think I like this better.
Happy Chapter 200, everyone. Thanks for reading and staying on this journey with me.

I've been bingeing the show for the past few weeks, and Hal seriously is almost never motivated by doing the right thing. He's continually stressed out and acting in ways to relieve it. He gets obsessed with hobbies that waste family money. He stole his son's credit card to pay for a ski trip, a $10k check from Malcolm (that he wanted to later spend on a boat instead of fixing the house), and continually values his own fun over responsibilities. Like the time he spent money renting a steamroller to smash things, or not going to work on Fridays. It's true that Hal loves his family, but he almost never does anything for purely moral reasons.
Reese, on the other hand, chooses not to steal from a register, numbs his legs so that he can fight Stevie without it being unequal, willingly offers his blood to feed a rabbit, and gives up making out with a hot girl so that he can bring a pacifier to Jamie. Reese doesn't often show his moral side, but when he does, it's there very strongly.
I think one of the reasons Hal married Lois is because she's so concerned about doing right, and he needs her to balance him out.

Husband (34) and I (F36) have been together going on 9 years. We have 4 kids and that comes along with the drop in intimate time together. I recently asked to see his tik tok to do the “ten swipe challenge” which basically sees if your so has a thirst trap within ten scrolls. Two scrolls in was a bare-assed girl, and many other thirst traps followed with girls in lingerie, doing yoga with their tits out, etc. I didn’t make a big deal of it and just laughed it off and said he failed.
Fast forward to last night when I had a conversation which I approached gently and without accusation. I wanted to understand if his attraction toward me is lessened considering there’s so many beautiful women he sees daily on his phone. I had a baby two months ago and have a flabby tummy still (which I am working on and just bought a program to heal my diastasis recto). We have sex like 1-3x a week but both wish it was more. He said he loves sexing me and seeing me naked but wished we could have more sex. We have special needs kids who require much of my attention, but I always get them to bed and come back down to him. He typically falls asleep before we can even have intimate time. I expressed that I want more intimacy just as he does, and that I am trying to make time by getting kids down and joining him, but he falls asleep. I’d rather him not go elsewhere (on his phone) to get off because I am here and willing. He said he always “tries” and gropes me. But his forms of “trying” are quite literally just grabbing my ass/boobs, pulling down my pants, grabbing my neck to bend me over. All is fine and playful, but I shut it down if the kids are right there….which should be the common sense thing to do. But he sees it as me shutting him down. I also need intimacy outside of being groped. I want to be told I’m beautiful, to be looked in the face instead of just my tits, to be gently held instead of just bent over. He seems to take offense when I bring this up. When we are intimate there’s no foreplay and he doesn’t last long at all. I haven’t gotten off in a veeeeeeerrryyy long time with him because of this. When I was postpartum I even asked him to suck him off because I wanted to keep that intimacy going and didn’t want him going elsewhere. Plus I truly love giving him pleasure.
I am at a loss because I am trying to be here and available for him, but he chooses the worst times to ask for sex. We have quickies when we can, but am I out of line to want more than to quickly be fucked? I feel like he should understand the family dynamics in this season we are in and not hold it against me that I can’t fuck anytime during the day that he wants. I feel sad knowing my needs aren’t being prioritized while I try to prioritize his. I feel like he wants me to just be available any time he is horny and if not he’s going to get off on other girls.
I grew up in a very strict orthodox religion where porn/nudity/masterbation was a huge no, and considered a sin next to murder. I’ve since deconstructed and have come a LONG way to being comfortable with all of that. We watch shows with nudity and it totally doesn’t bother me. And I’m cool with porn if it’s used when I’m not around. Honestly I feel like tik tok thirst traps are worse though, because it’s not the action of sex that’s arousing but an actual woman and her body specifically. But it sucks that I send him tik toks and he won’t even look at them, but will look at the thirst traps instead. Hell, he doesn’t even respond to my texts while at work even though I’ve expressed how much it means to me to have contact with him at some point during the day. I had terrible ppd with my last birth and was suicidal. I told him that I need him to check in on me and my mental health but he’s yet to do so.
Back to porn….I’ve watched porn also, although it is very rare. But here’s my take: 1. Porn guys are NOT hot whatsoever. It’s literally just hot girls screwing I by ugly guys and from a man’s point of view. 2. I look at it in a “that looks like it feels good” type of way and picture my husband. Hell, I’ve gotten off on just pictures of my husband. And I always finish thinking of him. I know this isn’t the “usual” per se, but that’s what feels morally right for me. I think my husband is the most attractive man in the world. I’ve sent my husband boob pics and even did a boudoir shoot for him which he looked at like once and it’s now collecting dust. It sucks knowing he has material of me but chooses to look elsewhere instead. I used to have modeling photos on my socials which I deleted because it made him upset, but he’s cool with other women’s thirst traps? I was a model when I met him, worked at fitness competitions, and had such a banging body. Although I don’t have a tiny waist with abs anymore I still take care of myself. I have a great rack and I wear makeup daily to try to look good for him. I wear lingerie sometimes but it doesn’t seem to do much for him and he’s even gone soft and kinda laughed when I did. I’m at a loss here. Men can you chime in and tell me what the hell I should do? I’m fucking trying and it’s just not enough. He says he doesn’t want me to “try” he wants me to “do”. But I literally am doing all I can. Is this just how it has to be? Is it unrealistic to want him to have some self discipline and wait for me instead of going to his phone? We had this conversation many times where I expressed I wasn’t okay with that and he would delete the apps but then he just redownloads them. I’m trying to be confident and not let this get to me but it’s destroying my self confidence and trust in him.
TLDR: husband is choosing porn and thirst traps over me and it’s destroying my confidence.

It’s still not easy. I’ve been craving painkillers, my original love, dilaudid, oxys, Roxy’s. I do not crave fentanyl. I wasn’t even getting high for the last year. I was just not getting sick, it basically felt like a mild head change and i was smoking San Francisco’s best fentanyl which is really nothing to brag about. I’ve heard to chemists are making the fentanyls withdrawals worse while making the actual high last way less time. That combo will fuck you up and keep you hooked, in pain, and feeling like you’re trapped in a jail cell with fetty tattooed on the top of your wrists. It’s like a demon that gets inside of you and starts controlling your thoughts, actions and morals. If weed killed my ambition when I was younger, then fentanyl has completely high jacked the drivers seat and changed who I was. I felt shame every time I used, along with relief. Only to be well for 3-4 hours before knowing if I don’t use again the back pain will be excruciating. By the end of my 8 hour work days I could barely stand. I work a job where I tell people on the streets to stop using drugs, so everyday I watch people on the brim of death, at the lowest low hitting rock bottom, and they usually look 25-50% worse as the months go by. This guy used to be walking around, now he had both legs ambulated. Theirs such a thing as a diminishing return. That’s fentanyl. What kind of drug is worth smoking that can kill you in one hit? I overdosed 4 times. Woke up in the hospital saved by an ambulance and luckily some crack head “friends” of mine. I have replaced my addiction with a strict diet, and ample exercise and strength training. Today I head back to work, on the 12th I head back to college. I’ve been back home for id day 3 nights? Which has been the only solace to me, weed, tv, comedy, my new speaker, music, and eating right/getting fit. Sorry for the long post, but it’s been impossible to get a therapist as they want me to have one that specializes in drug recovery. All the outpatient centers priotizes inpatient graduates first, so they are booked for two months as well. Basically I’ve spoken with over 25 people and they all say the same thing. Pat you on the, say good job, lyk that suboxone is an option and tell me they are booked for months and go figure this shit out yourself basically. What I’ve learned is if you don’t want sobriety from hard drugs 1000% no rehab, family love, signifier other or moving away will change you. You have to be ready to put the drugs on the shelf, lock the door and throw the key into the center of the earth. It’s going to get real very quickly. All that pleasure, sadness and emotional compartmentalization is going to bubble back up and explode like hot oil in you face and it’s going to fucking BURN. But your suffering will be rewarded with a happy life, a life you don’t have to be ashamed of. I’m still ashamed. But shame doesn’t get you anywhere. Check your self pity at the door. You can do this. I believe in you, friend. <3
Thank you for letting my air out my thoughts. I needed this today.